I'm in my late 20s, I seem to have an overall jadedness/bitterness towards socializing, whether it be through friendships or romantic relationships.

Context: My mom is a first generation Asian immigrant that moved to the US in the 2000/01. I was born in 99' and I grew up until the age of 9 with my aunt and uncle, while my mother worked, sent money to support me and my siblings back home, and went to college. I don't have much memories of talking to my mom back home.

Me and my sister reunited with her when I turned 9. She told her sister/my aunt she was ready to take care of us.

Moving to the US to live with her was living with a narcissist; she forbid us keeping contact with my then-alive father because of her memories towards the relationship, which wasn't comprehensible to me at that age.

Overall, it was like walking on egg shells my whole youth and into present day, despite being independent and living separately from her.

I feel so angry at everything and everyone, my lack of a social foundation of close friendships or romance has caused me to feel isolated, and question the purpose of trying when I'm just going to be hurt?

This is the same approach/mindset my mother has, which is why she also doesn't have a social life, and remarried a man she doesn't truly love. While she doesn't believe in mental health, I've seen a therapist a few times to talk about my issues, but it wasn't a match.

I hate how she made me feel growing up, and in turn, this should've made me become a better person, yet it didn't.

Most of my current friendships could never go beyond surface-level, because I'm too in my head that I'll say/do something that'll drive them away.

I haven't meaningfully dated others in my 20s, I based my self worth on my attraction/sex capabilities from 18-22 and this has caused me to not be realistic in my expectations.

I never actively thought of suicide, but I've passively played with thought scenarios of disappearing or never being born.

I know we joke and kii and this forum has been one of my last outlets of joy, but I'm just tired and everything is embarrassing/shitty/sad/etc.

I'm so sorry, generational trauma is a *****. I feel similar (other than I have African parents that immigrated, to have me and raise me in the US). It feels like with your parents they've ingrained so much hurt from their own childhoods, that it crosses over to you. I shouldn't feel this way, nor should I be suffering from the consequences of not having that mental or loving connection with our parents — but because of how THEY were treated, they transfer that onto us. It's up to us to break the cycle and know that how they parented their children wasn't the best or really it was just abusive and ended up ruining your children for life. The conversation about being afraid that your friendships will go/abandon you, and walking on eggshells is so real and it comes from a lack of self esteem and love brought on by your parents which ends up developing into some unhealthy attachment styles. I see you, I hear you and I'm with you

6 minutes ago, Mewtroyshka said:

I'm so sorry, generational trauma is a *****. I feel similar (other than I have African parents that immigrated, to have me and raise me in the US). It feels like with your parents they've ingrained so much hurt from their own childhoods, that it crosses over to you. I shouldn't feel this way, nor should I be suffering from the consequences of not having that mental or loving connection with our parents — but because of how THEY were treated, they transfer that onto us. It's up to us to break the cycle and know that how they parented their children wasn't the best or really it was just abusive and ended up ruining your children for life. The conversation about being afraid that your friendships will go/abandon you, and walking on eggshells is so real and it comes from a lack of self esteem and love brought on by your parents which ends up developing into some unhealthy attachment styles. I see you, I hear you and I'm with you

Thank you for your meaningful words at a time where I feel really vulnerable.

There's that popular proverb everyone says,"life is about the journey, not the destination.", but yet, I hate the journey.

I turn to extreme pessimism at times when I feel my other extreme as a people pleaser doesn't serve me.

Sounds like you need to get angry at that horrible woman. That is the first step to healing. Feeling, expressing and processing the anger.

3 minutes ago, Europe said:

Sounds like you need to get angry at that horrible woman. That is the first step to healing. Feeling, expressing and processing the anger.

My mother was horrible to us, but knowing what she went through, I can't call her entirely horrible(maybe a bit of fear trauma speaking here).

Having a mature, leveled conversation about the abuse endured by a parent that doesn't like taking accountability is like talking to a brick wall(I've made peace with this after moving out thankfully).

umm maybe it's time to reconcile with her

23 minutes ago, fememeist said:

My mother was horrible to us, but knowing what she went through, I can't call her entirely horrible(maybe a bit of fear trauma speaking here).

Having a mature, leveled conversation about the abuse endured by a parent that doesn't like taking accountability is like talking to a brick wall(I've made peace with this after moving out thankfully).

I think there's a fundamental flaw:

You are being considerate of your mother's feelings, her situation and what she had to get through to be where she is right now and her sacrifices. But does she owe you the same grace? Is she considerate of what she put you through?

Relationships aren't a one-way street, even if she is your mother. You deserve to be seen, you deserve for your struggle and hardship to be acknowledged. If this was any other person, we would not tolerate that kind of behavior at all, but because it is a familial bond (that is highly prized by society), we make exceptions. And accept less than we deserve, because we're told that's what we should do.

Edited April 16Apr 16 by Arthoe

4 hours ago, Arthoe said:

But does she owe you the same grace? Is she considerate of what she put you through?

Definitely not, I know this. We've talked about this.

How do i get over the mental hurdles of my trauma if I made peace with the fact that I'm not going to get closure/acknowledgement from her? I feel like I'm expecting black and white solutions to these questions I ask, but IDK how to navigate this.

Edited April 16Apr 16 by fememeist

40 minutes ago, fememeist said:

Definitely not, I know this. We've talked about this.

How do i get over the mental hurdles of my trauma if I made peace with the fact that I'm not going to get closure/acknowledgement from her? I feel like I'm expecting black and white solutions to these questions I ask, but IDK how to navigate this.

Not to sound too much like an armchair psychologist, but I think it sounds like you have compartmentalized and rationalized all your feelings towards your mother in order to cope and survive.

Have you ever voiced and FELT what negative feelings the beaviour of your mother made you feel like? I think there could be still a lot of (VERY RIGHTFUL) anger in you that instead manifests itself in that feeling of "jadedness" that you described. Very often we're told to not express our anger in order to not shake the social harmony, but supressing anger is incredibly self-destructive.