I relapsed last night but it was a different kind of drunk, more celebratory than self -destructive. 

 

I'm not sure how this affects me going forward but I don't feel so bad this morning, I also realised that the manipulation tactics you learn as an addict can make you a very good cult leader

Thinking of leaving work early and ending it all via asphyxiation by helium tank I'm just so ******* done being alive 

Sometimes I wish something sudden would happen like an aneurysm or something that would instantly put me out of my misery without actually having to unalive myself, but then sometimes the delusional narcissist within my psyche convinces me that I'm the best thing ever and I no longer have the urge to Katy Perrish

Writing my personal statement to readmit to uni 

 

They have a rule where if you get denied for any reason, you must wait a full calendar year to reapply... 

 

I wasn't put on academic probation or anything, but I did have a few bad grades spread across 2/3 semesters when I had started to fall into my addiction and a lot of trauma came up. I'm so scared that I'll get rejected and have to put off restarting life for another year. I feel stuck rn and am trying to find courage again. 

 

Edited April 5Apr 5 by EnigmaticAndroid

14 hours ago, EnigmaticAndroid said:

Writing my personal statement to readmit to uni 

 

They have a rule where if you get denied for any reason, you must wait a full calendar year to reapply... 

 

I wasn't put on academic probation or anything, but I did have a few bad grades spread across 2/3 semesters when I had started to fall into my addiction and a lot of trauma came up. I'm so scared that I'll get rejected and have to put off restarting life for another year. I feel stuck rn and am trying to find courage again. 

I've been trying to start my personal statements for my PhD applications for the last three weeks, but I've been depressed and don't even know what to write.

i'm so insecure and i feel so f*cking ugly i shouldn't have even posted that pic in the selfie thread earlier everyone thinks i'm gross UGH i just slept from 1:45 to 11 pm and i need to sleep more cause i'm going to a protest with my friends tomorrow but idk when i'll fall back asleep but i feel nasty and hate myself YAYYYYYYYY

on saturday, after the no kings protest, I could tell my roommate was bothered by something and to be honest I don't like that he won't apologize for yelling at me in public but he actually raised some very valid points. I probably have narcissistic personality disorder or bipolar disorder, even though my psychiatrist had previously ruled out the latter saying that my ADHD can look like bipolar. but man. my roommate got on me for wanting to become a paralegal, but no offense but i'm not gonna be listening to him if he won't hear me out about that one. he also brought up how it's stupid i'm on twitter in the first place, wanting to be called pretty or hot or whatever by posting selfies. he's correct. twitter is indeed owned by a fascist. so why do I need the validation so much? it's a f*cking stupid endless cycle of peoples' selfies getting hundreds of notes while mine are lucky to ever scrape 10 and this making me furious and stressed out. the algorithm is designed to make a lot of us feel insecure and fugly. and it works. too. damn. well. I have a psychiatrist appointment in 2 hours and this is the first one ever that will be in person. wish me luck. I'm gonna bring up saturday and i'm also gonna bring up how unstoppably insecure I am. 

Depression has hit me hard especially after hearing hyunjin nearly gave up on his whole music career. On top of all the stuff I'm going through going to homeless, feeling completely alone having nobody but I had him to help me through it and fact I almost didn't. I teared me apart completely it's like nothing in this life so worth living for now. What's the point when my life and everyone I love is going away?

everything sucks

I saw my psychiatrist today. I'm pretty much at the end of the line as far as treatments. I've tried almost everything. They recommend either ECT or esketamine. I'm too afraid to get ECT and my insurance won't cover the esketamine.

 

I just feel so hopeless. I probably won't ever be happy.

so my psychiatrist appointment on Monday was pretty excellent but she prescribed me this new med called Caplyta. I was told by her and by reddit that it often makes people drowsy so taking it before I sleep would be a good idea. I did that on Tuesday morning (I work nights so I try to get to sleep in the morning) and it f*cked with my sleep so bad both yesterday AND today  it was weird cause yes it made me dizzy and maybe a bit drowsy, but it made me so dehydrated and freaked out that it completely f*cked with my sleep… so since I have a lowkey sort of job, I've decided to take it at night instead. I just took it a few minutes ago and not to jinx it but I'm already thinking that this might be the way to go. here's hoping this stuff works out for me!

On 10/21/2025 at 2:30 PM, monologueNacafe said:

I saw my psychiatrist today. I'm pretty much at the end of the line as far as treatments. I've tried almost everything. They recommend either ECT or esketamine. I'm too afraid to get ECT and my insurance won't cover the esketamine.

 

I just feel so hopeless. I probably won't ever be happy.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way  fwiw I've heard incredible things about ECT. how much would the esketamine cost without your insurance covering it?

Would taking a bunch of sleeping pills end me? Bc maybe it be easier if I just died constantly nobody is going to help me and rentals keep knocking me back. I rather be dead than live on the streets or in my car 

 

It's not like anyone would miss me? Everyone here pretends I don't exist, my whole family has abounded me or died, none of my friends will help even my ex couldn't even look after my car for a week 

 

I sold the house thinking I can move somehow else and be happy but instead real estate guy ****** me over took my house away and I can't even afford to buy a house with the money I sold this house with only option is to build but rentels won't have me bc I've never rented before.

had an appointment with my psychologist yesterday. i knew i wasn't doing well but when she told me i was "back" (in the sense it worsened) in full blown depression it really tore me down. 

today i had a full blown mental breakdown at the bathroom at work for about 15 minutes crying myself to an extent i hadn't in years 

 

 

On 10/25/2025 at 7:43 AM, Hyune said:

Would taking a bunch of sleeping pills end me? Bc maybe it be easier if I just died constantly nobody is going to help me and rentals keep knocking me back. I rather be dead than live on the streets or in my car 

 

It's not like anyone would miss me? Everyone here pretends I don't exist, my whole family has abounded me or died, none of my friends will help even my ex couldn't even look after my car for a week 

 

I sold the house thinking I can move somehow else and be happy but instead real estate guy ****** me over took my house away and I can't even afford to buy a house with the money I sold this house with only option is to build but rentels won't have me bc I've never rented before.

oh baby i'm sorry you're going to these struggles but don't let the monsters on your head get to you 

 

it's tough but the idea we won't be missed is a fallacy. even if it were true, you'd yourself miss you. before anything else we need to love ourselves so maybe it could help change that course of thought 

 

i started to isolate myself a lot these past months and had suicidal thoughts but i always think that i have myself and i need myself and i will continue to fight for myself. it's helped a bit, im not saying it's what you should do but it's an example of maybe something that could work and improve your mental state as of now 

 

I HATE how such minute sh*tty little things trigger my depression and send me spiralling into a pit of insecurity and self-loathing  a leasing agent who lives at the property I work at (so she works here AND lives here) just came in drunk asking if I could make her a spare key to get into her friend's apartment cause she left her key there, and her ID didn't match either of the units she drunkenly rattled off so she decided to show me a text convo with some dude I guess and it included something like "can't wait to f*ck that p*ssy" which obviously she didn't mean for me to see and I didn't change my expression to indicate that I'd seen something I wasn't meant to see but it just made me feel so defeated cause why can't I find girls that will like me  it's always so easy to find guys who like me but girls never seem to like me and it makes me so sad! I know i'm probably sounding incelish but like i've had sex with people of all different genders and dated people of all different genders i just wish it was as easy to find women who might be into me as it is to find men who are 

Quit a new job as a project manager at a newspaper after two days today because I couldn't mentally cope with not being able to be at home in my safe space. It was so bad that I had a mental breakdown yesterday at the thought of going back to the office today and had to take my "emergency case" meds that knocked me out completely... forced myself to go today regardless and give it another chance but felt absolutely miserable the whole day... it reminded me of a time a couple of years ago when my anxiety disorder was so bad I couldn't leave the house by myself, something I thought I had gotten over and worked through. 

 

I feel so useless though... almost like I'm too stupid to get my act together and just go to work like everybody else but... I just can't do it... lately I just want to kms and call it a day... I grew up poor and always wanted to change that but if I'm not even capable of going to an office for 8 hours a day I might as well just get it over with...

 

So... if anyone has any tips on what jobs one can realistically do from home that are depression/anxiety friendly feel free to share your experiences :(

 

Edited November 4, 2025Nov 4 by FlyOnTheWall

I had a f*cked up day and

Spoiler

only technically probably got about 5 hours of sleep (which also happened yesterday and has caused me to f*cking f*ck up my gym schedule this week so I haven't worked out since Sunday night… kill. my. self.) all because some douchebag I was talking to and invited over on sniffies was being wishy washy for hours and started saying he'd be free  "in 30 minutes" from like 8:30 am. he wasn't free until like 11 am and then said he'd come over and y'all know how the location sh*t on sniffies is ass? well it kept saying he was 5 miles away even when he was allegedly "parked down the street" so I honestly thought he was a f*cking scammer and I'd given him the access code to get into my building but his dumbass couldn't figure out how to use it even after I gave him clear instructions several times and he left after 3 minutes and only THEN did his location update that he was 700-something feet away  and he deleted our convo and I proved to him that I was outside waiting for him (and by this time it was like 12:30 f*cking pm…. I should've been asleep by then) and then he blocked me. it was just so f*cking lame dude and made me feel like sh*t and the worst part is that I haven't worked out since Sunday like I said and wasn't able to tonight before my shift because I needed all the sleep I can get. I had a psych appointment on Tuesday morning to  discuss the new med they put me on but it was only a nurse practitioner cause I think my psych had a medical emergency (she's okay thankfully!) but the NP advised me to stay on it for the next few days til we solidify something to get me off of it. I hate it. caplyta has made my sleep so much f*cking worse and I WANT OUT! 

 

the seasonal depression is arriving slowly but surely.

I feel hopeless 

I had a gross interaction with my morning relief this morning when my shift was ending. she gave me a really ominous sort of "ooooh you're in troubleeee" vibe and it's like you're 66… please cool it. the reason this is significant is because she's always so excited to see me but apparently she talked to someone on my team (I work for a concierge company whereas even though she's also technically a concierge she works for the realty company) and they mentioned how I keep clocking out super late at the ends of my shifts and it's always cause SHE gets me into major convos when I'm ready to go home. idk obviously it's my fault too but I didn't appreciate how she was like "ohhh Joe… you need to be careful honey…" it felt so foreboding and kinda ruined my morning. on top of that I was talking to a resident beforehand and admitted to her that I'm bi and I think all the potential interest she may have had in me faded away and it's like why the f*ck can't girls like me anymore  I feel so disgusting rn and I know I need to sleep but… god. I wanna d word so bad sometimes (I'm not suicidal actively I'm just so stressed rn) or at least just not be in this body. I miss girls but only guys are attracted to me anymore and it makes me feel so defeated 

I've been discussing with my therapist that maybe it's time to take some medication. My mental health has been degrading lately, but since I can still control my emotions after a while, he said it's for the best to wait a little longer, unless I keep spiralling.

 

I've been getting really close with a coworker of mine who's honestly feeling like sort of a father figure to me lately, and it's nice to slowly open up to him. I have nothing against my father, but I do wish he was more present for me while I was growing up, because I definitely feel that the lack of a significant male figure in my life might be one of the reasons why I keep supressing my emotions and I'm afraid to show vulnerability.

I love how I've had months and months of successful hookups with men but the one time in like 6 months that a woman shows interest in me it ends up being a complete flop and I go home depressed and feeling disgusting about myself. I should just face it that only men like me. it's f*cking so depressing. I'd rather date a woman now than a man but women want nothing to do with me and it's like omgggg am I a half incel? #lol 

 

no but for real… being an effeminate bisexual man is NOT for the faint of heart!

I had a somewhat decent week in which I was unfortunately sick but still productive, but then this morning after work everything f*cking went to sh*t... but then got slightly better I guess. so I should sleep soon

rant world!

I put in the days I'm gonna be home in Maryland for the holidays in our regional company group chat and then my boss texts me directly like 30 seconds later and says that those are blackout days and that I can't not be there those days. um no dude. it wasn't a "request" or an "ask." it was a me f*cking telling you that I will be away and you're just gonna have to accept that. I haven't texted back but I've slowly started looking at some indeed listings today for a new job for the new year. anyway. right after all that, my pharmacy calls a second day in a row to let me know that they are all out of adderall and that I should call around to find somewhere else to fill my prescription. it's soooo f*cking disheartening dude cause I just went through this major ordeal where, surprise! I'm no longer able to be on vyvanse. it's f*cking so frustrating because suddenly my insurance company needs more info for why I keep getting prior authorizations for vyvanse and not wanting to accept generic vyvanse. oh you know why? IT'S BECAUSE GENERIC VYVANSE DOESN'T WORK FOR ME so now they're putting me back on adderall xr and what a time for it cause apparently there's a national shortage

rant world part 2

and to add onto all that? my roommate and I have decided we will be paying rent late this month (as in... on the 15th or 16th) because if we did flex today he wouldn't have enough money for the holiday market we're going to tomorrow. I get it, but it's still frustrating because tbh I wanted to just get it over with and pay it all today... idk. whatever I guess! I'm having email exchanges with the lady who's in control of rent for my apartment and it's stressful and I have to tell her now that we'll be super late

rant world part 3, staying positive

fortunately, I just topped some dude I've been hoooking up with recently, and it was fun. and after we both finished I checked my phone and my roommate had texted to let me know of a pharmacy that reliably has the adderall I need! I texted my psychiatrist's office to re-send it there but just now looked them up and they f*cking have a three day weekend so they're closed today but hopefully they'll do just that on monday morning. idk dude. it's a stressful life and I'm proud of myself for getting my sh*t done, but it's incredibly tough some days and today is a day that just has sucked and been chaotic for the most part. lemme take my sleep meds and knock out for a long time