discussion Should trans people disclose their transness to their partners?

[Specter]

First off, saying this to get it out of the way: Keep it ******* cute. Some of y'all are brazenly comfortable being transphobic on here.

 

For context, I had this discussion with two friends recently. Friend 1 agreed with me that no, trans people don't "owe" anyone anything, and that people in relationships often don't "disclose" significant aspects of their lives before getting into relationships either, so why should transmen and transwomen be held to a double standard?

 

Friend 2 sort of had an experience along these lines, and was predictably more fixated on the feeling of "betrayal"(his words, not mine) that not disclosing one's transness can cause the other partner. I didn't bring this up then, but there was a transguy he was very into, but it did not work out. We both suspect he couldn't deal with that when he found out (the guy told him two months into the relationship) and that maybe colours his feelings on the topic.

 

Plus he also argued that it may be "better" (i.e "safer") for the trans-person in question, because as most on here are aware, several countries have this bogus gay/trans "panic" legal defense wherein violent homophobic and transphobic individuals are given cover for quite literally murdering gay/trans people So according to him, it benefits both parties.

 

What do you guys think? Does focusing on the ""betrayal"" in effect center the feelings of the cis-gendered individual while sidelining that of that trans individual, or is biology/genitalia such an essential part of a relationship for you that not "disclosing" it before entering a relationship is akin to a form of betrayal?

Edited June 12, 2022 by Phantom

[Bloo]

For members wanting to discuss this, keep it cute. 

[G.U.Y. Gaga]

Personally I think yes… mostly for their safety 

 

but it’s also just fair to let people know what they are getting into. I’d rather be rejected before a meet up than during. 
 

I do understand that this is complex though 

[Solaria]

''Owe'' is a strong word. For open communication and honesty, it would be better to tell it, especially if the relationships is serious. Keeping things from each other is understandable when you've just first met, but in the long run it damages a relationship

[BlondGuts]

It’s a complex situation but I think given how weirdos nowadays can murder a trans person and claim that panic legal defense like we just saw, it unfortunately may be in the trans person’s interest to disclose it (out of abundance of caution and for their safety)

[Johnny Jacobs]

It's a hard question but unfortunately a no brainer. 

 

First of all they need to tell them before or during first date max. 

[CaptainMusic]

Of course they do, for their safety as well.

 

We cannot ignore the clear differences between trans and cis people. Many people are simply not attracted to trans people and  you can’t force them to be so best to be honest from the start. 

[Specter]

1 minute ago, Johnny Jacobs said:

It's a hard question but unfortunately a no brainer. 

?

 

That makes no sense. 

[Bicassie]

yes, sadly for safety reasons

In a perfect world there would not be a need for it

Edited June 12, 2022 by Bicassie

[Danger]

Don’t people usually get to know each other before getting in a relationship? This includes talking about childhood etc, so I think not disclosing that they’re trans is omitting information and therefore not being all the way truthful?

 

as a woman I’d want to know that about my partner and would feel that they hid a part of them (their trans journey) 

 

With that said I don’t think I’d stop talking to that person and can understand their point of view but I’d still be upset they didn’t tell me 

[Abel Minaj]

It should be disclosed. It's in everyone's best interest. It can turn into something really bad. If it's a deal breaker, so be it, they're be someone else who will accept you. You can't build a house on a bad foundation and expect it to stand for very long.

[Johnny Jacobs]

3 minutes ago, Phantom said:

?

 

That makes no sense. 

Try to think sis 

 

Hard question to answer emotionally.. But the answer is clear

[Kummercell]

"Owe" is a strong word but yeah, they should tell their partners.

Also, I think the partner would find out eventually, no? Unless it's a sex-less relationship and they never see each other naked

[Pikachoo]

yes, absolutely.

 

What if the partner wants kids? what if the partner wants to see pictures of your childhood? are you going to make your entire family never discuss anything?

[Peroxide]

8 minutes ago, Danger said:

Don’t people usually get to know each other before getting in a relationship? This includes talking about childhood etc, so I think not disclosing that they’re trans is omitting information and therefore not being all the way truthful?

 

as a woman I’d want to know that about my partner and would feel that they hid a part of them (their trans journey) 

 

With that said I don’t think I’d stop talking to that person and can understand their point of view but I’d still be upset they didn’t tell me 

 

10 minutes ago, CaptainMusic said:

Of course they do, for their safety as well.

 

We cannot ignore the clear differences between trans and cis people. Many people are simply not attracted to trans people and  you can’t force them to be so best to be honest from the start. 

I agree with both of these takes.

[bidet]

Absolutely, even for ons 

[tshwark]

mmm what? is this even a question? be clear since day one, even in your dating app.

[Bethenny Frankel]

Yes, it could get messy if it comes out after marriage or years of dating.

[worldwide angel]

owe is a very strong word as people have said

 

but if they do or they don’t, they still will be in harms way so the question should be focused on cis folks (in these scenarios its typically the men) and their eagerness to be violent when they find out, despite being attracted to said trans person.

 

trans women are women, trans men are men and [insert cishet person] being attracted to them does not negate their heterosexuality. if they feel so shocked that they turn to violence, they were transphobic and insecure with their heterosexuality to begin with

[UnusualBoy]

They should, for the safety and just to be honest, if you’re planning a relationship with this person, you cannot hide something as important.

[Mezik]

Nobody owes anyone anything.

 

However, let’s say it’s pre transition surgery or the individual chooses not get a transition surgery, one cannot be upset if you’re about to get intimate and it’s discovered that the opposite genitalia is there and the other individual is no longer interested.

 

However without how much stigma and discrimination there are against trans people one cannot blame them for not wanting to disclose. 

[L.B GAGA]

Its important to be honest about your life with youtr partner from day 1. Sooner or later the truth will come out from your family, neighbours and old childhood acquaintances , you cant hide your past forever. 

Once its out, your relationship will never be the same and you might lose your partner on top of facing unwanted hate. Id rather be loved for who i am,naked in all aspects of my life, than loved for a nail biting, anxiety &trauma causing, danger creating lie or omission .  

Edited June 12, 2022 by L.B GAGA

[Communion]

I think owe is a strong word and I trust trans men and women to navigate their own sexual/romantic interactions.

 

And I think lived experiences for trans people are too varied to speak in generalizations anyway. There is a reality for many trans women where they can have sex with cishet men who don't realize they're trans cause they're actually not different from cis women. This "betrayal" rhetoric is often most pointedly aimed at them and largely feels like it's done in bad faith, insisting on ~danger~ to push the rhetoric trans women will always be inherently different from cis women.

 

I think most cis women would rightfully find it ridiculous and misogynistic if a man demanded that she tell him on their Tinder or Bumble chat before even meeting if she is infertile or not. 

[Zaram]

A relationship is about trust and love.

If you start a relationship with a big lie/secret and I would find out years later I would literally lose all trust in that person.

 

Also owe is not really the right word for it.

 

[Specter]

I did not use "owe" in the previous title to make it sound maximally hurtful or anything, and I've seen it used colloquially very much in relationship contexts like these. Though I guess that's anecdotal...plus I'm aware it is  strong, which is why in my OP I've put it in quotes myself.

 

Edited the title. Originally avoided "should" because it made it sound like a moral thing; being trans is obviously not immoral, and I don't personally view it as a secret thing to be disclosed so I wanted to avoid that phrasing. Plus should implied a similar moral obligation...

Edited June 12, 2022 by Phantom