discussion The Depression Lounge

[Joyride]

almost chose sewerside yesterday

[LCTV]

So grateful for moving to California , getting a stable management job with positive income , and living in my own studio apt.

Don't get me wrong. But I miss only working night shifts at a restaurant while somewhat making enough to be you know.. fine.

 

I feel like I don't have freedom and work is always just the number one priority right now then because I'm sick with Colitis / have Liver issues

I spend my off time sleeping to basically recover and repeat.

[monologueNacafe]

On 4/12/2024 at 9:09 PM, Joyride said:

almost chose sewerside yesterday

glad you didn't 

[monologueNacafe]

I'm tired of feeling like such a failure

[unino]

right now i feel very serene. it's such a weird feeling for me that i kind of afraid of losing it. that i don't want to ever leave moment like this. 

[unino]

On 4/6/2024 at 5:26 AM, JoeAg said:

I don't know... how to be happy. I don't know how to not dislike every part of myself at this moment. I'm not talented enough, I never do sh*t right. I've been ghosting one of my friends cause I want them out of my life and I've already written in my notes app several ways to let them down and actually give them some form of closure. my mom just yelled at me over facetime because I never picked up a package of winter clothing she sent me that got delivered here in march. she said it cost $44 and was a lot of effort on her part and I am so sorry that I did that and I apologized several times. when I... speak to her ever and she gets upset, my coping mechanism is to not give eye contact because she has this thousand yard stare that she's been so adept at ever since I was a kid and I get so insecure sometimes when she looks at me. I know there's a lot of trauma to unpack and I want to unpack it with my siblings but they tell me it's unfair to discuss it since my mother is helping me financially a lot until I get a job. I don't think those things need to intersect, I think it can be mutually exclusive. I can talk about how much pain she's caused me while still being grateful for financial support. but I don't think my siblings can compartmentalize like that. idk. it sucks

i agree with this so much. it's very important to acknowledge the problem/the behavior of our parents whether they try their best and afford everything beyond anyone else could give us or not.

i get the important of it after years of not really talking with my sister, she opened up and shared a lot of her childhood trauma to me. this's very much a family matter that only your family would understand and with the details you wouldn't want to tell anyone outside of your family. despite growing up and being 2 years apart, we both have significant different childhood so i'm glad to be there for her. at least to be a confirmation that her feelings are valid as well as the gratitude she has for them. 

people really find it hard to separate the two, i tried to confront my parents about her trauma (and mine as well) but they didn't take it well at all. all of it was that we're blaming them, painting them to be 'bad parents' despite all the efforts they have put onto us.

it's a hard topic but i just need to keep bringing it up and help them to understand so they could understand us more. though so sometimes i would stay silent because it really is exhausting.

after all, i really feel for you. i hope one day you could share them with your siblings. 

[unino]

On 4/12/2024 at 8:20 AM, Likingstars said:

Another failed talking stage. I just feel so hopeless that i will never find anyone who loves me. I dont have the energy to do anything. Every day just passes by and i just feel like I'm floating along. I just feel so so so lonely. 

that's probably the hardest feeling i am going through as well. what i'm trying is to open up with people around me and try to appreciate the love, the kindness from them more. but most importantly i'm trying to nurture and appreciate myself.

idk how to tell you. but you have to admit that there's possibility that you might or might not find someone who truly loves you. though one thing for sure is you will be there and i would like for you to be there for yourself, love yourself as much as one could love. 

[monologueNacafe]

I've never felt this bad in my life and there seems to be nothing I can do

[AvadaKedavra]

Sending a big hug to yll from this weird southamerican land.
I know it will probably not help but yll deserve the best things

Im sad how sometimes the best people have it so hard. Been noticin it more daily. Really sweet people goin through tribulations
You all should be thriving not suffering

This world can be so nasty and rude. Sometimes i just wonder why life is like this? Are we all in some sort of "cosmic prison" or something?  
Why the world has to be this evil when it can be such a sweet place? nature why are u so cruel? 

Sometimes i like to remind myself of how
At least im not alone in our sufferin. We are all so lost and confused too. Even the ones pretending everything is perfect* 
Hope we are able to shine eventually even if it looks impossible.
Sometimes is hard to dance in the rain. Manifesting the sun coming out after storms
 

 

[JoeAg]

18 hours ago, unino said:

i agree with this so much. it's very important to acknowledge the problem/the behavior of our parents whether they try their best and afford everything beyond anyone else could give us or not.

i get the important of it after years of not really talking with my sister, she opened up and shared a lot of her childhood trauma to me. this's very much a family matter that only your family would understand and with the details you wouldn't want to tell anyone outside of your family. despite growing up and being 2 years apart, we both have significant different childhood so i'm glad to be there for her. at least to be a confirmation that her feelings are valid as well as the gratitude she has for them. 

people really find it hard to separate the two, i tried to confront my parents about her trauma (and mine as well) but they didn't take it well at all. all of it was that we're blaming them, painting them to be 'bad parents' despite all the efforts they have put onto us.

it's a hard topic but i just need to keep bringing it up and help them to understand so they could understand us more. though so sometimes i would stay silent because it really is exhausting.

after all, i really feel for you. i hope one day you could share them with your siblings. 

I'm so sorry I totally meant to answer earlier asdfafsgsgsgzvgx

 

I hear you and I feel for you too!

mannnn it's always just… yeah it's rough. you never know exactly how a parent will take something, and trauma… healing… convalescence… it all takes time and there's no one right route to get through it. empathy and patience are everything, and 

 

when was the last time you tried discussing these things with your parents? I did it back in like… november with my dad I think but then about a week later my sister announced her divorce to me and 2 of our siblings over facetime (my other brother was overseas for some reason) so that kinda made that conversation take a backseat. I know my oldest brother is NOT ready in the slightest, considering that after I sent a message about our mother's treatment of us and the competitive nature being unfair he literally was like "ummm…”

 

like okay Jake 🙄 not to play the age card but you're 33 dude, passive aggression isn't the tea. either ignore what I said or say "I might be down to talk about this some other time" or something like that. idk it's a bizarre dynamic with him in particular. but it was my other brother who was especially indicating that he thought it was unfair i was bringing that stuff up

 

aaaaaa sorry for rambling lmao

[EnigmaticAndroid]

Have a little over 2 months sober 

 

Still in treatment but transferred to a different place for a lower level of care. Doing well, putting in a lot of work. Nervous about going home in a few weeks but I'm trying to figure a lot of things put before I go (meetings, sober groups, etc.) so I can have a game plan.

 

I do feel like I'm hitting a bit of a wall in my recovery, and I'm realizing how hard it is for me to give up weed specifically, but I'm staying strong. Going to a lot of meetings and I got a NA big book.

[unino]

2 hours ago, JoeAg said:

I'm so sorry I totally meant to answer earlier asdfafsgsgsgzvgx

 

I hear you and I feel for you too!

mannnn it's always just… yeah it's rough. you never know exactly how a parent will take something, and trauma… healing… convalescence… it all takes time and there's no one right route to get through it. empathy and patience are everything, and 

 

when was the last time you tried discussing these things with your parents? I did it back in like… november with my dad I think but then about a week later my sister announced her divorce to me and 2 of our siblings over facetime (my other brother was overseas for some reason) so that kinda made that conversation take a backseat. I know my oldest brother is NOT ready in the slightest, considering that after I sent a message about our mother's treatment of us and the competitive nature being unfair he literally was like "ummm…”

 

like okay Jake 🙄 not to play the age card but you're 33 dude, passive aggression isn't the tea. either ignore what I said or say "I might be down to talk about this some other time" or something like that. idk it's a bizarre dynamic with him in particular. but it was my other brother who was especially indicating that he thought it was unfair i was bringing that stuff up

 

aaaaaa sorry for rambling lmao

oh please don't be sorry, i find this to be pretty common problem overall. 

Actually for my family, it was my sister that confronted our mom about her past behavior, which was like 10+ years ago, and of course my mom didn't take it well at all. 

But i kind of the only person in our family who mom could dumb ****, get everything out. So when she talked about how my sister confronting her, how my sis is being ungrateful and doesn't care for her feeling. I simply pointed out how things are. How no parents are perfect and how it's inevitable to make a mistake while raising their child. no matter how hard they try, they will something that will cause their child badly.

For my sister case, it was that they raised her to fit such a strong social norms and hold my sister in crazy beauty standard which leads to some verbal abuse when my sister didn't meet them etc. I tried to make her understand that she probably unaware of how toxic and how it could affect my sister. AND she probably tried her best to raise her children to be able to fit in the society. But those past actions/behaviors of her caused my sister such a traumatic childhood. 

Though she tried to listen to me, but it didn't seem like she understand it at all. After that she lowkey avoiding talking to me about it. but i will say that she seems more open and listen more to my sister. 


With your situation though , oh boy that's a rough one for sure. i truly hope one day your siblings will be more aware of their mental health. 

my sister only started to care about mental health for like 3-4 years, especially after i came out as both being gay and having depression at the same time (it was such a mess looking back lmao). now me and my sis truly have each other to hold onto. 

i suggest you keep pushing and express your pains when the right situation comes. it will be damn hard if your siblings don't care about mental health issues by themself, but it will be worth trying. 

Edited April 15 by unino

[G.U.Y_Del_Rey]

Edit: wrong thread lol

Edited April 18 by G.U.Y_Del_Rey

[JoeAg]

my personal life continues to suck because not only am I a wh*re but i'm also a dumbass

 

but in better news! I have an interview tomorrow and an interview on friday for two music school jobs?? crazy sh*t, but I'd be such a great music teacher considering I'm kind of talented occasionally but also have classical training. having a job would alleviate so many of my depression-related issues, but having a job related to MUSIC?? that'd just make my life so much more meaningful. it's already great to have another show next week that i'm looking forward to (wow! me finding some level of success in music… who woulda thunk?) but obviously since music is everything to me, this would just be gravy. we carry on… this would make carrying on so much easier for me

Edited April 16 by JoeAg

[monologueNacafe]

met with the psychiatrist this morning, which proved to be a pretty useless meeting.

 

She wants me to continue on with this new medication for longer even though I feel like it might be making me worse.

 

I'm tired of trying LITERALLY EVERYTHING and then waiting weeks for nothing to get better....meanwhile my job is ruining my life and I'm stuck here

[G.U.Y_Del_Rey]

I feel that people at my workplace always try to treat me like nerds are treated in sitcoms, with constant psychological abuse and always trying to belittle them.

Edited April 20 by G.U.Y_Del_Rey

[ThousandMiles]

Absolutely numb with depression today

[JoeAg]

I cannot f*cking stand the way I let things affect me so deeply? like I was walking outside earlier to throw out some trash and then I came back into my building and saw this hot guy who i've been wanting to talk to for awhile come in and so i held the elevator for him and then some girl popped in too and she was also rather attractive and i start a conversation with them both and they just immediately both start f*cking talking OVER ME like i'm invisible  and it just ruins my mood for the next hour!! like… it was 45 seconds at most cause i'm on the second floor but it just was so glaringly upsetting to me and felt so purposeful so now i'm sad and don't want to leave my apartment again today even though i really should

[JoeAg]

like it just makes me feel ugly and like a weirdo and i'm 27 years old and i DON'T want to still have to deal with feeling invisible after all this self-improvement i've done 

[monologueNacafe]

It's Monday, so I'm once again in hell

[WeFoundWill]

On 4/18/2024 at 9:09 PM, monologueNacafe said:

met with the psychiatrist this morning, which proved to be a pretty useless meeting.

 

She wants me to continue on with this new medication for longer even though I feel like it might be making me worse.

 

I'm tired of trying LITERALLY EVERYTHING and then waiting weeks for nothing to get better....meanwhile my job is ruining my life and I'm stuck here

sorry I dont visit this thread often, so I might've missed major details, but as someone started taking medication again your psychologist might not be wrong!!! The first two weeks of taking my medication felt like **** both times but I based on my experience it gets ALOT better after that. It takes some time for certain medications to reach Its level in your body were it has a noticable effects.

[Jotham]

I sent a thank-you email to my former therapist earlier today. It's been over a year since I had my last meeting with her but she was so helpful in helping me navigate my life after quitting my job.

[KFC]

I got the job  very happy, it's my dream job. 

 

Only thing now is I'm getting the urge to drink myself stupid and self-sabotage. I really need to be careful these next few weeks because I will NEVER forgive myself if I mess this opportunity up 

[Sun]

Welp - I wish I was making the same post as the user above, but it's quite the opposite. Been interviewing for this one specific role for a month now and was almost certain I'd get it. I spent days studying for it - the role, interview questions, the company, everything under the moon because of how badly I wanted it - truly my dream job. I was told I'd be gotten back to this week - emailed both the hiring manager and recruiter for a follow up and no responses, lol. I honestly don't know what I could've done better and I'm devastated - I nailed every single question they asked me in the interview so much so they pivoted and asked additional company-specific questions specifically for me... Yet that still wasn't enough, apparently. And the fact we do all this just to be ghosted in the end is just heartbreaking. I've been job searching for 3 months now and it just feels like an endless loop; 100-700 applicants on every posting, barely any postings to begin with, and then just getting ghosted once you do get some traction going. I feel like a prisoner in my room and the depression is at an all-time high, lol. I hate how dependent we are in our lives on work. Time to start from scratch with applications. Sigh.

[monologueNacafe]

On 4/22/2024 at 4:58 PM, WeFoundWill said:

sorry I dont visit this thread often, so I might've missed major details, but as someone started taking medication again your psychologist might not be wrong!!! The first two weeks of taking my medication felt like **** both times but I based on my experience it gets ALOT better after that. It takes some time for certain medications to reach Its level in your body were it has a noticable effects.

Well my doctor increased the dose and sent in the new prescription but the coupon card I was using for the other dose isn't working so I'm unable to afford the meds anymore. So I won't even find out if it'll work. 
 

 

 

IM SO SICK OF THIS ****. IF ITS NOT ONE THING ITS SOMETHING ELSE