The days where you want to throw all your progress away and fall back into a hole, yup! I'm tired. I've worked so hard and it ultimately feels for nothing. I can't escape myself.

I just took 5 shots at once and am doing everything in my power to not take myself to the river and jump in with my hands tied behind my back and rocks in my pocket I wanna die so bad

Bye

I miss my ex-boyfriend so much it's making me legitimately suicidal.

I miss him so much it's making me legitimately suicidal.

It's been some time now since he left but none of this feels any easier. If anything, it's only gotten darker. The pain isn't fading. It's growing into something heavier, something I wake up with and fall asleep with and carry around like a second skin. I used to start my mornings with love by waking up to a long, thoughtful message from him that made my chest feel warm and full. Other days I'd be the one sending him paragraphs just to start his day off right and let him know how deeply he meant to me. That routine was everything to me but now there's just silence and this hollow emptiness that makes each morning feel like waking up in a world where something vital is missing and nothing really matters anymore.

 

At night it's worse because that's when I feel it all cave in. I miss his voice, his laugh and the way he could pull a smile out of me even when I was too numb to feel anything else. I miss watching movies with him, spending our Friday nights listening to new music that dropped, making inside jokes that no one else would ever understand, just being in his presence even if we weren't saying much. He was my comfort, my safe place and truly my best friend, someone that made me feel safe in a world that felt so dark before he came into it. I don't think I ever truly understood how alone a person could feel until he disappeared. It's like he vanished and took all the color with him.

 

He said he still wanted to be friends, that he'd always care and I believed him because I wanted to and because I needed to but that clearly wasn't the truth because we haven't spoken since our breakup aside from me paying him back for things I owed. He's gone. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. It's like I never existed to him at all and like everything we shared was disposable. Trying to live with that truth is making me feel genuinely unwell and I feel like I'm losing my grip. I feel like I'm going crazy from the silence. I keep refreshing old messages, listening to old voicemails, clinging to any scrap of proof that what we had was real and that I wasn't just imagining all of it.

 

Now it's bleeding into everything and I've become this version of myself I don't even recognize. I'm snapping at people who care about me, yelling at my parents and getting irritable with my coworkers when they try to talk to me, resenting everyone around me who gets to live without this weight crushing their chest. I even told my sister and her wife to sell the Halsey ticket they got me just because I feel bitter and angry being around people who are in love and happy while I'm dealing with pure misery rotting me from the inside out. I can't even find it in me to practice basic hygiene anymore because I spend most of the time just rotting in my bed not being able to muster up the energy to shower, brush my teeth or put deodorant on. I feel disgusting. I feel empty. I feel like a ghost of who I was. I miss who I used to be when I had him. I miss feeling like I mattered.

 

I quit vaping a while ago but lately I've been tearing through a vape in two days without even thinking. My doctor told me I shouldn't be doing this but honestly I don't care. I don't care what happens to my body. I don't care if it destroys my lungs. I don't care about my health because there's nothing left for me to protect. I've been drinking like crazy almost every night, blacking out just to stop thinking for a few hours and now I'm having these seizures I've never felt before, shaking so hard I can't control my body and still choosing to pour another drink the next night because the only thing scarier than the seizures is the clarity that comes when I'm sober.

 

I've started thinking about how easy it would be to just not wake up again. I've read that suffocation via helium tanks is one of the most painless ways to go and each day I'm getting closer to doing it because I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to keep living like this. It doesn't feel like living. It feels like punishment. Everything feels so painful and every hour without him feels like another reminder that I'm disposable and that he doesn't care about me or miss me the way I do about him.

If anyone out there has felt this level of hollow and still managed to find a way through it, I'd give anything to know how, because right now I'm drowning and it feels like no one sees it. I miss him so much I don't know what to do with it. I miss the way he made me feel human and now I just feel like a shadow.

Edited June 9, 20251 yr by YourFavoriteWeapon

 

I just walked into my apartment to find out my roommate robbed me. The craziest part to me is that I needed to take my car to the mechanic and my roommate went ahead and fixed it and took off with the rest of my stolen possessions

My trust issues now are at an all time high and I'm at the point where I'd rather live like a hermit 

I think I'm going to end things very soon

Gelp me

I don't care if it's my birthday I'm going to die before midnight 

10 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I don't care if it's my birthday I'm going to die before midnight 

Please do not do this. PM me. 

11 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I don't care if it's my birthday I'm going to die before midnight 

Trust me, i know it's dark and everything feels hopeless right now, but if you need someone to talk to, dm me! 

 

You are not alone. Even if you don't want to talk about it, feel free to reach out just for company 

7 hours ago, Ryan said:

Please do not do this. PM me. 

 

6 hours ago, Johnny Jacobs said:

Trust me, i know it's dark and everything feels hopeless right now, but if you need someone to talk to, dm me! 

 

You are not alone. Even if you don't want to talk about it, feel free to reach out just for company 

I feel somewhat better after calming down and sleeping last night, thank you guys and sorry if I scared either of you.

9 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

 

I feel somewhat better after calming down and sleeping last night, thank you guys and sorry if I scared either of you.

i'm glad u are here my la boo boo 

16 minutes ago, RideOrDie said:

i'm glad u are here my la boo boo 

I love you now DM me back

19 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I don't care if it's my birthday I'm going to die before midnight 

Sorry for the late reply, I'm glad to see you're feeling better now. You can DM me anytime you want 

32 minutes ago, Dear Reader said:

Sorry for the late reply, I'm glad to see you're feeling better now. You can DM me anytime you want 

Thank you

2 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

 

I feel somewhat better after calming down and sleeping last night, thank you guys and sorry if I scared either of you.

The offer still stand. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. 

4 minutes ago, Johnny Jacobs said:

The offer still stand. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. 

Thank you

22 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I don't care if it's my birthday I'm going to die before midnight 

i know i'm late but don't disappear! your lights.gif pfp brightens up my atrl depression scrolls

4 minutes ago, motherpills said:

i know i'm late but don't disappear! your lights.gif pfp brightens up my atrl depression scrolls

Thank you this is so heartwarming omg

feel better @YourFavoriteWeapon, if you need someone to vent/talk, just DM me x 

38 minutes ago, Maroonx said:

feel better @YourFavoriteWeapon, if you need someone to vent/talk, just DM me x 

Thank you so much x  I really appreciate you

I hate everything

dgmw i'm very thankful my best friend/roommate and his mom wanted me to come on vacation with them but I honestly am so ready to just be back in Colorado now. it's only wednesday and we return home on sunday but my GOD I just get so exhausted and moody and it's nothing personal for most of the people I'm currently around but I really just don't want to be bothered by so much perkiness every second. why am I on my second vacation? why'd I agree to this? his brother is so f*cking annoying and I genuinely cannot stand his ass partially cause he hasn't worked a single day in his life and he's so freaking pleased with himself. honestly I started writing this before my shower so now that I've showered and shaved I don't feel as bad about it but I do hope the rest of this week flies by 

How do you deal with people constantly trying to make you feel as lesser than others and make you feel that everything you do is useless?