mxtthewdelrey Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 submitted!! damn it was so nice to write something less traumatic x 1. If I Leave This Earth 2. you cheat, you lose 3. The Lease 4. proud to be yours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 10, 2022 Author Share Posted June 10, 2022 @☆lex - I Want it All I love a lot of what your song has touched on. In the first verse, how you talked about the phenomenon of not being “man” enough to fit in with boys, but then being too much of a “man” to 100% fit in with girls, is definitely something I can relate to and I love that you talked about it. There are so many instances where queer people get left out like that and it’s a really interesting basis for this first verse. It would have been interesting for the whole song to revolve around that tbh! But I also enjoy the other topics that you have explored too, for example in the chorus the feeling of wanting to be everything, everything that people say you shouldn’t be, is palpable. I also really liked to mentions to a lot of queer culture, whether than be “painted nails”, blue Jean girls and sundress boys”, and also the closing part to the song, “dancing with a man who’s calling me a brand new name” which was really beautiful; in terms of the challenge you’ve done a fantastic job, this has lovely joyous queer energy and it was really fun to read. If I have a criticism, the bridge where you brought up Christmas was pretty random to be honest and I would say I felt it didn’t really add anything to the song in general, so that was a bit of a missed opportunity. But overall I think this is a really nice entry, and you’ve portrayed the challenge very well, so good job. (Side note: you had a couple of instances of typos again, it makes no difference to me but others might choose to point it out, I don’t know if you use google docs already but if you haven’t used it before then look into it as a tool for writing your songs in because it might be helpful, as with a google doc you can still edit and read back what you’ve sent, so would be good for any potential typos or double words or anything). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 10, 2022 Author Share Posted June 10, 2022 Will be working on the remaining reviews now and posting them as soon as I’m done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 11, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2022 Quote the bridge where you brought up Christmas was pretty random to be honest and I would say I felt it didn’t really add anything to the song in general, so that was a bit of a missed opportunity. the way I also did this in a verse, expecting lashes then x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevonRoars Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 submitted something sorry it's late Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 Not me finishing reviews and two more pop up. Lemme reviewing again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 11, 2022 Author Share Posted June 11, 2022 2 hours ago, Legend E said: oh thank god i didn't see those mini games, scared to see my review x 43 minutes ago, Legend E said: the way I also did this in a verse, expecting lashes then x Actually I think your review might be the longest one I’ve written all season… when scrolling through I was like when is this ending Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lex Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 52 minutes ago, fountain said: @☆lex - I Want it All I love a lot of what your song has touched on. In the first verse, how you talked about the phenomenon of not being “man” enough to fit in with boys, but then being too much of a “man” to 100% fit in with girls, is definitely something I can relate to and I love that you talked about it. There are so many instances where queer people get left out like that and it’s a really interesting basis for this first verse. It would have been interesting for the whole song to revolve around that tbh! But I also enjoy the other topics that you have explored too, for example in the chorus the feeling of wanting to be everything, everything that people say you shouldn’t be, is palpable. I also really liked to mentions to a lot of queer culture, whether than be “painted nails”, blue Jean girls and sundress boys”, and also the closing part to the song, “dancing with a man who’s calling me a brand new name” which was really beautiful; in terms of the challenge you’ve done a fantastic job, this has lovely joyous queer energy and it was really fun to read. If I have a criticism, the bridge where you brought up Christmas was pretty random to be honest and I would say I felt it didn’t really add anything to the song in general, so that was a bit of a missed opportunity. But overall I think this is a really nice entry, and you’ve portrayed the challenge very well, so good job. (Side note: you had a couple of instances of typos again, it makes no difference to me but others might choose to point it out, I don’t know if you use google docs already but if you haven’t used it before then look into it as a tool for writing your songs in because it might be helpful, as with a google doc you can still edit and read back what you’ve sent, so would be good for any potential typos or double words or anything). Thank you for the review king Love that those lines resonated With the christmas line I was going for like…. Sometimes someone spends all the holidays feeling alone (or actually being alone) cause your family ostracizes you, but this time getting to spend it with a chosen family who accepts you instead. But I guess I really didn’t lead up to that very well ooop mess about the typos I turned autocorrect off on my phone but I’ll put it back on for future rounds Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lex Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 45 minutes ago, Legend E said: the way I also did this in a verse, expecting lashes then x Our minds Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 11, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2022 14 minutes ago, fountain said: Actually I think your review might be the longest one I’ve written all season… when scrolling through I was like when is this ending great to hear fff; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 Hey, Hitmakers! This was another very strong round in my opinion, in fact it had some of my favourite songs submitted for this tournament thus far. I really want to thank you all again for supporting this game, especially in a challenge like this that encourages such vulnerability and openness. If you are yet to submit and still plan on doing so, I will edit your review into this post once we receive the submission and tag you in the post afterwards. If there is anything in your review that you do not wish to have public (lyric excerpts, references to your material etc.) I will remove it upon request. 1. @Hug - “To Make a Man...” This was nice, and a great start to this challenge. It’s definitely a solid approach to this challenge without being too generic or exclusive, yet still fulfils the personal angle that was required. I won’t say it’s a “return to form” since I don’t think your recent submissions have been bad in any way, but this one definitely had that classic Hug essence that you delivered in “RAVAGED”, despite these being completely different songs. Another angle I would have liked to see approached here would be a verse or bridge focusing on negative aspects that are typically considered “manly”, and dismissing/rejecting these, which could have added another layer of depth or social commentary. What you have submitted is still great though, and my favourite couplet was, “If I like another man, then it doesn’t make me not one / Whether we’re just friends or together for the long run”. 2. @Julia Fox - “Things I Did When I Was Little” Loving this title tbh. Honestly this was such an expected entry from you, your submissions are usually so character-focused and artsy and metaphorical and this was a lot more real and narrative-based and I’m very much here for this new side of Julia Fox. The opening section really set the scene well and I think many of us can relate to that. Loved the “hips don’t lie” cameo. The rainbows/random rhyme was a little messy but cute. The car with the speakers up section was a great way to showcase the change in attitude, growth, and self-acceptance. The Gaga/Born This Way addition felt a little unnecessary too, but overall this was a nice song about the road to self-acceptance. 3. @EpicSongFan - “Mask” Another slap cover, we love to see it! This was a solid offering from you. The first two verses were really strong and had me hooked right away. The prechorus was nice, the closet imagery was fine, but I’m not sure what the “all of them” in the second line was referring to (would have made sense if emotions, secrets, or something plural was used on the prior line, but all that is there is identity?) I liked the changing choruses, too. The third/fourth verses weren’t as strong as the first two but they were still good and lead into the new chorus well. “Method acting until it's my new reality” was really great. The ending was rather sad but I’m honestly glad you didn’t go for the super obvious happily-ever-after ending because the truth is so many struggle to ever find the inner strength and courage to take off the mask and truly be who they are outwardly and openly, so this is a much more (unfortunately) realistic depiction. Overall, nice work! 4. @Better Mistakes - “Her Eyes Are Blue and Mine Are Brown” Oh my god, I almost was going to skip over your original entry until you pointed back to it with the other information section and LAWD I’m so glad you did... this was lowkey my favourite part of your entry. That said, I think you made the correct choice in resubmitting. As you indicated, it’s the same concept but told in a rather more lyrically enticing manner. This is another pretty relatable concept I’m sure most of us are unfortunately familiar with, and definitely a good source of inspiration. The pre-choruses felt a little bit melodramatic, but we all know how it can feel when you’re heartbroken and it feels as if your world is falling apart. I really love the titular lyric you ended up going with, it’s a nice way to highlight the differences without it being too overt in saying what you really mean. Your submissions just keep getting better and I’m looking forward to what’s next. 5. @Euterpe - “Timeless” I know this challenge wasn’t right up your all(e)y per se, so thank you for submitting. For what it’s worth though, this is easily one of my favourite submissions of yours. “Candlelight” might be shook? This angle was refreshing, and not something explored too often for potentially obvious reasons, but I’m very glad that somebody took inspiration from their own friends’ experiences and wrote a song about that. I’ve done something similar in the past, and it’s a very rewarding feeling. I’d say your style is becoming more and more clear as the rounds progress, and you have a tendency for longer line lengths, which work really well in songs like this that convey a lot of detail and emotion. While I think it would be nice to see you tackle a more minimalist approach in a future submission, your style worked wonderfully for this piece. 6. @hurricane326 - “My Man” The resubmissions, we- someone needs to acquaint themselves with Google Docs! This review is going to be a little different from the others because in all honesty I’m not sure if this is a perfect fit for the challenge. You’re obviously a wonderful writer—you’ve consistently ranked highly throughout this tournament, and scored several #1s in others. You’re also almost always one of the first to submit, and your passion is evident. I think the biggest challenge I can issue you at this point is when the next round is posted, let it simmer a bit before just writing the first thing that comes to mind. There’s always a chance you can build upon it, or think of something even stronger throughout the week. I personally thought “Mythology” was your strongest of the entries this week, but even then it wasn’t to the calibre of your other submissions. Considering “My Man” didn’t come from personal experience, some of the lyrics such as, “Myself, according to my man / Is funnier than he is,” just felt a bit disingenuous. I really would love to see what you make when utilising the entire challenge duration to brainstorm, conceptualise, and fully flesh out a song... I fear you may be unstoppable. 7. @Legend E - “It's My Time to Go” I’m going to address the song itself first because I think that is most important, you’ve done a lovely job of remembering this terrible event. I actually do recall a few songs written in similar tournaments to this one when it first happened. The shirt was reminiscent of the “All Too Well” scarf, in a good way. The “help/yelp” rhyme wasn’t super great. I really liked the spoken outro, and this was probably my favourite part of the song actually, and felt this was the most universal/relatable section of the song. That brings me to the second acknowledgement, which is that this obviously isn’t a personal experience of yours, which is an interesting angle in a challenge where the aim was to be inspired by your own identity. I suppose it fits if you consider yourself emotionally impacted by the events, which may very well be the case for you. I think it was another strong offering from you, and appreciate the care that went into this song. 8. @Remmy - “Pulse” After reading Legend E’s song I really thought we were in for back-to-back entries about the same theme again, whew. I really loved this submission from you. Your sex bops are obviously iconic, but this showed a different side, one that is a little more socially conscious. It’s still a positive song all in all, but it’s not all sunshine and rainbows so to speak. You touched on so many themes—underrepresentation, shame, denial, rejection, parental disappointment, brainwashing and conversion etc. but none of it felt unnatural or slotted in just to make a point, it honestly felt like part of the growing up LGBT experience, because, well, it is exactly that sadly. The end part of the bridge was really great, as was the chorus’, “They're trying to take, this heart that I hold / Paint gray on my walls of glitter and gold”. This was a much stronger socially aware, (mostly) PG-rated bop than “Don’t Let a Man...”, and may even be tugging on the wig of “Flowerbloom” for me! 9. @GentleDance - “I Know” I look forward to reading your submissions so much now. This was definitely on the more simplistic side for you, which was refreshing to see. It still packed a punch and retained the charm of your other submissions, though. The way you convey such meaning behind a falling plate with the acknowledgement of responsibility by placing it on a high shelf of a cabinet… it reminded me of some of 8thPrince’s material from other tournaments in a very good way. The third verse lost me a little, particularly the hairnet lyric, but perhaps it is of personal significance. I really enjoyed the understated nature of this piece, carrying on as if things are fine when they are not and you long for something else, and the latter verses came through in that regard. I’ve enjoyed all of your submissions thus far and this is no exception. 10. @Jackson - “Reykjavik” Not this title after your last, your foreign era. American Björk is shook. I don’t even know where to begin with this one, the other judges said I had a “pitch black soul” when I didn’t give your last entry a 10, but I just didn’t get that emotional connection that I think is required to truly make a perfect entry. Well, I have news for you... this one did. The way I didn’t even question this was a personal song yet you still provided the receipts, iconic. Not you shouting out “Stardust” because you knew that this would be its (true) successor... genius. Seriously speaking, this wasn’t just beautiful, it was intelligently crafted with so much genuine love that I couldn’t help but feel happy for you. I’m mad you went for the closet/pride lyric in the bridge, but honestly you kinda did it in the best possible way that it doesn’t even feel cheesy. The “walk the dog for fun,” lyric was probably a bit clunkier than it should have been but honestly that’s more than a nitpick and dogs are cute. You ate this challenge and left no crumbs, not a single one. My only question is, when’s the wedding, and where’s my invitation? 11. @Augmented - “When Tradition Falls” I’m just going to say one thing... I don’t think the tradition of you having ties in the rankings is going to fall just yet, because right now you’re tied for my #1. This was honestly such a wonderful read and your continual growth from one round to the next feels like it was leading to this moment. Even without the context of your other information it was a fantastic submission, but knowing the internal struggle you’re dealing with and the fact you almost did not submit makes it hit home even more. I am so glad you decided to submit. The bridge was honestly flawless, especially the final quatrain. One of the most gorgeous uses of rainbow imagery and symbolism without even having to use the word “rainbow”. Exquisite. 12. @DatChickDoe - “Rainbow of Night” Not going to lie, at first I was like, “the WHAT willows?” This was another pretty strong entry from you and again it’s so great to see the trajectories of many writers we haven’t had the opportunity to see before. Conceptually I was pretty invested in this piece and I think it was a good approach for the challenge. You have a wonderfully poetic style here, and your imagery really does shine here. I especially loved the rainbow verse where you describe what each of the colours now mean to you. Where I think this particular song could shine even more is with some refinement—there is a lot of really good content here, but there’s a lot of inconsistency between the verses and line lengths and rhyme schemes throughout. You have really great chunks of lyrical ideas here, and I believe spending some additional time finding ways to convey the same messages and lyrical ideas with a bit more structure would have benefited this submission. Loving your output! 13. @Achilles. - “In The Closet” -0.5 points for lying about the clarinet. This was another stellar offering from you. I was a little bit worried from the title that it was going to end up a predictable mess, but I should have known you better. The way you used actual all but forgotten trinkets in the closet as a sort of accompaniment to your undisclosed sexuality was actually rather clever and unique I found. I honestly don’t care about cursing in songs, but it did catch me off guard a bit in your second verse since it just didn’t really feel necessary? A simple “junk” would have sufficed. The bridge was probably my favourite part of the song, as it should be. Actually, that’s a lie, everything afterwards is as well. I really appreciate your honesty and openness with this piece. There could definitely be a few tweaks made to tighten everything up overall but that’s almost not the point, the point is to show the flaws and acknowledge them so it’s kind of endearing as-is. I guess all I can really say is if you’re happy, that’s enough, but if you’re not happy, and this is part of the reason why, then I hope you can find it within yourself to make the changes to reach that happiness. 14. @OreGuy - “Choose Now!” It was refreshing to see a fun upbeat type song at this point, definitely! You’ve shown a lot of growth throughout this tournament (and many tournaments before that) and for that I’m really glad you’re still submitting for us. I think, conceptually, your song is solid. There’s definitely an unspoken pressure (or unfortunately spoken in some cases) regarding bisexual people to “choose a side” or have a “preference” either way, absolutely. Does the “orange” in the chorus refer to “healing” in the flag? If so, I kind of stan that. Minor thing: you labelled your post-chorus a pre-chorus as well—that said, I love the addition of this section. One thing that would have really elevated this piece for me would be if you had really committed to the binary aspect of being bi and set up a lot of “this or that” comparisons only to shoot them down with something inclusive of both, really protesting the “choose now” idea. 15. @☆lex - “I Want It All” “But exile becomes ecstacy [sic] / Once you find some company” now THIS is what we call a one-liner! (Although it’s technically two lines but who cares?) The first chorus was serving a little bit of Ava Max “So Am I” tbh, which was kind of cute. The second verse is awfully brilliant... nosy asses! The second chorus I found was quite a bit stronger than the first. I won’t lie, I didn’t really understand the significance of the bridge before the first verse, it almost read like it was from another song entirely. The third verse was very camp, and the final chorus was a fitting expansion on the second. Honestly I have a lot of mixed feelings about this entry (mixed being from good to great), I really did like it but it feels a little unpolished and there’s definitely sections that could use refinement or outright replacement, but nothing here is truly bad either. Another strong submission! 16. @Arrows - “Do You Have A Secret?” I haven’t seen Heartstopper (yet!) but it only seems you were moderately inspired and instead drew from your own experiences, which is definitely what this challenge was asking for anyway. Conceptually I think you have something strong here, it’s funny how we can look back on events that happened in our past with a more mature lens and understand the nuances of the situation a lot better. I definitely have a few of those memories. I do like this and see it as an intro or interlude of sorts since it’s on the shorter side. I think there was more that could have been done here to strengthen each of these individual lyrical ideas and make them their own special moment, as it is it feels like we’ve only been let in on such a small part of the story and I would have loved to see more. 17. @Prisoner - “Futile” This was an interesting one for sure. I appreciate you submitting despite the challenge not being your forte, this should be the last of the possibly restrictive (if that’s even the right word) challenges for the season, the final two are a lot more open-ended and fun! This definitely fits the personal experience aspect of the challenge well, and I can honestly relate to a fair chunk of it. I especially enjoyed the outro because it becomes clear that you can see how this behaviour is almost self-destructive rather than being self-improvement, there’s definitely a line that is crossed somewhere. As far as this being a song addressing your queer identity, I’m not sure if it really does work honestly, unless there is some underlying metaphor that’s completely escaped me (if so, feel free to clock!) But as a song overall, it was another strong submission from you. 18. @Tylerbv - “It Gets Better” I was ready to clock for not reading the challenge stipulation that we’re not looking for another “Born This Way” type song, but whew you showed me. We love attacking corporate greed and opportunism. I love me some water imagery, but it did feel a little shoehorned in here this time. That said, “there's a puddle of things i've done right and an ocean of wrong” was really nice. Verse two is where this song really gets interesting for me, the concept here is great. I get what you mean about it reading like a bit of an amalgamation since the way it teeters between points of view can get a little confusing at times, and I think just focusing on one point of your (probably yours/the narrators) and conveying the same ideas through that lens would have helped with cohesion. You knew it wasn’t polished and that’s definitely a sentiment I echo, but it definitely has potential if you wanted to go back and revise this at some point. 19. @mxtthewdelrey - “proud to be yours” This was unbelievably cute, possibly one of the cutest songs of the round (which is saying something since Jackson’s was intensely adorable!) I am glad we got a few songs like this because while queer love isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, sometimes it is, and it should be! When I say that, I don’t mean I literally want a song about sunshine and rainbows, and your simple everyday imagery is a strong balance of idyllic and realistic. The idea of you both up in a tree overlooking the telephone line just being happy was adorable. The lyric “when I’m in your mind, you’re in mine too” was particularly nice, and strengthened the decision for an alternate chorus. It’s not the most conceptually ambitious song or even the most unique composition structurally or lyrically, but it is really nice and I enjoyed it a lot in all of its simplicity. 20. @D e v o n - “On my way” Similar to Arrows’ submission, I see this as more of an intro or interlude of sorts due to its length, but I understand you were submitting late and just wanted to get something in which is again admirable. You’ve definitely had one of the most unique trajectories in the tournament, and are our only returning writer after a week off at this point, which is definitely something. Conceptually you’re on your way to a masterpiece here I fear, we love subverting gender roles and expectations, and I’m honestly surprised we didn’t see a whole lot more of that during this round (there was a lot more focus on sexuality rather than gender identity, which is also fine). I’d have loved if this had another few sections, or perhaps even just a bridge of sorts. But thank you for submitting, I’d say it’s your strongest thus far. 21. @8thPrince - “Cephalopods” I found this to be a very interesting submission from you. Typically your songs have a sense of wonder and beauty about them but this was very much the opposite. There was still intrigue, but you opted for more grotesque images and metaphors to convey this song’s themes, which I found worked well in this case, even if they didn’t always set up for the most glamorous or pleasurable lyrical moments. Conceptually it was the most unique of the round by a long way—definitely an interesting take on the challenge in general—and I think the comparisons to a cephalopod as being a thin-skinned, spineless individual was refreshingly clever. I also liked the ideas you played with such as “fitting the mould” and shrinking yourself, and the suggestion of drinking to cope. I’d say the overly metaphorical nature and some of the more jarring lyrics “offal and guts” detracted from the overall message a little, but it was still a well-written, accomplished piece I thoroughly enjoyed. 22. @JoeAg - “Awestruck by the Noise We Create” We love this title. You did it! You wrote a song where I didn’t have to look up a single word’s definition. In all seriousness, I know we’ve been a little hard on you in this regard (perhaps me more than the others) but it truly was nice to see a simpler side to you and I really enjoyed it. The imagery of the rock show with the cascading glitter and the sheer bliss you feel in moments like these was captured really well and simple language as usually the best way to capture those emotional moments I find. The “meet in space” lyric was great, it reminded me of a Kesha outtake with a similar title. The tangled hair like ivy imagery was also pretty great, and that whole section was sweet. We love warm blood too, not sure if these are intentional references but either way I liked them as lyrical moments. The sick/dope lyrics might have been a little too far on the colloquial side I found, but overall I think this was an important submission from you! I promise I’ll stop harassing you about word choice now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 11, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2022 Thank you, Aurora! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 11, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2022 Also me & @Remmy submitting back-to-back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tylerbv Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 You basically echoed what I felt about the song, but in a better way. I think if I had more time, I would’ve squashed the chorus and rebuilt it to mesh with the verses a bit. I like the concept but I just didn’t have time to flesh it out. Also I’d never write a BTWesque anthem. My depression says not today, fatty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remmy Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 Oh wow oh wow I don't know why but I was really expecting to get panned (Low self esteem? My other non-sex song didn't do so well? A mix of both? ) but the first review being positive is a great sign! Thanks And yup I agree that it outsells my Sigrid cosplay. 7 minutes ago, Legend E said: Also me & @Remmy submitting back-to-back I peeped that as well We just can't stop winning and twinning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mxtthewdelrey Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 woooow thank u aurora so glad u liked it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EpicSongFan Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 7 hours ago, fountain said: EpicSongFan - Mask I already said this in the thread but you are giving back to back slays with these covers. I think this is a really moving and eye opening song. The central idea of putting up a mask is so relatable because honestly I feel like probably every queer person has had to do it at some point in their lives, but in the song you take it even a step further and highlight the reality for many people which is that they have to use this mask literally to survive, which is very moving. It’s a horrible reality but it’s a very powerful subject for a song so I applaud you on using it as inspiration in this way. Lyrically you have some really stand out lines to me, specifically “why should I have all these undeserved expectations, like needing to continue the next generation” and I also love how in the bridge you specifically include “(for now)” in the hopes that perhaps one day you could live without this mask, which is a really beautiful message, and I’m glad you decided to include a more hopeful ending outlook like that in the song also. Overall I think you’ve done a great job in this challenge, and you’ve also definitely taken back the feedback we gave in terms of your concepts the past 2 rounds and here you have delivered something which has a bigger message to it, so great job. Thank you so much for the review! This song was a really deeply personal song so I didn't know how it'd be perceived but I'm glad you enjoyed the lyrics! With this entry, I figured I'd try to incorporate family (Verse 1 until Chorus 1), religion (Verse 3 until Chorus 2) then ending it on a more hopeful outlook. Am glad it paid off since this was a bit out of my comfort zone 2 minutes ago, Aurora said: 3. @EpicSongFan - “Mask” Another slap cover, we love to see it! This was a solid offering from you. The first two verses were really strong and had me hooked right away. The prechorus was nice, the closet imagery was fine, but I’m not sure what the “all of them” in the second line was referring to (would have made sense if emotions, secrets, or something plural was used on the prior line, but all that is there is identity?) I liked the changing choruses, too. The third/fourth verses weren’t as strong as the first two but they were still good and lead into the new chorus well. “Method acting until it's my new reality” was really great. The ending was rather sad but I’m honestly glad you didn’t go for the super obvious happily-ever-after ending because the truth is so many struggle to ever find the inner strength and courage to take off the mask and truly be who they are outwardly and openly, so this is a much more (unfortunately) realistic depiction. Overall, nice work! Thank you so much for the review! Actually, now that you brought up the "all of them" part, it kinda made sense. When I was writing initially, I was just thinking of how identity represented everything inside of me - basically my emotions, secrets, who I am as a person. Essentially, I'm made to become someone else sorta thing. So, I didn't really think about how it'd sound like from an outsider perspective so thank you for that! Definitely will keep that in mind for the next few rounds I'm also glad you like the method acting line! That was the first thing I thought about when I conceived the "Mask" title, actually I initially was gonna do a happy hopeful ending but I figured it wouldn't be realistic and also because I feel like this was my personal situation atm so it wouldn't make sense for me to end it on a great note. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lex Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 (edited) Thank you for the review @Aurora Tbh this was a difficult entry for me, so I know it was kinda all over the place But I’m glad parts stood out! Edited June 11, 2022 by ☆lex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 11, 2022 Author Share Posted June 11, 2022 (edited) Round 4: The Queer Pride Challenge @Hug - To Make a Man… In my opinion, this is a perfect interpretation of the challenge. When coming up with this challenge, this was exactly the type of song that I hoped for. This feels like something that could only exist from the queer perspective and in queer context, which is why it’s such a good representation for this round, and I love you for writing this; music needs more pieces with messages like this. Lyrically, I like that you went for a more toned down and conversational take, as much as something poetic could have been beautiful with this theme I think that given a message like this, trying to put it more into basic terms helps get the message across easier for potential listeners or readers, which makes sense as a stylistic choice and helps the song become more universal and understandable. It would be amazing to hear a song like this on the radio or something, and it reads like it could be with how you executed it. Ultimately I would say this is my favourite entry from you so far, you’ve really done a great job with the challenge and have created something with a fantastic message that really does convey queer pride. Great job! @Julia Fox - Things I Did When I Was Little Okay I absolutely love the joy that exudes from your entry, it has a beautiful “I’m proud and don’t give a ****” energy which is fantastic, like reading it actually made me smile and laugh at some points. I would also say it’s very relatable, the stuff about looking up to the pop stars and wanting to be like them, that’s very cute and I’m sure most of us have been in those exact same shoes! Framing this as looking at the things that you did when you were young and how they lead to who you are today was also a really lovely and nostalgic choice that works nicely. Now, is it the most eloquent, poetic and well written song ever? No. But I really enjoyed it for what it was. And, you’ve definitely done a great job with the challenge and have written something that is really full of joy and queer pride. Also, if the stuff about Ivan and getting married and the cats are all true, then that is incredibly sweet (and I’ll be awaiting my invite x). Overall, I think this is a great improvement over last week and was a really lovely read. @EpicSongFan - Mask I already said this in the thread but you are giving back to back slays with these covers. I think this is a really moving and eye opening song. The central idea of putting up a mask is so relatable because honestly I feel like probably every queer person has had to do it at some point in their lives, but in the song you take it even a step further and highlight the reality for many people which is that they have to use this mask literally to survive, which is very moving. It’s a horrible reality but it’s a very powerful subject for a song so I applaud you on using it as inspiration in this way. Lyrically you have some really stand out lines to me, specifically “why should I have all these undeserved expectations, like needing to continue the next generation” and I also love how in the bridge you specifically include “(for now)” in the hopes that perhaps one day you could live without this mask, which is a really beautiful message, and I’m glad you decided to include a more hopefully ending outlook like that in the song also. Overall I think you’ve done a great job in this challenge, and you’ve also definitely taken back the feedback we gave in terms of your concepts the past 2 rounds and here you have delivered something which has a bigger message to it, so great job. @Better Mistakes - Her Eyes Are Blue and Mine Are Brown I think this is a concept everybody can relate to, the boy who got away, who might have ended up as something more in different circumstances. Maybe because I’m a little more of an optimist I might feel this way, but it would have been cute to hear more about the positive things, the things that you liked about him and the friendship with him, but overall the feeling in the song is definitely quite resonant as it is. I think the concept itself is good but perhaps could have been executed a little better, for the most part there are not a lot of unique or personal details in the song that highlight the relationship or the story in the song, it is more so very focused on the feeling, and I think due to this you have portrayed the feeling very well, but it’s also not an entirely unique feeling. It could apply to other situations, other relationships, and so overall I think the specifics of how you feel for this person could have been better portrayed as we are missing out on more of the story and the personal details here, specifics which really help to sell a song like this. As it is it’s clear how you feel toward him, but the reader (or listener) doesn’t specifically have a lot of investment in this relationship, it doesn’t feel too unique or special, because it’s been talked about quite generally. A piece of advice is that if you are writing something like this and you are trying to portray a relationship, think about the relationships in terms of a story, like a movie or a book. At the start do you care about these people or their relationship? Not really, but you get to watch it develop throughout and become attached to them, and a song should be similar, but as it is in this song the relationship really isn’t developed so my piece of advice would be when writing songs like this in the future you can think back on this, you want the person on the other end of the song to have as much investment in what is being talked about, but it’s hard to have that when you don’t know the intimacy or the details; only you know that, and so it’s best to put those things across in the song for the song to have it’s best desired effect. Hopefully this makes sense! @Euterpe - Timeless You were definitely at somewhat of a disadvantage this round due to not actually being a part of the queer community… but just like allies are important in supporting our community, it can be the same for non-queer people to uplift the queer community through song (specifically, if you look the majority of “pride anthems” are actually from non-queer artists). All of this is to say, I was looking forward to your interpretation of the challenge just as much as anybody else’s, and… I thought it was really beautiful. It’s one thing to look at a relationship from the eyes of somebody within that relationship, but it’s an entirely different and special thing to watch it from the perspective of somebody outside but close to the relationship, and I thought it was a really lovely and beautiful depiction. The future tense use, writing it as if you are currently at their upcoming wedding, really helped give a lot of lovely imagery, and tbh, I think you should read this out at their wedding! That would just be so cute. It might have been an initially hard task but I think you really embraced this challenge and wrote an incredibly charming song for your friend, which is really touching. I am sure that she is going to (or did) love it, as did I. Really nice job and an amazing dedication for your friend and her future wife! @hurricane326 - My Man Is this inspired by Queen Barbra Streisand’s Funny Girl? I love this song. I think it’s my favourite from you so far. The dreamy, fantastic approach is really warm and beautiful, paired with your poetic style it makes a really stunning piece. I also love some of the coy and playful lyricism, the grinning line, “I’m younger and I tend to have more spark”, “he’s just a little older and has more friends, but when talking to them about me, so i’ve heard, he doesn’t know where to end”, these lines gives the song a really fun energy too and help balance out the most mystical side, all the beautiful lines about nature which are amazing too, but these are my favourite as it helped tone down the entry overall and didn’t push it too far into unintelligible territory - it’s always nice to have more down to Earth moments like these which end up highlighting the more poetic sides, too. Altogether I don’t really have any criticisms for this song, I didn’t read your other submissions so I’m not sure how they fare in comparison to this one because I only wanted to get an impression from your final one, but the impression that I do get is that your submitting and editing paid off, because this is your standout to me so far. Really good job. @Legend E - It’s My Time to Go Okay, there are a lot of great ideas here and a lot of really poignant and thoughtful lyrics, but I think the execution is off. The problem is… there is just a lot going on. Like, a lot. You’ve condensed the Pulse shooting, homophobia, religion, death, depression, hook up culture, and substance abuse all in one song… when really even just one of these themes on their own would have been enough. It’s just a case of way too many ideas all being thrown in at once, and while some of these themes play a part together and intertwine, it still leaves the song ultimately feeling quite heavy handed; there’s really no subtlety or moment to take a breath at all throughout the song, it’s just kinda trauma after trauma which at a point can lose its intention. Again these are not bad ideas and there was a lot of good in the song too, but the execution is off so I’m hoping this can explain why. If I were to use a metaphor… think of writing a song like cooking, you don’t have to throw in every flavouring and every ingredient, that just crowds and overpowers whatever you are making, right? But it’s easy to do, you get all these ideas and you want to include them but I would say in a case like this, less certainly would have been more. I think it would’ve done the song a service to instead focus on more elements of just one or maybe two of the themes, being able to expand on a specific topic and give the song a more cohesive message and story. Now I should give some praise too because even though this did go off the rails a bit, there were still a lot of great ideas and lines. For example, the lyric on hookup culture was very interesting and could have had a whole song dedicated to it, I know a lot of people feel the same way and it’s quite a big part of the community and it would have been very interesting to hear more from that perspective. I also thought that this depiction of heaven was interesting, the idea that angels themselves up there might not be accepting was very interesting as typically heaven is portrayed as a safe haven; the idea that homophobia could still exist in heaven is not something that I have ever come across and was extremely interesting to think about. And of course the section on substance abuse and mental health was a really poignant part as these are issues that plague the queer community and do need to be discussed, so it was nice to see that included in the song. Overall I think this harkens back to the Kelly Clarkson song a little bit, the execution was off and things went a bit off the rails I have to say, but the concepts remained strong; my advice to you for the future after reading this entry would really be to try and edit and trim back in the future, pick one idea and stick to it and use the space within your song to explore that idea from different perspectives throughout the song, rather than having multiple ideas and having them shift each verse. Your creativity is palpable but in these cases it might need reigning in. @Remmy - Pulse I think your entry really eencompasses the journey that a lot of queer people go through and have to struggle with… those moments when they first notice they are different, start looking into it more and then see the vitriol, start to fall victim to that hate a bit and then worry about their indentity… but then come out proud and stronger for having been through this. It’s a tale as old as time really, but it’s a very real thing and I think your song has demonstrated this quite well. I have to say I specifically love the “they have the authority, but we’re not their priority” line which was very poignant. Have you ever tried writing from a more poetic style? I notice with this song and with your Sigrid song you chose themes that have a lot of depth, but have executed them at times in a more lighthearted and less matured way (in this song I’m specifically pointing at the “why don’t I look like the prom king” line), which is interesting because people usually tend to do the opposite. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it could be interesting to see you try a more matured writing style too if you go for a song concept like this again, just to at least see how it works out and if it compliments the writing. I think it’s worked in both cases so far too, since with this song you’re writing from the perspective of somebody discovering them so they would be at a young age and probably would be concerned with something like being like a prom king, but in terms of lyrics it’s not the most moving to be honest coming from an adult perspective, so I would be careful with that in other songs. But overall I think you’ve embraced the challenge very well. @GentleDance - I Know I really like this. Again it’s your signature alluring and abstract style that we have come to learn, and I love it. Now, I can’t confidently say that I am interpreting it completely correct, but to me this reads as a song coming from the perspective of someone who is living in a heterosexual relationship and hasn’t come out yet? That’s what it appeared as to me, at least. And reading it in that context, it was really quite moving and melancholic, a mood which perfectly went with the imagery used and the metaphors you went for. What I love about your writing, which is highlighted perfectly in this song, is how unique your point of view is. I’m not sure if anybody else could so effectively use something like plates in a cupboard as a metaphor, but you did it in such a stunning way. I also particularly loved the line “I wanna live in sin with the boy with the scruffy chin”, which is so sweet but in the context of the song really heartbreaking. Overall, another fantastic and very impressive entry from you; a unique and subtle take on the challenge, but one that I absolutely loved reading. @Jackson - Reykjavik This is obviously a really intimate and personal song, and it’s beautiful. The personal details that you have put into this song are stunning; if I wanted a queer love song submitted this round, this is the perfect example of it. You’ve done an exquisite job of beautifully portraying your love here and you can tell that every line is dedicated to that love, which is amazing to read. I think this song also beautifully shows your own personal growth, which I can attest to, you’ve definitely matured and grown into a proud person, and putting that into the song was really lovely and special. It’s going to be a short review overall probably because, well, what is there to change about this? Actually… I can suggest one thing… I hate the line “fast forward four years later”, absolutely hate it. I feel when a lyric like that appears, I can’t help but feel that a huge piece of the story is missing and that a lot of context is being lost because, of course, you’re literally saying let’s pass over four years of time. It’s also a bit lazy of a writing device really, there are much more eloquent ways to get the same point across. Now, you do comment on and suggest what occurred over those four years so it’s not that egregious, but really I just have to find something to specifically comment on because… I fear you’ve done it again. Fabulous job. @Augmented - When Tradition Falls The fact that you nearly skipped this round because of the subject matter but instead decided to embrace it and write this song… that is powerful and to me that is a true act of pride, so I have to applaud you for writing this. The song is clearly incredibly personal and inspired, and I find it just as powerful as the act of writing it itself. It’s really a beautiful song, you called part of it melodramatic but I really wouldn’t say that it is, I mean for a lot of people this stuff is literally life or death, and you tackling such a scary topic and creating a song like this is what we need. These are the messages and the stories that we need to tell. This song is quintessential pride for me, what it should be about, and what I hoped this round would be about. I think you’ve done a brilliant job and you should be incredibly proud of yourself having written this. @DatChickDoe - Rainbow of Night I’m happy to say that I think this song continues your streak of showing great growth. This entry is really poetic and some of the language you use is really beautiful, so full of imagery and really nice lyricism. The story feels a little more abstract with lines like “a banshee crushes a crippled rose” and “nectar of life oozing” but I think that ultimately it all came together in the end, and overall I liked this style for you. It was a really intriguing and cleverly written song overall, and this is definitely up there with your last entry. In terms of taking on the challenge you’ve done a wonderful job, even incorporating the colours of the rainbow into your entry which was a really nice touch; it could have been kind of cheesy, but in the style you have written this idea ended up being pulled off so well done. Overall another strong submission for you! @Achilles.. - In the Closet I was unsure based on the title initially… but this concept is amazing and clearly very personal. It absolutely resonated with me because of how much personal detail you have put into this. It’s beautiful but at the same time so sad too, and I think you’ve drawn the line perfectly between the two… because even though there is that sense of hiding, there is clearly still a beautiful and bright person inside given all of those things that you have hidden in there, these items which demonstrate and show your pride, the only actual issue being that you feel unable to show it… which is a feeling a lot of people would relate to. In terms of the challenge, you’ve met it perfectly in this way. To be totally honest, this is probably my favourite entry from you thus far. It’s a bit less poetic and conceptual than some of the others you have produced, but sometimes the deepest emotion can be found in something simple, and I think that is what you have shown here. You should be very proud of this song, fantastic job. @OreGuy - Choose Now! I think you’ve written a lovely song which touches on a topic that I think a lot of bisexual people deal with, which is the idea of being torn between two sides, and then the feeling that you aren’t enough of either or that one side could be a lie. You demonstrated all of that really well with your song, so in terms of the challenge you have done a really great job. On the lyrical side I think once again this entry shows your growth, this does feel a little less poetic than your last entry but I think it works for the story you were trying to tell, though I do think in the future it might be interesting to see you attempt to really push that poetic side again and see how far you can take it and what you can create with it. But overall I think this is a very nice entry, it shows another interesting side to pride and queer life in general so great job. @☆lex - I Want it All I love a lot of what your song has touched on. In the first verse, how you talked about the phenomenon of not being “man” enough to fit in with boys, but then being too much of a “man” to 100% fit in with girls, is definitely something I can relate to and I love that you talked about it. There are so many instances where queer people get left out like that and it’s a really interesting basis for this first verse. It would have been interesting for the whole song to revolve around that tbh! But I also enjoy the other topics that you have explored too, for example in the chorus the feeling of wanting to be everything, everything that people say you shouldn’t be, is palpable. I also really liked to mentions to a lot of queer culture, whether than be “painted nails”, blue Jean girls and sundress boys”, and also the closing part to the song, “dancing with a man who’s calling me a brand new name” which was really beautiful; in terms of the challenge you’ve done a fantastic job, this has lovely joyous queer energy and it was really fun to read. If I have a criticism, the bridge where you brought up Christmas was pretty random to be honest and I would say I felt it didn’t really add anything to the song in general, so that was a bit of a missed opportunity. But overall I think this is a really nice entry, and you’ve portrayed the challenge very well, so good job. (Side note: you had a couple of instances of typos again, it makes no difference to me but others might choose to point it out, I don’t know if you use google docs already but if you haven’t used it before then look into it as a tool for writing your songs in because it might be helpful, as with a google doc you can still edit and read back what you’ve sent, so would be good for any potential typos or double words or anything). @Arrows - Do You Have a Secret? I really like the inspiration behind this song because I think it’s a really bittersweet thing that a lot of us go through in our childhood, that upon late reflection means much more than we originally thought it did, and I think you did a great job of capturing that feeling here in your song. The most obvious thing, and I’m sure you were probably expecting this criticism, is that it’s pretty short. What you have is good, but it could definitely use expansion and more depth to it. Overall I think this song has a lot of potential, though in its current form it’s definitely not your best, but I understand if you ran out of time. With a little more time put into it and some editing, it could be fantastic, so I would sum it up as being a really nice first draft. @Prisoner - Futile I feel like this is a pretty fresh take on the challenge,we definitely have a few entries coming from the perspective of somebody not out, but I like how instead of your song totally being about that aspect itself, the song is about the things that you do as an effect of this, which I think is a really interesting take. If I’m totally honest I don’t think it is lyrically your strongest entry, but here your writing excels more in the telling of the story as opposed to having hard hitting lyrics, which in terms of this challenge I think is fine. Overall I think this is another solid entry from you, and I enjoyed seeing your perspective on this challenge. @Tylerbv - It Gets Better This is definitely an interesting take on the round. There are certainly people who feel this way about pride and the community at large, and I can understand why to a degree. The disillusionment when a community is forced to have to try and embrace being proud due to being so hated by many, and the issues that arise when some people aren’t able to do that to such a degree, are quite interesting; it can definitely feel distancing, and I think you put that across quite well in your entry. The concept of portraying this phenomenon as an amusement attraction was very unique and interesting too. There were also some strong lyrics to point out, such as “there’s a puddle of things I’ve done right and an ocean of wrong”. Overall I think this is a good entry despite you saying it isn’t polished, you’ve tackled quite a complex theme and done well. @mxtthewdelrey - proud to be yours This is such a lovely song. This is up there as another favourite of mine from you. Now, to some this could come across cheesy, but honestly I love it. It’s sickly sweet but it’s so pure and gorgeous, I absolutely loved reading this, it just instantly made me happy. If the straights can have songs like this, we deserve them too, queer love stories that are dreamy and cute to the highest degree with no shame. We love to see it. The mxtthewdelrey stanning era continues. @D e v o n - On my way You have a really great story here and I love the message, the song has a lot of potential, but it just isn’t finished. If it were longer I think this could have been amazing. It’s unfortunate that you haven’t been able to write it in full, but the positive is that you have the beginning to a great song here, just work on it a little more. @8thPrince - Cephalopods Oh this is very interesting. The concept itself. about how heteronormativity can cut away at us and make us feel small is a really good one and familiar one, but the way in which you have executed it in this song is brilliant, profound and unique. I like how you describe things in quite brutal metaphors because I think it works in two ways: it shows the beating down of this person and puts across the message of the song, but it also shows literally that they are a person, their body and their tissue and their guts and their blood are all the same; and I don’t know if you were specifically going for that idea, but it’s genius if so. The image it creates in my mind is so rich too , I can picture this story as a really dark and twisted animation, or something like Coraline even (I’ve never actually seen it but that’s the vibe I get), and that’s a testament to your writing ability and creativity that you have invoked such a thing. I think overall this might be my favourite entry of yours so far, they’ve all been strong and particularly unique, but this one specifically is something special I feel. @JoeAg - Awestruck by the Noise We Create This is a really lovely and intimate song. Your depiction of queer love here is beautiful and unapologetic, and I love it. This is definitely the type of song I was hoping to see this round, something that really demonstrates and showcases the beauty of queer love. If I’m going to be picky, I don’t like the double use of ‘while’ in the lines “while friends rejoice while glitter cascades” and “while family returns while we wail our hearts out”, the second instance of ‘while’ in both lines could have just been replaced with ‘and’ and would have flowed a lot more naturally in my opinion, but this is such a minor thing and really a nitpick. Overall I really loved your song, it was sweet and really beautiful, happy you were able to submit this round! Edited June 12, 2022 by fountain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 11, 2022 Author Share Posted June 11, 2022 @Arrows @Prisoner @Tylerbv @mxtthewdelrey @D e v o n if I have any intention of getting an even semi decent sleep I’m gonna have to review yours tomorrow, sorry! (These entries were all late anyway though so… ?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 11, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2022 Thanks, fountain. I'll keep it into account for the next submission! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 11, 2022 ATRL Moderator Share Posted June 11, 2022 8 minutes ago, Legend E said: Thanks, fountain. I'll keep it into account for the next submission! I do have to say, however, that I feel these themes are quite tied together, and it basically is overall just a song about someone trying to accept and get over their partner's death but not being able to do so. To me it also doesn't seem similar in execution to the Kelly song, as that was just a big ass metaphor (which I agree was not executed in the best way), rather than a continuous state of questioning, as I feel this song was. But, I will try to trim the fat then next time and I'm really sorry it didn't come across the way I intended it to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Into The Void Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 I haven't submitted yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Achilles. Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 Thanks for the reviews! LOL I love that my title faked you both out. I actually considered renaming the song because I felt a bit like “In The Closet” makes it too obvious where the song is going to go, but the only other title I considered was “The Better Part of Me” and I thought giving away the last line was the less appealing idea. Plus I’ve had the “In The Closet” concept in the back of my mind for six years, so it was hard to let go of. Much like all the junk in my closet. Going from the reviews, it looks like there were many interesting, personal songs submitted this week. Great work everybody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted June 11, 2022 Share Posted June 11, 2022 OMG @Aurora how long did this take you? thank you - i totally agree with everything you said & i'm glad you caught the Stardust reference . the dog line was initially worse, but my dog was literally staring at me while i was writing the song and i couldn't cut his cameo out, so i tightened it up a bit but i still wasn't completely enamored with it. i included the closet/pride lines to make sure the song truly fit the challenge in case the pronouns didn't make it explicit enough. i agree with what you said in mxtt's review - i feel like there's a lot of songs about gay people suffering and struggling with their identity, and i've written that song before, so i wanted to just write a completely sappy gay love song Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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