UFO Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 18 minutes ago, Speezy said: Wait at me making you feel uncomfortable At least you didn't write that steel sex/impregnation bop like what even ...... "steel sex" alone gives me major anxiety NNNN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speezy Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) 13 minutes ago, UFO said: At least you didn't write that steel sex/impregnation bop like what even ...... "steel sex" alone gives me major anxiety NNNN "Put oil on it cause I know that youre kinda rusty" "Clink Clank ..." the song was a mess and needed the loose ends tied Edited May 31, 2017 by Speezy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 ok i'm nearly done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted May 31, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted May 31, 2017 1 hour ago, Aurora said: 12. @Tsareena - Apparition [Ghost] A tight, yet again obvious, connection to the type from the get-go. I love the word “apparition” though, much better than “ghost”. I don’t think anyone’s used ‘hazy’ and ‘hazel’ together before in PH (or ‘hazy’ at all, without rhyming it with ‘crazy’), and I really enjoyed that lyric. “fell” should be “fallen”, though. Overall, I really like what you’ve done. I like the “two days” recurring motif, the progression in the song as the narrator realises what the apparition is doing to their life etc. Definitely some strong ghost imagery here. Suggestion(s): - Finesse your lyrical choices. This was a good entry but could have been even better with some alterations. A few adjectives and descriptors here and there can really make the imagery of a song pop. omg thanks for the review. I struggled a bit with the idea of imagery but I'm glad you got the narrator's point of view and 2's. I googled alterations thinking it was a literary device lmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UFO Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) 30 minutes ago, Speezy said: "Put oil on it cause I know that youre kinda rusty" "Clink Clank ..." the song was a mess and needed the loose ends tied OMG still screaming @ how sex was the first thing that popped in your mind when you saw "steel" fffffdddd Edited May 31, 2017 by UFO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 Pear Reviews funnellegs - Read Your Mind - Psychic Firstly I really like your interpretation of ‘psychic’ with the idea of things being different if you could read her mind. This is awesome. The song itself I also really enjoy. But I don’t feel it totally fits the challenge as well as it could. I enjoy the simple, story telling style - but the round is kinda more focused on making your song revolve with a lot of imagery and it was kind of lacking in that aspect. As far as sticking to a theme, I dig it, but never let it limit yourself - eventually maybe the inspiration could run dry from it. Gastrodonatella- The Antivenom - Poison I actually really like this. Personally I like the style you chose, I don’t think being simplicity or directness are necessarily bad so long as your entry retains a strong, songlike feel elsewhere, and this does with the meter. You can have whatever opinion you want but the lines between poetry and ‘song’ are blurred to me - in terms of writing I view them similar, with one being sung and one being spoken. So I have no problem with this at all in that regard. It’s clearly a certain type of song - this is not some pop, radio ready song. Things don’t have to be! I totally appreciate this. But it does read more of general ‘dark’ than ‘poison’. RihsusChrist(ATG) - Coconut - Water I hope you enjoy your vacation! Glassmouth - Icarus - Flying Your interpretation of flying was really good and your concept was quite strong, but the main issue I kind of have is that it’s hard to find any kind of meter going on here. Your lines are massive and don’t read with a rhythm, as a song should, but rather just as words. That’s the main thing distracting me. Lyrically you’re not too bad off, just get the meter in check! Beatinglikeadrum - Heaven For You, Hell For Me - Dark I like your handwriting. Kinda in general, just lacking some imagery. Thematically it makes sense, but you don’t actually paint a dark image, you just tell a sad story, if you see what I mean. Maybe if it was “write a sad song” round, but this round was to focus on imagery, focusing more on the actual darkness rather than the story. Pretty much the only imagery was a black shirt. I hope your keyboard gets fixed. Buyonce1814 - Garden of Eden - Fairy Omg girl again with some of these thesaurus words :skull:. Maybe I’m just DUMB but it’s harder for me to connect lyrically when some of the words are just not natural and don’t make sense like this. That said your inspiration is obvious and it was very cute. I specifically liked the bridge with all the Ariana references. Hug - Candle - Fire S9 teas with your writing a song from a parent’s perspective. The story, to me, was a little vague. I guess the kid got lost or something, but it’s a little unclear. Despite it advancing in time with the verses, I didn’t really feel like it increased in intensity, which I kinda feel it should’ve. Nait Phoenix - All In Your Head - Dark You have one of the better uses of imagery thus far for sure. That’s probably your strongest suit in this song. Thematically it’s kind of charted ground and doesn’t give me much feeling of uniqueness. Certainly not bad, but I kinda feel like a lot of the time songs in this theme pretty often all say kind of the same thing rather than having a unique flare. Pecinta Mariah - So Broken (Song for Manchester) - Fighting I think the topic required a bit more elegance. UFO - Let The Water Fall - Water This is a slayful 10. Speezy - My Drink - Bug This artpop interpretation of bug :jonny:. The main thing I felt was that your execution of this was a little weird. You took something typically dark and spun it into more of a playful way, with all the bug metaphors. I kinda feel like just straight up doing it in a straightforward way would’ve excelled a little more probably, but this entry is certainly unique and memorable. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like this in PH before and probably won’t again. Tsareena - Apparition - Ghost Considering this is one of the first songs you’ve ever written, it’s cute. Your interpretation and usage of ghost aint bad, you have a clear narrative. My advice would be, if you’re going for something like this with more of a narrative, you could’ve explored the story a little more. You don’t really give much backstory of the relationship, and focus more on the longing for this person. Mxtthewdelrey - Floor Song - Dark The verses are cute, but the chorus is creepy with the I’ll be under your floors thing. I feel like if you’re going to go for psychopath stuff, go all the way! It should've been more creepy and more weird! Kind of the opposite of what you’re usually told, but it felt like this song called for it in a way. The spanish line was very cute. SaintWest - Ship - Water The “O Captain!” stuff was pretty awkward to me. It was too campy for a song which the rest of the time felt nothing like that. It was kinda jarring. The rest, though, was cute. Although, and normally I don’t drag people for specific lyrics, but some of this was a little too easy like “now my ship’s sinking, i wasn’t thinking”. You could word some things a lot more eloquently I feel. FCKNAmbrosia - Dance of the Dragons and the Epitaph of Medieval *****s - Dragon Too me, this was far too much fantasy. I think in terms of lyrically, with songs, you can obviously go for metaphorical things, which at first I thought this was, but as it went on and on it just felt more like a creative writing story rather than a song with some sort of emotional metaphor. So I really didn’t get the whole narrative and dragon stuff. It was just a bit far out there. If it was a metaphor, it just went too far. If not, it was confusing for obvious reasons. Cupid - The Life You Should Have Known - Psychic This is so elegant and well done. Definitely the way to approach a topic like this. 10. Corsola - Fire Entry - Fire My favourite fire type pokemon is Volcarona. Ceremonials - Currents - Water BITCH my fave. 10. Honestly my favourite song from you. Auburn - Silver Fight - Steel I’m shocked, at first I thought this wouldn’t have enough imagery but you actually pulled it off really well! I think as far as imagery goes, this is perfect. But for me personally, to get the highest score I would’ve appreciated a little more narrative to push it futher. But still, loved this entry! ONIKACRAZY - Thoughtography - Psychic I like this a lot! I understand the idea of it being psychic, but to me it kind of could’ve used some stronger imagery since this was an imagery round. But in general I just find this pretty alluring! Your style here to me feels really unique. Continue with this! OreGuy - Hold On, Trust Me - Water While the verses did well with the imagery, I felt like it could’ve just used more in the chorus and pre chorus. It didn’t feel like the song totally embodied water, for me. Lane Boy - The Ebb and Flow - Water It’s interesting, I still get a sense of unique style in this from you, but it’s a lot more elegant and less simple than your last song. In general it feels like a step up, with this strong use of imagery, and I already liked your last song a lot so you’re definitely doing well! Lucky#17 - Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark - Dark This is very, very cute! I love the theme specifically. My only negative critique would be that I think this didn’t totally embody “dark” - it was a good enough use I think, but I think you just could’ve went further I suppose. 8thPrince - Boxing with Shadows - Dark Very enigmatic, very 8th. The narrative, I think, is of someone having a rumour spread about them? I can never be totally sure with you. You have a signature style as always and you pull it off very well, but I will say I’m just left with a little uncertainty sometimes of what everything totally means. DripDrip - No Crowns - Fire I really like the whole “no crown” concept, it’s very cute, and the song in general gives me a really nice, almost nostalgic feel. Idk how to explain it totally, but it’s very sentimental and sweet to me. I would mostly say, it didn’t totally sell ‘fire’ to me. Could’ve done a lot more imagery wise. @funnellegs@Gastrodonatella@RihsusChrist(ATG)@Glassmouth@beatinglikeadrum@Buyonce1814@Hug@Nait Phoenix@Pecinta Mariah@UFO@Speezy@Tsareena@mxtthewdelrey@SaintWest@FCKNAmbrosia@Cupid@Corsola@ceremonials@Auburn@ONIKACRAZY@OreGuy@Lane Boy@Lucky#17@8thPrince@DripDrip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 STAN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Screaming at Deathmonials being back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: Screaming at Deathmonials being back It's necromonials you uncultured swine. It's also not really about death, it's supposed to be a metaphor for something much simpler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: It's necromonials you uncultured swine. It's also not really about death, it's supposed robbery a metaphor for something much simpler 1 Bonnie and Clyde are shook Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speezy Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: This artpop interpretation of bug :jonny:. The main thing I felt was that your execution of this was a little weird. You took something typically dark and spun it into more of a playful way, with all the bug metaphors. I kinda feel like just straight up doing it in a straightforward way would’ve excelled a little more probably, but this entry is certainly unique and memorable. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like this in PH before and probably won’t again. Wait Yeah I felt like if I did it straightforward, I'd get dragged Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Thank you for the comments about long/short reviews so far. I'll keep everything in mind and just try to work harder to get reviews out. Results for this round will probably be posted before I finished my Batch 2 reviews, but I will get them up at some point. 1 hour ago, RihsusChrist(ATG) said: I think that is my problem...I think of what would sound good on the radio, and not how its lyrically developed or structured. I just don't want it to get into "poem" territory...but ill try ya advice next time. Just do whatever you feel comfortable with! The good thing about this season is that you can't get eliminated if you try something new and it doesn't work out. But I would strongly suggest trying something new next round, something that is a little more lyrically developed and structured. 1 hour ago, UFO said: @Aurora From a leaf, water droplets travelled down the stem Then they dripped into my mouth like I'd been poisoned it's not actual poison sis. It's LIKE poison. The entire song is basically one huge sexual innuendo of someone accepting sexuality. Water = sexuality. My Hummingbird Heartbeat nnnn it starts off with water droplets and then in the bridge it turns into Now we delve deeper and deeper like two oceans together also in the final chorus And I let the water fall into me turns into And I let the water fall, fall into me. It's a reversal of power because now both of them are oceans but having said that, I do tend to use fanciful and outlandish, abstract imagery which is why I don't really like rounds that are imagery-focused. But I definitely see where you're coming from! I really need to work on how to keep a balance when it comes to my more outlandish imagery. Its one of my major weaknesses, so I'm glad you pointed that out. I have a bad habit of wanting to confuse the judges and see how y'all interpret my songs NNNN so I kind of write vaguely sometimes to see what y'all will say, that's why many of my lyrics usually have several meanings NNN e.g Rivers of movement glisten in my eyes this could either mean: the person's own excitement, or the person seeing the movements of their lover I know. It's kind of complicated Basically, I write a metaphor and I write a metaphor of that metaphor which is then used to represent my message which is done through an extended metaphor and then is written in water imagery. That is basically how I wrote my song this round Ffffffffffffff why do I over complicate things for my self nnnnn I tend not to be explicit with my songs because it's fun for me when y'all decipher the meaning of my songs. I LOOOOVE complex wordplay Which is basically a bad thing, I'm basically self-sabotaging at this point nnnnn I need to stop doing that because the messages in my songs never get executed properly anyways thank you! And I prefer LONGER reviews. They help me out a lot more tbh I understood it wasn't actual poison, but a simile has to work both ways to be effective. You're likening the water dripping to poison, which suggests that poison dripping into a mouth is commonplace, which it is not. For example, "the ocean roars like a lion" suggests a lion roaring is common, which it is, but if I had said, "the ocean roars like an eagle", the simile doesn't make sense, because an eagle does not roar. Something as simple as, "then they dripped into my mouth like I’d been cleansed," seems to be a much better fit for me; it fits the acceptance of sexuality more (rather than poison, which has a negative connotation), it works with the simile (you're much more likely to let something cleansing enter your body) and it's even a better rhyme. Your ideas are not the problem, they're probably some of the most inventive of the bunch. I just think the execution does need work at times because it's like, I get what you're going for, but there are times when the metaphor you're using doesn't actually make sense standalone, if we are to take it at face value. The best metaphors make sense when you skim them, as well as read deeper into them. The "rivers of movement" is a good example. It might have multiple metaphorical meanings, but in actuality you can't have a "river of movement"; at best it's redundant because a river is always flowing. I know - it's not an actual river - but I think that's your biggest hurdle. You have to make a metaphor that DOES make sense if it WAS an actual river, yet also have those secret, underlying meanings. I'm only saying these things because I'm pretty sure you're capable of doing it, but whether you want to do it, for artistic reasons or otherwise, is completely up to you. Last week your song was a perfect balance for me, and you were actually my (tied) #1 because of that. This week, it ventured a little too into the has good abstract meaning but the base meaning is disjointed/confusing. If you can perfect that balance, I'd stan every time. 1 hour ago, Hug said: I would just like the record to show that the child could've been kidnapped! I never expressly stated that they died! Also, we've had plenty of death songs in this game before Whatever, though, I just thought it would be an even worse song if the child WAS okay at the end. Just a friendly reminder that I've only been a judge once before. You're not wrong that the "let's write a song about death" angle has served people well in the past, and as a contestant that's always irked me. No shade, but songs such as Vilomah which were highly praised would have suffered a similar fate to your song had I been on the panel then. That's the thing with PH, every judge is different and has different tastes, weaknesses and pet hates. I guess it's your prerogative whether you want to play to those or just write what you want to write. (For the record, you're probably right about the song being worse if it ended like a happy little fairytale.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted May 31, 2017 ATRL Moderator Share Posted May 31, 2017 4 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Tsareena - Apparition - Ghost Considering this is one of the first songs you’ve ever written, it’s cute. Your interpretation and usage of ghost aint bad, you have a clear narrative. My advice would be, if you’re going for something like this with more of a narrative, you could’ve explored the story a little more. You don’t really give much backstory of the relationship, and focus more on the longing for this person. yas thanks . I really didn't know how to expand the story without writing a soap opera so I kept it vague Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: Bonnie and Clyde are shook Ugh stop it was autocorrect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UFO Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 4 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: UFO - Let The Water Fall - Water This is a slayful 10. Bish what?!!?! I'm SCREAMING. I was not expecting this. At all. Omg thank you! inb4 it's sarcasm and you gave me a 0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 1 minute ago, Aurora said: Just a friendly reminder that I've only been a judge once before. You're not wrong that the "let's write a song about death" angle has served people well in the past, and as a contestant that's always irked me. No shade, but songs such as Vilomah which were highly praised would have suffered a similar fate to your song had I been on the panel then. That's the thing with PH, every judge is different and has different tastes, weaknesses and pet hates. I guess it's your prerogative whether you want to play to those or just write what you want to write. (For the record, you're probably right about the song being worse if it ended like a happy little fairytale.) Well you're obviously allowed your perspective, of course! I just didn't think I was acclaim baiting with my song because I sent it knowing it wasn't great. I can also see it being cheap, though. It's just what I ended up with. I'm going to hopefully do better next week regardless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Well, I tried. Thanks, Pears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speezy Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 27 minutes ago, UFO said: OMG still screaming @ how sex was the first thing that popped in your mind when you saw "steel" fffffdddd It was honestly. Nothing is wrong with a little "gear grinding" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 5 minutes ago, SaintWest said: Well, I tried. Thanks, Pears. its actually more positive than it looks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 @Temporal @Aurora @ughgabriel Hi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DripDrip Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Thank you Pears, nostalgia was what I was going for part of me felt like i Ike I kept throwing in burning, fire and hot to much that I'd be read for it tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Because I'm a flop, I sent my scores to Pears ahead of writing reviews so results can happen sooner. I'll be writing reviews now/during results so they'll probably come after the fact. 10 - 0 9 - 0 8 - 3 7 - 6 6 - 6 5 - 5 4 - 3 3 - 1 2 - 0 1 - 1 Average - 6.072 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 9 minutes ago, Hug said: Well you're obviously allowed your perspective, of course! I just didn't think I was acclaim baiting with my song because I sent it knowing it wasn't great. I can also see it being cheap, though. It's just what I ended up with. I'm going to hopefully do better next week regardless! If it's any consolation, I was pretty much the black sheep judge for this round. The other three seem to be more on the same page. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 oh hey, thats all the scores! pearch for reviews momentarily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Slay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.png.5c069777b1ab1d704a32825806767213.png)
Recommended Posts