Been feeling pretty blah for the most part. My current medications seem to be helping with the physical motivation aspect but my mood is kind of low. Every aspect of my life just sucks.

On 4/2/2025 at 10:32 PM, monologueNacafe said:

Been feeling pretty blah for the most part. My current medications seem to be helping with the physical motivation aspect but my mood is kind of low. Every aspect of my life just sucks.

I am getting back on my antidepressants.

So, I've been planning to submit a readmission application to my uni so I can finally finish my degree (got very, very, very close but my addiction stopped me from reaching the finish line) just to find out that I'm missing 1 gen ed course and you are required to have all of them done to reapply. And if your application gets denied for any reason, you are barred from submitting another one for a full year.  

 

Been kinda spiraling over it today and just feel very defeated. But more than anything, I can't bear to live with my parents and in my hometown anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating and keep battling thoughts of relapse. 

 

Also, I've been writing music for a while but haven't had the courage to start actually recording and producing anything because that's all totally foreign to me and I can feel it weighing on my soul. I just can't get myself to commit to it. 

 

N E Way, I'm gonna try and be a guest/transient student at my local CC to take the class. I'm just so over everything and mentally burned out over nothing. Something needs to change. 

I'm starting to realize that a lot of the funk I've felt since the end of last year isn't just because of a lack of direction in life (though that's definitely part of it), but also my family situation. I think that living at home with family because of not having a job and feeling lost at the moment wouldn't be as hard if my mom wasn't so toxic.

2 minutes ago, Jotham said:

I'm starting to realize that a lot of the funk I've felt since the end of last year isn't just because of a lack of direction in life (though that's definitely part of it), but also my family situation. I think that living at home with family because of not having a job and feeling lost at the moment wouldn't be as hard if my mom wasn't so toxic.

Are we living the same life, because what the hell

 

My company closed back in January, I got very sick some weeks ago and had to be admitted to the Hospital. I am fine now, but I'm feeling very lost as well and I love my mom but she can be very toxic too.

 

I hope you can find your way soon enough, I am rooting for you and if you ever need anything know my DMs are open 

my roommate's beautiful, perfect cat Arya is gonna have to be put down today. she's been on her last legs for awhile but I'm laying with her rn and it's just very much the end for her. she's having a hard time breathing

Spoiler

we're in Ray's bed but we're about to head out and get her euthanized I think. I'm gonna miss this angel so much and I f*cking hate that I have to say bye to her!! life is so f*cking unfair man 

Just broke up with me boyfriend, we've been together for 4.5 years and we were living together. Had to come back to my parents house, lost my job, just have a few classes I teach but that's not enough for anything, I really miss our dog.

 

Been feeling pretty depressed and like my life is falling apart in every aspect.

3 hours ago, JoeAg said:

my roommate's beautiful, perfect cat Arya is gonna have to be put down today. she's been on her last legs for awhile but I'm laying with her rn and it's just very much the end for her. she's having a hard time breathing

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we're in Ray's bed but we're about to head out and get her euthanized I think. I'm gonna miss this angel so much and I f*cking hate that I have to say bye to her!! life is so f*cking unfair man 

I'm so sorry to hear this sis  My cat is really sick too and may be put down soon so I understand, my DMs are open if you need anything.

24 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I'm so sorry to hear this sis  My cat is really sick too and may be put down soon so I understand, my DMs are open if you need anything.

thank you babe  yeah Arya was an angel, I cried so much today I wasn't even expecting to! she was in Ray's life since he was 16 and he's turning 30 next week, and I had only had her in my life for 2.5 years but man I wasn't expecting her to have such an effect on me. I have so many great photos to remember her by, I'm gonna miss her so much... I think we both might get tattoos dedicated to her

Just now, JoeAg said:

thank you babe  yeah Arya was an angel, I cried so much today I wasn't even expecting to! she was in Ray's life since he was 16 and he's turning 30 next week, and I had only had her in my life for 2.5 years but man I wasn't expecting her to have such an effect on me. I have so many great photos to remember her by, I'm gonna miss her so much... I think we both might get tattoos dedicated to her

Her eyes are so beautiful  What a sweet kitty

hating myself is like a special talent atp. like I just keep f*cking up and being a mess and I sent my siblings a voice memo of myself warming up my singing voice this morning and they all f*cking ignored it and just started talking about each other instead and I hate being the youngest and I hate being single and I hate how I'm the least successful person in my family and I just wanna be in a different part of my life where I hate myself less already 

okay i'm slightly less sad now cause one of my drunk ass residents made me crack up cause he thought i was our female concierge who works during the day and half jokingly asked me if i was still married and i was so confused for a sec but then he complimented my hair and asked how I keep it looking so nice and I told him "biotin" lol

On 5/1/2025 at 7:13 AM, EnigmaticAndroid said:

So, I've been planning to submit a readmission application to my uni so I can finally finish my degree (got very, very, very close but my addiction stopped me from reaching the finish line) just to find out that I'm missing 1 gen ed course and you are required to have all of them done to reapply. And if your application gets denied for any reason, you are barred from submitting another one for a full year.  

 

Been kinda spiraling over it today and just feel very defeated. But more than anything, I can't bear to live with my parents and in my hometown anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating and keep battling thoughts of relapse. 

 

Also, I've been writing music for a while but haven't had the courage to start actually recording and producing anything because that's all totally foreign to me and I can feel it weighing on my soul. I just can't get myself to commit to it. 

 

N E Way, I'm gonna try and be a guest/transient student at my local CC to take the class. I'm just so over everything and mentally burned out over nothing. Something needs to change. 

I actually went back to Uni in 2020, right when Covid hit. It was a ******* disaster. Anyway, I had to leave cause I caught Covid 4 times and almost died. I got a 100K scholarship at UAL in London through Adobe. Heartbreaking I had to leave due to the pandemic and my health. Realising society didnt give a **** about those of us who were building a life right when a virus took it all away. ****** up.

Having a therapist is working really well for me. I spent so many years bottling my emotions that it made my life feel as stuck as it currently is. I gained weight like crazy on my 2nd year in college and was never really able to lose it. Back in February, I had to do a small procedure and while I was in the waiting room shirtless I felt so disgusted with my body. It's something that was pretty normal for me to feel like that, but I having a session on that same day made me take the decision to install an app to control my calories and people keep saying how skinnier I look nowadays 

 

My self esteem was definitely one of the reasons why I felt so bad and punished myself constantly, but now I'm working on dealing with my emotions even outside the sessions.

 

Hopefully this and working a non-remote job will help me in the following months to finally take the step to move out and finally be on my own. One of my biggest fears currently is feeling alone, which is something that will definitely happen once I ditch this place and don't have my family to rely on outside the weekends, but it's also going to be so exciting to start living my life the way I want to

 

 

i'm really struggling right now 

I wish something good would happen for me for once. Can I just win at least once

Today is the 2nd anniversary of one of my best friends death. 

 

It's a horrible reminder that life is precious and short, so make sure you tell your friends and family how you feel about em everyday. 

Spoiler

My gambling addiction is getting out of hand again. smh.

 

Whew, just had an ugly cry thinking about my LASIK... I wish I had never done this  I just want my vision and ability to rub my eyes back. I would go back to glasses in a heartbeat.

16 hours ago, Curaga said:

Whew, just had an ugly cry thinking about my LASIK... I wish I had never done this  I just want my vision and ability to rub my eyes back. I would go back to glasses in a heartbeat.

Wait... my sister got that procedure done a few months ago... How much time has passed since you did? Give it time sis and be very strict with the daily care. 

Guess I could use this space to vent a little bit as well... I've started journaling, taking care of myself and most importantly finally dumped FOR REAL important people from my life that I kept letting in when I shouldn't have. Life has been a bit rough since 2023 when I decided to quit everything that would make me progress in life and I've been pretty much drowning inside my room.

Now I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks and I'm really motivated but I'm getting too obsessed and it's just like... I can't let myself enjoy things without overthinking so much and second guessing myself. Soon I'll have to start making more decisions like getting back on track academically because I have some unfinished business and I don't know if I'm ready. Plus I think I can't afford focusing fully on my degree anymore, I'll have to find some job on the side. On a lighter note, I also have a concert in a couple of weeks (yay!) but I'm getting anxious over the thought of having so much people around me. Idk. I should be feeling happier rn but I'm a bit hopeless and the uncertainty about my future is too much.

 

More often than not I feel like I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and no matter what I do I'll never be fully happy and content with myself and there's so much I want to achieve and it's like life is a race and time is slipping through my hands despite being young. The thought of "I should have achieved all these things by now and I have not" is kinda hard to shake off when it happens. 

Cant believe i have been rawdogging this life for 32 years i want to get on antidepressants but i dont want to lose my libido

3 hours ago, ChooseyLover said:

Wait... my sister got that procedure done a few months ago... How much time has passed since you did? Give it time sis and be very strict with the daily care. 

It's been 11 days, so not very long, but I guess I'm one of those people who wasn't able to see immediately after  I read that it takes a couple months for some peoples eyes to really adjust/heal completely, so I just need to hang in there... I mostly upset myself because they told me I could stop sleeping with eye shields, but I keep waking myself up by rubbing my itchy dry eyes, so I was panicked that I ruined everything lol 🫠

 

3 hours ago, ChooseyLover said:

Guess I could use this space to vent a little bit as well... I've started journaling, taking care of myself and most importantly finally dumped FOR REAL important people from my life that I kept letting in when I shouldn't have. Life has been a bit rough since 2023 when I decided to quit everything that would make me progress in life and I've been pretty much drowning inside my room.

Now I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks and I'm really motivated but I'm getting too obsessed and it's just like... I can't let myself enjoy things without overthinking so much and second guessing myself. Soon I'll have to start making more decisions like getting back on track academically because I have some unfinished business and I don't know if I'm ready. Plus I think I can't afford focusing fully on my degree anymore, I'll have to find some job on the side. On a lighter note, I also have a concert in a couple of weeks (yay!) but I'm getting anxious over the thought of having so much people around me. Idk. I should be feeling happier rn but I'm a bit hopeless and the uncertainty about my future is too much.

 

More often than not I feel like I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and no matter what I do I'll never be fully happy and content with myself and there's so much I want to achieve and it's like life is a race and time is slipping through my hands despite being young. The thought of "I should have achieved all these things by now and I have not" is kinda hard to shake off when it happens. 

Ugh, I feel you... I've had a looming "what's the point/I'll never get better" kind of feeling lately too  I think journaling and going to the gym will do wonders for you though, so keep at it! Don't worry about being the best or being better than someone else, just be better than you yourself were yesterday and I think that's what will help you feel accomplished. Just have fun every day and do what makes you happy, and if it's not school right now that makes you happy, that's ok! 

10 minutes ago, Curaga said:

It's been 11 days, so not very long, but I guess I'm one of those people who wasn't able to see immediately after  I read that it takes a couple months for some peoples eyes to really adjust/heal completely, so I just need to hang in there... I mostly upset myself because they told me I could stop sleeping with eye shields, but I keep waking myself up by rubbing my itchy dry eyes, so I was panicked that I ruined everything lol 🫠

 

Ugh, I feel you... I've had a looming "what's the point/I'll never get better" kind of feeling lately too  I think journaling and going to the gym will do wonders for you though, so keep at it! Don't worry about being the best or being better than someone else, just be better than you yourself were yesterday and I think that's what will help you feel accomplished. Just have fun every day and do what makes you happy, and if it's not school right now that makes you happy, that's ok! 

My sister has been struggling with watching a bit blurry all the time but she seems satisfied overall. I guess she does see better than when she had to wear glasses and they tell her in the appointments that everything's fine. I hope the blurriness goes away completely though... if I remember correctly it has to do with having dry eyes, yeah. I don't think you ruined anything if you don't rub them too hard or too often, I'm sure you're probably avoiding it as much as you can  Honestly I would get all paranoid with it as well so I get it... 

Thanks for the tips  I'm so awful at taking things easy and also I'm so impatient and yeah I compare myself a lot to people especially academically. Like... I'm really good but I'm not the "I'm good at this because it's my passion" kind (music is the ONLY thing I'm passionate about in this world), I'm the "I study a lot and that's why I'm good" type. 

I've been going through it so bad with my self-esteem lately and no matter how much I work out there's always gonna be someone way more clearly conventionally attractive in any given room than myself and thus they'll be paid so much more attention to and idk how to explain this without sounding vain as f*ck but my self-worth regarding my looks is so in the pits rn. my manager (26, twink, a friend of mine) is very into this dude he met who's friends with this like very in shape dude (I believe he's an escort too) who lives at the building we work at and I met the dude tonight and I was already feeling gross about myself after the gym and the dude is wearing a tight t shirt and tight pants so he looks more muscular than me even though we're honestly the same amount of muscular but he has shorter hair and is taller so obviously he's more conventionally attractive and why do I even f*cking care so much? last night, one of our residents I had never met before got into conversation with me while she was a bit drunk—and I was a bit f*cked up off an edible—and she kept talking about how my manager is so cute and I like expressed to her how I didn't wanna hear that and how I'm going through it and she was super nice and telling me I shouldn't care so much what people think but DUDE BEING IN THE QUEER COMMUNITY FR IS SO GODDAMN STRESSFUL because Is2g everything is put into how we look and I don't want to perpetuate that further but idk how not to. I'm writing a song about the impossibly high standards of our community rn, it's entitled "insecta" because I feel like an insect in this community most of the time 🦟