Hi people of ATRL.

 

I (21M) have only recently begin to dip my toes into the dating world, and the past two months have seen me go on dates with dozens of people and hook up with dozens as well. I'm graduating from uni on Monday and going back home for my gap year on Wednesday to a country which is very conservative and homophobic, so I'm taking the time to have all the fun I can till I'm gone. I planned on deleting all the apps three weeks ago and did so successfully, but on Wednesday I decided to download them for one last time before I leave. This led to me meeting a someone for a hook up late last night. He was 30, a tall man with a very deep voice and piercing blue eyes. Very handsome and I could feel the chemistry from the get-go. He did not want to do any penetration which I was more than happy to oblige with, and so we made out and cuddled and did a lot of side stuff. He then asked to stay the night because he was too tired to take the train home and I was more than happy to oblige. We spent another hour cuddling and talking about life and our views and it was a really nice conversation, and then we went to sleep.

 

Twice in the night I dreamt about him leaving, and when I woke up to find him still sleeping peacefully next to me in a tight embrace, I felt elated. We then continued to do more things after he woke up, and what I really liked was his tender approach and his preference for intimacy over quick sex. Eventually the time came (pun intended) for him to leave, and we bid our goodbyes. Since he left, I've been feeling very empty and odd. I'm thinking about him a lot, and that happens every now and then with hook-ups but not to this extent. I am wondering if this is because I know I won't see him ever again. I mean it would've been pretty unlikely anyways as hook-ups on the apps are a one-time thing, but the fact that I'm graduating and leaving the country in 4 days has also had a big emotional impact on me in general and I've been thinking about that too.

 

Is it also just the fact that I'm so lonely otherwise that him leaving reminded me of that and made me regress to an emotionally vulnerable state again. Do you feel sad or lonely when you're seeing someone for a night and they leave? Is this a common feeling? Is it a hormonal feeling? How do you deal with this?

 

I'm listening to this song to contend with this feeling:

 

 

Yes but I also do when I dont hook up so whatever i just came to this planet to suffer so i might as well suck a dick too

Alexa play Body by Monet X Change

 

 

it probably means hooking up doesn't serve you and you're probably better off looking for deeper connections or true relationships rather than shallow hook upz

Yes which is why I stopped doing one off hook ups.

 

If I want something casual I prefer a friend with benefits instead, I need some kinda connection. 

Hookups are meant to be fleeting, not meaningful. If this keeps happening, casual sex might not be for you. Learn to compartmentalise, or reconsider what you really want. Lead them on if you have to, but never fall for them. Loneliness isn't an excuse, either learn to detach or stop wasting your time.

 

I was seeing this Puerto Rican guy as a FB so we would hook up twice a week at his place and the sex was incredible and I was really into him. We hooked up for over a year but our relationship was strictly just sex. Then out of the blue he stopped answering my texts and I'm just sad and confused but I should've known one day it will end. Maybe he got into a real relationship or something which is fine but it left me feeling bad that he ended things so abruptly and didn't just tell me upfront that we couldn't see each other anymore. 
 

it's better not to get attached to these men from these apps they will hurt your feelings 

That only happens when you're desperate for a relationship 

6 minutes ago, Loca said:

Yes but I also do when I dont hook up so whatever i just came to this planet to suffer so i might as well suck a dick too

 

 

I'm always sad, so it doesn't make a difference 

Sometimes, but that's because I know I'm sleeping with these people out of low self-esteem. Most of the time I'm not even attracted to them.

 

You gotta start dating, or at least sleep with people you actually like.

 

Edit: Never mind. It seems like you actually liked him. I have no advice then!

Edited July 12, 20251 yr by Lagerfeld

i think it's the level of intimacy that you probably weren't expecting from him and you feeling lonely which is what's making you feel down. i'd probably stray from casual sex and date more seriously since it seems like you crave emotional intimacy, which is more of a stable source of what you're looking for as opposed to hookups with random people 

I don't anymore, but I did when I was in college. And it did not happen with every guy, it happened only occasionally with men that I felt I had a deep connection with. Most of the time I just wanted some ass/dick but every now and then I'd hook up with a guy and we would click really well, which made it feel romantic as opposed to strictly sexual. And in those situations when they left, I'd wonder "why can't it be more than this?" But I think that fades as you get older and become more desensitized to the fact that for a lot of men, sex is just sex. And realistically, even when some hookups feel emotional, that doesn't necessarily mean that person would be right for you because you're only getting a small glimpse of who that dude is. For all you know he could be lame af as a bf but right now you're blinded by the little bit of intimacy he was able to provide, which made you feel special. You're only 21 and you have plenty of time for more experiences with other men, and you'll likely find something more stable when you least expect it. It'll be okay. 

 

Spoiler

Also, when I was 21 and in this situation, I would most certainly be dramatic af and smoking a joint right now while listening to Honeymoon, feeling like a character in a sad movie. 

 

When I first started hooking up as a teenager, I was obviously very young and pretty naïve so I would sometimes get a bit more attached/invested than I should have, especially if I thought I got on pretty well with the other guy and the time together didn't feel like it was just about doing the sexual stuff. It would always make me feel like **** if and when that wasn't reciprocated. I definitely remember having feelings like the one you're describing as having right now.

 

Now I only really feel a little sad after hookups if it didn't meet my expectations and felt like a waste of my time and energy. This has probably come from a combination of being in long-term relationships in the meantime, and learning to compartmentalise and recognise when a hookup is just a hookup, and once we're done and one of us leaves that's the chapter closed.

 

 

Everyone's different but usually, either you eventually reach a point where you're able to more easily have that separation in your mind, or you realise that this kind of thing (casual sex, hookups, fleeting encounters, and so on) just... maybe isn't for you. It's sometimes just a matter of trial and error.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

Usually when I have feelings for someone else and I'm just thinking how I wish it was them instead

Yes, it's a feeling typically associated with one night stands and can be made worse by the hangover effects of alcohol.

 

It sounds like you and he might have had something special though but are instead destined to only be ships in the night.

I think in your case it might also be that not only you are finishing uni, which is a big and most often scary step for everyone, but also you are going back to a conservative and homophobic country, which may trigger certain difficult emotions and thoughts (sadness, stress, safety concerns, etc.) to arise. While these two big events are happening, it might be easier for your mind to focus on one single and simpler thing (this guy) as a sort of defense mechanism. 

I used to. It's a combination of different things, past religious guilt, the gay community being very shallow and you not being a hookup person intrinsically 

 

After some years the novelty wore off and I found myself wanting more out of the sessions. Sex didn't bring me much pleasure anymore, that's when I realized and accepted that I wasn't part of hookup culture (and that's OK) 

I used to yeah  now nobody even wants to hook up with me so that's makes me feel even more alone and sad

 

How times have changed

No. I'm already looking for the next one tbh 

Yes, after a date too. I just returned from the most chopped date and lowkey feel sad/lonely because I didn't have the final say in it 

When I bottomed more, I used to get sad after hook ups  

 

In the last year or so I've been topping more, and don't feel sad anymore. That is one correlation I've noticed. But I also thing it's an age thing. My young to mid 20s even up till maybe like 27/28, I would feel sad afterwards sometimes, but yes definetly not anymore. I think it's because I am confident in being able to maintain friendships/relationships without feeling the need to get attached anymore. 
 

Im not a psychologist or anything, but just my two cents. 
 

There is nothing wrong with that, but like another user stated, it might mean you just aren't looking for that. 

Edited July 12, 20251 yr by LostInStereo100

No.

It's weird to say, but my experiences have left me feeling happier, calmer and more clear-headed

Maybe the looming return to a homophobic country has confounded that feeling for you. Is it not possible to find someone in your home country who is also gay and could be open to dating? Just because it's a homophobic country doesn't mean you have to spend your life feeling lonely. Always be careful and cautious though

Whenever I hook up it's because I already feel sad and lonely, so the little dopamine that comes from it actually helps a bit