tournament Golden Hit: Season 1 📀 Congrats to 8thPrince and Jackson!! 🏆🏆

[fountain]

2 hours ago, Jackson said:

WAIT this is so unexpected… but thanks 

Are you going to be posting your entry this round? I am very intrigued to see what others reactions would be to it, and it might be an inspiring reference to read also. 

[Achilles.]

Actually, revisiting these previous games in the context of the current round is rather demoralizing because I am still the same emotionally stunted, closeted, depressed loser living with my parents seven ****ing years later… please put me out my misery.  

 

I wonder what I’m going to write for this round when I’ve already exhausted the topic.  

[fountain]

10 minutes ago, Achilles. said:

Round 5 though. That was a trip. “Write a song using a word I chose randomly from the dictionary. Jake, your word is ‘telegony.’”  

Oh, oops. I thought next weeks challenge was a new one I had thought of, not a repeat. ?

[fountain]

12 minutes ago, Achilles. said:

This is me in real time realizing that I must have competed in PH9 as well because Red Carpet Funeral, Paint By Number, Scapegoat, Full Time Mom, and Boys Will Be Boys aren’t in 8, 10, or 12.  I didn’t think I did so many seasons. 

PH9 was the season that Temporal hosted and Citrus won, with Jackson, 8thPrince,  swiftie13 and eventually myself judging.
 

That season for me is a blur too, I also competed at first but ended up dropping out, and then later joined the judging panel for the latter half when they needed a replacement for swiftie. I then rounded off the season becoming the host for DH, after Temporal made the hosting candidates have a presidential style debate, with which everybody voted for who should host  I really went from player, to judge, to host all in one season.

[JoeAg]

17 minutes ago, fountain said:

@JoeAg - Maladjusted 

 

First I really want to praise you and thank you for your commitment and the fact that you have persevered and submitted despite the testing week that you have had, I really appreciate it. Your writing here is very inspired and almost abstract at times, there are many points at which I had to look up what certain words meant, and I think you have to be a little careful with using such language at times, especially to such a degree, because with outdated or underused words you can end up sounding nonsensical or even pompous when other words are avaliable; that said though, with the nature of your song I think that these word choices work and help strengthen this “maladjusted” theme as using language like this itself could be considered quite maladjusted, so if that’s what you intended for it to resonate as then I think that was a smart choice, but in the future I would advise to be careful not to overdo it as in some cases it can end up being a hindrance to the message and the resonance of a song, definitely take it on a case by case basis. Personally I would say I feel the last two sections of the song are the strongest here, I think this is where your writing found the nicest balance between the stylistic choices you were making and the emotion and story you are trying to portray, particularly a line such as “said my cries weren’t of anger and weren’t representative of my soul, but were obviously not pleasing to the ear” was beautiful and also really self aware, and I love when a writer can be self aware and comment on the self in their own song, and you did that really brilliantly here. The song itself as a whole is quite an interesting mix of some poetic writing and abstract language, and various strokes of imagery, which probably shouldn’t all work together conventionally but actually in this case I think does, and that you have managed to pull it off, which shows your strength as a writer. It is perhaps not always the best method, but in this song and with this theme I think you have executed it well. Overall, I think that despite the struggles that you have faced in submitting this week that ultimately you have written a very strong entry, another which you should definitely be proud of, but still I hope that the next round can be more of a smoother experience for you. 

thank you ? yeah i was definitely feeling a bit of a Joanna Newsom moment with this one, and it’s definitely a bit about superiority complexes in relationships, and i was very much going for what you said about the lyrics themselves striking a maladjusted vibe and switching between more abstract moments and more direct assertions. thank you for the commentary 

[Achilles.]

3 minutes ago, fountain said:

made the hosting candidates have a presidential style debate, with which everybody voted for who should host  I really went from player, to judge, to host all in one season.

Don’t really remember this (maybe it was after my elimination?) but your serve! The plot line. The rising conflict. The character arc.

 

But yeah I must have been in that season. I remember that Temporal hosted when I sent RCF, and 8thPrince said earlier he was a judge when I sent BWBB.

 

And now that I think about it, a player coming back to become a judge does sound vaguely familiar. 

 

[fountain]

4 minutes ago, Achilles. said:

Don’t really remember this (maybe it was after my elimination?) but your serve! The plot line. The rising conflict. The character arc.

 

But yeah I must have been in that season. I remember that Temporal hosted when I sent RCF, and 8thPrince said earlier he was a judge when I sent BWBB.

 

And now that I think about it, a player coming back to become a judge does sound vaguely familiar. 

 

If you played PH6 I also came back as a judge (for a round) in that one too, this time after being eliminated (in round 4)  and it was also my first time ever playing… I probably have the weirdest and most random personal experience in these games tbh 

[fountain]

I heard a rumour in Let’s Spoon that it is @TruGemini’s birthday! 

 

Happy Birthday

[Better Mistakes]

14 minutes ago, fountain said:

I heard a rumour in Let’s Spoon that it is @TruGemini’s birthday! 

 

Happy Birthday

Not us sharing the same birthday with Troye Sivan @TruGemini Happy birthday!

[TruGemini]

15 minutes ago, fountain said:

I heard a rumour in Let’s Spoon that it is @TruGemini’s birthday! 

 

Happy Birthday

Thank you  I have a tradition of writing a song from a beat that was posted on my birthday every year so maybe I'll actually get my entry in before Wednesday night this week 

 

Just now, Better Mistakes said:

Not us sharing the same birthday with Troye Sivan @TruGemini Happy birthday!

Omg maybe that's why I was such a Happy Little Pill stan back in the day!  Thanks so much.

[Achilles.]

Not the two of you sharing a birthday. How gemini of you.
 

Hope you enjoy yourselves today!

[Hug]

PH9 was...my critical acclaim era. Despite never getting a #1, I also never dropped out of the Top 10 (and I'm the only player who could make that claim!!)

 

Now I'm someone who has never SEEN the Top 10, how the turn tables  

[Hug]

Need to make a cover for my song and then I'm done, I think

[Remmy]

Happy birthday TruGemini & Better Mistakes  and yessss Troye stream FOOLS, My My My! & IN A DREAM aka the best songs from his main projects (not counting his first EP, i skipped that hehe)

[Hug]

 

Gender’s a construct, you know?
I’m just building on mine as I go
I’ll build it with my own hands
I’m gonna be my own man
**** the world and what it demands

 

--

 

Guess I'll spoil my entry a bit and say that I wanted to focus on how the idea of being a "man" in society is incredibly rigid and the identities of men that don't conform to those rigid guidelines are often questioned or outright invalidated by other people. I most specifically wanted the focus to be on gay men and trans men, but I think even cishet men who just so happen to be a bit non-conforming could get something from this. I feel very strongly about masculinity not being inherently bad, it's what peoples' ideas of masculinity are that are flawed and need to be evaluated, and I wanted to express that with this entry. <3

 

Happy pride to EVERY part of the LGBT community (although we really should switch to GRSM - Gender, Romantic, and Sexual Minorities)

 

 

[Galah]

2 hours ago, Achilles. said:

Thank you so much for this!

 

LOL. My 1989 title track must have sucked indeed if I don’t even remember having written it! It’s the only one I haven’t got in my digital files, either. Maybe I wrote it by hand?

 

This is me in real time realizing that I must have competed in PH9 as well because Red Carpet Funeral, Paint By Number, Scapegoat, Full Time Mom, and Boys Will Be Boys aren’t in 8, 10, or 12.  I didn’t think I did so many seasons.  

 

Round 5 though. That was a trip. “Write a song using a word I chose randomly from the dictionary. Jake, your word is ‘telegony.’”  
 

I’d love to have all of the reviews if it isn’t too much of a bother!

The girls were NOT prepared for the Jigsaw challenge I fear, it was honestly a classic. Lemme see if we can incorporate it into Golden Hit now.

 

I still remember @Hug posting something like "what we thought Jigsaw challenge would be *pic of child's puzzle* what it actually is *pic of Billy the Puppet from Saw*" I can send your PH8 reviews after I'm finished with my GH reviews.

[Hug]

2 minutes ago, Aurora said:

The girls were NOT prepared for the Jigsaw challenge I fear, it was honestly a classic. Lemme see if we can incorporate it into Golden Hit now.

 

I still remember @Hug posting something like "what we thought Jigsaw challenge would be *pic of child's puzzle* what is actually is *pic of Billy the Puppet from Saw*" I can send your PH8 reviews after I'm finished with my GH reviews.

AHH please one of the funniest things I've ever posted poor the girls actually having to do that challenge though!

[Galah]

1 minute ago, Hug said:

AHH please one of the funniest things I've ever posted poor the girls actually having to do that challenge though!

I still have the spreadsheet where I generated the matchups of concept and keyword.  There were some missed combinations tbh!

 

Concept	Keyword	Contestant
an electric shock	graveolent	jpow
an ice age	roquelaure	conatus
a nervous breakdown	yenta
a temple	noyade
an orchard	wanion	Kworb
an earthquake	alveary	UFO
a submarine	jackleg
a graveyard	securiform	TheCheetahwings
a waterfall	vafrous	ausdaniel
a matchstick	lulav
an oasis	uberty	MattyTacos
a ghost town	boreen	Buyonce1814
a nightmare	telegony	Achilles.
a premonition	quietism	swiftie13
a river	occamy
a remote village	zendik	Moonchild
a thunderstorm	megascopic	ClarksonSlays
a rainforest	epeolatry	Kunst
a balloon	paragoge	Element
an eagle	cecity	Jack!
a mountain top	deipara
a volcano	hierodule	Vulnicura
a spiritual awakening	isagogic	Dylobs
a satellite	fylfot	8thPrince
a vineyard	kelebe	ceremonials

 

The way @GentleDance and @JoeAg have probably used these words in some of their songs anyways.

[Hug]

Ahh my entry was sent to the Google Forms. Regardless of the outcome of the round, I'm just really glad I wrote it because it feels important to me.

[Galah]

Me finally being down to the single digits left to review. Sorry these are taking so long but the length is really stacking up this week!

[Galah]

 

 

Hey, Hitmakers! Sorry my reviews are a bit later than the past few rounds'—between work and another tournament I was in, I was strapped for time.
That said, I've finished all of my reviews in one sitting. I agree with fountain, all in all it was a strong round, and most of you showed great growth.

There were some very clear recurring themes this week: many current events and political themes, but many songs about love and heartbreak also.

If there is anything in your review that you do not wish to have public (lyric excerpts, references to your material etc.) I will remove it upon request.
 

 

1. @hurricane326 - “Fight”
I read your updated version before referring back to the original, so this review was written after DatChickDoe’s. I don’t necessarily wish to compare the two entries—and I’ll do my best not to—but it’s hard not to draw certain comparisons reading them almost back-to-back like this. Where I think this entry excels most is the “[...] worth fighting for” refrain—it adds a perfect central element without requiring a chorus per se, yet connects the piece together in a powerful manner. I found the stretch from the fourth (“The screens scream”) to the ninth (“For streets”) verses particularly strong, those specific verses especially. Toward the end, it did feel a little less like a song and a little more like a preachy motivational speech than perhaps palatable. You’d done a magnificent job of displaying that balance prior to those last two verses though, and all in all I think this was a lovely and important submission.

2. @DatChickDoe - “Days Spill On Like Blood”
Not this clocking in at 496 words. However, your opening couplet alone is enough to make up for that. I can see this being a very polarising song, and I think you were very brave to submit it. For me personally, I find it utterly brilliant and definitely your strongest submission thus far by a long shot. Your rapid growth as a writer is inspiring. In the past, I probably would have considered the fourth verse and parts of the subsequent verses too graphic or borderline insensitive, but I think you’ve made your intentions clear enough to understand the gravity of the graphic language and the purpose being to feel uncomfortable so that change can be finally brought about. There were a few specific lyrics here and there that were worded a little poorly to fall on a rhyme and I’d be happy to nitpick specifics if you wished to hear them, but on the whole I found this a bold piece that struck an emotional chord and respectfully brought focus to a very real topical issue.

3. @Hug - “mm”
This was a lovely read, and I definitely enjoyed it for what it is. That is to say, it does definitely read more like a poetic letter or short story of sorts. I’m not going to critique you for what you haven’t done, but to me at least it seems like this would be a really fantastic source of inspiration to write a song from, but isn’t a song itself. I can’t really fault the words or the narrative though because it’s all very beautiful and touching. I noticed your concerns in the thread and I just want to remind you of how accomplished you are in these tournaments and this self-doubt is baseless and will only hold you back. I want to be candid with you and say this is good but I know you can do better: stronger and more refined. Even a small refrain such as in “Ronan” by Taylor Swift would have really helped glue the sections together and made the potential musicality shine through. Still a lovely piece all in all.

4. @Julia Fox - “endrophy”
I agree with the lyric, “this is a return to form”—it definitely is! Much like your earlier submission “Holy Ground”, while there were certainly parts I won’t claim to understand, I found the general vibe and message of this song crystal clear and well thought out. You played with lots of different structural techniques which was definitely part of the point of this challenge and had some real standout moments I think: the intro and outro were great, and the verses (the first three in particular) I found really charming and wonderful. I liked the additional usage of the bird motif throughout the song. The technique of the shifting chorus was clever for this challenge, although the wording of the lyrics lost me a little. The bridge was another great moment. All in all I’d say this is probably my favourite submission from you as of yet, and I do look forward to seeing what else you have to offer!

5. @OreGuy - “Simple As Red”
This was really something, I found it to be very honest and vulnerable and I respect you a lot for sharing this, assuming this has come from a real place of pain. There was a lot of clever writing in this piece: I enjoyed the first verse a lot, and the choruses counting down was a great addition. The bridge was fantastic, especially the lyric, “And I'd rather dance with the devil, than dance on my own”. Initially I was going to clock you for that outro as at a glance it appeared to be a text wall just for the sake of reaching the word count, but honestly?... I think it might be my favourite part of the whole song. Everything flowed really well, felt most honest and pure, and the nod back to the first verse and title was fantastic. All in all this is definitely my favourite submission of yours thus far. Nice work again!

6. @Remmy - “Nonstop Hardcore”
My cooch was NAWT prepared I fear. This was almost serving cupcakKe x Megan Thee Stallion? Like if “WAP” and “Duck Duck Goose” had an illegitimate, gay child. I don’t really love comparing the two seeing as this is a new round, but it’s hard not to use the now iconic “Flowerbloom” as a reference point, since it really did set the standard for explicit sex bops in Golden Hit out of the gate. I found that where “Flowerbloom” had many great one-liners, solid rhyming, and clever innuendos and a surprisingly nice use of imagery, this song entirely focused solely on the explicit sexual themes, which didn’t translate as well lyrically. Don’t get me wrong, there was still plenty to stan here: “Lick you like a plate, I'll get every crumb”, “S on my D like a plural noun”, “Screamin' so loud I took Jamie Lee's gig”, and the Will Smith reference/sample to name a few. With all of the music transitions and parenthesized lyrics I can tell you have really structured this like a song, however this doesn’t always make for the best experience when reading lyrics alone. Do I think this would be a massive bop? Yes! Would I stream? Yes! Have you outsold “Flowerbloom” yet? I fear not.

7. @Better Mistakes - “You Have Changed Me”
Why did, “count them yourself fatties,” make me scream? Chile anyways. There was something about this submission that felt so effortlessly songlike. It’s hard to describe, but that’s quite hard to execute successfully. The way the lyrics just flow from one to the next in a natural way that isn’t necessarily poetic or conversational but with such a strong sense of rhythm, I can definitely visualise this being a sung song. “I was the pipe in the piper’s hand / And you were the lead in the piper’s band“ was a wonderful early couplet, but there were many great moments afterwards, such as the third verse. As far as concepts go it might not have been the most unique, but you’ve used it wonderfully and written a well structured song that depicts someone going through the motions well, and the outro serves to reinforce their growth. A great step for you!

8. @Euterpe - “A Nymph’s Campfire Tale”
I love this title. This honestly felt a bit like a sister song to “Ley Lines” in a way, it was very earthy and mystical and definitely feels like it would belong on a project with that song. I don’t wish to repeat myself, but I feel similarly reading your song as I did with Hug’s: there’s a lot to like here and overall I did really enjoy it, but it does venture into that fantastical narration territory perhaps a little too far, although I will admit describing it as something sung theatrically around a bonfire is very apt and it absolutely could work in this context in a film or play or something of that sort. It’s new territory for me to judge honestly. The lyrics and story are well written and the concept overall is fresh and interesting, so nice work again.

9. @EpicSongFan - “Illusion of Lovin' You”
It was refreshing to see a more traditional song style with this one since so many opted to do away with structure in favour of more free form, chorus-less songs, which honestly wasn’t a requirement of the challenge. That said, I’m seeing a recurring theme in your songs which I would like to address: love and loss are two very common themes in writing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with using them, but one aspect of Golden Hit is to encourage experimentation and growth, and that’s going to be my main comment for you this week. The next couple rounds are going to be a good opportunity to find a really creative, unique angle and work around that, and I look forward to seeing you tackle this. As for this song specifically, there were some really great moments (“Cause now I’m stuck in a lovelorn cycle / Guess I’ll put my chances up to fate”), but a lot of it was rather familiar or predictable. I look forward to seeing your unique style shine through.

10. @Tylerbv - “Running in Circles”
You’ve definitely become an early favourite of mine (not that I play favourites) in the sense that I gravitate to the simplicity and honesty of your writing a lot—it never feels too overly poetic or unnecessarily fanciful and I genuinely enjoy that. With that said, as you mentioned in your other information section, this piece in particular did feel a lot more literal and rough than your other submissions. As a writer who often struggled in the past to separate accuracy regarding personal events from creativity when writing the best lyrics, I get it. Don’t be afraid to utilise poetic licence, though. Similarly to EpicSongFan’s submission, the concept is tried and true, but that also means we’ve seen a lot of these types of songs before and require something truly unique or unexpected to raise the bar. This was nice, but I look forward to seeing you experiment in the future!

11. @Augmented - “The Aisle”

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the elephant in the room...this is not a mess! Honestly, it’s one of the more refreshing concepts of the round and I enjoyed the atmosphere and mystery you had set up. If I’m honest, my main criticism is that it doesn’t provide much of a resolution—even after the bridge, I’m still not quite sure why they are going through with the wedding if they are so unhappy (I guess not to let everyone down?) but more importantly, it’s never really clarified why they are so unhappy in the first place? I was waiting for the big reveal or even subtle hints as to what may have transpired between the two that they feel trapped into going through with this wedding, but it never came. Definitely a solid concept from you and would have loved to see it fleshed out a little more.

 

12. @Arrows - “I Hope You're Satisfied Now”

There is definitely something about this challenge that is evoking certain emotions in y’all, opting for more serious political or personal themes about loss and opting for less conventional song structures. Honestly though, we kind of love to see it when it’s done so right. This was a really nice balance of conventional and unconventional, I found. The titular motif connected all of the verses really nicely without requiring a chorus, and the bridge was a welcome change of pace, even if it was so long it was basically a B-section to the verses’ A-section, but technicality aside, it worked. The outro was really lovely too and felt like a perfect end to the song, and I can imagine it being really atmospheric and haunting. I loved a lot of this, but my favourite moments had to be the “stalagmite” and “rose-colored glasses” lyrics/sections in the bridge. Love seeing you shine week after week!
 

13. @GentleDance - “You’ve Settled”

This was wonderful. You’ve definitely come into this tournament with a clear style and vision and it’s really wonderful to read your works week after week. I do feel like you may have taken some of the comments about the advanced vocabulary on board too—there’s still enough here for it to capture the essence of a GentleDance song that we’ve so quickly come to love, but the entire piece felt a little easier to connect to and relate to as a result of some of the more muted language choices. It’s a really good, dare I say perfect balance if I’m honest. This was one of the best examples of how to effectively use a chorus-less format of the round too, I’d say. My favourite verses were four and five most definitely, however eight and nine were also superb. “Rupture” might need to hold onto its wig if you keep serving excellence like this!

 

14. @Jackson - “Il Diavolo e Dio”

The word count and structural experimentation, oh my! The outline in your other information section made me think of “Happier Than Ever” a bit, the way the song kind of falls apart, and I like that you were inspired by a similar idea. This was certainly a huge departure from either “Bike Lane” or “DEEPFAKE”, in fact this tournament you are really having your diversity era which is nice to see. I think this was a very loaded piece and you’ve done a fantastic job of not making any sections come across as filler even while going well above and beyond the required word count. You did a fine job of showing the change in the narrator’s mental state throughout the song, although perhaps some elements of questioning could have been introduced as early as the second verse/chorus to transition into the bridge even more smoothly? All in all this was definitely one of the more conceptually ambitious pieces of the round and I continue to enjoy your experimentation, even though I still stan your tight, punchy, relatably emotive songs.
 

15. @Insanity - “Distraction”

Hmm we’re pushing that word count with all of those repeats in the pre-choruses. I kind of relate to this song today because I’ve been distracting myself while trying to write up reviews since in a way breaking up the day helps? I really liked your bridge in this, it was probably my favourite part of the song. Just doing little things to get your mind off of the issues that plague our lives day to day really does help, and is important to mention. Would have loved to see a few more of these little mundane aspects mentioned throughout as they all really do add up to create a sense of character and texture. This was probably my favourite entry of yours thus far so hopefully you can continue your upward trajectory!
 

16. @Achilles. - “The End of the World”

Okay, yeah, this is a magnum opus. I really loved this—it was topical, it was handled well (not necessarily delicately, but with the right amount of necessary tact while still having edge and impact), it was well-written and had a ridiculously strong chorus tying everything together perfectly (the addition of the “ocean floor” lyric in the second instance was a masterstroke!) There’s honestly very little I wish to fault here, I’m even willing to overlook the “hot day in December” lyric (most days in December are hot here n). The verses that followed the, “Let me tell you what I mean,” interlude had potential to come across as overly preachy, but didn’t too much—I think you achieved a good balance of preaching and genuine unrest. Fantastic submission.
 

17. @Legend E - “Joke”

I won’t lie, I kind of screamed a bit when you mentioned that your song was “pretty self explanatory” in the other information section, because I found myself questioning all throughout reading your song—this isn’t a bad thing. This song is obviously very personal to you and I think submitting something that you’ve really put a piece of yourself into is a certain type of bravery that is always worth commending. Your technical use of internal rhyming was on full display here and I loved that. I enjoyed the chorus and consider it the highlight of your song seeing as it has less of that artsy, ambiguous nature the verses have which constantly made me question if I was understanding them correctly. They were almost intimidating, but in a thought-provoking way. The bridge is chorus-tier and another great aspect of this song I connected with. I can’t say I connected with this song completely since I imagine it’s a very personal journey of yours, but it definitely made me stop and think and I enjoyed it more than your prior submission—”White Flag” however remains undefeated.
 

18. @Jessie - “The Sense of an Ending”

Whew, you captured my attention with that first lyric already. This was really gorgeous, in a haunting way. So many great one liners: “To be on fire is a luxury of the free”, “Sometimes at night I find it hard to breathe / Jasmine through my window smells like death to me”, “Why endure the anxiety of what’s to come? / When it’s easier to face what’s been and gone,” to name a few. The concept of the song was really refreshing in my opinion, I think we can all relate to those feelings of growing older and growing apart and never really being able to pinpoint a specific moment of when that happened, but it just... did. I think a chorus or small refrain might have gone well with this piece, honestly the “there was no sense of an ending,” lyric would have worked well utilised as such. That said this was still a really nice piece as-is, definitely my favourite of yours in this tournament thus far.
 

19. @mxtthewdelrey - “The Lease”

“Will my tears keep on flowing like average Welsh weather?” was kind of a showstopper. “I’m in pieces and I can’t find any peace,” was another great moment and a strong way to open your chorus, and the following titular lyric was powerful. I really don’t know what more I can say about this piece because it’s obviously a very personal and intimate subject and I feel privileged being authorised to read it. I’m very glad you both have each other but I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like dealing with these struggles on a daily basis. Thanks for clarifying the head-sock too, because that did perplex me a bit, but it works in context. I think this was an important piece for you to write and share, and as unenjoyable as the subject matter may be, I enjoyed the art it has spawned.
 

20. @Prisoner - “Crying in the back of a cab, and you're not.”

You kind of went off with this one, especially with that perfect intro. Although, did you mean, “twenty years your senior”? Assuming this has come from a real experience of yours, I am sorry to hear you’ve experienced adultery like this—and if it’s not a personal experience, you’ve done a wonderful job conveying the experience as if it were a lived one. I like how you’re not afraid to be explicit when it comes to convey jarring, strong emotions in your songwriting, and you always pull it off in a way that doesn’t feel unnatural or crass. Minor: “spinned” should be “spun”, and a few of your tenses didn’t align, but I’m nitpicking now. The bridge was quite intimate also and although I do think you could have conveyed the same intense emotions with some tighter lyricism, I do think the kind of accusatory, angry questioning vibe works in the instance. The outro was nice, but I can’t imagine any context where the cheating partner may be right. You, or whoever the narrator may be, definitely deserves to feel this way. I enjoyed this less refined side of you.
 

21. @TruGemini - “Fill”

I love that you’ve assumed the role of being the rap star of the season—sure, Remmy’s been getting ha flower(bloom)s too, but you’re both in different lanes and there’s definitely a place for you both here! This was really fun and completely different from most other entries. I think writing a rap was a great fit for this challenge since rap verses often are quite lengthy and you really need to commit to a good amount of lyrics to really make a rap track feel full and tight. While this was super fun, I really would love to see you take your rap prowess to the next level by tackling a more serious subject matter or angle rather than something fun as you’ve already proven you’re capable of. Golden Hit is definitely a great place to take a risk, and I think you’re ready for that now. Your rhyming and flow is there, you understand references and rap metaphors well, and I think applying these techniques to a strong, hard-hitting subject matter would be amazing.
 

22. @8thPrince - “Whipping Post”

Not the fish. “But if the opening”—should be “But in the opening”? Also “a ugly scar” should be “an ugly”—luckily for you we don’t mark down for failure to proofread but this is becoming a pattern n. I appreciate you submitting regardless. Typos aside, this was another well-written submission from you. I will say, the event that seems to have shaped the subject of this narrative’s outlook on life seems rather... minor? I’d presume many have been in situations where they are not forgiven for problems they’ve caused unintentionally, without the resulting lack of forgiveness completely shattering and transforming their worldview. Hmm. I guess that just means I agree with the narrator’s perspective, though. All in all, while I don’t consider this to be as strong as your last submissions (“Fraternite” is a tough act to follow, admittedly), there was still a certain charm to this and you obviously know what you are doing when it comes to writing.
 

23. @☆lex - “Weekenders”

This was really quite sad honestly, even though it read like an upbeat kind of pop track the whole way through. I loved the way you set the song out over the whole weekend from Saturday to Monday, that was really clever and a great use of the available space the extended word count provided. This was definitely a return to form I feel, I liked it as much if not more than “Warm Winter Wind”. Verse B1 was super strong, and that’s when I became really invested in the song. “I’m stuck inside a bitter heat / The alchemy of lust and envy,” was brilliant, as was the couplet that followed it. The rhyming was so effortless and nothing felt forced or unnatural. The outro was particularly emotive, and “I’m a day off when you’re restless / On your benders, your weekenders,” was a perfect titular lyric, and the sad reality setting in that the cycle isn’t broken just yet, and leaves one to question if it ever will. I like that you didn’t abandon traditional song structure either, you just tweaked things and added sections and made it your own while still making what I’d consider a pretty strong pop format.
 

24. @JoeAg - “Maladjusted”

I think you’ve officially seized GentleDance’s crown for most advanced vocabulary in a single song. This obviously isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not necessarily a good thing either. I gave you both similar critiques last week regarding word choice and language flaunting, and you have both reacted to it in opposing manners it would seem. Ultimately this is your writing and your choice and I won’t insist otherwise, but it does inhibit potential relatability or emotional attachment when (I would imagine, most) readers have to search up definitions of the more advanced language only to find a more commonly used and potentially equally eloquent alternative exists. If the purpose of the piece is to alienate, then it’s certainly done its job. I feel equal parts more intelligent and inferior after reading it. I will say, I think your skill as a writer is evident, and deserves to stand on its own without being reliant on elevated language to convey that. All in all, I think it’s amazing that you were able to come up with this in such a short period of time, and to your credit, it reveals that this style of writing honestly just comes most naturally to you.

[JoeAg]

27 minutes ago, Aurora said:

24. @JoeAg - “Maladjusted”

I think you’ve officially seized GentleDance’s crown for most advanced vocabulary in a single song. This obviously isn’t a bad thing, but it’s not necessarily a good thing either. I gave you both similar critiques last week regarding word choice and language flaunting, and you have both reacted to it in opposing manners it would seem. Ultimately this is your writing and your choice and I won’t insist otherwise, but it does inhibit potential relatability or emotional attachment when (I would imagine, most) readers have to search up definitions of the more advanced language only to find a more commonly used and potentially equally eloquent alternative exists. If the purpose of the piece is to alienate, then it’s certainly done its job. I feel equal parts more intelligent and inferior after reading it. I will say, I think your skill as a writer is evident, and deserves to stand on its own without being reliant on elevated language to convey that. All in all, I think it’s amazing that you were able to come up with this in such a short period of time, and to your credit, it reveals that this style of writing honestly just comes most naturally to you.

thank you for this critique 

i feel bad but this is generally the natural way i go about writing lyrics and poetry, because i like being able to stimulate and make people really analyze my lyrics. i like certain things to be up for interpretation and i get nervous that if i were to simplify my lyrical approach that it might sacrifice my individuality  but also with this challenge i felt like i really had to go all out and whip out all the tricks with my language, to make sure i didn’t get too repetitive with it being such a long song

[Legend E]

Thanks for the review @Aurora 

 

Not me peaking with my lead single! One-hit wonder teas

[Legend E]

Just now, Legend E said:

Thanks for the review @Aurora 

 

Not me peaking with my lead single! One-hit wonder teas

And yeah by self-explanatory I meant it is indeed more of a personal journey of different moments in time and people who...were not the kindest to me

[Galah]

8 minutes ago, JoeAg said:

thank you for this critique 

i feel bad but this is generally the natural way i go about writing lyrics and poetry, because i like being able to stimulate and make people really analyze my lyrics. i like certain things to be up for interpretation and i get nervous that if i were to simplify my lyrical approach that it might sacrifice my individuality  but also with this challenge i felt like i really had to go all out and whip out all the tricks with my language, to make sure i didn’t get too repetitive with it being such a long song

The last thing I'd want to do is make anyone feel bad—if your writing has purpose and you are happy with it, that's what matters most! We're just here to provide whatever insights and opinions we can, and when it comes to language you certainly don't need any pointers. I think it would be lovely if for even just one of the six rounds we could see a simpler side of your writing, but that's just my opinion, if you feel like doing so would be to the detriment of the piece ultimately that's your call to make and I'll respect that. I still gave you a pretty good score, but I gave a lot of entries pretty good scores this round as it was a super strong round overall.