im going to paint this in the most unbiased way possible , becaus i dont just want to be validated but rather hear a proper unbiased outsider perspective 

 

-match with a super hot and muscular guy on tinder 

-We get to talking and we both establish what we want , i invite him over to mine in a couple of days when he's free (he cant accom)

-this requires him to buy a £30 train ticket , we move the chat to insta and he asks me multiple times to confirm i want him over so he can pay for the ticket , i confirm and he pays for his ticket

-almost straight after (literally within 5 mins ) he sends me a live selfie w the caption 'just so theres no catfishing here's a pic of me rn !'   

-in the picture he's had a major glow-down compared to his photos . i can tell its the same guy but just with a lot more weight put on (he had told me prior he wasnt exercising now due to a shoulder in the jury that he had)

-we continue talking for a day or two but tbh i feel like ive just been cheated so naturally my brain is pulling me away and im not being as responsive as i was

-He messages tonight asking if i still want to meet tomorrow  

 

Background: i know what it's like to be overweight. Ive lost 100lbs in the past 9 months thanks to hard work and mounjaro

 

i know if i tell him the real reason ive backed away that it'll shatter every fibre of his self confidence so i tell him that i haven't been feeling a spark in any regard since we moved over to instagram and talked more  

 

-he starts telling me how he's wasted £30 on non refundable tickets and now i feel really bad  

-In my mind i debate offering to send him the £30 but at the same time im like .. surely he misled me and that's on him? but im open to being put straight on that one , jury's still out , that's where i need the opinion of the good and moral intellectuals that frequent ATRL

 

now for something maybe a bit unbiased : i suspect that him misleading me and only sending the photo of him currently was intentional , reason being is that i have BEEN fat and ugly and i would use the SAME tactic ! (never after confirming to meet tho , way before that point  ) so i get it .. but at the same time this has made me look back at me doing similar things and think abt how weird of me that was .

 

I think what im mainly juggling with is from his perspective he just thinks ive cost him £30 based on a seemingly random left-field  change in feelings .. but i cant exactly tell him the real reason bc that would break any normal man's self esteem . so ive got to accept that in his eyes im just a cruel person who cost him £30 i guess ? 

 

also im not sure if this entire post came across as shallow , im currently on a walk with the cows and it's freezing so i wrote this in a rush . if we were meeting for a date id 100% be open to him going through a glow-down phase .. we all have them (especially ATRL user @Smarticle ) .. but we knew this was going to be a hook-up where looks kind of just ARE the defining factor

 

leave your opinions below on if im a bad person and we will read through them and pick out the best comments ! 
 

i could be a devil or an angle …

 

also for those who helped me pick the name for my new kitten , in a previous thread , he's 10 weeks old now and i love him so much . he's called Gato   he's doing so well but he can be naughty 

not reading all that but yes 🖤

Next time I would ask for a live selfie before they book a train ticket  he's the one doing sneaky tactics..

yes, get help 

That was way too much for me to read but you aren't a bad person for not wanting to hook up with someone who doesn't look like their pictures. You wouldn't be mean either for politely telling him that (he probably needs to hear it from someone, and maybe it's better to hear it from you nicely than someone else rudely).
 

But I also know that hearing it would be a blow to his self-esteem - which is probably already low if he's using old pictures of himself back when he was fitter - so in this situation I usually go to do-no-harm route and say that I got sick or got diagnosed with an STD that needs to clear up or something like that, and then just ghost the next time he asks to meet up. 
 

edit: as far as the money, him sending you a selfie to verity knowing full well he doesn't look like his pics AFTER he spent the money is fully on him. And lowkey is giving scammer. However you decide to handle it, don't re-imburse him. 

Edited October 30, 2025Oct 30 by HeavyMetalAura

If you've gotta ask, well yes! 

You are not a bad person.  When presenting yourself online, it is imperative that you use recent photos (within the last 3-4 months) and normal lighting that is true to your current weight and skin appearance.  If you gained 100 pounds and suddenly developed cystic acne, it's unfair to post old photos from when you looked skinny and snatched.  I've had this experience before as well (where guys used 5-year-old photos or overly-aggressive Photoshop to make themselves look better than they really were).  When dealing with online dating, it's always a bit tricky, because nowadays it's so easy to misrepresent yourself online, both in terms of personality and image.  The fact that this guy presented a false image of himself to you, held off for a bit, bought the train ticket, then sent you a more authentic recent photo of himself shows more about him than about you.  If you still want to meet up with him, that's fine.  But he's already being dishonest from the get-go, which kind of kills the vibe, in my opinion.  Good luck on your date, and report back to your sistren here so we can cringe and ijbol at the story. 

Tbh I don't think anyone here is the "villain". Your feelings are valid and sometimes a spark can reallh die, but also i wouldn't say that the other guy was intentionally hiding his current looks in order to hook up with you — though if he did, then ew.

 

Although the 30£ being wasted is def a lil ehh, it's still kinda on him for sending his current appearance too late. I am sure that he's aware "glow-down" based off what i've read and he is an adult, so..yeah.

 

i wouldn't dwell on the situation for too long, but it's def really awkward.

My verdict — whatever entities live between hell and heaven idfk

Love the kitten's name though 

Why did I catch a stray in here

 

 

Ill read it later 

No you're not. Just move on

A bit shallow but I don't think you're a bad person. It's on him for using older pictures on his profile tbh 

Crying over £30...fat and poor pick a struggle

no hes the bad person, he lied to manufacture a situation where you would feel guilty enough to still hook up with him despite the weight gain

just grow up and be honest, it might be helpful for him to know what you actually think of his appearance. 

Send him £15 x

he sounds like the kind of guy who's going to lure you into situations where your guilt will be used to do whatever he wants

Edited October 30, 2025Oct 30 by Mr. Peanutbutter

14 minutes ago, glitch said:

Crying over £30...fat and poor pick a struggle

I wouldn't say you are a bad person for that. But yeah, if you don't want to feel like you wasted his £30let him come over to chill, chat, hangout in a friendly way?

You never know, maybe in person he doesn't look as "glowed down"??

 

But yeah, don't say anything to hurt his feelings. I guess it'll teach you for next time about making arrangements before seeing how they look, rn.

 

9 minutes ago, Janet said:

Send him £15 x

I thought this too 

Just get a bit drunk before and you won't notice the glow down 

I'm sorry but who is spending £30 on a train ticket for a hookup 

don't think you did anything wrong tbh 

 

but what radius was the sis using?! 30 euro ticket sounds insane 

10 minutes ago, naval23 said:

don't think you did anything wrong tbh 

 

but what radius was the sis using?! 30 euro ticket sounds insane 

£30 train in UK will get you like … 40 miles

 

our train prices are RIDICULOUS

why tf wouldn't u ask for a live selfie before ??? also u could just meet him and hang out no hooking up or anything since he already bought the ticket

1 hour ago, May said:

. we all have them (especially ATRL user @Smarticle ) ..

"Them" being Little Debbie's and chins (plural)

 

Just refund him his money and say you lost attraction bc his pics didn't match the live selfie and that you felt misled