ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 4, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted June 4, 2022 Oh interesting but difficult Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted June 4, 2022 Share Posted June 4, 2022 Why am I being slain by my own opening line like wow points were made Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arrows Posted June 4, 2022 Share Posted June 4, 2022 7 hours ago, fountain said: @Arrows - I Hope You’re Satisfied Now “I say things dramatically, but that never made them less true” ok punch me. From a lyrical standpoint, this is absolutely your strongest entry so far. What I love specifically is how personal you’ve made the song, with all of these direct details; I don’t know if they are conversations or things that have actually happened or if you have conceived this for your entry, but regardless it all adds so much personality to the song. The thing is in writing, there are so many people writing so many songs, there’s always going to be overlap in themes and in the emotion that is trying to be put across in writing, but thanks to how personal and unique to the situation you have made this song, it doesn’t end up falling into that area of “I’ve heard something like this before”. Since you’ve done it so well here my advice for the future would be to use this as an example of how to imbue your song with personality, so that even if you are writing about the most generic of themes your song can still stand out and have its merit thanks to this use of emotive detail. Overall, it’s hard to say because I’ve enjoyed each of your songs, but I think this may be the best so far. Another great job from you, can’t wait to see more! Thank you so much! It was definitely taken straight from personal experience, as with all my other entries so far I’m the most happy about the first and last parts of the song though, if anyone’s interested here it is: I Hope You’re Satisfied Now Spoiler (Verse 1) I believed in your stories of sleep deprivation . I did so at first, deluded by pride . Don’t you mention your studies, your stress, lack of time . If you just didn’t want to, deep inside . I know what you’ll keep on insisting . But trust me, it’s no help for me . That your ego prefers that I miss you . And hates that I heal . Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. . (Verse 2) Maybe it’s me being stupid, planning presents for Christmas After a month of entrancing late-summer nights But maybe it’s you getting choked on that silvery spoon You’re so busy stuffing deep down your mouth I hope that you’re out there impressing When you’re playing paddle and pool When you’re playing that act of achievement So big and so cool Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. (Verse 3) I know it’s predictable, making an enemy Out of the one that you once made yours But you give me no choice when what you’re making me is… Nothing at all So dear Mr. “never been rejected” I hope that you’re satisfied now The naivest devotee of yours Has been pushed aside Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. (Outro) Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you say to a new guy that you’ve never felt anything for no one before Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you sit in the dark at Deloitte on a Friday, cutting those deals as it cuts in your soul Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When your Mother admits she’s happy to have you, for dinner, for good and all for herself Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When your legs shake beneath you, decades from now, when you compare what you’ve got to what you once had Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you realize the love for yourself is the only one you’ll ever accept Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted June 4, 2022 Share Posted June 4, 2022 7 hours ago, fountain said: @Hug - mm I think in terms of the type of song you’ve went for you’ve pulled it off brilliantly, and structurally this is really the type of song I was hoping for this round. Thematically it’s obviously very emotive and a touching story, of course it’s hard not to read this and feel it in your heart, so great job achieving that. The first part specifically, when it's looking back at all of the things in the past, that’s an absolute 10/10 there. What I loved about it specifically was the details, you can get the same message across in a much more generic way but in the way you’ve done it you’ve imbued it with so much detail that the story truly feels real, it paints a full picture of these scenes and gives you all these sentimental things to attach to. In another situation you could have left these things out and it would still be emotive, but it’s these specifics that make the song and the story more unique and acts as an emotional anchor to the song, so great job with all of that. The latter part where it’s the narrator reflecting on how they feel now, I felt that part could’ve been a little shorter (the 6th and 7th verses could be removed and it would not have much of an impact), specifically because once you go from all of that very detailed backstory, to a section which is more standard and lacking uniqueness like that, it doesn’t totally live up to the highs of the first part, but it does of course complete the story and put a finish to what was a fantastic entry. So I suppose if there’s any advice that I am supposed to offer you from this, it’s to make every part of the song really count, especially in a challenge like this where we are asking for songs of a certain length, if parts could be left out and considered filler-y then they could use an edit to make them more crucial to your entry, but obviously I gather from your posts that this was not an ideal challenge for you so I understand if that was just overlooked and more so just to get to the word count. But overall, despite liking or not liking the challenge you’ve done a really great job, this is my favourite entry from you thus far. So I realized I meant to reply to this, and I was thinking about what you said as I went on a walk earlier...I think you're absolutely correct. The more I look at how the last bit of my song was executed, the more I realize I had untapped potential there. I even gave myself an absolute wealth of stuff to work with in the context of my own song, and I simply didn't take it. I understand completely how the latter parts could be enhanced, and I may have to revisit this and rewrite the latter half to maybe realize that potential. I really didn't even consider it until you pointed it out, either, so thank you a lot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lex Posted June 4, 2022 Share Posted June 4, 2022 40 minutes ago, Arrows said: Thank you so much! It was definitely taken straight from personal experience, as with all my other entries so far I’m the most happy about the first and last parts of the song though, if anyone’s interested here it is: I Hope You’re Satisfied Now Reveal hidden contents (Verse 1) I believed in your stories of sleep deprivation . I did so at first, deluded by pride . Don’t you mention your studies, your stress, lack of time . If you just didn’t want to, deep inside . I know what you’ll keep on insisting . But trust me, it’s no help for me . That your ego prefers that I miss you . And hates that I heal . Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. . (Verse 2) Maybe it’s me being stupid, planning presents for Christmas After a month of entrancing late-summer nights But maybe it’s you getting choked on that silvery spoon You’re so busy stuffing deep down your mouth I hope that you’re out there impressing When you’re playing paddle and pool When you’re playing that act of achievement So big and so cool Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. (Verse 3) I know it’s predictable, making an enemy Out of the one that you once made yours But you give me no choice when what you’re making me is… Nothing at all So dear Mr. “never been rejected” I hope that you’re satisfied now The naivest devotee of yours Has been pushed aside Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. (Outro) Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you say to a new guy that you’ve never felt anything for no one before Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you sit in the dark at Deloitte on a Friday, cutting those deals as it cuts in your soul Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When your Mother admits she’s happy to have you, for dinner, for good and all for herself Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When your legs shake beneath you, decades from now, when you compare what you’ve got to what you once had Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you realize the love for yourself is the only one you’ll ever accept Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. Wow that line fountain quoted definitely hits hard, that’s gonna stick with me really cool outro with the montage of details too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessie Posted June 4, 2022 Share Posted June 4, 2022 I am stanning the theme for the next challenge, although it’s funny because I ended up using the 500 words this week to tell a personal story of queer love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessie Posted June 4, 2022 Share Posted June 4, 2022 1 hour ago, Arrows said: Thank you so much! It was definitely taken straight from personal experience, as with all my other entries so far I’m the most happy about the first and last parts of the song though, if anyone’s interested here it is: I Hope You’re Satisfied Now Reveal hidden contents (Verse 1) I believed in your stories of sleep deprivation . I did so at first, deluded by pride . Don’t you mention your studies, your stress, lack of time . If you just didn’t want to, deep inside . I know what you’ll keep on insisting . But trust me, it’s no help for me . That your ego prefers that I miss you . And hates that I heal . Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. . (Verse 2) Maybe it’s me being stupid, planning presents for Christmas After a month of entrancing late-summer nights But maybe it’s you getting choked on that silvery spoon You’re so busy stuffing deep down your mouth I hope that you’re out there impressing When you’re playing paddle and pool When you’re playing that act of achievement So big and so cool Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. (Verse 3) I know it’s predictable, making an enemy Out of the one that you once made yours But you give me no choice when what you’re making me is… Nothing at all So dear Mr. “never been rejected” I hope that you’re satisfied now The naivest devotee of yours Has been pushed aside Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. (Outro) Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you say to a new guy that you’ve never felt anything for no one before Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you sit in the dark at Deloitte on a Friday, cutting those deals as it cuts in your soul Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When your Mother admits she’s happy to have you, for dinner, for good and all for herself Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When your legs shake beneath you, decades from now, when you compare what you’ve got to what you once had Yeah, I hope you’ll be satisfied When you realize the love for yourself is the only one you’ll ever accept Yeah, I hope you’re satisfied now. The structure of your song is a slay too, it’s the thing I struggle with most and the title line keeps slapping as a result Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 4, 2022 Author Share Posted June 4, 2022 Have just a few more reviews left to do, I should hopefully be able to finish them all tonight but if I’m not able to I’ll keep everybody updated. Reminder, round three results will be tomorrow, and I’ll be hosting them this time I’ll probably be looking to do them around 8PM EDT, but I’ll make a post tomorrow letting everybody know the time for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 Today is going to be a day of creativity! I am going to get these reviews done as well as several other creative tingz, hopefully. In the meantime, I wanted to share a song I wrote five years ago (just saying that makes me feel ancient) that would fit both last week's ATW10MVTVFTV challenge and the current Queer Pride challenge, to perhaps get some of the creative juices flowing. This song was written from two perspectives, attempting to channel both courageous and fearful individual voices. It was written as a duet, so the regular parts are written from the first (fearful) perspective, while the italicised parts are written from the second (courageous) perspective. The final lyric is sung together to highlight the very different meanings behind the identical lyrics. I hope y'all like it! “17” first verse Staring into space beyond the window of the bus Reminiscing days of when I knew who I could trust Seventeen and you’re the only thing I’ve figured out Lost within my thoughts until I nearly miss my house Searching for composure as I’m walking up the drive This could be the most important moment of my life Still so undecided if it’s something I should do But I’m tired of the hiding and alive when I’m with you first pre-chorus Tiptoe past the creaky porch and slide my key inside the door Locked in hesitation from a fate that calls my name first chorus I’ve waited for the perfect time But perfect moments don’t exist There’ll never be a better night To open up my heart like this I take a breath and clear my throat I stutter, stammer, start to choke When mother asks if I’m okay I look her in the face and say I’m… second verse Talkin’ to myself here on the gravel trail home Trying to prepare for the entire conversation Seventeen and you’re the only thing I wanna know I don’t even care who’s overhearing what I’m sayin’ None of this is easy but they oughta know the truth Guessin’ I’ll be tough enough to handle all the fighting Finally decided that it’s what I’ve gotta do ‘Cause I’m tired of the hiding but alive when I’m with you second pre-chorus Hurry past my bedroom door and throw my backpack on the floor Feels like I’m awakened by a fate that calls my name second chorus I’ve waited for the perfect time But perfect moments don’t exist There’ll never be a better night To open up my heart like this I take a breath and clear my throat Rehearsing each scenario When mama asks if I’m okay I look her in the face and say I’m… middle eight Sorry that I froze, but really what did you expect? I’ve never been the type to conquer stressful situations Sorry that my honesty’s a truth they can’t accept I’m left without a home and told I’m destined for damnation This is what I’ll tell you when I see you in the morning This is what I’ll tell you when I reach your house at midnight Hear a knock and catch your silhouette beneath the awning Broken like your bell and spirit dimmer than your porch light bridge I ask you why you’re here so late Then see the teardrops on your face I walked for miles and braved the cold I’m left with nowhere else to go You still assume that I’ve told mine Perhaps they took the news just fine I close my eyes and take a breath I guess you haven’t told them yet I hear the sound of creaking stairs I know that noise, somebody’s there Your parents suddenly appear They wonder what you’re doing here I still decide to share our truth And tell them I’m in love with you My mother gasps in clear distress When asked if true, I answer… “No.” outro I closed the door on us that night you closed the door on me Your answer hurt me harder than the concrete where I sleep Of all the words I’ve ever said I taste our last the most It comes to me in dreams at night and won’t leave me alone I still replay my mama’s final words inside my mind I know that mother wouldn’t say this if she knew the truth With hatred in her eyes, with loving in her smile “What’d I ever do to deserve a son like you.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 I am really in my Paula Abdul era with this round’s judging Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 17 minutes ago, Aurora said: Today is going to be a day of creativity! I am going to get these reviews done as well as several other creative tingz, hopefully. In the meantime, I wanted to share a song I wrote five years ago (just saying that makes me feel ancient) that would fit both last week's ATW10MVTVFTV challenge and the current Queer Pride challenge, to perhaps get some of the creative juices flowing. This song was written from two perspectives, attempting to channel both courageous and fearful individual voices. It was written as a duet, so the regular parts are written from the first (fearful) perspective, while the italicised parts are written from the second (courageous) perspective. The final lyric is sung together to highlight the very different meanings behind the identical lyrics. I hope y'all like it! Hide contents “17” first verse Staring into space beyond the window of the bus Reminiscing days of when I knew who I could trust Seventeen and you’re the only thing I’ve figured out Lost within my thoughts until I nearly miss my house Searching for composure as I’m walking up the drive This could be the most important moment of my life Still so undecided if it’s something I should do But I’m tired of the hiding and alive when I’m with you first pre-chorus Tiptoe past the creaky porch and slide my key inside the door Locked in hesitation from a fate that calls my name first chorus I’ve waited for the perfect time But perfect moments don’t exist There’ll never be a better night To open up my heart like this I take a breath and clear my throat I stutter, stammer, start to choke When mother asks if I’m okay I look her in the face and say I’m… second verse Talkin’ to myself here on the gravel trail home Trying to prepare for the entire conversation Seventeen and you’re the only thing I wanna know I don’t even care who’s overhearing what I’m sayin’ None of this is easy but they oughta know the truth Guessin’ I’ll be tough enough to handle all the fighting Finally decided that it’s what I’ve gotta do ‘Cause I’m tired of the hiding but alive when I’m with you second pre-chorus Hurry past my bedroom door and throw my backpack on the floor Feels like I’m awakened by a fate that calls my name second chorus I’ve waited for the perfect time But perfect moments don’t exist There’ll never be a better night To open up my heart like this I take a breath and clear my throat Rehearsing each scenario When mama asks if I’m okay I look her in the face and say I’m… middle eight Sorry that I froze, but really what did you expect? I’ve never been the type to conquer stressful situations Sorry that my honesty’s a truth they can’t accept I’m left without a home and told I’m destined for damnation This is what I’ll tell you when I see you in the morning This is what I’ll tell you when I reach your house at midnight Hear a knock and catch your silhouette beneath the awning Broken like your bell and spirit dimmer than your porch light bridge I ask you why you’re here so late Then see the teardrops on your face I walked for miles and braved the cold I’m left with nowhere else to go You still assume that I’ve told mine Perhaps they took the news just fine I close my eyes and take a breath I guess you haven’t told them yet I hear the sound of creaking stairs I know that noise, somebody’s there Your parents suddenly appear They wonder what you’re doing here I still decide to share our truth And tell them I’m in love with you My mother gasps in clear distress When asked if true, I answer… “No.” outro I closed the door on us that night you closed the door on me Your answer hurt me harder than the concrete where I sleep Of all the words I’ve ever said I taste our last the most It comes to me in dreams at night and won’t leave me alone I still replay my mama’s final words inside my mind I know that mother wouldn’t say this if she knew the truth With hatred in her eyes, with loving in her smile “What’d I ever do to deserve a son like you.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OreGuy Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 7 hours ago, Better Mistakes said: Bestie Are you submitting a fun bop too? I'll try i've been submitting sad songs, i fear it's time to lighten up and celebrate being gay i know you will serve as i've heard before and can't wait for the judges to see that too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 Oh my god you all really deserve better lovers :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 1 hour ago, fountain said: I am really in my Paula Abdul era with this round’s judging i was just going back and trying to collect scores for my Diamond Hit songs and thought it would be fun to read back some reviews of my favorite songs, but NOPE. we used to be so mean for no reason. @Temporal would call me ugly and untalented to my face and then give me a 9. meanwhile i'll get universal praise here and place 13th - tbh i think i like this style better for where i am in my life now but i used to look forward to being ripped to shreds every week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentleDance Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 6 minutes ago, fountain said: Oh my god you all really deserve better lovers :/ In my case, it's all fiction, let's just say that getting myself a male lover would land me in jail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 (edited) Round 3: The ATW10MVTVFTV Challenge THANKS FOR THE BEST ROUND YET, MY PAULA ABDUL REVIEWS ARE ALL COMPLETE. Hurray for another great round of songwriting! Thank you to everybody who submitted, this was definitely the tougher of the challenges so far but I hope being pushed outside of your box like this ultimately was a useful and learning experience, and that you are proud of what you created this round! Don’t worry, next round I think will be more universal. DatChickDoe - Days Spill on Like Blood So you’re actually like nine words short of 500, but that’s very minor so it won’t be anything worth penalising in my opinion, but it should be noted. Your song is obviously extremely timely and very inspired by recent events, and the truth is it can be very hard with songs tackling themes of this nature especially when they are so fresh in the mind and raw. That said, I think you did a very good job with it. While it can be hard and all of those things, I think what you created here was very eloquent and quite the statement piece. It’s the type of thing that I can hear read out as performance art, at a protest or something. It’s powerful. The verse about the Buffalo shooting was particularly moving, and I think structurally it worked well as the whole song kind of built up to that moment, and then afterwards you have the verses which are more about reflection, and I thought that was a really smart choice. Ultimately, I think you’ve done a wonderful job, sure it’s a few words short but the song is very hard hitting, and I have to say it’s amazing seeing another huge leap in growth with you, you should certainly be proud. I am hoping to see you in that top ten this time! Hug - mm I think in terms of the type of song you’ve went for you’ve pulled it off brilliantly, and structurally this is really the type of song I was hoping for this round. Thematically it’s obviously very emotive and a touching story, of course it’s hard not to read this and feel it in your heart, so great job achieving that. The first part specifically, when it's looking back at all of the things in the past, that’s an absolute 10/10 there. What I loved about it specifically was the details, you can get the same message across in a much more generic way but in the way you’ve done it you’ve imbued it with so much detail that the story truly feels real, it paints a full picture of these scenes and gives you all these sentimental things to attach to. In another situation you could have left these things out and it would still be emotive, but it’s these specifics that make the song and the story more unique and acts as an emotional anchor to the song, so great job with all of that. The latter part where it’s the narrator reflecting on how they feel now, I felt that part could’ve been a little shorter (the 6th and 7th verses could be removed and it would not have much of an impact), specifically because once you go from all of that very detailed backstory, to a section which is more standard and lacking uniqueness like that, it doesn’t totally live up to the highs of the first part, but it does of course complete the story and put a finish to what was a fantastic entry. So I suppose if there’s any advice that I am supposed to offer you from this, it’s to make every part of the song really count, especially in a challenge like this where we are asking for songs of a certain length, if parts could be left out and considered filler-y then they could use an edit to make them more crucial to your entry, but obviously I gather from your posts that this was not an ideal challenge for you so I understand if that was just overlooked and more so just to get to the word count. But overall, despite liking or not liking the challenge you’ve done a really great job, this is my favourite entry from you thus far. Hurricane326 - Fight This a wonderfully powerful, poetic and inspiring entry. People need to hear words like this right now, this literally is art, the type that not just your country but the world at large need. I don’t really have any criticism or anything much to comment on because you said what needs to be said, and you said it brilliantly. In my opinion I would say this is your best entry so far, you’ve been poetic in the past and have had really beautiful lyrics but I think everything came together here; and, I think you took the feedback I gave toward your last entry about how it needed context to understand previously, and here you’ve created something that can fully stand on its own and remains poetic while also having its message and meaning being clear, so amazing job. Julia Fox - endrophy I think you executed the challenge very well, structurally your song is very nice and it flows in a nice way too, so I think you have embraced and took on the challenge well. I think that on the lyrical side this maybe could have used a bit more editing or reworking. There are some parts that I really enjoy, but there are some parts that also get a bit muddy, where the imagery and the message you are trying to put across get muddled and it feels ultimately kind of confused; for example the lines “I can feel the air caressing my skin, it feels so good inside of me”… do you have skin on your insides? The point ultimately becomes confusing because something seems lost in the execution of the image you were going for. I think overall you’ve written a nice empowerment song, and it’s unique because your writing is unique and I like that, but there are other examples that I can point out that maybe could have used rethinking - in the second bridge you say “who cares when you feel the vibrations”, and whatever these vibrations are supposed to be are never talked about prior or after this line, so ultimately I am not sure what it adds to the song, it’s a nice idea but it hasn’t been expanded upon at all so in the overall song it ultimately becomes a filler line and there are a few like this throughout the song which leaves it feeling somewhat disjointed as an overall piece. I love your writing but my advice for the future would be to try and make the story you are telling and the imagery and metaphors you use as comprehensive as possible. OreGuy - Simple As Red This feels like such a huge growth! I think this is the most poetic song I have ever read from you. I really, really enjoyed reading it. I think overall it’s a very touching song but the verses and particularly the outro blew me away, your writing in those sections truly excelled and I think you should be very proud of what you have written here. The outro specifically just made me so happy, I mean not from the lyrics themselves because obviously they are very emotional, but your writing there was just so good, it felt very confessional but also very wise and understanding, it can be hard to write in that style as laying things down like that can come across messy because of the amount of emotion but you executed it perfectly and that section just left me so impressed. I would love to see you working with this style again because I absolutely loved it. I think you should be really proud of this song, you’ve done a fantastic job with this challenge. Remmy - Nonstop Hardcore NOT THE GIF!!!!! I think it’s tricky with songs like this, when every line is a reiteration of the same point (the point being: “I want sex”) is can kind of get boring at a point, the shock wears off, and I think this is especially the case when you’ve already submitted another entry in the same vein. But you… you little *****… you are just a poet, and somehow you pull it off, because I don’t know how you come up with this stuff, but it is genius. This is a viral hit waiting to happen (also probably viral in other ways but perhaps let’s not dwell on that) and, yup, you’ve done it again. You had me laughing again at certain lines, specific honourable mentions are “reverse birth, bout to brown, ass clean, no brown” and “he do sign language while his hand up my *****”, I mean that really speaks to the soul and the important issues, right? I don’t really know what more to say about this but… your mind… your depraved, genius mind. Better Mistakes - You Have Changed Me “Ain’t it funny that you hurt me and yet, I’m the one here who’s changed” OUCH. That line hit hard, damn. I think this is definitely my favourite entry of yours so far. The song is insanely relatable, I mean I’m pretty sure everybody has felt themselves in a position similar to this before, and you’ve done a really good job of taking that emotion and creating a song out of it, so great job. I also think this is the entry that has shown off your writing the most so far, I would love if in the future rounds you could attempt something like this again because I really enjoyed seeing your writing flourish like this, that like I quoted specifically was a total revelation but there were also many more in the song which themselves were nice. Overall I think you’ve shown some huge growth here, I think you should be proud of having written this song and I’m definitely hoping to see you higher up on the rankings this round, you deserve it! Euterpe - A Nymph’s Campfire Tale This song is so poetic and the imagery is so lush. It was just so lovely to read and to be transported to this world of the Nymph’s that you have crafted. Really beautiful work. I like that this feels quite open to interpretation, I can keep reading it again and again and come to different conclusions, find new things and create altering theories, and I love that in writing and in a song, and if you are going for that I think you have executed it perfectly. If I did have one criticism, which really isn’t a criticism but rather something that I suppose I just hoped for, it is that I felt like the verses themselves could have been a little longer, it felt at times as though a verse would end just as it was settling upon an idea, and then it would move onto the next verse. I don’t know if this is by design but it left me wanting more, it was very alluring, and that’s not specifically a bad thing because it is also quite smart in how it keeps the intrigue high in the song and keeps you going on and wanting to read more, but it can also sometimes be tricky to pull off so that’s just something to bare in mind, I think it worked here but in another situation it could have felt lacking. Overall another very strong entry from you, I am loving reading your writing and really can’t wait to see more! EpicSongFan - Illusion of Lovin’ You I’m kinda getting Mariah from your song again, I can definitely hear her singing this! I think overall this is a really solid, nice song. The subject matter is pretty relatable, and I like the way you’ve tackled it; specifically you’ve used the challenge and the extra word count to tell a complete story, truly looking deep into the feelings of said illusion of love and then also progressing the story and completing it with the act of moving on at the end. If there is any advice that I would look to offer you it’s that maybe next round could be a switch up in terms of theme, I’ve really liked both of these last two songs but they’ve had similar themes and have looked at both sides of love, and I think in the future I’d like to see you explore other concepts again, not necessarily something similar to Scorching Memory again but I think you’ve tackled these two songs centering on love very well, and perhaps now we can see you take things in another direction next time, or even incorporating multiple themes into a song. At the same time though, you’ve executed these love related songs very well, so you could also stick to them if you wanted and continue exploring the area if you find unique ways to look at it, entirely up to you. Knowing what the next challenge is, I’m interested to see how you explore it. Overall a good job again this round! Tylerbv - Running in Circles This is a really interesting song… it walks the line and I’m not sure if you meant for it more to be like a declaration of love, or a cry for help, but personally I found it quite sad. It’s relatable because I feel like I’ve been in a position before where somebody has made me feel like this… on a personal level I’m hoping for the best for you, because this sounds quite toxic, and I would love it if you could be a bit more empowered, and get out of this situation, but really… I’ve been there and I feel this. It really sucks. I don’t really have any lyrical critiques because like you said it’s more like a confessional and outpouring song and I believe you executed that style well in putting across the differing emotions in a situation like this, which could otherwise be hard to do. It’s not a poetic or metaphorical song, but it still made me thoughtful, because the situation is tricky. If I were to be nit picky, I would point out that the word count is mostly filled out by repetition, so I think structurally you probably could have embraced the challenge more and it might have been even more interesting if the song lacked those repeating parts and instead just had more of your confessional thoughts. But, overall I think this is a very solid entry and probably my favourite from you so far, you really did make me feel these complex emotions in an interesting way and it resulted in a very melancholic and reflective mood. Augmented - The Aisle You called your song a mess but I really don’t think it is. I love how you executed the challenge, the altering chorus and pre chorus was used very well, and overall you’ve managed to tell a really vivid story. Something that I like specifically, which feels like a conscious choice, is that you never reveal specifically why the person getting married feels this way, with what happened to them and what the other person has done. I feel like you’ve cleverly avoided heading into melodramatic territory by obscuring these details, since there is already the drama of it taking place at a wedding ceremony and being about this heavy emotion, revealing further dramatic details may have ended up taking away from the poignancy and made it seem less real, but you’ve struck a very clever balance here with the way you have written the song which is really a good display of control; that, sometimes, less can be more, and you’ve used that idea well. The song is kept intriguing and also emotive thanks to this and I think these are signs of a good writer, even if you weren’t specifically thinking of these things when writing it, you’ve still subconsciously achieved it. Overall, I think your doubt in your entry is misplaced, as I have really enjoyed it. Good job. Arrows - I Hope You’re Satisfied Now “I say things dramatically, but that never made them less true” ok punch me. From a lyrical standpoint, this is absolutely your strongest entry so far. What I love specifically is how personal you’ve made the song, with all of these direct details; I don’t know if they are conversations or things that have actually happened or if you have conceived this for your entry, but regardless it all adds so much personality to the song. The thing is in writing, there are so many people writing so many songs, there’s always going to be overlap in themes and in the emotion that is trying to be put across in writing, but thanks to how personal and unique to the situation you have made this song, it doesn’t end up falling into that area of “I’ve heard something like this before”. Since you’ve done it so well here my advice for the future would be to use this as an example of how to imbue your song with personality, so that even if you are writing about the most generic of themes your song can still stand out and have its merit thanks to this use of emotive detail. Overall, it’s hard to say because I’ve enjoyed each of your songs, but I think this may be the best so far. Another great job from you, can’t wait to see more! @GentleDance - You’ve Settled I have to say, your writing is such a beauty. The way you string your lines together, the poetic nature of it all and the lens with which you view scenes, it’s art. You’re so eloquent and such a poet, I really would read anything you write. It’s kind of astounding, still, that you are such a new writer. I don’t know if you’ve longed to try writing for some time, or if this is just some new endeavor on a whim, but it’s remarkable that this is what you create. If you can’t tell, I really love the song. But most specifically I love your writing. You really have a writer’s eye, or rather a writer’s mind, and you create songs which to me, when I read them, play out like stunning plays in my mind, and this song is no different. So vivid, so enticing and alluring. I don’t have any specific remark or anything to really offer as advice, because you clearly know what you are doing. I’m just incredibly happy that this game has been able to exist as an outlet for you to create these fantastic songs. Keep doing what you are doing, because it is brilliant. @Jackson - Il Diavolo e Dio I don’t know if there are words, really. I think this transcended expectation, it was above songwriting and was more like a short story. There’s storytelling songs, and then there exists this, which just feels so beyond anything I’ve read in that vein before. This is truly another level. I don’t know what Stardust is anymore because this is now the best thing you’ve ever written. This is, like, absurdly strong. This isn’t a poetic song, this is actual poetry. I’m really just blown away. And again it’s so different from your other entries and such an example of how you can adapt and take on different styles, and not just succeed in them but excel in them, particularly in this case. Thanks for making me finally break out the 10s I suppose. @Insanity - Distraction You know what… I think this challenge worked out perfectly for you. I think this is kind of a revelation and a huge growing moment for you in my eyes because this is absolutely the best entry you have sent so far in this game. The longer word count has definitely given room for your writing to shine and I would definitely encourage you to try and continue to write in this vein as I believe this song has really shown your lyricism off much more highly compared to your other entries. I think you should definitely be proud of having written this and I see it as a huge sign of improvement, it’s genuinely a great song. If I were to offer any advice for the future, your entries thus far have had similar themes revolving, and I think now might be a good time to try and move on to writing about other themes and taking on different concepts. Of course, this ultimately is a choice up to you, but I think with the success that this song is you have done a great job with exploring this theme and now it might be nice to see something else from you, also. Overall, a really good job this round and I really do hope that you are happy with and proud of this song. @Achilles.. - The End of the World This is a really powerful song and a great commentary on many issues. What I specifically like the most about your entry is that you set it up as if this is all existing as some fantasy world, where the sun rises from the west, and street signs are upside down… that was genius because harking home so much about real life issues can ultimately come to a sum that might feel one note, but I think this introduction and background of a more fantastical approach really was a smart choice and highly benefited your song. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy the more down to Earth parts, the section that you spoke about where everything gets real and you just have to say how bad things really are - because they are - is also an absolute highlight and I think you executed it really well. This combination of both the questioning and fantasy aspect, as well as the down to earth truth and pain, makes for a really complex and well written entry overall. I would say it is my favourite from you so far. A great job. @Legend E - Joke This is definitely a return to form after last round. The museum and painting imagery and central theme to the song was used extremely well, particularly in aid of your story which was looking back at all of these things, and having them looked back at paintings or pieces of art is really quite a beautiful idea, specifically when you consider that these are not actually what would traditionally be “beautiful moments” but presenting them as paintings in a way does help make them seem somewhat beautiful in a dark way, and it’s a really nice mix of emotion. It was fun trying to picture what the art piece for each verse would look like, I don’t know if you actually meant for that to be something we would do while reading the song, but I found it engaging and a nice added layer to the song. Lyrically I think you have shown yourself to be a strong writer again, and in a situation like this where the imagery aids your song rather than hinders it, we can see that and appreciate it again. If I were to be nit picky, the beginning of every verse where you use a different version of the phrase “and then…” was kind of serving thesaurus’d, as if you had looked up all the different ways you could say the same phrase without repeating yourself, and it makes that beginning part sound a little unnatural as if those synonyms are forced in so that you don’t repeat. I actually think if you had repeated the same exact line with only little alterations, then it would have come across more smoothly, but again this is a massive nit pick and just me trying to offer any constructive feedback I can. I think overall you’ve bounced back from last round’s misstep in a great way, so good job! @Jessie - The Sense of an Ending “Failure didn’t end with me and you” whew I loved that. I thought this was a really beautiful song. I have to applaud you on your use of your title in the song, it only appears twice but both instances are such strong moments and I love how you’ve used it in two different ways as a double entendre, first with having no sense of the relationship ending, and then at the end with having no sense of the love ending after the relationship has; I thought that was really beautiful and cleverly done. The themes you dealt with here were really touching, and they definitely resonated with me, there is this overall very melancholic but also somewhat nostalgic lens to the song and I thought you embodied these emotions in your writing quite well. I believe that this is your strongest entry so far and I’ve seen growth and improvements every round, and this is my favourite you have delivered so far and you should definitely be proud of having written this. Lovely job this round. @mxtthewdelrey - The Lease “Will my tears keep flowing like average Welsh weather?” I love this line but they better not! This song is so sad though I mean really just punch me in the gut instead please :( I think it’s one of if not the most directly moving songs that I have read from you. What I like is that it remains in your typical charm, but also touches on so many emotional bases. I love how you take unconventional items, like a head sock, and give them so much personality and meaning, it’s really beautiful. I also love how you don’t feel the need to cover up or hide behind any fancy writing techniques, either. You're direct with your pain and your sadness, and that in itself is a huge display of strength worth applauding, but it also works well as a stylistic choice to make your song unique. Overall another great entry from you, I truly believe we are in the mxtthewdelrey renaissance era. @Prisoner - Crying in the back of a cab, and you’re not. “You might have been right in context” um judging from the nature of the song I’m here to tell you it really seems like he wasn’t! This is a very emotive and well written song, and I have to say again it was those more edgier and explicit parts of the song that stood out to me again, I know I mentioned in your last review that I’d like to see more like that and I don’t know if you specifically kept that in mind while writing this, but I appreciate that style coming out again! Honestly, if this is coming from a personal place you should send this to the person who it is about because they deserve this dragging. That direct choice with the lyrics and the fact that they are referred to as “you” really aids the reading experience and makes it much more powerful while reading so that was a great choice. There’s probably less standout lyrics for me in this one as opposed to your other entries, but I feel that this one specifically is more about the story and the emotion as opposed to pretty lyrics, and that’s a perfectly valid choice that I think worked well for this type of song. Overall another strong entry from you, keep up the good work! @TruGemini - Fill As usual your lyricism is tight and so enjoyable to read, it always pours off the page but specifically with this one I can just totally hear it, you really have a skill for writing in a way that is resonant on a musical level. Your world play and references and humour in the song is so fun, it’s definitely a light hearted song and I appreciated it, but now I am kind of pining for and wondering what a song from you in a more serious vein may look like. I’m pretty certain that this song would be a banger and lines like “vodka shoot you off to the future like Phil” are so good they have viral potential to be honest. Overall another really nice entry from you, if I do have any advice it’s that it might be cool to see something from you in the future which goes down a more conceptual route, I’d be really interested to see how you worked something like that with your style. We get a lot of entries with so many themes ranging from lighthearted but also some very heavy, personal and conceptual stuff and your songs thus far have acted as very nice breaks from that and it’s been refreshing, but in terms of feedback if I am to offer you any you could try and embrace themes more like that and see how it can influence and help your writing grow; not that you need to change your writing, but that incorporating more outside the box ideas alongside your style could lead to a very interesting outcome. @8thPrince - Whipping Post What is so special about your writing is that you can take uncommon things that typically wouldn’t be used and have no specific meaning to them at all, like a whipping post, and you can turn it into the centerpiece of your song is such a stunning way and give it so much personality and emotional, that really is such a strength that you have as a writer. This is definitely another very strong entry from you, I found the story here and the perseverance of love, and the focus on this as a theme, to be really touching. You also have given it so much unique stunning imagery, from the smashing window, the boot prints, and of course the embrace like a whipping post. Very, very solid. I don’t know what I can really offer you in terms of critique or advice; you have your own sense of style that you pull off wonderfully every time and I wouldn’t like to alter that at all, if anything is evident it’s that you absolutely know what you are doing as a writer, it can be hard to know what to say in that regard so I suppose all I have to say this time is to keep up the fantastic work and thank you for letting us read your songs. @☆lex- Weekenders The writing is this entry feels super sophisticated, your lines here come across very meticulously edited and written here, so much so that the song has an amazing overall rhythm about it which I absolutely love, there’s an energy to it when reading writing that is so tight like this and I think you’ve done fantastic on that approach. This is definitely my favourite entry from you so far, to be honest. I thought you explored the dynamics of the relationship impressively throughout the song, and also in a really mature and non melodramatic way, as it seems you never actually directly blame the other person for any of this, but of course still feel the unfortunate effects of the relationship. The party imagery is really nicely used and quite electric, overall as I’ve already said there feels to be a really strong energy to this song, I think it’s the mix of this imagery, the story and the look at this relationship dynamic, and your tight writing that all together come together to create something really great. You should definitely be proud of this entry, you experienced a bit of a drop in the rankings last week but in my opinion this is definitely a return to form. Great job. @JoeAg - Maladjusted First I really want to praise you and thank you for your commitment and the fact that you have persevered and submitted despite the testing week that you have had, I really appreciate it. Your writing here is very inspired and almost abstract at times, there are many points at which I had to look up what certain words meant, and I think you have to be a little careful with using such language at times, especially to such a degree, because with outdated or underused words you can end up sounding nonsensical or even pompous when other words are avaliable; that said though, with the nature of your song I think that these word choices work and help strengthen this “maladjusted” theme as using language like this itself could be considered quite maladjusted, so if that’s what you intended for it to resonate as then I think that was a smart choice, but in the future I would advise to be careful not to overdo it as in some cases it can end up being a hindrance to the message and the resonance of a song, definitely take it on a case by case basis. Personally I would say I feel the last two sections of the song are the strongest here, I think this is where your writing found the nicest balance between the stylistic choices you were making and the emotion and story you are trying to portray, particularly a line such as “said my cries weren’t of anger and weren’t representative of my soul, but were obviously not pleasing to the ear” was beautiful and also really self aware, and I love when a writer can be self aware and comment on the self in their own song, and you did that really brilliantly here. The song itself as a whole is quite an interesting mix of some poetic writing and abstract language, and various strokes of imagery, which probably shouldn’t all work together conventionally but actually in this case I think does, and that you have managed to pull it off, which shows your strength as a writer. It is perhaps not always the best method, but in this song and with this theme I think you have executed it well. Overall, I think that despite the struggles that you have faced in submitting this week that ultimately you have written a very strong entry, another which you should definitely be proud of, but still I hope that the next round can be more of a smoother experience for you. Edited June 5, 2022 by fountain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 16 minutes ago, Jackson said: i was just going back and trying to collect scores for my Diamond Hit songs and thought it would be fun to read back some reviews of my favorite songs, but NOPE. we used to be so mean for no reason. @Temporal would call me ugly and untalented to my face and then give me a 9. meanwhile i'll get universal praise here and place 13th - tbh i think i like this style better for where i am in my life now but i used to look forward to being ripped to shreds every week This is so true we were unhinged back then. Definitely have aged for the better now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 18 minutes ago, Jackson said: i was just going back and trying to collect scores for my Diamond Hit songs and thought it would be fun to read back some reviews of my favorite songs, but NOPE. we used to be so mean for no reason. @Temporal would call me ugly and untalented to my face and then give me a 9. meanwhile i'll get universal praise here and place 13th - tbh i think i like this style better for where i am in my life now but i used to look forward to being ripped to shreds every week And what about it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeAg Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 i feel so bad but my memory is messing with me today so what page was the challenge i’m working on right now on again? i wann make sure i’m doing it totally right i know it’s like an All Too Wellesque challenge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeAg Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 again i’m really sorry i’m lagging behind this week sucked major f*cking ass for me i promise i’m not trying to like mess up the scoring for you guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 17 minutes ago, GentleDance said: In my case, it's all fiction, let's just say that getting myself a male lover would land me in jail This is horrific, I’m so sorry. I sincerely hope you get to experience that freedom one day without fear of persecution Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 5, 2022 Author Share Posted June 5, 2022 1 minute ago, JoeAg said: i feel so bad but my memory is messing with me today so what page was the challenge i’m working on right now on again? i wann make sure i’m doing it totally right i know it’s like an All Too Wellesque challenge If you ever need to find anything like that, I have links to everything updated in the second post of the thread (on the first page) here’s the link to the challenge https://atrl.net/forums/topic/399899-golden-hit-season-1-?-round-2-results-live-now/?do=findComment&comment=21809744 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentleDance Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 2 minutes ago, fountain said: This is horrific, I’m so sorry. I sincerely hope you get to experience that freedom one day without fear of persecution Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeAg Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 2 minutes ago, fountain said: If you ever need to find anything like that, I have links to everything updated in the second post of the thread (on the first page) here’s the link to the challenge https://atrl.net/forums/topic/399899-golden-hit-season-1-?-round-2-results-live-now/?do=findComment&comment=21809744 thanks i’ll iturn it in by the end of the hour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted June 5, 2022 Share Posted June 5, 2022 15 minutes ago, fountain said: @Jackson - Il Diavolo e Dio I don’t know if there are words, really. I think this transcended expectation, it was above songwriting and was more like a short story. There’s storytelling songs, and then there exists this, which just feels so beyond anything I’ve read in that vein before. This is truly another level. I don’t know what Stardust is anymore because this is now the best thing you’ve ever written. This is, like, absurdly strong. This isn’t a poetic song, this is actual poetry. I’m really just blown away. And again it’s so different from your other entries and such an example of how you can adapt and take on different styles, and not just succeed in them but excel in them, particularly in this case. Thanks for making me finally break out the 10s I suppose. WAIT this is so unexpected… but thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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