lol I'm bored so give me your objective opinion (this is a hypothetical of course).

Say you're a gay man who met a man on a dating app. You chat, he asks to talk over text. A few days later you go on your first date. It goes very well, your personalities seem to mesh. He asks you to keep hanging out after the date (he later tells you he had another date lined up that evening but he cancelled it to keep hanging with you). The vibes are high physical chemistry and it feels calm and safe and your anxiety isn't activated.

The next few days he wants to keep seeing you. Then after day 3, you playfully voice the need to stick to healthy boundaries around bedtime (you struggle with sleep and he was staying quite late on work nights). He respects this and himself texts the next day after a late night up together stating it's best we see each other mostly just on the weekends to start so we can both prioritize work/school. You recognize this is his needs aligning with yours but you're lowkey annoyed because he seems to be doubling down extra hard.

It's been only 2 weeks and things feel less rushed and exciting and more stable (boring?). You had sex for the first time after a week and it was very good. Afterward, he hung out with you and cuddled for a few hours then he left.

He called you every night this week just to chat a bit but there isn't much chatting. He's mellow and likes to just sit in silence a lot on the phone, while you both do your own thing. You're expressive and think reciprocal conversation at this stage is paramount (isn't the whole point to get to know each other?). You playfully bring this up to him. He understands and tries to ask questions but it's like it doesn't come naturally to him. Then he asks to see you Friday night. You've met his female roommate twice now which feels sort of important. The second hangout with you and his roommate is nice enough but again, he just sits there crochet'ing instead of trying to bridge the gap between you and his friend, lol. You aren't yet ready to have him meet your friends as you're not officially dating but this feels sweet to you.

He also asks you to hang out on Valentine's Day. He comes over and brings you flowers, another treat that references a previous conversation, and a toy for your dog. He also brought you two items he saw while thrifting that made him think of you. This is so sweet and makes you quite happy. An hour and a half into hanging out, on a walk, he says his new female friend from college got back to him and he's gonna go hang with her for a bit because they weren't sure if they'd have plans. He says he'll come back at 7pm. You're cool with this but then later wonder if he's actually with another guy (it wouldn't matter since we're not even dating but him leaving mid hangout felt… interesting).

He reaches out at 7pm as he stated to return but you're now with your friend doing something you wanted to do. He comes over around 8:30pm. You basically sit in silence and touch each other lol. You don't attempt to initiate much conversation anymore because you always do and you've communicated a need for more reciprocal conversation. You have sex again. It's good, whatever. Then after he says he'll probably go home and not spend the night (this is best for you sleep wise but also makes you wonder cuz last week he eluded to spending the night this weekend). He still stays and hangs for a few hours, then leaves and is affectionate when he does.

SUMMARY:

This man is very mellow. You're very expressive. You feel safe and calm with him but also possibly under stimulated and… bored. You thrive on deep or at least curious conversation and he seems to be oddly comfortable just adjacently existing. He bought you gifts for Valentine's Day and is attentive but he also isn't holding up conversation even after you expressed that being important to you.

Do you expect this could ever work or do things feel incompatible? Or are you being a judgmental little **** whose overthinking things way too early on?

Edited February 15Feb 15 by CottageHore

Sounds like my bf and me.

We were together for 2.5 years before we moved in and we only saw each other on the weekends because he was working nightshifts all the other days. We've been together for almost 8 years now.

He is much more down to Earth than I am and I've never asked him to jump out of his pants in order to change.

Edited February 15Feb 15 by Ribbit

You are making up all the issues and you need therapy

I mean if you are still having a good time with him and you're actually interested in making things work, just talk to him again about how you feel and see how he reacts

This is what ChatGPT said: TDLR: NO

___

Short version:
You're not wrong or judgmental, but the mismatch is real, and it's already showing up in the ways that actually matter long-term.

Why the answer is "no":

1. Core stimulation mismatch (this is the big one).
   You're an expressive, relational processor. You bond through curiosity, back-and-forth, emotional and intellectual engagement.
   He's an adjacent-presence person. He bonds through proximity, touch, routine, and quiet coexistence.

   That difference doesn't disappear with time. If anything, it becomes louder once the novelty wears off. What feels "calm and safe" now will likely feel "lonely while partnered" later.

2. You've already communicated a key need—and it's still not landing.
   You did the healthy thing early: you named that reciprocal conversation matters to you.
   He tries, but it doesn't come naturally. That's important. It means:

   • He's not withholding

   • He's not being careless

   • He simply doesn't operate there

   Relationships don't thrive on someone constantly doing something that feels unnatural to them.

3. His affection is real—but it's expressed in a language that doesn't feed you.
   Gifts, consistency, showing up, respecting boundaries, cuddling—he's genuinely attentive.
   But attention without engagement feels hollow to someone like you. You're already pulling back conversationally to protect yourself, which is a very early warning sign.

4. The boredom you're feeling isn't circumstantial—it's structural.
   This isn't a "things slowed down after the honeymoon" boredom.
   This is:

   • Silence where you want curiosity

   • Parallel existence where you want shared meaning

   • Physical closeness without mental intimacy

   That doesn't magically turn into depth later. Depth usually shows up early or not at all.

5. You feel safe—but not met.
   Safety is necessary.
   It is not sufficient.

   You can feel calm with someone and still feel unseen, unstimulated, or emotionally alone. That's the category this is drifting toward.

What this is NOT:

• You're not overthinking

• You're not expecting too much

• You're not sabotaging something good

You're noticing, early, that the way you connect and the way he connects don't align.

If you kept dating, what would likely happen?
You'd either:

• Shrink your needs and feel quietly dissatisfied, or

• Keep asking for engagement and feel like you're "too much," even though you're not

Neither is a great outcome.

Bottom line:
This is one of those situations where both people are good, kind, emotionally decent—and still not compatible. Catching that at two weeks is actually emotionally intelligent, not neurotic.

If you want, I can also help you figure out:

• whether there's any version of this that could work with clear expectations, or

• how to gracefully disengage without burning the bridge or second-guessing yourself

Just say the word.

3 minutes ago, Ribbit said:

Sounds like my bf and me.

We were together for 2.5 years before we moved in and we only saw each other on the weekends because he was working nightshifts all the other days. We've been together for almost 8 years now.

He is much more down to Earth than I am and I've never asked him to jump out of his pants in order to change.

Was/is he quite minima in verbal conversation? And was this noticed early on cuz I'm like, there's only one way to truly know each other better… we gotta actually talk more.

6 minutes ago, makeme said:

This is what ChatGPT said: TDLR: NO

___

Short version:
You're not wrong or judgmental, but the mismatch is real, and it's already showing up in the ways that actually matter long-term.

Why the answer is "no":

1. Core stimulation mismatch (this is the big one).
   You're an expressive, relational processor. You bond through curiosity, back-and-forth, emotional and intellectual engagement.
   He's an adjacent-presence person. He bonds through proximity, touch, routine, and quiet coexistence.

   That difference doesn't disappear with time. If anything, it becomes louder once the novelty wears off. What feels "calm and safe" now will likely feel "lonely while partnered" later.

2. You've already communicated a key need—and it's still not landing.
   You did the healthy thing early: you named that reciprocal conversation matters to you.
   He tries, but it doesn't come naturally. That's important. It means:

   • He's not withholding

   • He's not being careless

   • He simply doesn't operate there

   Relationships don't thrive on someone constantly doing something that feels unnatural to them.

3. His affection is real—but it's expressed in a language that doesn't feed you.
   Gifts, consistency, showing up, respecting boundaries, cuddling—he's genuinely attentive.
   But attention without engagement feels hollow to someone like you. You're already pulling back conversationally to protect yourself, which is a very early warning sign.

4. The boredom you're feeling isn't circumstantial—it's structural.
   This isn't a "things slowed down after the honeymoon" boredom.
   This is:

   • Silence where you want curiosity

   • Parallel existence where you want shared meaning

   • Physical closeness without mental intimacy

   That doesn't magically turn into depth later. Depth usually shows up early or not at all.

5. You feel safe—but not met.
   Safety is necessary.
   It is not sufficient.

   You can feel calm with someone and still feel unseen, unstimulated, or emotionally alone. That's the category this is drifting toward.

What this is NOT:

• You're not overthinking

• You're not expecting too much

• You're not sabotaging something good

You're noticing, early, that the way you connect and the way he connects don't align.

If you kept dating, what would likely happen?
You'd either:

• Shrink your needs and feel quietly dissatisfied, or

• Keep asking for engagement and feel like you're "too much," even though you're not

Neither is a great outcome.

Bottom line:
This is one of those situations where both people are good, kind, emotionally decent—and still not compatible. Catching that at two weeks is actually emotionally intelligent, not neurotic.

If you want, I can also help you figure out:

• whether there's any version of this that could work with clear expectations, or

• how to gracefully disengage without burning the bridge or second-guessing yourself

Just say the word.

Don't you think the OP could have done this by himself?

1 minute ago, Toxic Love said:

Don't you think the OP could have done this by himself?

Easily.

Just now, CottageHore said:

Was/is he quite minima in verbal conversation? And was this noticed early on cuz I'm like, there's only one way to truly know each other better… we gotta actually talk more.

Definitely less than me and especially with texting. He writes one long message with the most important things and nothing extra. But he was always interested and invested in me and vice versa.

1 minute ago, Toxic Love said:

Don't you think the OP could have done this by himself?

I did and it told me the same thing ope, just a little more "it could work but will require acceptance of differences".

1 minute ago, makeme said:

Easily.

We can't ALL drain our oceans babe but thanks for the effort

communication is key even when you need to communicate about someone else's lack of communication

16 minutes ago, CottageHore said:

likes to just sit in silence a lot on the phone, while you both do your own thing

Serial killer behaviour

At some point these kind of situationships get really exhausting and you learn to just communicate that you like THIS, THIS and THAT. No faff. You need to be open aka communicate that you want further emotional intimacy

Sounds like my ex and me.

Almost exactly, really...

It felt good when it felt good, but overall I was personally often left confused in this kind of dynamic because I express my feelings very openly and whenever the other person is a bit more subdued, I feel a strong imbalance. It's not like it's malicious on their end, but for me personally this kind of dynamic felt very uneven. The longer we were together the more I felt like I was "pouring all the water" so to speak and he was just kinda there accepting it. Eventually we drifted away because he couldn't be bothered to communicate and I was too sick of trying to get to him by that point.

I hope this isn't the case with you, but I'm just talking from my own experience. I need someone to meet me on my level at all times

Edited February 15Feb 15 by psychodiva336

Just now, psychodiva336 said:

felt like I was "pouring all the water" so to speak and he was just kinda there accepting it.

these dynamics are so f'd up imo, because from experience it feels like it's headed somewhere good but the whole time the other person is actually unhappy / insecure etc. and not ready for commitment

Dare I say selfish for sure

Maybe you should tell him how you feel.

Edited February 15Feb 15 by Princess Aurora

3 minutes ago, Delusional said:

At some point these kind of situationships get really exhausting and you learn to just communicate that you like THIS, THIS and THAT. No faff. You need to be open aka communicate that you want further emotional intimacy

I have and he adjusts for a bit. I might be finding we're not naturally compatible in how we bond. But I'm also like, it's so early. I worry about communicating all this too soon and seeming overbearing when he's still just warming up.

2 minutes ago, Delusional said:

these dynamics are so f'd up imo, because from experience it feels like it's headed somewhere good but the whole time the other person is actually unhappy / insecure etc. and not ready for commitment

Dare I say selfish for sure

Yeah, exactly. And I feel they often like to market themselves as the opposite: ready for a relationship, secure, confident and whatnot. Expert level masking. I don't even know how to stay protected against this kind anymore...

Date him, get ready to enter your most delusional era in history, then release a folk album pretending your boyfriend contributed anything to it. Later on start being publicly annoyed that the man that you chose to date and who was boring to begin with, is in fact, and to the surprise of nobody, boring, and publicly mock his insecurities and mental health issues. Once you've had enough of the humiliation ritual, go one step further and delude yourself that after all of this, he will marry you. When he ultimately doesn't propose, cheat with the ugliest drug addict you can find, leave him and embark on the highest grossing tour of all time.

Sounds like you're not actually that interested in him and if you're already bored at this point then

52 minutes ago, CottageHore said:

He's mellow and likes to just sit in silence a lot on the phone, while you both do your own thing.

My dream man. Break up with him and send me his number

this sounds perfect to me idk

if it's really bothering you that much just tell him it's not working out and you want to be just friends + explore other options

22 minutes ago, Mr. Peanutbutter said:

My dream man. Break up with him and send me his number

We're not even officially dating babe, he's all yours

seems like the relationship would benefit more if you guys weren't essentially talking all the time, just probably text here to check in on each other, and save big conversations for in person. the constant calls with alot of silence gets annoying after awhile