discussion Is my friend being too dramatic?

[zasderfght]

My friend is around my same age (we're in our mid-to-late twenties), and I'm a gay cis-male while he's a trans male-- this is an important detail to the story. 

 

Anyway, my trans friend got outed at work, and obviously that was wrong and should have never happened. And even me and his therapist told him he should report the person who did it to HR. However, he said he got panic attacks constantly being at work, almost was not going to go to HR, and he even had to miss work for days (that were potentially not paid for, to make a situation worse). He even told me he told the manager he had to switch locations. And he's not working until his manager finds a new location for him, which I think he did. 

 

Now, on this site, I pride myself about being considerate and reserving judgment, but that might go out the window for a second. While I'm sympathetic of my trans friend feeling unsafe at work (and being outed sucks-- happened to me, it's almost a dissociating feeling-- I get it), I think not showing up to work until your boss can find an alternative place to work is a bit much. Being cis, I can't pretend like I know what it's like to be outed as a trans-male, but if he wants to live independently (which he's expressed interest in many times), he can't skip days like this and let these bullies win. Or at least try to snag a job in the meantime. Not to mention, his other jobs he'd take off quite a bit of days for migraines, and they suck, but he seems to think they were anxiety-induced migraines. When I mentioned Zoloft, he said he was too anxious to try that.

 

Based on this story alone, you might think I'm a terrible person, and so be it, but maybe this will help you see my perspective of him being overdramatic? 

 

He says he's going to delay getting his driver's license until he gets his legal name changed-- and he said this before he had a court date. I get it's triggering to see your dead name on a license, but you could ALWAYS change your license after it gets legally changed. And I can tell you as someone that regularly carded passports/DLs/IDs, I did not even look at the name. If it looked like a real ID, face that matched the person's I'm looking at, and the DOB was 21+, you were golden. 

 

I live on my own now, but when I offered to roommate with him, he said he had to include his mom (so, suggesting a town-home idea), because he can't "leave her alone," despite his mom being in her 50s, able-bodied, etc. 

 

It just seems like he has Peter Pan syndrome, like, I can just drop work. Or, I'll just wait until everything perfectly aligns in my universe (name change -> surgery -> possibly bottom surgery -> then goals you meant to start actually starts). 

 

Being a gay male (and Latinx at that, although I'm part white and more white-passing) in a very machismo, homophobic, Bible-belt family, and I can learn to be comfortable in my own skin (even though I can feel uncomfortable in social situations, but I'm smart and I let it roll off of me, because they're just strangers. They don't know me). And I feel like just leaning into who I am and tuning out the noise has given me a confidence I really wish and would hope my trans friend could get. 

 

That's the frustrating part about all of this: I really try day in and out to be a trans ally. I always ask about trans terms he uses, I've met his trans friends (including nonbinary), have been consistent in pronouns-- including to transphobic people, I would even make purchases with my ID because he felt uncomfortable he had his dead name on them. But I also want him to get a thicker skin. Am I terrible? 

Edited July 31, 2022 by zasderfght

[Haus]

I have a friend with chronic migraine and I've tried to bring up SNRIs (e.g. Effexor, which has been shown to help migraines) but didn't get a reply. I know they're generally against the stigma associated with mental health meds (and has untreated depression/anxiety) and it's frustrating but you have to empathize that having migraines regularly is extremely dispiriting, even more so if they fail to respond to medications specifically intended for migraine. You just have to make some tradeoffs in your expectations of them, and it's better to be more sensitive than not sensitive enough and risk hurting their feelings or your friendship. 

 

On the greater topic, I don't think it's your place to say they're being dramatic because you're not trans and it's basically that simple. My one encounter with workplace harassment was when two coworkers in the kitchen of the restaurant I served at said 'faggots' during a story while I was doing prep work (they knew they made a mistake) and I was incensed and uncomfortable for the rest of the shift. I only got through the prep work because I had my headphones to distract me. If even one of my coworkers showed any actual animosity towards my sexual orientation or anything else, I wouldn't show up either.

[zasderfght]

4 minutes ago, Haus said:

I have a friend with chronic migraine and I've tried to bring up SNRIs (e.g. Effexor, which has been shown to help migraines) but didn't get a reply. I know they're generally against the stigma associated with mental health meds (and has untreated depression/anxiety) and it's frustrating but you have to empathize that having migraines regularly is extremely dispiriting, even more so if they fail to respond to medications specifically intended for migraine. You just have to make some tradeoffs in your expectations of them, and it's better to be more sensitive than not sensitive enough and risk hurting their feelings or your friendship. 

 

On the greater topic, I don't think it's your place to say they're being dramatic because you're not trans and it's basically that simple. My one encounter with workplace harassment was when two coworkers in the kitchen of the restaurant I served at said 'faggots' during a story while I was doing prep work (they knew they made a mistake) and I was incensed and uncomfortable for the rest of the shift. I only got through the prep work because I had my headphones to distract me. If even one of my coworkers showed any actual animosity towards my sexual orientation or anything else, I wouldn't show up either.

Yeah, I can understand this perspective. I just feel like he stops himself from doing things like moving out of house (which he can do no problem-- he has enough money), getting his license (I get the name change, and some people can take public transportation, and we live in a transportation-friendly city). Also, even if his work isn't being transphobic towards him, he just thinks every job is the worst. And I'm like... no one likes working, but if every work is that terrible, you have to be honest yourself and ask if it's you, or if it's the job, or a combination of the two. 

[Haus]

10 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

Yeah, I can understand this perspective. I just feel like he stops himself from doing things like moving out of house (which he can do no problem-- he has enough money), getting his license (I get the name change, and some people can take public transportation, and we live in a transportation-friendly city). Also, even if his work isn't being transphobic towards him, he just thinks every job is the worst. And I'm like... no one likes working, but if every work is that terrible, you have to be honest yourself and ask if it's you, or if it's the job, or a combination of the two. 

That's totally fair. Some attitudes are indeed separate from their migraine and it isn't an excuse for everything (though my bestie never uses it as an excuse anyway, they're quite hard on themself and don't like talking about it). You're right that he has avenues around these problems and if he can't tolerate a job that suits his current skills, he should consider furthering his education or learning a vocation. You could try casually bringing up these practical ideas (one at a time, here and there) but don't push anything on him. If you made points, he'll consider them. If you didn't, you didn't. Slowly and respectfully say your peace on these things and maybe you'll spark change. But don't link the state of your friendship to whether or not he follows your advice. Your basic expectation should be that he won't. 

[Archetype]

It seems like he's just waiting for everything to align to start a "new life" as the man he is without others knowing about his past.  It's not completely unreasonable.  Also, does he feel threatened or is he being bullied at work?  If not, and it's just his anxiety, then he need to learn how to cope with this.  I'm assuming he has a therapist, so hopefully they can help, but maybe, as his friend, you can also encourage him to get out more. 

 

However, you said he makes enough money, lives comfortably at home, and doesn't seem to have any major issues unrelated to being trans, so maybe that's just his personality and you're learning more about him ever since he was outed.  To me, it seems like you're realizing you and him might be going in different directions in life and possibly won't be friends in the future.  I had a friend who went through something very similar and I eventually stopped talking to him because he was too complacent with his current life, kept running into the same avoidable problems, had self-destructive behavior, confidence issues, etc and never showed any signs of betterment.  I still have a lot of respect for him and wish him the best, but I couldn't justify spending my time and mental energy dealing with someone like that.

Edited July 31, 2022 by Archetype

[insomniac]

Everyone is different and everyone’s experiences, perceptions and dealing with a variety of things like disappointments, fear and anxiety are. Being a good friend (and not saying that you aren’t), you can be there to encourage him to do things different (as you see more effective, promising or self developmental to him), but eventually he’s his own person and you need to let them accept him for who he is at his own pace, with his flaws without trying to push him too much into one direction. Support him when and where you can. Just be a good listener and try to provide guidance and advice when asked (not unasked). If in the long run you feel the relationship isn’t benefitting you and more so them or your values or work ethic don’t line up anymore then you can always discuss that and or take some distance.

Edited July 31, 2022 by insomniac

[Velvet Night]

I’m non-binary and around your age and I can definitely sympathise with your friend. I don’t think your friend is too dramatic but he’s too anxious imo. It seems like his fears are guiding him and he isn’t rational about his life and the choices he makes. He needs to understand that not everything is going to go the way he wants it to. If I were in your shoes I would acknowledge his feelings but also give him a reality check. He needs to learn how to deal with unpleasant situations (like getting outed at work), because as a trans man he will unfortunately experience a lot of them in his life. I would also recommend him to see a therapist if he doesn't have one at the moment. 

[Rainbows]

People go through hardships in whatever way they’re going to. If they’re a good friend to you and you can tell they genuinely love you as a friend and a person and you love and care for them then it is your job as a friend to be there and be supportive of whatever they may think they need (within reason and it sounds like your friend is a reasonable person.) Moving past our egos and allowing people to decide what is best for themselves without putting our own expectations on someone about what we think they should be doing is hard but it’s a must. If they ask for your advice or ideas that’s all it is, don’t expect them to take exactly what you say and apply it to themselves, they may just be looking for input and a different perspective and it may or may not alter their own. Mental illness is a really hard thing to tackle on your own, if anything I would suggest to your friend if you haven’t already to try speaking to a professional about exactly what they’re feeling. Whether that be therapy or psychiatry, group therapy whatever it may be, mental illness can play a huge role in someone growing up and moving into adulthood and trans people especially face greater challenges on top of that. You really don’t know until you know, and once you know you can go from there. Your friend sounds like they could be experiencing some mental blocks when it comes to self growth and responsibility stemming from anxiety and being trans, also migraines are actually debilitating and can play a role in their productivity. If they have a plan then that is their plan! Everyone develops at their own pace. If they’re in a situation where they’re able to do this then I don’t see an issue. Hold them to it and keep pushing them to do the things they say they’re going to do, bring it up when you see them, ask them about it. Hold your friend responsible within reason, remember no matter how much you care for someone you are not their parent. Drop the expectations and just be a friend, be there for them and speak up when need be. If you can’t be their friend be upfront with them and wish them the best, but don’t make it personal.

[John Slayne]

Your friend has anxiety and as a cis person, it is not your place to tell him he's too dramatic about being outed etc.

 

I don't think that makes you a bad friend though, it reads to me like you genuinely care about him and want him to do well. 

 

5 hours ago, zasderfght said:

Or, I'll just wait until everything perfectly aligns in my universe (name change -> surgery -> possibly bottom surgery -> then goals you meant to start actually starts). 

This part stuck out to me and I think you identified your friend's issues perfectly. 

 

He needs to learn to accept the world as it is and learn to cope with it (this is the most important lesson to learn for anyone btw, not just him). There is a lot of hostility towards trans people, and it isn't fair. And it sucks, and cis people can't relate to it. But if he wants to be happy and thrive he needs to start playing with the cards he was dealt with it.

 

That doesn't mean he should just suck it up and accept whatever bs that comes towards his way. His fears and anxieties are legitimate and valid, and he's not wrong for acting on them. But he can't wait forever for the world to perfect. 'When X happens, I will finally start doing Y' is how I used to live growing up and it was mostly just a coping mechanism because I lived in a hostile environment. When I got a bit older, I realised that life is short and years go by quickly. If you always wait for something to happen before you start living, you will never truly start living and you will regret it later in life. 

 

 

[Topaz]

5 hours ago, Archetype said:

It seems like he's just waiting for everything to align to start a "new life" as the man he is without others knowing about his past.  It's not completely unreasonable.  Also, does he feel threatened or is he being bullied at work?  If not, and it's just his anxiety, then he need to learn how to cope with this.  I'm assuming he has a therapist, so hopefully they can help, but maybe, as his friend, you can also encourage him to get out more. 

 

However, you said he makes enough money, lives comfortably at home, and doesn't seem to have any major issues unrelated to being trans, so maybe that's just his personality and you're learning more about him ever since he was outed.  To me, it seems like you're realizing you and him might be going in different directions in life and possibly won't be friends in the future.  I had a friend who went through something very similar and I eventually stopped talking to him because he was too complacent with his current life, kept running into the same avoidable problems, had self-destructive behavior, confidence issues, etc and never showed any signs of betterment.  I still have a lot of respect for him and wish him the best, but I couldn't justify spending my time and mental energy dealing with someone like that.

I like this a lot. 

+ If he wants better he has to put in the work. You can only help someone so much.

[Into The Void]

Reading your story I don't think ur a bad friend. You seem well intentioned and want to help him. Idk what the work situation is but taking off several days doesn't look good but if it benefits you mentally that's OK. You said he's resistant to take anxiety meds and I don't know why they are helpful. I take them daily. Just be a good friend that's all you can do.

[Communion]

10 hours ago, xclusivestylesz said:

Dude you're not the issue. This guy doesn't want to better himself. You're not his mother... Cut this negativity out of your life... You're making excuses for a waste person that only wants to wallow in pity. You tried, now let go. He doesn't want to be helped.

 

10 hours ago, xclusivestylesz said:

Stop right now. Don't allow yourself to be used 

Some of y'all serving sociopathy and lack of social skills.

 

The highly important function of being able to express empathy and understanding is not "enabling toxicity in your life". 

 

@zasderfght If you care about this person, which I assume you do based on your post above of genuinely wanting to help him, I imagine all you can do is just be a shoulder for them when you can when they need. Friendship is not about best trying to transform those around you into visions you have for them, but having shared interests and liking people in spite of their other differences. 

 

I wouldn't even try to make this about his transness since you're also mentioning other issues that you don't appear to be overly knowledgeable on - maybe his financial situation means he worries about his mother's finances if he moved out? - and truthfully, unless his behavior was negatively impacting you (and you've not shown any evidence of this), the most you can do and probably should just is just continue to be someone's friend as you would normally? 

[zasderfght]

8 hours ago, John Slayne said:

Your friend has anxiety and as a cis person, it is not your place to tell him he's too dramatic about being outed etc.

 

I don't think that makes you a bad friend though, it reads to me like you genuinely care about him and want him to do well. 

 

This part stuck out to me and I think you identified your friend's issues perfectly. 

 

He needs to learn to accept the world as it is and learn to cope with it (this is the most important lesson to learn for anyone btw, not just him). There is a lot of hostility towards trans people, and it isn't fair. And it sucks, and cis people can't relate to it. But if he wants to be happy and thrive he needs to start playing with the cards he was dealt with it.

 

That doesn't mean he should just suck it up and accept whatever bs that comes towards his way. His fears and anxieties are legitimate and valid, and he's not wrong for acting on them. But he can't wait forever for the world to perfect. 'When X happens, I will finally start doing Y' is how I used to live growing up and it was mostly just a coping mechanism because I lived in a hostile environment. When I got a bit older, I realised that life is short and years go by quickly. If you always wait for something to happen before you start living, you will never truly start living and you will regret it later in life. 

 

 

You put into words what I couldn't. As a cis person, it's not my place to say if he's being overdramatic, however, it can be my place to say, "hey, if you're not going to take these active steps (getting your license, getting property in your name) to move the goal post, the goal post will forever be unchanged/unmoved." 

 

He's allowed me to give his two cents, and he knows any suggestions/advice are out of love. He'll tell me, "yeah, I know I need to drive," or "yeah, I know I need to move out." And these are things he wants for himself-- not just things I think he should have. 

 

Excellent response-- you always come through <3 

[zasderfght]

2 hours ago, Communion said:

 

Some of y'all serving sociopathy and lack of social skills.

 

The highly important function of being able to express empathy and understanding is not "enabling toxicity in your life". 

 

@zasderfght If you care about this person, which I assume you do based on your post above of genuinely wanting to help him, I imagine all you can do is just be a shoulder for them when you can when they need. Friendship is not about best trying to transform those around you into visions you have for them, but having shared interests and liking people in spite of their other differences. 

 

I wouldn't even try to make this about his transness since you're also mentioning other issues that you don't appear to be overly knowledgeable on - maybe his financial situation means he worries about his mother's finances if he moved out? - and truthfully, unless his behavior was negatively impacting you (and you've not shown any evidence of this), the most you can do and probably should just is just continue to be someone's friend as you would normally? 

I appreciate your input. So his mom honestly could live on her own. She lives check to check, but who isn't right now? She has a stable job and has built years with the company-- it's not like she's going to get let go (although, that can happen with any job, I guess). She also has employer-based insurance. 

 

And his behavior isn't necessarily negatively impacting me-- he's very supportive in any life decision I make, which I appreciate, and I try to do the same for him. For example, I gave him my doctor and therapist because I knew they were very LGBTQ+ friendly, like I mentioned in a previous post, I would buy his vapes/weed/liquor or anything that required an ID because he either did (or still will) feel uncomfortable being carded with his dead name. 

 

I guess I just need to change my perspective. It's rare when you have friends that will call you at the drop of the hat if you need them, and he's one of those. And I genuinely enjoy our friendship. 

 

I just wish his outcome was a lot different, and it's not because I have a specific vision for him. Even if he never moves out of his mom's house, I just, at the very least, wish he had the confidence to make purchases without being anxious, he could find coping mechanisms that work for him in stressful situations (as opposed to giving his therapist/me a call/text every time he has a panic attack). 

[Buddy]

It seems like he needs to get certain issues sorted out in his life before he takes on a career, if that's possible. I'm not trans, but have felt in a similar position. Being trans is different from being gay, and it may take him some time before he's considerably comfortable in his own skin - that's OK. I'd reserve judgment as his insecurities and turbulent mental health are improvable aspects that will likely dissipate in time. All one can do as a friend is support him on a productive path. 

[Haus]

16 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

I appreciate your input. So his mom honestly could live on her own. She lives check to check, but who isn't right now? She has a stable job and has built years with the company-- it's not like she's going to get let go (although, that can happen with any job, I guess). She also has employer-based insurance. 

 

And his behavior isn't necessarily negatively impacting me-- he's very supportive in any life decision I make, which I appreciate, and I try to do the same for him. For example, I gave him my doctor and therapist because I knew they were very LGBTQ+ friendly, like I mentioned in a previous post, I would buy his vapes/weed/liquor or anything that required an ID because he either did (or still will) feel uncomfortable being carded with his dead name. 

 

I guess I just need to change my perspective. It's rare when you have friends that will call you at the drop of the hat if you need them, and he's one of those. And I genuinely enjoy our friendship. 

 

I just wish his outcome was a lot different, and it's not because I have a specific vision for him. Even if he never moves out of his mom's house, I just, at the very least, wish he had the confidence to make purchases without being anxious, he could find coping mechanisms that work for him in stressful situations (as opposed to giving his therapist/me a call/text every time he has a panic attack). 

That's really generous, by the way. I've always hated when underage friends/family ask me to buy something 21+ for them, but that's really considerate. 

 

You clearly want the best for him and that's how any good friend feels. Communion was right that his behavior doesn't appear to be negatively impacting you, but I know what it's like to watch a friend who's stalling and I know what it's like to be the friend who's stalling. He's in a sensitive period of his life and the best you can do is offer your support in a constructive and respectful manner. The best advice I can give both you and him is to tackle them one at a time. Worry about the simplest change first and go from there.

[zasderfght]

20 minutes ago, Haus said:

That's really generous, by the way. I've always hated when underage friends/family ask me to buy something 21+ for them, but that's really considerate. 

 

You clearly want the best for him and that's how any good friend feels. Communion was right that his behavior doesn't appear to be negatively impacting you, but I know what it's like to watch a friend who's stalling and I know what it's like to be the friend who's stalling. He's in a sensitive period of his life and the best you can do is offer your support in a constructive and respectful manner. The best advice I can give both you and him is to tackle them one at a time. Worry about the simplest change first and go from there.

Thanks, sis <3 I agree.