I never used to think about it until I was talking with a friend a couple years ago and he said "I stop reaching out to make plans if I'm the only one who does it" At first I thought it was a bit weird, because why not tell people you want to spend time with them when you do.

But then I realized with another friend group everyone straight up just stopped initiating, and as soon as they shut me down I decided I'd wait… and wait… until it became clear they had no interest or "time" to hang out anymore. Now it's something I think about often, whether or not I'm consistently keep friendships alive while others couldn't care less.

I bring this up now because I usually make plans with a friend every weekend, but I realized they haven't initiated in a while and they'd become distant from me at work. I thought I'd hold off and low and behold they've yet to reach out. Am I thinking too much about dynamics or is this something you think about also?

I've actually thought about this a lot too. The conclusion I've come to is more that we all have different roles to play, and people settle into their roles. Some people will never initiate a plan in their lives and will still go out and do things all the time. Others will always be the ones initiating. Neither of those are right or wrong and although it can imply something about how much a person cares, that's not necessarily the case. People are busy, with work, family etc. They may not be doing anything social unless they're invited to something. If the other person is always happy to see you then I don't think there's an issue.

Also the happy medium I've got to is sometimes I'll just ask if someone wants to meet up and let them pick the date/what we do, that way all I'm doing is sending a message rather than organising every time.

Edited August 22Aug 22 by glitch

Not really. I just initiate the plan most of the time and book the trip. I hate waiting on others to make a move. Too exhausting.

To me, yes. I had a very good friend once who I knew I would never really see again if I didn't make the next plan, and my suspicion was correct! Doesn't feel great, it's not fair, and people deserve better!

To an extent, yes. I definitely believe mutual friendships is more important in other areas—i.e. support, conversation, and financial responsibility—but making plans is definitely part of that. It's honestly making decisions; I can't be friends with someone who's constantly like "Whatever you want" and "I don't care". I surround myself with personalities and opinions, not people pleasers who build up regret and resentment in silence.

if the effort isnt reciprocal there's no reason to keep pushing it

I'm one of multiple people within my friend group that has a go-with-the-flow mentality, so it's usually the same one or two people initiating the plans; however, I do make an effort to take initiative. It ALWAYS falls flat. Whenever they hit me up to hangout, I'm there. When I hit them up, it's excuses, rejection, or they'll commit and then cancel later, which prolongs my go-with-the-flow mentality and makes me apprehensive to try again. So yes, I think it's important, but also, don't play with me.

Yeah, because if you're the only one making plans or starting everything it means there's lack of interest from the other person or you're just not priority for them to make plans or ask you out so yeah, it's important, the relationships have to be reciprocate.

I have had some run ins with friends before for constantly feeling like the only one initiating plans, I do think it can feel a little frustrating. What I will say is that now I'm a little older I care a lot less and truth be told I'm actually happy only sporadically seeing certain people so it is what it is. But it can definitely feel like you're being taken for granted a little if you're making plans with certain friends 100% of the time. It shows a lack of interest on their behalf.

I have no issues making plans but I will 100% start to notice quickly if it's one-sided and usually stop and see if it's reciprocated.

I'm just broke.