For those of you that don't know I'm one of the few straight ATRLers left standing. I stood strong and I think I represented my community well. But much like Katy Perry's career, all things come to an end and ATRL is losing an ally. These past few years I've had to come to terms with the fact that I unfortunately find men attractive as well and I've found that the longer I've accepted it the more it's prevented me from being fulfilled in dating because there's always this "what-if" in the back of my mind. It's made me feel like I'm lying to women and leading them on which inevitably sabotages any chance of me being able to build anything. I've only dated and been with women and in the past it was fine because I was so deeply in denial that I really didn't think about it much. But for some reason these past two years it's become such a roadblock for me when it comes to dating especially as I'm nearing the end of my 20s. I think my biggest hurdle is that I know some women won't be okay with that and while I'm fine with people's preferences, and rejection in general, it's mostly just a shame thing that's been hard for me to get over. I've also seen in real time the way women will almost immediately code-switch with men who aren't 100% straight and it comes across sort of condescending even if that's not their intention.

A few months ago a guy reached out to me on Instagram (I guess he saw a post of mine on his feed? Idk how he found me tbh) and we started talking about just normal stuff. Super friendly guy. It was basically a normal bro conversation until he said something kinda flirty that caught me off guard. Would not have guess at all he was into me, or any guy really. This year one of my resolution's was to be more myself and stop living so much in shame regarding my preferences so I engaged back. We ended up Facetiming probably 4-7 hours a day (that he would initiate) and it felt like were in a long distance thing, until he started freaking out about being bi, meeting me, his family, and blah blah blah just because I expressed interest in flying him out to meet me (even though he said he wanted to multiple times). I understood his perspective despite his love-bombing but whatever, we're just kinda homies now. Very strange situation overall that made me realize just how deep men are in their own mental prisons (myself included), but good learning experience I guess.

From that situation though it did make me realize I'm capable of having an emotional connection with a guy instead of thinking it was solely a physical thing. This freaked me out and made me re-evaluate a lot of things. So at this point in my life I feel like I should give dating a shot and see how it goes. Only told one of my best friends who happens to be gay about this revelation and it caused a mini-breakdown for him for like two days because apparently he used to have a major crush on me and just never thought in a million years I'd swing both ways. It caused him to overanalyze a lot of things. But I made it clear that his feelings are valid, I don't feel weird about it, and we had an amazing deep conversation that bonded us very deeply, hugged it out, and we're all good now. It just feels really cool to be able to have no secrets for once. With that said, I've reluctantly decided to man up and enter this new chapter. And what better place to ask for advice on this incredibly raw and vulnerable topic that the most accepting and kind community of ATRL

For anyone that's still reading this **** and in a similar position as me, dates both effortlessly, or is just fully into men: how do you go about meeting/dating guys in like a meaningful way? I haven't been on apps since college and have met most of the people I've dated out at bars, parties, etc. I've never had issues approaching women but I have no clue how to go about things with guys. I dowloaded Hinge and tbh it's extremely overwhelming so far so any suggestions would be great

And no I won't be going on Grindr, please be serious

as long as you're not

then you'll be okay.

Literally thought this was gonna be a thread

15 minutes ago, bad guy said:

A few months ago a guy reached out to me on Instagram (I guess he saw a post of mine on his feed? Idk how he found me tbh) and we started talking about just normal stuff

This is normal btw. ig is the new grindr. grindr is the new sniffies. sniffies is for ugly people to flash you and gauge if you're desperate for a quick nut enough to h00k up.

I'm bisexual but also like you only dated women in my 20s.

In my experience it was much easier dating women, these days is equally challenging, the problem with men is that most want sex and don't offer anything deeper, while women want something deeper but it feels heavier, they want you to do too much and don't offer the same energy most of the time, like some literally feel too entitled.

Some gays feel extremely insecure when you tell them you're bi, like some women do too. But there are a lot of women who are more open minded and don't mind you having a crush on other men in the past

So honestly just find the right person.

The advantage of being bisexual is that you have a much bigger dating pool than anyone in the planet just have to filter out the insane ones in both sides.

This is just my experience

I don't have any meaningful advice, sorry. But can I just say men and women who don't date bi people are the weirdest thing ever for me. If a guy I'm dating told me he's bi I'd be like "alright" and just move on, like what is there to get scared or concerned about?

don't x

My honest opinion on dating bi men is I worry that I'm a stopgap or a bit of fun until they meet their wife, because ultimately they want a traditional family with 2.4 children. Now this obviously doesn't apply to all bi men, but I think displaying a level of emotional availability and awareness of queer culture will put a lot of gay men more at ease.

Anyway with dating, avoid grindr and sniffies and any kind of hookup app if you're looking for meaningful connections. Most "straight" dating apps are still a good way of meeting gay/bi men who want something a bit more serious. Also there's more and more in person dating events now, especially if you live in a big city. They can be a bit awkward at first but it's a nice way to get to meet people face to face without any of the app back and forth nonsense.

I am actually gagged at this revelation tho, which straight user will come out next? @Devin @Armani.

Congrats on your bi awakening! I don't really have any specific advice other than to just take each interaction as it comes and have fun with it. I'm sure you'll become more comfortable with approaching men over time, just try not to overthink it and follow the vibe. Go live your best bisexual life

Bi king I don't have great advice but I just wanna say welcome, happy for you, etc. Biphobia is real but you'll find your person, bi girls tend to be way more understanding about that tbh. If you're better meeting people in person then maybe try to make more friends who are gay/bi. Try tagging along with your gay friend and his friends & hang in spaces where you will meet more gays, make new friends, and potentially make a connection.

A lot of men seem to find each other on apps though. I think Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble are the main ones for dating.

Don't.

I am not bi, but a close friend of mine is and he recently spent the last few years exploring his attraction to men. He is not one to hook up and prefers connecting with someone first before anything physical happens, and despite this tendency, places like Grindr, Bumble, etc. were great resources to make new connections of varying degrees of intensity. As the months progressed and his circle of gays grew, he got introduced to more people via friends of friends and began meeting people more organically. One thing that helped him was being VERY upfront about his identity, intentions, and relationship status (he's engaged to a woman; the story is long and the details are unimportant to the point I'm trying to make). He's had an amazing time overall.

I don't know if I really have any particular advice beyond sharing this experience, so do with it what you will

As one of ATRL's Rare.mp3 bi guys I think dating men is better tbh

if you managed to meet all your past girlfriends in person, why start with apps now?

my suggestion, if you feel ready for it, is to join a lgbt sports league/club in your area. running, cycling, soccer... or board game meetups. any event where the idea is not to date

Trust me, don't.

you in danger girl

The MJ Gif in the middle of this serious ass revelation is sending me You've always been one of the funniest users you'll always have that no matter what happens next

6 hours ago, Sheep said:

This is normal btw. ig is the new grindr. grindr is the new sniffies. sniffies is for ugly people to flash you and gauge if you're desperate for a quick nut enough to h00k up.

The way I saw that he's mutuals with someone I matched with on Hinge despite living on the opposite side of the country and telling me he's never been on apps when we were getting to know each other. Is this what it feels like for a girl.mp3?

6 hours ago, Bussea said:

don't x

I need to have a male experience at least once before I die but I saw these responses coming

6 hours ago, glitch said:

My honest opinion on dating bi men is I worry that I'm a stopgap or a bit of fun until they meet their wife, because ultimately they want a traditional family with 2.4 children. Now this obviously doesn't apply to all bi men, but I think displaying a level of emotional availability and awareness of queer culture will put a lot of gay men more at ease.

Anyway with dating, avoid grindr and sniffies and any kind of hookup app if you're looking for meaningful connections. Most "straight" dating apps are still a good way of meeting gay/bi men who want something a bit more serious. Also there's more and more in person dating events now, especially if you live in a big city. They can be a bit awkward at first but it's a nice way to get to meet people face to face without any of the app back and forth nonsense.

Yeah your opinion is valid. Lowkey so many bi guys behave this way, and I think it's because they either don't feel emotional connection to men or they feel ashamed that they do and just run back to women. Maybe that's generalizing but I've seen it myself with girl friends of mine. I'm not naïve and know that most I'll probably need to experiment a bit before I feel comfortable enough pursuing a real relationship (with anyone) so I don't mind apps it's just a lot. I'll play it by ear. I do live in a major city and could go to gay bars but baby steps

6 hours ago, glitch said:

I am actually gagged at this revelation tho, which straight user will come out next? @Devin @Armani.

Has @Devin not been my secret bi brother this whole time?

4 hours ago, Pikachoo said:

if you managed to meet all your past girlfriends in person, why start with apps now?

my suggestion, if you feel ready for it, is to join a lgbt sports league/club in your area. running, cycling, soccer... or board game meetups. any event where the idea is not to date

I've used apps for hookups in college and a few did end up being situationships so I thought it'd be easy to kinda start there. I do run and there's a huge beach run club that I know has non-straight men so yeah I could do that. I have been approached by guys at the gym but they haven't been my type so maybe if I feel comfortable enough I'll chat people up

6 hours ago, wish said:

Bi king I don't have great advice but I just wanna say welcome, happy for you, etc. Biphobia is real but you'll find your person, bi girls tend to be way more understanding about that tbh. If you're better meeting people in person then maybe try to make more friends who are gay/bi. Try tagging along with your gay friend and his friends & hang in spaces where you will meet more gays, make new friends, and potentially make a connection.

A lot of men seem to find each other on apps though. I think Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble are the main ones for dating.

Thank you Hillbillie king My gay friend is kinda new to the scene as well, he only came out his last year of college like 3 years ago after hitting a breaking point living a lie. I think he still battles similar roadblocks to me but he's at least tried things and put himself out there. But we have talked about going to gay bars and just seeing the vibes so that'd be kinda fun. I think once I get a better sense of identity it won't feel as weird as it does

5 hours ago, Goaty said:

He is not one to hook up and prefers connecting with someone first before anything physical happens, and despite this tendency, places like Grindr, Bumble, etc. were great resources to make new connections of varying degrees of intensity. As the months progressed and his circle of gays grew, he got introduced to more people via friends of friends and began meeting people more organically. One thing that helped him was being VERY upfront about his identity, intentions, and relationship status

I'm fine with hookups but I don't really seek them out anymore. I'm similar to your friend where there needs to be some sort of connection even if it's just a spark from a quick conversation. I kinda hate the idea of having to "come out" to people all of the time though I like the idea of just living my life and not having to explain anything about who I choose to sleep with and date, but I do also see the value in saying it to people especially if it gets into a serious thing.

But I've only told my friend and...ATRL so clearly I have work to do

Edited May 2May 2 by bad guy

The responses so far pushed me to tell my mom. It went great despite her being shocked. It's really real now But I feel much freer, thanks you guys.

Time to eat those men for lunch

I'll always stand by the fact that it's easier to hit things off meeting someone IRL rather than on a dating app, especially if emotional connection is a must for a relationship! I would suggest going to gay clubs / sport clubs / concerts etc. and if you're lucky, just be approached or approach people who you think would share ur same vibe + common interests and see where things go from there. The dating apps never really seemed to go anywhere from me but I think that's also because they're filled with straggots in my area and that's not what I'm looking for in a partner lmao. Either way, I think it's important to start as friends when getting to know someone in a relationship and this is especially important in the gay scene when majority of people just want no strings attached situationships where they don't even know one another like that. As long as you make your intentions clear upfront, things will work themselves out and the right person will eventually come your way.

I just happened to come across this Substack article from a lesbian giving advice on how to use Hinge more effectively, maybe you can check it out (she's also a very funny writer):

https://open.substack.com/pub/viverricious/p/you-suck-at-dating-apps-because-youre-cb7?r=40obi&utm_medium=ios

Good luck