DELETE

Edited October 10, 2025Oct 10 by BelAir

Gurl…. One thing to remember is that if the person isn't available to date you then you need to love yourself more then get the **** far away given that you're already falling … fallinggggg ASAP. Waiting in line for your turn will only hurt you in the long run. Find someone else who is available and better find someone that LOVES you more than you love them! 

As someone who's been in a similar situation, cut him out of your life completely. And do not believe him when he says all the things you wanna hear. My ex told me he loved me and wanted me to be his boyfriend to get back to me for the third time, just to dumped me two weeks later so that he could have sex with strangers in Colombia 

You don't have an anxious attachment style, you just have an anxious attachment style with him.  Similarly, he doesn't have an avoidant attachment style, he just have an avoidant atachment style with you.  You can have an avoidant attachment style with someone else, and he can have an anxious attachment style with someone else.  

Whis is that you

10 minutes ago, olivethetree said:

As someone who's been in a similar situation, cut him out of your life completely. And do not believe him when he says all the things you wanna hear. My ex told me he loved me and wanted me to be his boyfriend to get back to me for the third time, just to dumped me two weeks later so that he could have sex with strangers in Colombia 

Literally **** all the cheating man i also had nearly the same experience you went through in a homophobic country and i still stalk him through my fake instagram yet he's still the same disgusting man nothing has changed i hope him the Worst.. 

Just by the size of your post I know you're already too deep into this guy to let him go no matter what people tell you. But no relationship can work if both parties are not willing to commit. Keep that in mind.

I think he is still just not over that relationship he was in before you and that you are kinda like his rebound to get over the other person. It happens to many people. What I would suggest is to just let it go sis. The quicker you do it the better. It's like thay saying when they say if you are in the wrong train, the longer you wait, the more you have to pay. This person simply doesn't want commitment now and you can't be his lifeline anytime he wants intimacy or some affection that you are on his speed dial. You deserve someone who is committed to you and sees a future. If he already says he fears  hurting you… take his word cause he probably will. 

Honestly I don't think it will work between you both, when someone tells you that they haven't gotten over their ex, believe them because it's truth and his insecurities get way too in your way for this to go anywhere but a heartbreak. Let him go, let him heal his wounds, don't try to heal him because that won't ever happen and please don't stay as friends since feelings are involved already, that will only make it worse.

 

As for your own insecurities, you've proven that you've managed to meet a guy you like, sure with his personal issues but it happened so you need to place yourself in the present and not worrying about if you'll ever meet someone better than him because you will anyways. Focus on yourself and in your mental health.

You're not there to fix his issues. He obviously needs therapy and you need to do what's best for you and find someone more stable or just enjoy being single.

 

I know it's hard to get over your first love and prolonging this relationship will only make it worse, so the sooner you start the better.

I think your anxiety is a lot more simple than his... you just want certainty of his commitment and potential love for you since he is taking so much of your time and energy.  

 

However, this man has problems.  Not just financial, but mental problems that go way beyond you or his inability to afford nice things.  He is deeply insecure, he seems very indecisive and doesn't know what he wants, and his affection for you is inconsistent.  

 

I would suggest two paths:

1. (Ideal) Require him to go to or continue seeing a therapist and make meaningful efforts to improve his issues with his insecurities and other mental problems.  Be friends (not anything more) for a bit to test if he genuinely cares about you as a person than a rebound, while also giving him the space to focus on himself and his therapy.  If he does not improve, then you should dump him for real and stop being friends.  If he improves and continues with therapy, you should talk about committing to one another seriously.

 

2. (More likely) Dump him, stop talking to him forever.  If he shows no signs of self improvement, you are never going to be satisfied with this "relationship".  You are wasting too much of your time on someone who does not appear willing to seriously and consistently commit to you.  The fact that you already love him and he still can't figure out if you're together is... bad.  His personal issues are the problem, not you. 

weather he has issues or not, you should always put yourself first. I've been in a similar situation and the best thing is to cut the person out of your life and move on. I found that people like that don't rly know what they want, and whenever they feel lonely they come crawling back to whomever is available to give them confort. If you keep giving in, you will just play with your emotions and get hurt even more.

 

Obv leave a door open, coz you never know tomorrow. BUT DON'T WAIT AROUND, live your life, meet new people, and remember that he is not the only guy out there, there are others.

12 questions 

 

It sounds like he's stressing you out because he's not dealing with his own issues. Even if you like each other and there are real emotions involved, that's not a healthy relationship dynamic. If your partner isn't consistently treating you right, it's likely a good idea to leave.

 

Since it sounds like the emotions run deep, no contact is probably the best way to move forward so both of you have the space to grow independent of worrying about each other's emotions. It'll be hard at first, but it's probably the best decision at this time.

You're a doormat… from the moment he said he didn't want a relationship you should've set your boundaries… but he's using you. 
 

You deserve a happy relationship. But until you believe that you're not going to be in one. It's all foolish when you look thru it 3rd person… what you are experiencing isn't love but mediocracy and two ppl that are ok with wasting each others time. 

Gurl leave him, he's not ready for a relationship and the more you pursue the more he'll pull away. When people show you who they are, believe them. 

He has given you every possible sign that this is never going to work out. Why are you even entertaining this? You need to end things permanently, he literally told you that he is going to hurt you!!! Jesus  

Remove him from your equation and make room for someone else. Make room for yourself and be free.

Quote

However, since day one he warned me that he isn't looking for anything serious as he hasn't gotten over his ex that cheated on him

Your first mistake was not listening to him when he clearly expressed his lack of serious interest.

 

3 hours ago, BelAir said:

i keep thinking about how i never felt anything towards any of the guys i ever dated

Oh! Sounds like karma got your ass  

He sounds like my ex who completely broke me down mentally, run.

3 hours ago, BelAir said:

considering my high standards and considering what i know the guys around me are like on those dating apps etc.

also elaborate 

DELETE

Edited November 23, 2025Nov 23 by BelAir