Spoiler

I'm so touch deprived. 

 

seasonal depression always kicks my ass like a b*tch but I'm gonna be going home to maryland at the end of the month to see all four of my older siblings and my parents, which is sure to be quite the experience… I haven't been back in my hometown in MD since november 2021, and i'm nervous it'll just make me feel down. the ephemerality of all the good times, the nostalgia… but i'm still gonna be cautiously excited. tonight's a rough one though cause this floater security guard who i cannot STAND (he's hyperreligious christian and last week he winced after every answer he got from my resident who i'm very good friends with when he inquired about how gay men have sex… you can't make this sh*t up) told me out of the blue that i "look tired." i'm not f*cking tired. his dumbass also just remarked "oh you're not in the mood to be at work tonight huh?" no i'm with being here! what i'm not in the mood for is interacting with YOU 

 

anyway, in addition to that i HATE how social media is with my body dysmorphia lately. it affects me so much and it's so bad cause i keep seeing other people who i work out just as much as and my brain keeps telling me that they automatically look so much better than me  and they always get more f*cking likes than me anyway so i'm just suchjdhxbejxhbenxhnxbc MESS

 

 

I hate seeing people living my dream all the f*cking time on instagram stories and stuff. why am i friends with so many other musicians? well i know why: connections. relatability. networking. blah blah f*cking blah. it sucks seeing them be in recording studios and yet i'm just a joke. i know i know i KNOW  we all achieve what we need to achieve on our own time and okay yeah I get it i'm not entitled to have a recording deal or what the f*ck ever but i'm drunk and sad and have laryngitis and want people to love my music okay

my seasonal depression kicking in again. 

I feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm lost

I hate how anytime a day even goes remotely sideways that my first thought is to drink and I get really irritable when I don't and it's turned people off. I'm surprised my husband even puts up with me cause I know I'm terrible.

 

Also got a nice warning from a doctor that I've taken on too much stress and am on a crash course for serious health issues if I don't do anything about it. But with how unaffordable life has become how does one even reduce stress?

 

The positive note of the day is that I do have a person who understands my horrible moods and how to talk me off that alcoholic ledge. 

21 minutes ago, Hollywood. said:

But with how unaffordable life has become how does one even reduce stress?

 

A lot of stress reduction activities are completely free or very cheap.

1. Breathing exercises (free)

2. MIndfulness practice (free)

3. Meditation (free)

4. Physical exercise - free if you do it outside or at home

5. Journaling your feelings (free)

 

You can find a lot of free resources on youtube on how to do any of these with good examples.

12 minutes ago, Europe said:

A lot of stress reduction activities are completely free or very cheap.

1. Breathing exercises (free)

2. MIndfulness practice (free)

3. Meditation (free)

4. Physical exercise - free if you do it outside or at home

5. Journaling your feelings (free)

 

You can find a lot of free resources on youtube on how to do any of these with good examples.

Thank you

 

The doctor also gave me a list of free resources as well. At the top - being therapy. (I can get it for free through my benefits at work). 

 

The other issue is I have an issue of keeping things to myself and not being open, as I weirdly feel offloading my emotions on others is burden. It's part of why I ended up being dependent on alcohol in the first place. So I guess it's a sign I should re-consider joining those support groups again. 
 

On 12/8/2024 at 3:05 AM, JoeAg said:

I hate seeing people living my dream all the f*cking time on instagram stories and stuff. why am i friends with so many other musicians? well i know why: connections. relatability. networking. blah blah f*cking blah. it sucks seeing them be in recording studios and yet i'm just a joke. i know i know i KNOW  we all achieve what we need to achieve on our own time and okay yeah I get it i'm not entitled to have a recording deal or what the f*ck ever but i'm drunk and sad and have laryngitis and want people to love my music okay

Would a social media break maybe help? Or muting these people on Instagram so you still follow them but don't see these images anymore? If that's not an option remember they probably have bad days as well but don't post about them. Instagram is usually super curated to show the best version of ourselves.

51 minutes ago, Hollywood. said:

The other issue is I have an issue of keeping things to myself and not being open, as I weirdly feel offloading my emotions on others is burden.

Maybe Journalling, like the other user suggested, might be a good start for you then. It reduces some of the barriers in my experience. When I had feelings that were to hard to just tell my therapist I would write them down and give her the paper or read them out loud for her. 

Maybe it helps! I know starting a routine is difficult. I always have a bunch of reminders on my phone. Wishing you all the best!

2 hours ago, diemoehre said:

Would a social media break maybe help? Or muting these people on Instagram so you still follow them but don't see these images anymore? If that's not an option remember they probably have bad days as well but don't post about them. Instagram is usually super curated to show the best version of ourselves.

FAIR

 

tbh yeah a social media break might be beneficial but the issue is i'm so addicted to it  when I'm at work and not in the mood to read, I'm either on here or twitter or reddit or insta… it's messy! and yeah I have muted some stories recently of friends who I know are performing very frequently. I have sooo much down time at work and I'm asleep most of the day so audheyhxiegyxbd 

10 hours ago, diemoehre said:

Maybe Journalling, like the other user suggested, might be a good start for you then. It reduces some of the barriers in my experience. When I had feelings that were to hard to just tell my therapist I would write them down and give her the paper or read them out loud for her. 

Maybe it helps! I know starting a routine is difficult. I always have a bunch of reminders on my phone. Wishing you all the best!

I try to do writing at least 3 times a week as its also a nice way of 'escapism' too. 

11 hours ago, JoeAg said:

FAIR

 

tbh yeah a social media break might be beneficial but the issue is i'm so addicted to it  when I'm at work and not in the mood to read, I'm either on here or twitter or reddit or insta… it's messy! and yeah I have muted some stories recently of friends who I know are performing very frequently. I have sooo much down time at work and I'm asleep most of the day so audheyhxiegyxbd 

I get that. I downloaded some games onto my phone. Not these pay2win ones with a lot of Progress but stuff like Sudoku where you can always stop or pause. That's become a good alternative for me, maybe you can find some nice app as well?

2 hours ago, Hollywood. said:

I try to do writing at least 3 times a week as its also a nice way of 'escapism' too. 

That sounds really good! I should try that again as well. 

1 hour ago, diemoehre said:

That sounds really good! I should try that again as well. 

I even try doing it for one hour, just playing music and a word document. Even if I get just one sentence out I've at least had an hour of stress relief. 

I've been taking Prozac for about a month or so and I just started Olanzipine a few days ago. This combo is supposed to help with treatment resistant depression…and I have to say my mood today has been significantly better for once 

9 hours ago, diemoehre said:

I get that. I downloaded some games onto my phone. Not these pay2win ones with a lot of Progress but stuff like Sudoku where you can always stop or pause. That's become a good alternative for me, maybe you can find some nice app as well?

honestly that's a great idea, some apps like that can really distract you quite well

 

today has sucked a bit cause even though i'm feeling better and no longer am as sick, i woke up to see two of my older siblings PRAISING my older brother who worked on this film that's premiering at the sundance festival next month and seeing that RIGHT when i woke up REALLY f*cked with my mental health  like yeah i'm happy for him too but it made me feel like a failure and i immediately started comparing myself to him. honestly it's so unfair how he's having all this success in the entertainment industry and yet me, the musician who is so passionate will never find an ounce of his success no matter how hard I try. Jake is just such a stressful person to deal with and he's always been such a bully to me and everytime I almost feel bad about not posting on my instagram story the way my two siblings who did did, I immediately just remember that he NEVER says SH*T whenever i release a song. so no, i don't owe him that even though my guilty conscience is saying i do

On 12/7/2024 at 6:05 PM, JoeAg said:

I hate seeing people living my dream all the f*cking time on instagram stories and stuff. why am i friends with so many other musicians? well i know why: connections. relatability. networking. blah blah f*cking blah. it sucks seeing them be in recording studios and yet i'm just a joke. i know i know i KNOW  we all achieve what we need to achieve on our own time and okay yeah I get it i'm not entitled to have a recording deal or what the f*ck ever but i'm drunk and sad and have laryngitis and want people to love my music okay

LOL.

Are they trust fund kids?

Just curious, you produce your own music? If so, what DAW are you using?

57 minutes ago, Junipero said:

LOL.

Are they trust fund kids?

Just curious, you produce your own music? If so, what DAW are you using?

since I live in Denver I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them ARE trust fund kids  and yes I do but honestly I'm looking for help always in terms of production/mixing/mastering cause I want my upcoming EP to have more replay value than my past projects all have 

 

and I use logic pro at the moment! 

It seems like the one thing that does make me happy people judge me for it so now I gotta act like a normal human and handle my depression all by myself 

 

2025 probably going to be another probably worse year for mental health like I just want to find love and make new friends but idk it's starting to look impossible now. Growing up I feel like my autistim has gotten worse and it's hard to even find a job or make friends or even do everyday things like everyone does. Like I envy people who can do everyday normal things.

 

I don't even think therapy is going to help I need like a proper diagnosed one but seems like it's impossible to get in especially at my age.

 

Idk how to handle mental health all by myself 

On 12/12/2024 at 12:28 AM, JoeAg said:

since I live in Denver I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them ARE trust fund kids  and yes I do but honestly I'm looking for help always in terms of production/mixing/mastering cause I want my upcoming EP to have more replay value than my past projects all have 

 

and I use logic pro at the moment! 

You should leach off of them tbh(kidding)

Well, I really am feeling like trash today. I just feel so apathetic towards everything. It's like nothing can excite me anymore... I've spoken to friends about this but they just keep making plans and not including me, nor do I feel like they like me anymore.

 

I ended things with the person I was dating two months ago because I felt like I couldn't love myself so I couldn't make space to love him, now he says we're friends but when I check his socials it feels like he hates me. I can't really be in a space to forgive myself for what I did to him, even though I was always honest about my feelings. I fear everyone will hate me eventually. I'm stuck in this and don't know how to get out.

 

Also, my company is closing and I'm losing my job in like a month. I was reviewing my year and it was probably the year the highest highs and the lowest lows I've had ever. But man, the lows are eating me alive. I started the year in a relationship with a guy that love bombed me and turned cold in a month. I started going out with this last guy at the end of September when I thought I was over that other guy, but at the end of October I had this panic attack that made me back off of everything. I felt like an empty shell with no feelings. And now to think that he hates me for this it's making me feel even worse. I just want to disappear. From the end of October, my life is going downhill fast. My dog died, I lost a person that loved me but I couldn't love back and I lost my job. Me and this last guy had a conversation last week and he told me that we were friends but then I saw in his Twitter that he doesn't even think he's going to see me ever again, so I don't know what to make of that.

 

I hope to feel better eventually. I know time heals everything and all of that, but it's feeling so so hopeless right now.

Spoiler

My dad dying last January, my brother ******* dying the day after my BD and having to go get his corpse home 

My sister staying in the UK

& my mom dragging me down with her potential depression

 

god pls I'm just a little fvg  I wanna enjoy things 

 

Edited December 14, 20241 yr by Zeferino

Being home for the holidays and being reminded of what a mess your family is<<<<<<<

the holiday season sucks for people with depression. I get it completely. it stresses me out just like it stresses anyone else with depression out. I am so nervous about flying home on the 26th and seeing my family for a few days… however, I don't appreciate two of my friends freaking out because I slept all day—after having let them know yesterday that I barely got any sleep the night before—and thinking that since I won't respond today, I must be incapable and irresponsible and unable to take care of their cat tomorrow and the morning after. I actively went off on my friend while his girlfriend (who is also one of my best friends) was asleep in the next room, and I don't regret it one bit. I told him how I was feeling. she had a mental breakdown while they were out shopping earlier today because she thought i suddenly wasn't able to take care of their cat (who i've taken care of before) just because i work nights and was sleeping all day. my roommate encouraged me (over text, he's back with his family in NJ at the moment) because he knows that they treat me like a f*cking irresponsible and stupid child sometimes. it is completely unfair, and he apologized and of course gave me the keys to make sure I'll come in tomorrow and Wednesday to take care of their cat 🙂‍↕️

 

being assertive and letting people know that you feel as if you've been treated unfairly really works sometimes! I turn 28 in less than 2 weeks, and it's time for people to not just see me as the little brother friend (or for my siblings, just an irresponsible little brother) anymore