discussion Should trans people disclose their transness to their partners?

[SpaceMan]

Yes, I think transitioning is a significant experience in one's life so sharing with your loved one is meaningful, after all I'd like to know about my partner on deeper level where they can be comfortable sharing vulnerability with me 

[RunUpDoneUp]

15 hours ago, Phantom said:

This isn't true, and is a generalisation. 

 

Off the top of my head, a rather high profile instance of this was when Nikki Tutorials was forced (blackmail) to out herself as trans, and part of her story if IIRC was also that she hadn't told her (then, I think they're married now?) fiancé when they had first gotten together. 

 

& Nothing really wrong with that imo. It's just one instance, and obviously not the reality for all trans people at all, I'm just saying it's not as clear cut as "all" would imply. 

 

CC: @RunUpDoneUp

Singling it out is how rightwing narratives work. The current climate is "Trans women are predators," the idea that we need to address a rightwing narrative(and it is a rightwing narrative ie trans women are deceptive) in any sense of realism is how the culture war works. Trans women aren't the problem, have never been the problem and actually already overpolice themselves as many lgbbq people tend to do in order to appear as not a threat.

 

Any idea of trans women doing wrong when the ones that perpetuate it are a fraction of a fraction is giving signal boost to the narrative of "danger" from trans people. It is statistically impossible for a wide group of people, especially those within a disenfranchised and minority class to not have people that do things we on average cringe at. This is rightwing propaganda network 101. This idea of being "lied" to has been done to gay men and is still done against them. It's common and shouldn't be given weight.

 

 

Cis gender people have made it clear that trans women not only aren't capable of being like them but also that they are simultaneously capable of appearing as them. It's a contradictory belief and one that bigots usually employ. It's not logical and trans women aren't supposed to correct the narrative they've been put it, it's up to cis people to actually avoid enforcing a culture that leads to trans women concealing their identity(hmm, why oh why might trans women hide their identity? The abnormal homicide rates? The automatic guilt of sex crimes just by identity enforced by law and society? The outing and simultaneous abuse that usually follows?)

 

 

1 hour ago, bleuwaffle said:

this post is so stupid.  

 

i've seen so many trans women talk about going stealth mode after transition and not telling men their business and you know what, good for them. i'm no one to say how someone else should navigate their own personal relationships. 

 

don't see how trans men could go stealth but live your life.

 

Your views matter to me, please continue to reach out in the future.

 

[Specter]

7 hours ago, Tropez said:

Weird how this always turns into trans women. But never trans men, why are they always ignored in these conversations? 

Sis, if you would maybe read a bit, the title says trans people literally everywhere, and the OP is about a right wing-y friend of mine that couldn't deal with being in a relationship with a transman

[Tropez]

2 hours ago, Phantom said:

Sis, if you would maybe read a bit, the title says trans people literally everywhere, and the OP is about a right wing-y friend of mine that couldn't deal with being in a relationship with a transman

 

Actually, that’s not what I said Phantom. I said why do discussions like these ignore trans men and go into trans women. A lot of these issues are rather specific. Like when government pass bills they tend to be attacking trans women over trans men. When documentaries are created on trans issues 80% would be on women but not men. And trans men have openly discussed the feelings of being ignored. 

[Saddy]

On 6/12/2022 at 12:11 PM, Kummercell said:

Also, I think the partner would find out eventually, no? Unless it's a sex-less relationship and they never see each other naked

This

[manwhore]

YES'

you cant push you opinion of gender is a construct.. not real world thinking there. sorry

[TaggedGalaxy]

Yes, there should be trust and honesty in a healthy relationship

[Katamari]

Yes. Starting a relationship off with not being truthful isn’t a good look

[Bears01]

Absolutely yes  if somebody doesn’t want to date somebody trans, that their choice, and it shouldn’t be hidden from them for the (incredibly likely) chance that the other person will find out anyway. Should literally be disclosed from the very beginning 

[Harry]

before meeting face to face yes

people usually can tell straight away when they meet up

[John Slayne]

Depends. Trans people definitely don't owe you anything. If the relationship starts to get serious, then I would say yes but for casual dating or hookups - no, they don't have to tell you. Personally if I were trans I would probably disclose it on my dating profiles, but I don't think it's a necessity. 

[Distantconstellation]

2 hours ago, John Slayne said:

Depends. Trans people definitely don't owe you anything. If the relationship starts to get serious, then I would say yes but for casual dating or hookups - no, they don't have to tell you. Personally if I were trans I would probably disclose it on my dating profiles, but I don't think it's a necessity. 

This is bad advice. You absolutely have to tell the person u are hooking up that u are trans, if they find out u are trans while u get naked and they get violent things could get ugly. This is not something you should hide because u put your life at risk. 

 

Also perhaps the other person doesnt want to be with a trans person. U have to be honest from the get go.

[campelo]

Yes

[Pop]

Of course not. They have no obligation whatsoever. It is their private thing and they could or could not disclose it whenever they want. 

[Khal]

Transwomen might have the option, but for transmen, how would they go about not revealing it even for hookups? It'd be obvious when the clothes are off?

[swissman]

If we are asking "SHOULD" then no, a trans person SHOULD do whatever they feel like in regards to sharing personal details just like a cis person.

[Margaux]

short answer. yes

[Price of Fame]

100% and I don't understand or agree with any argument to the contrary

[swissman]

9 hours ago, Bears01 said:

Absolutely yes  if somebody doesn’t want to date somebody trans, that their choice, and it shouldn’t be hidden from them for the (incredibly likely) chance that the other person will find out anyway. Should literally be disclosed from the very beginning 

But being trans is just one part of your identity. It's one thing to be asked "are you trans" and say "no" (still that's one's own prerogative to lie) and another simply to not say.

 

Some people have racist sexual preferences too, not wanting to date or have sex with certain ethnicities. Does that mean someone should go over their family tree so their partners doesn't have to accidentally like someone they dont want to? If one has feelings for a trans person, but their identity ruins that, it's one's own fault, not the trans persons' that you feel that way.

 

People have the "choice" to not date anyone they want, but I don't think we can presume these choices are anything but societal prejudices manifested in coincidental, "unaffected" preferences. Perhaps that might be the case, but the fact that society has largely demeaned, sidelined and ridiculed trans people, it's hard to argue that no one has been affected by this perception of them and that preferences are just a simple "choice".

[Bears01]

5 minutes ago, swissman said:

But being trans is just one part of your identity. It's one thing to be asked "are you trans" and say "no" (still that's one's own prerogative to lie) and another simply to not say.

 

Some people have racist sexual preferences too, not wanting to date or have sex with certain ethnicities. Does that mean someone should go over their family tree so their partners doesn't have to accidentally like someone they dont want to? If one has feelings for a trans person, but their identity ruins that, it's one's own fault, not the trans persons' that you feel that way.

 

People have the "choice" to not date anyone they want, but I don't think we can presume these choices are anything but societal prejudices manifested in coincidental, "unaffected" preferences. Perhaps that might be the case, but the fact that society has largely demeaned, sidelined and ridiculed trans people, it's hard to argue that no one has been affected by this perception of them and that preferences are just a simple "choice".

Fam, when the clothes come off, and the other person doesn’t know and wasn’t aware, chances are, it could get ugly. For the safety of said person, they owe it to themselves (at the very least) to let the other person know right away 

[swissman]

I think there is a difference between "disclosing" (which has a connotation of something that needs to be admitted, or revealed) and "finding out". Because if you date someone, you eventually will find know more about you. Keeping it a secret in a long-term, serious relationship obviously would show signs of distrust, but just like a lot of parts of your identity, you don't necessarily need to go on a first, second, third, or even tenth date and disclose them all...your partner will find them out in time, naturally, when they need to or when it comes up, if that's how one decides to let it happen.

 

Saying that a trans person SHOULD do this is othering them and not affording them the same relationship rights of a cis person wherein you don't need to disclose what is in between your legs or how many people you've slept with or what your ethnic background is or if you have an STI or if you cannot have children or if you do not want children or if you're bi or whatever it is.

[swissman]

2 minutes ago, Bears01 said:

Fam, when the clothes come off, and the other person doesn’t know and wasn’t aware, chances are, it could get ugly. For the safety of said person, they owe it to themselves (at the very least) to let the other person know right away 

I agree that because of unchecked, rampant transphobia, safety is a big concern. But that is a different side of the conversation than saying it's a cis person's "choice" not to date a trans person. What I'm saying is basically that each partner can make "choices" insofar as how they want to date. Violence aside, if someone wants to 100% not ever date a trans person, maybe they can make this important "choice" known, rather than putting the responsibility (and potential danger, as you've outlined) in the hands of the trans individual.

[Bears01]

1 minute ago, swissman said:

I agree that because of unchecked, rampant transphobia, safety is a big concern. But that is a different side of the conversation than saying it's a cis person's "choice" not to date a trans person. What I'm saying is basically that each partner can make "choices" insofar as how they want to date. Violence aside, if someone wants to 100% not ever date a trans person, maybe they can make this important "choice" known, rather than putting the responsibility (and potential danger, as you've outlined) in the hands of the trans individual.

I don’t disagree, but that’s also the responsibility in some way of said trans person to at the very minimum, let the other person know beforehand too. That’s really where the question was being asked in the first place 

[John Slayne]

58 minutes ago, Distantconstellation said:

This is bad advice. You absolutely have to tell the person u are hooking up that u are trans, if they find out u are trans while u get naked and they get violent things could get ugly. This is not something you should hide because u put your life at risk. 

 

Also perhaps the other person doesnt want to be with a trans person. U have to be honest from the get go.

Not all trans people look visibly different from cis people, even naked, so your first point doesn't make sense. Secondly, this is crossing over into victim-blaming. If a person finds out that their partner is trans and they lash out, that's their issue and their own fault. Like I said, I personally would disclose that for safety reasons, but I am not gonna lecture other trans people how to conduct themselves. 

 

If the other person doesn't want to be with a trans person, again, that's their prerogative. However, if they are attracted to someone and go on dates and/or hookup and only learn about the person being trans after the fact, then maybe they need to do some self-reflection on why it is that they don't want to be with a trans person when they are clearly attracted to them. There are white-passing mixed race people, would you say that they have to disclose their heritage to everyone before going out just in case the person they are involved with only wants to date white people? If someone has issues with dating trans people, that's their problem, same with people who don't want to date PoC. The rest of society shouldn't have to dance around their prejudice and weird nonsensical preferences. Your preferences are your problem, not everyone else's. If someone feels *that* strongly about not wanting to date a trans person, then perhaps they need to disclose that that's their preference before going out with people. 

[swissman]

1 minute ago, Bears01 said:

I don’t disagree, but that’s also the responsibility in some way of said trans person to at the very minimum, let the other person know beforehand too. That’s really where the question was being asked in the first place 

well to the question I am saying that actually the responsibility is on the person with the prejudicial preferences to outline that to their partners. if this is a dealbreaker to someone, that is fully on them to disclose and ascertain. It is their own dealbreaker, not someone else's.

 

anything other than this forgets trans people deal with enough bullshit around their gender as it is in almost every area of their life. if a partner doesn't realize they are trans and the trans person does not outright say they are, that's them living their life as they wish. they should be able to do that. they should not have to "other" themselves, make a big deal of their gender, risk their safety, be asked the same insulting, demeaning or inappropriate questions, etc.. disclosing or not is their choice, and if someone has a problem with it that's on them to avoid.

 

if we are really concerned about a trans person's safety, telling them they must disclose their trans-ness point blank to everyone they date or talk to romantically to, then we are not actually looking out for their safety or well-being, physically or mentally, and caring more for and protecting people's prejudices, and removing the blame or responsibly from bigoted actions.

 

it's one thing to advise a trans person to disclose it for their safety, and another to word it on the side of the interests of the bigot.