Hello guys,

I'm 32 years old and lived most of my life in a homophobic country (Nigeria), so 99% of my friends are straight. They're all in that phase of raising families now. We went from regular communication to everyone being busy with their partners and families. Even though we're all in the UK (we're all doctors and met in med school), these past few years have become increasingly lonely. Coming back from work to an empty apartment and having no one free to talk to or text is starting to take a toll.

I'm comfortable being single, but I used to have my friends, which made it easier. I've tried dating apps and gay bars to meet people, but it hasn't been successful. On the friendship side, most people already have their circles and aren't looking for new friends, or they say they're open to it but you eventually realise you're the only one putting in the effort. I've been in the UK for the past three years.

As for relationships, it's either people are down-low, or there are major compatibility issues, and I don't want to be in one just for the sake of it. I've also tried going to random activities in my city where people connect, but the significant cultural differences don't help either.

For guys who have been there, how did you handle it? The future is starting to feel bleak and unexciting. I don't really have anything to look forward to anymore. I'm not depressed though, just not great.

Edit:

Thank you very much for all your responses. Picked some of the advice and will try to work on them.

Edited December 12, 2025Dec 12 by chaklux

7 minutes ago, chaklux said:

On the friendship side, most people already have their circles and aren't looking for new friends, or they say they're open to it but you eventually realise you're the only one putting in the effort.

I have the same exact problem. Guys who also pretend they want a friendship but they only say it to sleep with you and then they ditch you

This is the life of a gay man I fear. Just have a lot of sex and do drugs to mask the loneliness.

Idk even as a single 33 year old single woman is hard

I've always had relationships but as soon as I hit 30 and went from size 8 to size 14 life has been tough, loneliness is unreal heck even guys don't even want to sleep with me (though I do have very high standards after toxic run of exes so maybe it's a good thing)

But it does get lonely and I wonder will I ever find my future husband? Or will I just be chasing 2 Korean men like all the other million of girls chasing the same idol

3 minutes ago, Mythical said:

This is the life of a gay man I fear. Just have a lot of sex and do drugs to mask the loneliness.

*the life of a man

get a dog/cat

Get yourself a sugar baby

Pick up a hobby tbh, or start traveling if you can afford it. Doesn't sound like you have anything typing you down anyways, and I bet you'll make new friends by doing either or of those options.

if all else fails…make friends at work..yuck! 🤢

I'm sorry you're dealing with that sister

Sounds corny, but even finding community on ATRL can be a small comfort. Like at least you have this outlet to ask these questions and share your feelings.

We have very different lived / life experiences so I don't know that I can offer the best advice , but if you're a decent person I would say just try to go out to queer spaces and put yourself out there. Go to a bar and talk to a stranger and just be straight up and say "hey you seem interesting , I'm looking for new friends" .. one benefit of getting older, I've found, is with every year I truly care less and less what people think of me. When I've tried that approach (particularly when I lived in nyc) , sometimes it led to awkward experiences or people that weren't really interested in talking to me more than 5 minutes , but every now and then I'd end up talking with someone who became a new friend ! And in particular, if you have specific interests like video games, drag, etc certain clubs and bars will have themed nights where you're more likely to run into likeminded people. Again you're inevitably going to run into some rejection and awkwardness in doing all that , but you really have nothing to lose by just being forward and putting yourself out there. And it could lead you to finding new friends or a partner !

Worst thing you could do is resign yourself to loneliness. Everyone's tribe is out there, you just have to be diligent about find and cultivating it. And if you have the discipline to do medical school, I think you could apply that same determination to finding new people to add to your life. Don't give up !!

I'm also dealing with this currently.

all my friends and family are at the other side of the country, I lost my long term job at the start of last year and have worked remotely since an then my 9 year relationship ended.

So this week I've accepted a new role that is hybrid even though the benefits are worse.

I guess just try to make manageable lifestyle choices that can put you out there? It's so much easier said than done though.

I live in the UK too and it feels so isolating as a young gay adult. No spaces to make new connections, outside of going on a night out (even that isn't great as most people are with friends already).

Do you live outside of London? Because that makes things even harder tbh.

where do u live im in west yorkshire we can bump purses im lonely too !

Join a club. It could be a running, board game or whatever. The consistency is the key in a relationship, you cannot build a friendship if you see them once in a month. You can try volunteering too, I am sure there are younger Nigerian gays who can use a role model like you.

We have to get used to be lonely, Specially when we are from another country. At least I have found good friends at my work. I recommend joining a dance class, or something related to a hobby, you should be able to find people that have your interests. But it's hard.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely sis. I think it might be helpful to try more social activities such as going to courses (dance, theater, etc what interests you), playing board games (there a lot of people even in small cities who look for other people to play board games or TTRPG), working out together, etc. I find it easier to make friends in bigger social events rather than approaching one person. Being there because you have common interests is already an ice breaker, from then on, you just find people who you click with. But it does take time sis, so, in the mean time you can become a "regular" at a nice cafe near your place or a nice bar/pub, which might make you friends with some of the staff working at those places.

And in the mean time, Lady Gaga base is always open for new people!

lavender marriage

I've heard from numerous people that joining adult sports leagues is a great way to make new friends. Is this something you would consider or enjoy?

5 hours ago, Hyune said:

Idk even as a single 33 year old single woman is hard

I've always had relationships but as soon as I hit 30 and went from size 8 to size 14 life has been tough, loneliness is unreal heck even guys don't even want to sleep with me (though I do have very high standards after toxic run of exes so maybe it's a good thing)

But it does get lonely and I wonder will I ever find my future husband? Or will I just be chasing 2 Korean men like all the other million of girls chasing the same idol

There are women on ATRL ?

Edited December 11, 2025Dec 11 by ugo

You have to do things with people not just hang out...

5 minutes ago, ugo said:

There are women in ATRL ?

There are much more than you might think yes!

-

Hey hun, I'm sorry to hear this… and it's something I think I've experienced in the past too. Truth be told the life of a gay person is often quite lonely… especially if you don't live in a city… and/or if you're single which a significant amount of us are.

I've not tried it but there is an app called Collective which encourages plutonic gay friendships. Honestly, plutonic same-sex friendships sort of became my life line and those connections have been the most stable and consistent ones I've been able to foster for myself… might be worth exploring?

That's why you need queer friends sis. I'm 29 and 3/4 best friends are queer and the one that is not has a lot of queer friends as well. We always have time for each other and do stuff together, and I have friends outside of my core base as well

See if you can join queer interest groups in your area

I've literally just moved to London like 1.5 weeks ago, know a few random people dotted around and am proactively reaching out to them. Basically you have to have fight for a damn social life. I'm talking messaging my best friend's brother's girlfriend's brother and partner. I'm talking DL guy I slept with 2 years ago. I'm talking guy I met in Japan and hung out with one day in 2017.

Maybe you don't even have these sort of loose contacts but I remember this idea I read about "repotting" friendships. Basically we form friendships/relationships with people and they get stuck in a "pot" in our mind. Like maybe it's a casual friend we just occasionally see for coffee, or maybe we always do board games with them, or maybe someone you casually chat with at the gym. There's nothing stopping you from "repotting" these people and suggesting something completely else entirely.

If all else fails, invite people around for dinner. Cook them a simple meal. Share a glass of wine. Break down the boundaries.

It is absolutely hard work to form friendships but UK has literally millions of people coming and going at all times, there's A LOT going on. Imagine living in New Zealand where I'm from, an isolated little pair of islands three hours flight away from our closest neighbors (Aus). UK is positively exploding with activity and people in comparison.

5 hours ago, qurl said:

even finding community on ATRL can be a small comfort. Like at least you have this outlet to ask these questions and share your feelings.

I've been doxxed on here, had my socials invaded, 10+-year old posts dug up, screenshots posted on this forum, discord convos devoted to spreading rumours and lies about me. I certainly wouldn't be sharing anything too personal on here. There's some deeply damaged gays roaming about here desperate to rip someone else apart.

Most people can't accept this because of their beliefs, but forming good and lasting relationships is much more of a spiritual process than most are willing to accept, and that is why so many are lonely (you can see it in this thread too), or even if they do get some attention, it will be a "friend" who just uses you or sleeps with you once then quits, or it's a non-reciprocal relationship.

The way to have a good social life does not start with you going to clubs or being more proactive in connecting with your co-workers. The true efficient way to get it is to first fix the feelings of isolation, alienation, loneliness that you have, and once you did then, (and only then) start to practice feelings of being noticed, being liked, being adored, being in demand, being attractive, being charismatic etc. How do I feel when I am adored? What does that feel like? What does that remind me of?

You have to practice feeling that way, before you have a person sitting next to you. And when you did that consistently, meaning at least for 15 minutes for 30 days in a row, then. You will be more charismatic, attractive, and you will organically form satisfying connections.

Doing this is soooo easy. And it works. The sad thing is, if you tell people this they will just think you are f-ing crazy.

Edited December 11, 2025Dec 11 by Europe