tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[Jackson]

Results are gonna be in a few hours because the judges are slow and I'm going somewhere in an hour 

[Aurora]

2 minutes ago, Temporal said:

im just seeing your sig jlkzdhbjks not you demolishing these fats with 3/5 #1s so far

The slayage of S10 you expected but never got tbh! But now its looking like my "fat after flopped" era (so give me a 10 and lets rectify this okay thanks)

 

Also welcome Hunter and Hor however fleeting your time may be with us. 

[Aurora]

4 minutes ago, Jackson said:

Results are gonna be in a few hours because the judges are slow and I'm going somewhere in an hour 

The one time I have a day off results they're delayed until my hair cut. Figures!

 

Oh well, I guess all I'll be missing is another decline #fatafterflopped

[touya kinomoto]

5 minutes ago, Jackson said:

Results are gonna be in a few hours because the judges are slow and I'm going somewhere in an hour 

Bummer! I woke up early but e, if you have to go somewhere fine. Be safe though loves. 

[Temporal]

Just now, KatyCatPH said:

Bummer! I woke up early but e, if you have to go somewhere fine. Be safe though loves. 

is your username a reference to Platinum Hit

[Hug]

4 minutes ago, Temporal said:

is your username a reference to Platinum Hit

I think she's from the Philippines 

[touya kinomoto]

4 minutes ago, Temporal said:

is your username a reference to Platinum Hit

Hahaha! Not really just a coincidence. But if you can see my sig, I am not really made to fit no?

[touya kinomoto]

4 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

i SEE that top 5 hit sis

And I still don't know how I got that tbh.

[Moonchild]

 

@Hug, Providence

Good: Your hook and your chorus are bops! The song is touching and definitely echoes the movie.

Bad: “our lips intertwine” Girl, no. “Pyrotechnic” eyes is a bit too clunky to work. Same with ending/beginning rhyme.

Favorite line: “I remember it all, remember it all
The love I’ll feel and how we’ll fall”

@Aurora, The Gift

Good: I appreciate the kinda Lovecraftian vibe you went with here, how a blessing can be a curse. Using the same intro and outro is kinda brilliant in how it fits the story, too.

Bad: The “universal language” and “power...understand” lines stick out. They’re clunky and feel forced into the song. “ Ignorance is truly bliss” is cliché and it takes the wind out of an otherwise good bridge. I’ve noticed that I don’t usually get an emotional connection with your songs, and I think it might be because of your inclination for more abstract words. Try to use concrete words and provoke emotion in the reader in the next weeks.

Favorite line: “Colliding trucks with plastic dinosaurs”

@Gastrodonatella, Buttercups

Good: This song is convincing if an obvious approach. The emotion comes through and the song is well written.

Bad: The epilogue is didactic and repeats everything that came before. It would’ve been better with another verse, I think.

Favorite line: “So while you’re here, I’ll treasure you”

“Your life can still be called a gift
Cause I’ll remember that you lived”

@MattyTacos, Ending Scene

Good: I like the rock climbing references in the first verse.

Bad: When you ask questions in a song, you should typically answer them. Since we know that Louise Banks decides to have her child, she’s already come to peace with her daughter’s death on some level. It would’ve been more interesting to see you explore her thought process rather than repeating the ending scene question.

Favorite line: “I watch seasons bloom in your eyes”

@Tsareena, Nonstop

Good: I appreciate the “living in the moment” message. Most of the songs (so far) are concerned about the past or future, so this stood out.

Bad: None of your lyrics really punched. I think it’s because most of the song is so literal. It feels more like a stream-of-consciousness than a song at times. I appreciate the rhyme scheme and effort, and focus on your figurative language next time.

Favorite line: “The drinks we had from small cups till late
The microwave snacks we barely ate”
 

@minho, Here Comes The Rain

Good:  I appreciate that you responded to the themes more than the actual events and plot of the story. You crafted an intriguing atmosphere with the rain and romance, too.

Bad:  couldn’t really pick up a rhythm in your lyrics, and it made your song feel less songlike. I don’t normally have this problem with your songs, though, so it might just be this week. I

Favorite line: “When the clouds hang low and the fog makes things blurry”

@funnellegs, The Inevitable End

Your lyrics had clichés that took away from the song’s impact: “double edged sword,” “a blessing and a curse,” “broke the fourth wall.” I think your song would’ve been better with different tone. “Yeah, you best believe” and “but I had to let you die” didn’t really match the character or story. I would’ve liked to see more of the emotion, I think, and more nuance since the main character is in a complicated situation.

@UFO, Nothing Stays The Same

Good: This was an interesting approach, looking back on your past self and actions. It’s something we can relate to and it fits the story, so good job there.

Bad: The song felt pretty general and vague. We get the sun, earth, tides, moon, nothing stays the same, etc. There’s nothing really specific to the speaker, so we can’t establish an emotional connection. If you don’t tell us specifically what happened to the speaker, we need an interesting metaphor (like a bird that’s fallen out of the nest, since that fits your song). This song is cute but not really impactful.

Favorite line: “I rush towards him and hug him tight like the wind”

 

@Nait Phoenix, Change

Good: Technically, this is pretty solid. I could definitely feel the song flowing in your lyrics and I never tripped up on any rhythms and rhymes.

Bad: Lyrically, there was more to be desired. There wasn’t much in the way of figurative language, interesting word choices or nuanced themes. This is pretty on-the-nose and doesn’t add much to the themes of the story. The bridge was the best part, since it was more active than descriptive.

Favorite line: “I'm not afraid to face what is coming
If I even knew, I wouldn't stop running”

@ultraviolence.xx, Daylight

Good: The light/dark dynamic is old as time, but I think you used it in a clever way here. I liked your word choices and general syntax. The lyrics felt lyrical.

Bad: Not that it makes your song worse, but your approach is a bit obvious. I think I wanted to see more of your happy times, too. The first verse is happy, but the second and third verses and chorus are all kind of somber.

Favorite line: “I can leave you in the dark
or bring you into the sun”

@SaintWest, Languages

I love the concept of growing up in a Deaf community and learning to sign. I’d like to see you use it in a better song.

@keshaspearsxo, Glitch

Good: Whew, slay me, bitch. I don’t think anyone else would write a line like “Beings of seven limbs meet beings of seven sins.” Your language is interesting as always. I like the variation in line length and pacing, I like the glitch metaphor, I like it all. Lots of people this week wrote about the same concept, but you made it your own.

Favorite line: “Tethered to the story
Watching the pages turn
Skipping to the ending
And rewriting the words”

@KatyCatPH, Something Crazy

I know it can be hard to submit every week, so props for getting something in. This song is cute, no major errors, but I can’t fairly judge it since it has so little to do with the story. I’m looking to your entry next week, though.

@mxtthewdelrey, From Above

Good: I like the chorus and the general tone of the song. It’s somber, but it works.

Bad: This feels a bit rushed. I wanted more development of the concept, more verses like the bridge. Maybe you were short on time this week, but this still felt like a mxtthew song. I just wanted more.

Favorite line: All of the chorus

[UFO]

1 minute ago, Moonchild said:

@UFO, Nothing Ever Stays The Same

Good: This was an interesting approach, looking back on your past self and actions. It’s something we can relate to and it fits the story, so good job there.

Bad: The song felt pretty general and vague. We get the sun, earth, tides, moon, nothing stays the same, etc. There’s nothing really specific to the speaker, so we can’t establish an emotional connection. If you don’t tell us specifically what happened to the speaker, we need an interesting metaphor (like a bird that’s fallen out of the nest, since that fits your song). This song is cute but not really impactful.

Favorite line: “I rush towards him and hug him tight like the wind”

Thanks!    

Nnnn I definitely understand how it's still a little too vague. I think I'm scared to make it TOO specific tbh  Sometimes when I add in specific details I get TOO detailed so I usually just write more vaguely, but I'll definitely keep that in mind for future rounds!

 

[Temporal]

moonie is fat next page for my reviews

[UFO]

 

 

yas, we're on the next page

 

Edited October 1, 2017 by UFO

[touya kinomoto]

3 minutes ago, Moonchild said:

 

@KatyCatPH, Something Crazy

I know it can be hard to submit every week, so props for getting something in. This song is cute, no major errors, but I can’t fairly judge it since it has so little to do with the story. I’m looking to your entry next week, though.

I think that's it. I could be suffering from fatigue or lack of creativity as of the moment but I am enjoying my time here. And yes, definitely I'll come back better next round.

[UFO]

Temperature sis where u at

[mxtthewdelrey]

7 minutes ago, Moonchild said:

@mxtthewdelrey, From Above

Good: I like the chorus and the general tone of the song. It’s somber, but it works.

Bad: This feels a bit rushed. I wanted more development of the concept, more verses like the bridge. Maybe you were short on time this week, but this still felt like a mxtthew song. I just wanted more.

Favorite line: All of the chorus

Thank you for this feedback! I totally understand where you're coming from about it feeling rushed. I don't think I was short for time, I think maybe I felt a little uninspired at first but then I just kinda stripped backed to basics and ended up writing something a bit more simple and falling in love with it. I really appreciate

[Temporal]

TEMPORAL'S REVIEWS

    

 

1. Hug - Providence
This is the epitome of a PH song I don’t mean that in any way, it’s just funny coming back to reading entries again after a while and this being a pretty solid reminder of what to expect. ANYWAYS while I initially thought the kissing/firework concept was going to be boring as hell, the way you played with the tenses was a *really* nice touch that completely elevated the song. It had twists and turns when it felt like it was going to be completely predictable. Well done!

 

2. Aurora - The Gift
“I caught a glimpse of something on his chair / And left my youth behind without a care / A type of picture book I’d never seen” For ****s sake Aurora I thought you found a Playgirl magazine or something I’m a bit torn by this entry, and it’s a little hard for me to synthesize my thoughts so I’ll just spitball a bit: I think your signature SAT level vocabulary bogged this song down *hard* as the song went on. The first verse and pre-chorus were pretty masterful at striking that balance, but virtually every structure afterwards really missed the mark (sans the bridge and outro). I think the pacing was generally good, but the conclusion was presented in a corny way (“As ignorance is truly bliss”) which was a let down.

 

3. Gastrodonatella - Buttercups
This was a pretty straightforward approach for the challenge, and I have three main comments: the first being that the song developed really fast, I think you could’ve drawn things out a big more since this is a plot that takes up the literal length of an entire movie. The song just needed some more breathing room. Second, the chorus was hands down the strongest part. I think you tried to recreate that a bit in the Epilogue but it fell a bit short, which brings me to the third comment: I can see you thinking in couplets because of the AABB rhyme scheme. If you read the epilogue especially it’s essentially splintered by those, with each thought *having* to take two lines before being developed enough for you to move on to the next (you can also look at the first stanza of the second verse to see what I’m talking about). That made the song a little more predictable to read. Anyways, I thought this was cute overall, though I would’ve liked to have seen a plot twist as well going back to the predictability bit.

 

4. MattyTacos - Ending Scene
To be totally fair, I have not read the book in question but I have luckily seen Arrival so I *get* the generally jist, but I did not get what was happening here for the most part. So many connections between the imagery were totally lost in translation for me. The entire third verse for instance went completely over my head. It seemed like you also changed who the “you” was from the aliens to the daughter at least once and that was a really hard shift to grasp. I think you threw a whole lot at the song and unfortunately not enough of it stuck for me.

 

5. Tsareena - Nonstop
You did not need to rhyme things four times I liked the *tone* of the song, but the vocabulary was often really cringey because you forced yourself to reach for perfect rhymes even when they didn’t make the best lyrics. If you would’ve cut the size of the verses by about half I also think that would’ve helped to remedy this, I think Jackson gave you really good advice, you really should stick to that.

 

6. Minho - Here Comes the Rain
This was interesting. Not entirely sure how this fits in with the book but I haven’t read it so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt! I think that the pacing was good, however, it was really hindered by how wordy some words line. When things were picking up and you had this “swept off my feet narrative” you had blocky lines like “The drooping umbrella of potted plants giving us shade”. If you would’ve established a nice meter, this song really would’ve punched. Going in with that, some rhymes were reaches, like “city/me/these/blurry”. Overall I don’t think this is your best work, but the missteps here were just missteps and not massive pratfalls.

 

7. funnellegs - the Inevitable End
This reads like an actual standard pop song. However, this is a lyric writing contest, where you’re probably better off veering towards pieces that place emphasis more on great lyricism than being practical as an audible song. As a set of lyrics, it was fairly boring. The bridge for instance came off as really flat and insincere, this song needed more showing instead of telling all the way through. This entry also lacked the detail of other songs like it, and relied more on cliches (ex. “double edged sword”) for any tinges of passion. I did like the first couplet, but that kind of creativity and ingenuity just wasn’t found elsewhere I’m afraid.

 

8. UFO - Nothing Ever Stays the Same
Ah yes, Euphessay strikes again! I pretty much agree with Jackson’s review, the chorus was a slay and the best part, however the verses were annoying with the multiple “wind” smilies, ESPECIALLY when they were in lines directly next to each other, that drove me mad I think the imagery and storytelling aspects were there, and this could even work as an actual song possibly (well at least the chorus could), but, as I’ve told you before, I think you could water some of your songs like this down so that the individual lines aren’t as wordy and the songs themselves aren’t as long either.

 

9. Nait Phoenix - Change
Sorry that this is going to be obnoxiously blunt, his was not a storytelling song in any sense. This was you essentially saying “move on” in so many different ways to the point where you had a song. There were no lyrical or stylistic punches, and the song did feel lazy. 

 

10. Ultraviolence.xx - daylight
I liked the tone of this - in the third verse it shined through enough to completely disintegrate my scalp - however there was a major issue in how you spliced the song: for example, leaving the line “the earth far too cold” dangling by itself read like it was a caveman speaking. It made sense within the entire stanza, but that really could’ve been avoided if you would’ve just thrown an “is” into there. “there is no greater hurt” is in a similar boat in that it reads very awkwardly by itself. I also think overall you could’ve used a little more forward motion, as it stuck largely in this place of “don’t die!” until the third verse that was temporally ambiguous to where we didn’t know if the narrative was moving in its events at all (that sentence was a hot pretentious mess pls let me know if you don’t understand it). I think the song is good, but compared to the other songs that chose a similar approach this one definitely lags behind for me.

 

11. SaintWest - Languages
Well, you wrote a song for this week. “Till our native tongues collide” was a cute line. Congrats!

 

12. Pears - Glitch
So I like how you chose the concept of free will for this song, very philosophical, much interesting. However, I was not a fan of the approach. This felt like you were reaching for whatever sounded pretty as opposed to what actually makes sense. “Beings of seven limbs meet beings of seven sins” for instance, yes it sounds pretty and it’s a cute internal rhyme, however, I don’t think that the seven sins bit actually means anything? “The uncertain cord” and “sweet simulation” were also weird adjective choices. I did like the “glitch in the system” refrain as it was a clever way to synthesize and important chunk of the story succinctly. 

 

13. KatyCatPH
This was a storytelling song I guess, but it just felt really shallow conceptually, and not as explicitly connected to the story like everyone else’s. There were sone plot gaps that needed to be filled “We did something crazy” okay, what was it? The craziest part of this story is dancing in the moonlight which is pretty mundane by PH standards! What was the question that you kept asking? These are the details that a storytelling song 100% should have. I’m assuming that the different tenses in the song was an intentional thing, however it wasn’t used well enough for me to be totally sure of what was happening either.

 

14. Mxtthewdelrey - From Above
Oh Matthew I again don’t know what to make of this There was some emotion and passion here, but it was contrasted by almost comedically straight lines like “I feel like I need 3000 years to improve my mind / Sad that we only get 80 or 90 here on Earth”. The chorus seems like it could be a part of a cute EDM bop, but again idk what this was going for overall.

 

[Temporal]

My @ tags are flopping per usual srry

[mxtthewdelrey]

Just now, Temporal said:

14. Mxtthewdelrey - From Above
Oh Matthew I again don’t know what to make of this There was some emotion and passion here, but it was contrasted by almost comedically straight lines like “I feel like I need 3000 years to improve my mind / Sad that we only get 80 or 90 here on Earth”. The chorus seems like it could be a part of a cute EDM bop, but again idk what this was going for overall.

 

Temp, everyone else liked my song this week!

 

The song was going for sad  Perhaps you're in too much of a happy mood to appreciate the vulnerability of “I feel like I need 3000 years to improve my mind / Sad that we only get 80 or 90 here on Earth”. Is your happy mood because you're so much closer geographically to me than you've been before?

[Aurora]

7 minutes ago, Moonchild said:

@Aurora, The Gift

Good: I appreciate the kinda Lovecraftian vibe you went with here, how a blessing can be a curse. Using the same intro and outro is kinda brilliant in how it fits the story, too.

Bad: The “universal language” and “power...understand” lines stick out. They’re clunky and feel forced into the song. “ Ignorance is truly bliss” is cliché and it takes the wind out of an otherwise good bridge. I’ve noticed that I don’t usually get an emotional connection with your songs, and I think it might be because of your inclination for more abstract words. Try to use concrete words and provoke emotion in the reader in the next weeks.

Favorite line: “Colliding trucks with plastic dinosaurs”

This is what I love about a diverse panel; your favourite lyric was one of Jackson's least favourite.  I'm glad you liked those parts of the song, too. I knew the 'universal language' lyric could cause problems and I also agree about the cliché, but since it was kind of the central theme/twist of the song I felt I had to keep it in there in some form. Emotional connection has always been a struggle for me, I hope that's a barrier I can eventually break through. Thanks!

[ultraviolence.xx]

4 minutes ago, Temporal said:

It made sense within the entire stanza, but that really could’ve been avoided if you would’ve just thrown an “is” into there.

this may have been an accident?   but thanks for your comments!

Edited October 1, 2017 by ultraviolence.xx

[UFO]

4 minutes ago, Temporal said:

8. UFO - Nothing Ever Stays the Same
Ah yes, Euphessay strikes again! I pretty much agree with Jackson’s review, the chorus was a slay and the best part, however the verses were annoying with the multiple “wind” smilies, ESPECIALLY when they were in lines directly next to each other, that drove me mad I think the imagery and storytelling aspects were there, and this could even work as an actual song possibly (well at least the chorus could), but, as I’ve told you before, I think you could water some of your songs like this down so that the individual lines aren’t as wordy and the songs themselves aren’t as long either.

Mess are my songs really that wordy and long ? Everyone keeps saying it     but yayyy, STAN for the chorus!       fffff I was DEFINITELY going overboard with the "wind" imagery - I'll definitely try to tone it down in the future. I'm just scared that I'll tone it down TOO MUCH and then it ends up sounding basic as hell   nnn I'll try tho!       

Edited October 1, 2017 by UFO

[Temporal]

1 minute ago, mxtthewdelrey said:

Is your happy mood because you're so much closer geographically to me than you've been before?

if you're referencing my incredibly erotically stimulated mood then yes daddy  

[Temporal]

Just now, UFO said:

Mess are my songs really that wordy and long ?     but yay, STAN for the chorus!       fffff I was DEFINITELY going overboard with the "wind" imagery - I'll definitely try to tone it down in the future. I'm just scared that I'll tone it down TOO MUCH and then it ends up sounding basic as hell   nnn I'll try tho!       

This song was shorter/less wordy than what I've seen from you before but I think you could take it down just *one* more level or two in the future!  

[mxtthewdelrey]

Just now, Temporal said:

if you're referencing my incredibly erotically stimulated mood than yes daddy  

[ultraviolence.xx]

15 minutes ago, Moonchild said:

@ultraviolence.xx, Daylight

Good: The light/dark dynamic is old as time, but I think you used it in a clever way here. I liked your word choices and general syntax. The lyrics felt lyrical.

Bad: Not that it makes your song worse, but your approach is a bit obvious. I think I wanted to see more of your happy times, too. The first verse is happy, but the second and third verses and chorus are all kind of somber.

Favorite line: “I can leave you in the dark
or bring you into the sun”

WHEW thanks moon!