The holiday season really kicks my ass. Anyone got any idea why this is the case for so many of our depressive brothers, sisters and in between??

i'm not gonna go into crazy detail cause i know it's an incredibly sensitive topic but last night (yesterday was my 28th birthday btw so great way to end my birthday for sure  /s) i did arguably the stupidest thing i've EVER done in my now 28 years and i 

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overdosed. and it was f*cking awful. my impulsive ass finally reached its peak. it was completely accidental and even though I tested the substance for f*******, it came back inconclusive and my STUPID ASS had some of it before i left for work. I feel so stupid and embarrassed but fortunately my boss (who i'm close friends with now) and my best friends (my roommate and our friends who live in the apartment across the alleyway) were all incredibly helpful and i got a shot of narcan. it was really rough cause i was throwing up EVERYTHING i consumed. from small pieces of cake to JUST WATER i couldn't keep anything down. i sweat more last night than i ever have in a singular gym session

fortunately, i'm okay now. but i might end up scarred for life from this. i hate what my mental illness gives tendencies for me to do. my impulsivity is so rooted in my depression AND my ADHD making me feel like i need to give into reckless behaviors to not feel so… blah. i'm gonna bring this up to my psychiatrist probably when we meet next. I'm gonna be fine, I know I will. but I'm gonna need to take it easier than I have been in the past few years this year. I'm gonna get back into my old gym routine, I'm gonna not use substances in general as much as I have been. happy new year guys and I hope everyone's finding healthy ways to live and stay positive in this scary ass era we're living in 

what makes sh*t kinda worse is that while I was typing that^ my brother (the one i'm not close with at all who produces some music videos that i've mentioned to y'all) texted in our sibling group chat "How was your birthday?" and I really don't know how to answer. I don't think I want to tell anyone in my family about this stuff cause it's probably too raw to talk about it now but at the same f*cking time i'm like… can i really just lie and say it was amazing? cause after all the first part of it was amazing, before it got awfully dark of course 

I realize that my overdose the other night after I turned 28 might be a sign of some serious things with my mental health that are not so good. I hooked up last night with this dude I only ever hook up with when I'm at my most masochistic and it's always a sign that I'm feeling self-destructive. I don't know if I got enough sleep with him sleeping over last night but I've been trying to get more all day and of course that hasn't been working. my roommate just let me know that he's going across the alleyway to hang out with a couple who are getting him pizza and one of them is gonna f*ck him probably and I asked if I could join and he berated me about how weird that is and how it was putting him in an uncomfortable position. like sorry. I feel f*cking unlovable right now and I actively am so close to feeling like I want to harm myself more now! obviously that overdose three nights ago was the lowest moment of my life so I wouldn't repeat that necessarily but I don't know if I should really be alone right now? why does he get to go hook up with them and leave me alone here and make me feel gross about myself? but at the same time I know I've made him feel similarly in the past. I've had more chances than he has to hook up with couples I think. but idk why this even f*cking matters. I should still try to sleep more before my shift tonight but I also feel f*cking gross and want to die so who knows!

I also have finally gone completely off of lamictal after tapering down for almost 10(?) months now. so wow what a journey lol. but who knows if I feel like this is gonna work out at the end of the day 

On 1/6/2025 at 1:23 AM, JoeAg said:

I realize that my overdose the other night after I turned 28 might be a sign of some serious things with my mental health that are not so good. I hooked up last night with this dude I only ever hook up with when I'm at my most masochistic and it's always a sign that I'm feeling self-destructive. I don't know if I got enough sleep with him sleeping over last night but I've been trying to get more all day and of course that hasn't been working. my roommate just let me know that he's going across the alleyway to hang out with a couple who are getting him pizza and one of them is gonna f*ck him probably and I asked if I could join and he berated me about how weird that is and how it was putting him in an uncomfortable position. like sorry. I feel f*cking unlovable right now and I actively am so close to feeling like I want to harm myself more now! obviously that overdose three nights ago was the lowest moment of my life so I wouldn't repeat that necessarily but I don't know if I should really be alone right now? why does he get to go hook up with them and leave me alone here and make me feel gross about myself? but at the same time I know I've made him feel similarly in the past. I've had more chances than he has to hook up with couples I think. but idk why this even f*cking matters. I should still try to sleep more before my shift tonight but I also feel f*cking gross and want to die so who knows!

Baby, the really good thing here is that you have amazing self awareness. You are actively acknowledging these behaviours and their negative impact, and that's the most important part of self growth. It might be hard to change these impulses but the fact that you are aware of them is already half of the battle. I'm wishing you the best my love, I hope 2025 is an amazing year for you. Know I'm always around. 

On 1/3/2025 at 11:42 AM, JoeAg said:

what makes sh*t kinda worse is that while I was typing that^ my brother (the one i'm not close with at all who produces some music videos that i've mentioned to y'all) texted in our sibling group chat "How was your birthday?" and I really don't know how to answer. I don't think I want to tell anyone in my family about this stuff cause it's probably too raw to talk about it now but at the same f*cking time i'm like… can i really just lie and say it was amazing? cause after all the first part of it was amazing, before it got awfully dark of course 

Wait, why aren't you and your brother close?
I read that you said you guys weren't close and that he has been kinda lowkey successful in his art practice(which is directing???).

hello guys. long time no see.

 

I guess here we are again, feeling the same crappy feelings that have invaded my mind for the last 20+ years.

 

It's gotten to a point where I truly can't stand the fact of staying alive. I hate the way my life is going, I hate how things always turn against me, I hate that all the good energy and dedication I put into everything is never really enough, for my mind, to make me feel like I'm worth something.

 

I'm still on meds, I don't have any sexual desires, willingness to go out and hang out with friends, I kinda feel like a zombie who just takes these pills and goes on with his day. I feel like such a slave to whatever I'm going through that it really is making me desperate. I don't like this at all.

i feel f*cking ugly and i need to stop comparing myself but let's face it: i'm kind of weird looking. whatever. ugh f*ck my life bro i feel like everyone on here hates me lol

 

i need sleep i think

On 1/9/2025 at 4:41 PM, Junipero said:

Wait, why aren't you and your brother close?
I read that you said you guys weren't close and that he has been kinda lowkey successful in his art practice(which is directing???).

oh idk he's a bully. he doesn't really give a sh*t about my music or anything and he's a very disrespectful person

why can't people flirt with me based on my avi here? why do i even care so much? idek. i feel ugly world. this  is unlegg world

I'm so ******* bored. Men are whack, my friends are lame and I just feel like every day is becoming the same thing, over and over. 

3 hours ago, ArtDeco said:

I'm so ******* bored. Men are whack, my friends are lame and I just feel like every day is becoming the same thing, over and over. 

these days legit feel like a loop. with some variations. but still, it's scary.

just as an update... I'm dead ass ridden with anxiety as well. it's gotten significantly worse from November and on.

 

currently on a medical leave, waiting for my psychiatrist's appointment but to some degree, and more than I would like, life has lost its meaning. I don't feel like waking up in the morning, I don't like the lack of sympathy of those around me, being belittled and not believed makes me feel awful because they think it's just all up to me to wake up and "stop being sad", truth is, I am a very bubbly person. I've always been, even during my saddest days I always try to make those around me feel loved and just want to make people laugh.

 

I rarely ever get the same feeling back. I really dislike when people make me feel like I've never done anything for myself. I've spent what? close to 500K in meds, 600K in therapists and psychiatrist? but yes of course, I just need to put on a smile in the morning and everything will be okay

Feeling suicidal again these days (I wouldn't act on it but it does make me stay in bed for serval day) I haven't even left the house in 3 weeks my poor car only been driving once this year so far.  it's just the feeling of being judged and hated by everyone online and real life still clouds over my head. Being ignored, blocked or deleted does get to me I don't know being autistic and think differently to everyone else makes it super hard

 

Then Im like to myself I've been single 4 years I should get back out there but then I'm like if I can't even make friends what makes me think I'm ever going to find a partner 

 

I swear after turning 30 life just got really dark and depressing my whole 20s I was never single, seeing a guy once a month and used to go out clubbing with my friends every weekend but since COVID and after COVID nothing is improving and really don't think there is anything I can do.

 

I hide behind Stanning my favourite artists but there is only so much I can do without people cracking it at me.

Feelin' like a loser, feelin' like a bum

Sittin' on the outside observin' the fun 

 

I guess feeling sorry for myself won't fix anything, but I wish I had had someone who believed in me when I was younger instead of being taught that when I do things poorly, I should just give up and let someone else do it for me. Now I have no practical skills, so when I try something new I just want to give up and say I'm incapable/not born to do it.

 

Edited February 27, 20251 yr by Curaga

I don't know if it fits perfectly... but

I feel "attacked" from so many angles:

- vape addiction, I haven't taken any action to stop it at the moment

- extremely disheartened because I cannot get a new job, I feel stuck and unsure

- my heart jumps whenever I hear a phone-call: bad family issues (I live on my own)

- I'm lowkey also addicted to 0 coke/energy drink, and I have poor sleep as a result

- I feel like I can barely make any savings

- I have a certain shortsightedness, I can barely plan things in the future outside of the days I go to the office, when I go to the gym, and what I eat (these things keep me grounded a little)

- I sometimes go to the gym twice a day (second time just cardio), because I'd rather do something than sit with myself

 

I feel like all this should make me panic, but I don't. I just have this always present low level anxiety that in some points jumps to exasperation and hopelessness.

Apparently I didn't learn from the past. 2 weeks ago my dad said my grandfather (his dad) wasn't doing well. So I got time off work to go see him, but that trip continuously got delayed cause of winter weather. Eventually, it cleared but I still was like maybe tomorrow.

 

Well tomorrow is now too late. I spent a year with regret when I lost my friend and now may end up back there again. 
 

Crazy how as humans we always take life for granted until it's too late. 
 

But I'm thankful he got a long life and went peacefully. My poor aunt lost her dad on her birthday though. 

there's this dude who lives in the building I work at and he's very like conventionally handsome and a tall twink and I feel so insecure every time he's brought up because my boss (who is also a conventionally attractive twink) is like "oh he always hooks up with so many people so it's good to make sure that the gays going up to his apartment are on his guest list… speaking of which Joe have you seen how long his guest list is?" and he showed it to me and it was 16 people which yeah wow impressive but idk it made me feel so insecure and every time one of his guests comes up to the desk I can always tell they're more conventionally attractive than I am and it makes me feel so disgusting! like these are the gays that probably think I'm gross and would not respond to me on sniffies and I don't know why I care so much but I've tapped him on grindr before and he's never tapped me back and I can just tell that sudbjzhejxhehdhbd god I HATE HOW OUR COMMUNITY IS SOMETIMES!! it's so futile to compare myself to others! who cares that I'm not 6'5? it's not like I can f*cking control my height  ugh why am I hyperfixating on a resident I've barely ever even talked to! probably because another one of my friends (another resident, another twink, who is friends with both me and my boss) also thinks the 6'5 guy is super hot and he's so sudhdjhcnehxbbe idk how even to explain it but when he talks about his type I can tell that he thinks I'm probably somewhat gross or just out of it or just not attractive enough and why do I even care?‽!! god I hate myself so much sometimes why do I do this sh*t to myself! but also why is the gay community so excluding to people who are unconventional? what is the DEAL with that? I know I'll never fully fit into any sort of ideal because even if I'm in shape I'll always be short, I'll always be very hairy, and I'll always want my hair to be on the longer side. ugh! how can I make myself more wanted? idek

had been growing my hair out for a year, after obsessively buzzing and butchering it (OCD/ADHD/body dysmorphia) for years, which always made me feel worse and more ugly.. i had a new found confidence in myself after getting through all the awkward length stages while growing it out. was complimented on my hair more than ever, and would always respond with "i'll never cut it short again". well today i relapsed amd completely f*cked my hair up, trying a mod cut and ended up cutting it too short.. now it's as short as it was a year ago, i feel hideous, body dysmorphia 10/10 today, and worst part is i feel like i took 10 steps back and now i wont feel confident for another year.. i truly never learn! but it also has made me realise i can't base my confidence on my looks because that can always change and need to do some more deeper healing so that superficial things like this don't make my world feel like it's ending.

Edited February 26, 20251 yr by ThousandMiles

3 hours ago, JoeAg said:

there's this dude who lives in the building I work at and he's very like conventionally handsome and a tall twink and I feel so insecure every time he's brought up because my boss (who is also a conventionally attractive twink) is like "oh he always hooks up with so many people so it's good to make sure that the gays going up to his apartment are on his guest list… speaking of which Joe have you seen how long his guest list is?" and he showed it to me and it was 16 people which yeah wow impressive but idk it made me feel so insecure and every time one of his guests comes up to the desk I can always tell they're more conventionally attractive than I am and it makes me feel so disgusting! like these are the gays that probably think I'm gross and would not respond to me on sniffies and I don't know why I care so much but I've tapped him on grindr before and he's never tapped me back and I can just tell that sudbjzhejxhehdhbd god I HATE HOW OUR COMMUNITY IS SOMETIMES!! it's so futile to compare myself to others! who cares that I'm not 6'5? it's not like I can f*cking control my height  ugh why am I hyperfixating on a resident I've barely ever even talked to! probably because another one of my friends (another resident, another twink, who is friends with both me and my boss) also thinks the 6'5 guy is super hot and he's so sudhdjhcnehxbbe idk how even to explain it but when he talks about his type I can tell that he thinks I'm probably somewhat gross or just out of it or just not attractive enough and why do I even care?‽!! god I hate myself so much sometimes why do I do this sh*t to myself! but also why is the gay community so excluding to people who are unconventional? what is the DEAL with that? I know I'll never fully fit into any sort of ideal because even if I'm in shape I'll always be short, I'll always be very hairy, and I'll always want my hair to be on the longer side. ugh! how can I make myself more wanted? idek

Bestie, it's perspective. You are never going to be everyone's type and that's okay, people have different tastes. You don't struggle with getting dates or hookups so why fixate on the men who don't want you? Or frankly, why fixate on men who you think don't want you? 

 

Even conventionally attractive people struggle with sex and relationships. Kim Kardashian is considered a sex symbol by many and yet she's a four time divorcee, it's hardly a smooth sailing for her as far as love goes. Being taller, more muscular or thinner wouldn't fix your problems. You are hot already anyway with a very active sex life so who cares about some twinks who do not want to sleep with you.

7 hours ago, John Slayne said:

Bestie, it's perspective. You are never going to be everyone's type and that's okay, people have different tastes. You don't struggle with getting dates or hookups so why fixate on the men who don't want you? Or frankly, why fixate on men who you think don't want you? 

 

Even conventionally attractive people struggle with sex and relationships. Kim Kardashian is considered a sex symbol by many and yet she's a four time divorcee, it's hardly a smooth sailing for her as far as love goes. Being taller, more muscular or thinner wouldn't fix your problems. You are hot already anyway with a very active sex life so who cares about some twinks who do not want to sleep with you.

you're honestly 100% right idk why I fixate on stuff like that! I started writing some new lyrics about feeling that way though and how toxic the queer community can sometimes be in terms of like superficiality and sh*t like that. thank you for this babe

 

the cognitive dissonance of hypernormalization is making me feel like a crazy person

I already have depression on a good day, but I hate liking someone who I doubt will ever like me back  It just makes my depression 10x worse and makes me shut down even more.

trying my hardest to not let the unprovoked rudeness of a member in the Gaga base just now get to me but it's lowkey kind of hard! trying not to be hurt by a random idiotic comment by someone I've never even interacted with but when it's the last hour of my night shift and I've been feeling incredibly insecure about my looks lately it's actually kind of difficult