I see why people choose to kill themselves.

I'm back into that physical state where my heart rate is at a constant 94 to 100+ heart beats per minute.

 

Summer 2023 was the best time of my life and I'm starting to feel like I wish it never happened because every time I get a high, it's followed by a low.

 

I wish I was never born 

ouuuuu It's been bad babes....

On 2/29/2024 at 1:09 PM, KFC said:

I can't concentrate, can't even bring myself to do the most simple tasks, I'm tired after every meal, I keep forgetting simple things. I'm really worried that something is seriously wrong with my brain  not sure who I can talk to about this since the NHS is beyond useless 

theres nothing wrong with your brain but sadly as depressed ppl we got a look behind the curtain of society

I'm in a huge period of future uncertainty, all self-induced, but WHAT am I doing with my life is a question that eternally haunts me.

Why am I still alive?

 

I cried a good 10 hours yesterday, for no reason

I also accidentally blocked my credit card and it’s too late to go to the bank to pick up a new one

🥳

money really is the answer to happiness sometimes, thank you @corporate for allowing me to treat myself while I work remotely from basically everywhere with so many of my expenses covered, including psychology and psychiatry sessions up to 6 times a month. they allowed me to take time off to get surgery for my cancer. told me I was welcome to join them back whenever I wanted. they got me Olivia Rodrigo tickets in Madrid.

 

like, okay?! come through. the company had huge layoffs while I was out, didn't fire me. they liked me for me and what I represent, that **** is crazy.

even my phone is giving me anxiety and i want to delete everything, i wanna isolate from everyone

I'm so tired of living

The way I was happier during the pandemic 2020-2021 years 

On 3/14/2024 at 6:51 PM, monologueNacafe said:

Why am I still alive?

 

Right? I'm so ******* tired just sitting here wondering when it's going to end

 

 

 

5 hours ago, KFC said:

Right? I'm so ******* tired just sitting here wondering when it's going to end

 

 

 

I'll probably be happy one day (finally) and then die. Just my luck.

 

I am once again taking Abilify (along with Lithium)...and tapering off another medication. I already can tell the difference. I have a little bit more energy. Abilify is the only thing that's actually helped some. But it's still not enough.

It's been a long ass while since I've posted here but I truly feel like this is going to be the end, sooner or later. 

 

I will rest easy knowing I did fight for a long time. I did a lot. 

I really really f*cking hate how I react to things sometimes. having grown up in a competitive environment with 4 overachieving older siblings and a jewish mother with strong values of nothing but excellence for her children, not to mention in probably the most competitive part of the country really (I'm originally from the DC area) has engrained so much trauma into me. I get so discouraged  as a musician. I feel like a goddamn failure and a hack a lot of the time. when I expressed this to my best friend earlier, his iconic ass reminded me that I've come pretty far actually, what with finally getting booked for shows every so often in the past year. at the same time, man, it's like… when will it be my turn? I hate it. I hate that it's THIS for me. I'm 27 and I feel just as jealous and sad and loser sometimes as I did even back when I was a lonely 15 year old! I'm gonna mention these things to my therapist next week but damn, it feels kind of good to let it out sometimes 

I have so much sh*t I need to do and it's all rooted in me not having a job at the moment. I need to get on that immediately. I need to finish recording songs for my EP. I need to promote myself! I need to either learn how to master my songs or have money and use it to pay someone on fiverr or some sh*t like that. I need! people! to! care! about my art!! I feel like I'm speaking into

nothingness sometimes lol. idk. maybe fixing my sleep schedule could help a bit too 🤪

I don't know... how to be happy. I don't know how to not dislike every part of myself at this moment. I'm not talented enough, I never do sh*t right. I've been ghosting one of my friends cause I want them out of my life and I've already written in my notes app several ways to let them down and actually give them some form of closure. my mom just yelled at me over facetime because I never picked up a package of winter clothing she sent me that got delivered here in march. she said it cost $44 and was a lot of effort on her part and I am so sorry that I did that and I apologized several times. when I... speak to her ever and she gets upset, my coping mechanism is to not give eye contact because she has this thousand yard stare that she's been so adept at ever since I was a kid and I get so insecure sometimes when she looks at me. I know there's a lot of trauma to unpack and I want to unpack it with my siblings but they tell me it's unfair to discuss it since my mother is helping me financially a lot until I get a job. I don't think those things need to intersect, I think it can be mutually exclusive. I can talk about how much pain she's caused me while still being grateful for financial support. but I don't think my siblings can compartmentalize like that. idk. it sucks

I'm so tired of being alive, just suffering and being miserable every day  

I don't know what to do anymore

Oufff ya girl is going through it. Im just over it. I've been going through it since I was 10 years old and I'm just tired. I ******* hate how we're "forced" to live this treacherous life otherwise severely impacting the lives of those surrounding us if choosing to not wanting to do so any longer. Urgh. Idk what to say or do anymore, girlies. I'm. Just. Tired.

Edited April 9, 20242 yr by Sun

Another failed talking stage. I just feel so hopeless that i will never find anyone who loves me. I dont have the energy to do anything. Every day just passes by and i just feel like I'm floating along. I just feel so so so lonely. 

almost chose sewerside yesterday