I basically tell everyone my BD is in October due to my brother dying the day after my real one 

 

it's easy for me to say that date bc it's my first crush's birthday

 

starting to feel better, it's been 11 months already 

Spoiler

Told my crush that I'm crushing on him, which was so difficult for me to do. My god. So he responds this morning asking me to clarify what "crush" means to me. Basically, do I have serious romantic interest or do I just want to smash. Immediately, this line of questioning led me to his true feelings...He seemed potentially open to hooking up but not dating. He didn't say that explicitly but that was the logical conclusion. When I told him I was interested in something serious, he said he isn't open to dating right now. Part of me would at least want to hook up, but that probably wouldn't be a good idea. He's coming into town this weekend (he lives out of state currently), and I'll probably see him (because we met through a mutual friend group). I want to avoid him altogether, but that would kind of just show that Im fazed by all of this...............anyway, I'm depressed and lonely and only have the gym and working out to look forward to.

 

I have nothing to live for

seasonal depression fading, its finally nice outside.

i think this year would be it for me. my seasonal depression was particularly bad but now that ot has passed i feel so calm. i've never had so much clarity. it's giving Melancholia

Edited March 14, 20251 yr by popmusicisdead

12 hours ago, Devin said:

seasonal depression fading, its finally nice outside.

I feel this very much. The weather/sun hours influence my mood a lot. I'm so glad Spring/Summer season is approaching 

On 3/11/2025 at 10:01 AM, monologueNacafe said:

I have nothing to live for

Why do you feel this way? I'm sure you have plenty to live for. 

1 hour ago, Hollywood. said:

Why do you feel this way? I'm sure you have plenty to live for. 

I just feel that every aspect of my life is crap. I have nothing but loneliness, bills, and a terrible job to look forward to.

I hate to be here again, but I hope everyone's doing okay.

 

I've been having so many setbacks and going back to such an ugly place... I have suicidal thoughts, lost my job and somehow ended up not getting any sort of compensation, so my insurance is gone and my treatment is so expensive. part of me just wants to call it quits. actually I'm thinking about it right now. it's such an ugly feeling and not having further access to healthcare in the way I was getting it makes me feel so hopeless... I thought, for a good second, that things were gonna be okay.

 

now I have to pay everything out of pocket, and I'm literally not in a financial place to do so, because my treatment, even with insurance, made me broke by default... what a ******* joke life is.

There's no future for me I see no love or happiness for me

 

I'm at the point In life nobody would care or noticed if I died tbh because I don't have friends or family that check on me

 

My only life support are my OT8 boys but there only so much I can't take 

 

Like im as pathetic as I am on here nobody likes me I'm just a waste of space and honestly all I do is make everyone miserable around me

On 3/14/2025 at 3:34 PM, monologueNacafe said:

I just feel that every aspect of my life is crap. I have nothing but loneliness, bills, and a terrible job to look forward to.

Surely you have a least one positive aspect going for you. If your job is draining you, perhaps you could look for a new one? If your struggling to make friends, look up groups that have similar interests as you, and you might be able to find connections that way. I once joined a hiking group and we would go hiking once a week. 

Started seeing a psychologist and it changed my life. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my youth

this job is starting to take such a huge toll on me lmao

 

on my weekends, I typically get two amazing days of sleep (that'll be Friday after I get home, which is usually around 8ish am, and Saturday pretty much all day) and then my Sundays end up disastrous. I'll sleep for about 4-5 hours at most from like 7 am to noon at the latest. then I'll take another f*cking melatonin thinking that I'll be able to get back to sleep but my motherf*cking body will not let me. so I'll have my 11 pm shift on Sunday night and I'll be so wiped. and that's me right now. I am exhausted. it is awful. I feel half dead. I'm glad I got to watch The White Lotus with my roommate before I headed off to work but I wanted to workout tonight before my shift. and now I won't be able to workout tomorrow night after this shift because a friend I haven't seen in like a year and a half is in town and we have plans to do St. Paddy's day before my Monday night shift  being 28 is kind of insane and tiresome… plus I stupidly ordered food and cancelled it when my roommate told me he was about to order from somewhere else and the place had already begun preparing my food so when I cancelled I ended up getting only $3 refunded from a $27 order… figures. classic Joe dingbattery. 

Starting to see my sadness and anxiety only comes from my mother 

 

She comes to tell telling me wants to khs and put all her 10k debt and stress on me and calls me selfish because I'm not feeling as depressed as her when really I am I just don't show it or else she'll give me hell for it.

 

Like she has put my life in hell for trees and now about our hot water service because it makes a loud sound at 2am

 

I can't even move out and find a place since houses are so expensive and I don't have friends to move in with and even if we sell the house we wouldn't be able to afford anything else.

 

Like If it wasn't for skz that has helped me through hards days she wouldn't have a fuckin daughter to whine too.

 

I can't even date or find a guy because I live with her and she's racist and awful so if I bring home a guy that's my type she'll flip it and idk a guys not gonna want to date a girl with no friends no family or what not. Like what's the actual point living in this world?

 

 

19 hours ago, Hollywood. said:

Surely you have a least one positive aspect going for you. If your job is draining you, perhaps you could look for a new one? If your struggling to make friends, look up groups that have similar interests as you, and you might be able to find connections that way. I once joined a hiking group and we would go hiking once a week. 

I've tried looking for a new one

9 hours ago, monologueNacafe said:

I've tried looking for a new one

Keep at it - don't let rejections get you down. Use the stress from your current job as motivation. 

19 hours ago, Hyune said:

I can't even move out and find a place since houses are so expensive and I don't have friends to move in with and even if we sell the house we wouldn't be able to afford anything else.

This so much. A lot of my problems come from my mother but it's so hard for me to relocate. It's so difficult to find a job elsewhere and an affordable place to live.

Edited March 18, 20251 yr by Jotham

why the f*ck can i never get as many likes on my selfies as several mutuals of mine on twitter ALWAYS get it makes me feel so disgusting and insecure and like that one user who embarrassed me a few weeks ago in the Mayhem thread might've been right. f*ck my stupid chungus life I HATE how I crave stupid f*cking validation on social media it just proves my monkey brain is actually just a  caterpillar one

Tell me why I changed up my diet, started working out again, and am slowly feeling less depressed...

 

 

 

 

 

3 minutes ago, stars said:

Tell me why I changed up my diet, started working out again, and am slowly feeling less depressed...

 

 

 

 

 

the junk food and sugary sodas u were consuming contributed 

3 minutes ago, Josh said:

the junk food and sugary sodas u were consuming contributed 

I believe that !! I'm going to keep this up because I am not used to this feeling

 

3 minutes ago, stars said:

I believe that !! I'm going to keep this up because I am not used to this feeling

 

i noticed that when i went through two months without drinking soda

6 hours ago, JoeAg said:

that one user who embarrassed me a few weeks ago in the Mayhem thread 

Tell me the name of my new opp

I need painkillers for feelings.

I used to get so much joy from singing karaoke, but my Eustachian tube dysfunction makes it so difficult to hit the notes anymore and it makes me feel like I will never feel the joy of being "in the zone" singing again, which is terrifying  I guess there are many other sources of joy in life I could find, but right now it feels like there's nothing like hitting the right notes and feeling a song resonate in your chest like that... 

 

Update: Been plugging my ear to sing and that seems to make it better, but, omg, I was feeling VERY confident today, recorded myself singing, and it makes me wanna never do karaoke again  All those people who lied to me, telling me I have a good singing voice... the Oscar goes to...! 

 

Edited April 12, 20251 yr by Curaga