tournament Platinum Hit 12: ST☆RDOM

[Tsareena]

Just now, ultraviolence.xx said:

@Tsareena what's the name of your song x

 mess didn't realize I didn't put a title. It's Siren Song

[touya kinomoto]

Tbh I am interested with what @Tsareena will bring us this season. Girl showed great growth last season. I'm perched sis for this season's Asparagus Water.

[Tsareena]

1 minute ago, KatyCatPH said:

Tbh I am interested with what @Tsareena will bring us this season. Girl showed great growth last season. I'm perched sis for this season's Asparagus Water.

I used up all of my power for PH11 and I still haven't recovered

[Kylie Jenner]

I just don't wanna be a first out  

[touya kinomoto]

3 minutes ago, Tsareena said:

I used up all of my power for PH11 and I still haven't recovered

But where is this sis?

[Kylie Jenner]

1 minute ago, Corsola said:

Gastrodonatella was a first out last season yet slayed the comeback round and was the 2nd frontrunner after the winner of the season until he quit AND he's going to get #1 this round (mark my words) so anything can happen! 

I know but still I don't want to be the one with the worst song this round because that'd make me red a biT

[touya kinomoto]

5 minutes ago, Kylie Jenner said:

I just don't wanna be a first out  

I doubt you'd go first with that rap bop you served. Sam and uvie could be spazzing with your song right now.

[Tsareena]

4 minutes ago, KatyCatPH said:

But where is this sis?

 got lost

[Kylie Jenner]

Just now, Gastrodonatella said:

stop bringing up my ****ing round one elimination

omg at first glance I thought this was DW from arthur. did she glo up?

[touya kinomoto]

Just now, Gastrodonatella said:

stop bringing up my ****ing round one elimination

But it's a great Cinderella story you know. If you weren't eliminated, do you think we'd have the bop that is Persephone?

[touya kinomoto]

1 minute ago, Tsareena said:

 got lost

I don't think so. I think you just need some help. @ceremonials Austin babes, send the good sis some n0odz please. Include me in the chat too okay?

[touya kinomoto]

3 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

PERSEPHONE DESERVED NUMBER ONE

#JusticeForPersephone

2 minutes ago, Corsola said:

Persephone was career defining and wig incarcerating. I will NEVER get over it being only #5 (partially due to some riggamoris bs tbh) when everyone knows it should've been top 2 

Because it was not a song about a cryptid. I almost did not get back to the game because of that too you know.

[touya kinomoto]

Well, there is no use in crying over spilled milk no? We all know Persephone is a winner in our hearts.

[Tsareena]

not in mine 

 

[beatinglikeadrum]

My dreams for that round :

N

  O

     T

 

          T

             O

 

                  B

                    E

 

                       E

                          L

                            I

                             M

                                I

                                 N

                                   A

                                     T

                                       E

                                         D

[Hug]

Hugfork Reviews

(banner next week maybe?)

 

ʙᴇsᴛ ɴᴇᴡ ᴛʀᴀᴄᴋs

 

@ceremonials - Breath of the Wild

Spoiler

Mario Odyssey outsold

 

@Citrus - Friends

Spoiler

You tell a story here, and we never doubted your ability to do that. However, you were really brought down by the repetition, in my opinion. I get that it was to emphasize that the “friendship” isn’t real, and it’s just something you’re saying, but I think just saying it once per line would have sufficed. That’s my only concern with this song, because it’s technically fine and I get the message you’re conveying clearly, it was just dulled by over-repetition.

 

@Gastrodonatella - The Gallery

Spoiler

 

Did I like your entry?

 

 

...kidding! You  have shown, very clearly, you know what you’re doing. I really can’t point to a single line and go “This is weak” or “This could be better”. It seems you crafted it with every bit of love and care that the paintings you referenced in the song were. Frankly, you amaze me with how quickly you’re improving. I know you’ve written poetry for most of your life, but you’ve adapted it into PH in a way that doesn’t just feel like a poem. Special kudos to the chorus. You managed to make AAAA exciting and breath-taking. Are the others shaking? Yes, we think so!

 

 

@ICEY - Body On Me

Spoiler

Spoilers, I don’t listen to recordings people send in, unless there’s ever a challenge that requires the recording of a song (I’m sincerely doubtful that will be the case this season) since I don’t want my opinion to be swayed either way by it, yet I could very easily pick up a melody in my head to this song, so it’s obvious to me that this is a song. It sounds like a stupid thing to say in a lyric-writing competition, but a lot of people DO send poems formatted like songs, to being able to very clearly pick up a melody just with words is very much a compliment on your part. You’re right about it not being very thought-provoking, but not everything has to be. As far as your intentions with this song went, you did pretty well. I would maybe omit the filler lyrics (the ohs, stutters, etc.) in the written form, since I think your song would be fine without it.

 

@Kunst - Butterfly Weather

Spoiler

I’m going to start with what I believe you could do better. “Kiss each other’s faces” is awkward, since you typically kiss lips.”None of us ever did give away / Our hearts and our skins this way” literally just delete one syllable. “None of us ever gave away / Our hearts and our skin this way” it sounds a lot better and fits meter. “Tessellate my heart / With your lips made of spark” literally delete this. Now on to everything else...damn. I can’t point out problems in meter, or rhyme scheme, or really anything on the technical side, and you had some AMAZING lyrical heights that made me remember why I liked you so much the last time I was a judge. The whole chorus? Snapped. The whole bridge (besides the two lines you should delete)? Snapped. What might be my favorite lyric from you, and something I’ll forever be mad I didn’t think of myself for writing, is “Tugging at impossible forevers / Maybe it’s the butterfly weather” ugh. As someone who’s seen CMBYN, I find this so much more enjoyable than your source material, I just want you to know that.  

 

Other reviews

Spoiler

 

@Nait Phoenix: If there’s a point to this song, I’m missing it. The imagery doesn’t feel like it’s connected to any action or event, but just there for imagery’s sake. Some rhymes felt too on the nose (before/floor, flower/power, etc.) causing them to sound shoehorned in.

 

@conatus: Many rhymes here felt there for the sake of it, and this is probably due to your AAAA rhyme scheme. This issue follows you through the song (light/right, scars/bars in verse one, grip/ship, cause/pause in verse two, for example), so having an easier to work with rhyme scheme will not only keep you from forced-sounding rhymes, but it won’t be as monotonous to go through. The slanted rhymes like bars/parts make the song feel more natural, and since this has a conversational tone, that’s VERY important. Low-key laughed at the bars line, though, because that type of language typically is used for well...less serious-sounding songs. It’s not a line that sounds like something somebody would actually say, which makes it stand out (it’s not always a bad thing, but it was in this instance, in my opinion. “Cut” would’ve sounded more fitting here.) The title has a nice ring to it, and making it the centerpiece of the song was a good touch, however, you have “you are” in one line, and follow it up with “you’re” in the next. It’s important to decide which way you’re going with it -- contractions or no contractions. It becomes exceedingly clear words are there for meter when you can’t consistently use contractions or not use them.“ If I had to pick a stand-out part, it would be the third verse because while it has the same flaws as the first two verses, it wraps the idea of the song up nicely.

 

@Obsession: You kept a consistent metaphor through the song, which I appreciate. Some lines you have, however, feel a bit off, like it wasn’t the first word you thought of, but went with it for rhymessake. (“smooth” in the smooth/route rhyme, for instance.) Also, “wanderlust” was a cool word that you actually managed to use properly, but it feels diminished by “trail of dust” afterwards. That’s my biggest issue, besides maybe the lack of details as to why this relationship deteriorated, which makes this feel really cliched and unpersonable. The meter was fine and, as I said, you kept a consistent metaphor, so you do know what you’re doing, at least.

 

@KatyCatPH: Sometimes, you want to avoid using words you just used because it makes it seem like you don’t know many words. However, using the same word you just used sometimes can actually be effective in making an internal rhyme “throbbing in my head / city I’m at again” would sound better as “city I’m in again”, in my opinion, and it still makes perfect sense and sounds like something someone would actually say. (I’d argue it sounds more natural, even.) It’s kind of frustrating to see your pre-chorus because there’s a lot of easy fixes, like removing some syllables and keeping the use of contractions consistent, that would make this sound a lot more natural. It took me all of two minutes to come up with this edit.

 

“Because I’m chasing my dream

It's poison and the cure

Though it’s driving me crazy

There’s nothing I want more”

 

It’s more of just to get the idea that it could sound a lot less forced with a few simple edits. I have a very similar issue with your chorus, and once again, I took it upon myself to edit it.

 

“Your affection’s nauseating

Your attention’s sickening

Yet I need to have some more

It’s the fame I’m looking for

 

Put me on at primetime

Standing in the limelight

Everybody in the world

Give me fame I’m living for”

 

It could be better than that, but the point I’m making is that I know the idea is there, it just needs some help with execution. A couple things you should walk away with this review from are:

 

Keep your contractions consistent (using contractions sounds more informal/conversational/natural)

Try to write lines that sound like things people would actually say (more of an issue in the pre-chorus/chorus)

 

@Kylie Jenner: Rap is a bold choice in the competition. It shows bravery and confidence, which I like. If you’re going to do a rap, now really is the time, so I’m glad you seized the opportunity. My biggest gripe with this, though, is that you have the ideas, but the execution falls off at times, mostly due to meter, which ends up emphasizing odd words. A line I really liked, though, was “...I’m feelin’ the riches from taking off my rags”, I think if there was more of this, it would stand out a lot more. I think the typical nature of the song (a rap about stripping isn’t exactly new) and the lack of hard-hitting lines brings it down. The chorus was really fun, though, and the (God bless) (Hell yes) parts were a wonderful touch that made it endearing.

 

@MTrain: Breaking up a singular thought into two lines makes it sound like you’re pausing mid sentence, and seldom does it work when sung, nevermind when all we have is written text. That’s why “My mind's lost and it takes me back to when / Things were simple and we were children”, despite the lines themselves sounding fine, come off as forced due to how they’re presented. There are some rhymes that come off as forced (A major one being sound/pleasure-bound), it’s not really something that sounds like something somebody would say if they weren’t trying to rhyme. There’s also times where it’s obvious there’s been padding for meter (“Now I have to dream to find your craving touch”, for instance. “Craving” adds nothing to the sentiment.) Thematically, I can’t really place my finger on the theme of this song. It sounds like half of it is nostalgia for childhood, half of it sounds like a breakup song, and it seems to go back and forth between these ideas, rather than transitioning between them smoothly.

 

@OreGuy: So a problem I noticed right away is that there are times where you don’t express full thoughts, but rather, segmented ones. “Midnight before sleep” gives me an idea as to what you’re talking about, but it feels incomplete. There’s a lot of inferring that has to be done to get what you mean, and that shouldn’t be the case. It feels like you were wanting to keep a meter you designed in your head and sacrificed details for it. There are also grammar issues, such as “I wish it’s possible”...I get you’re going for “It was”, but “it’s” is a contraction of it and is, so it makes the tenses feel off. “There’s” has the same issue. What...sort of intrigues me is that while there are times you omit words to fill meter, other times, you’re padding lines with extra words. “So I won’t have to cry cold tears again next time” could very easily be taken down to “So I won’t have to cry again” or even just “So I won’t cry”...when you can cut down that many words and get the full idea, it becomes obvious that the line has tons of filler. Another issue I have is all the forced rhymes. I think the clearest example I can give of this is in the bridge. “I'll drink before the brink / Think at every blink / Sad disaster”...I can’t even really tell what you’re trying to go for here, and all this tells me is you found a rhyming dictionary. I don’t want to say it’s all bad, though, because you do have some ideas here. “Every other night is a battle I own / And every little scar is the prize I won“, for instance, paints a picture of what you’re aiming for with the song and does it well. If you have more instances of lyrics like this, your writing will be elevated a lot.

 

@MattyTacos: Hen, why did you end your line with “indecisively”? We should know better than to end a line mid-thought. :( I felt the lines slowly of the first verse become more forced as you went on. The biggest issue I have overall is that nothing really stands out, and this far into your PH career, I think you should be pushing yourself to make something more memorable. This is just “serviceable” at best, and we all know you’re capable of more.

 

@RihsusChrist(ATG): So “knowed” is apparently a word, but it sounds completely forced for rhyme-sake. “Knew” is what people would typically say in context. With that out of the way, it took me a couple reads to get what you were going for. I feel like your entry was both an ode to the fast-life of Miami, and a tale of a woman who got too caught up in it, which ended tragically. I can appreciate the duality of it, conceptually, yet the execution throws me off. Particularly, it’s the lack of technical polish. The meter you have doesn’t seem to stick for long, so it’s hard to tell how it would sound. 7/12/9/3 and 10/9/9/11 meters in the first verse alone is...jarring, to say the least. I would pick a meter and stick to it, since we can’t really hear what you hear in your head, it’s a lot easier to have a tangible rhythm to pick up on. I think if you get that down, you’ll easily stand out since it’s clear you have interesting concepts and ideas.

 

@Lukey: I think the best thing I can tell you is to try to either find a more interesting concept, or a more interesting way of conveying your topic, because this is something we’ve seen many times before, and it doesn’t do anything special. Nothing is particularly bad, it’s just bland.

 

@Body Talk⠀: I found that there was a lack of meter here. I couldn’t pick up on a rhythm at all. It really didn’t even feel like a poem, just...a story that had a few words that happened to rhyme. Speaking of the rhymes, it got really forced sometimes. The falter/altar/saunter rhyme, although not bad in theory, was executed poorly and made the lines sound forced. It’s evident to me that the ideas are there, though, like the humming along to the melody of rain falling was a nice, personal touch that made the song feel more alive, less generic, so if you work on fixing the meter of your song and keep the ideas I know you have, you could go a long way.

 

@beatinglikeadrum: This will sound petty, but please spell out your words fully. The shortening of words (like bcuz) gives off the impression that you don’t care, even if you do.  The first verse is actually really good! The line about the skin and sand having its own romance is pretty, and feeling the storm despite the clear skies...it seemed you clearly knew what you were going for...then we get to the pre-chorus, what happened? It seems like after the first verse, you had 5 minutes to finish the rest of your song because the stark contrast in quality is jarring. The ! after honey made me laugh, and I don’t think that’s what you were going for. The chorus was nearly unreadable, and I don’t know if that was how you sent it, or if @swiftie13 doesn’t know how to copy and paste, but either way, it took me a while. To make a long story short, let’s see more quality content like your first verse.

 

@UFO: I like the contrasting imagery in the first verse, made an otherwise average verse more interesting. “Everybody be faking” sounds out of place here, though, since the rest of the verse had good grammar. Speaking of grammar, you mixed your tenses up in the second verse. “I never realized who they truly were / ‘til they got what they wanted, ruined my heart” or “I never realize who they truly are / ‘til they get what they want and ruin my heart” would sound better. The issue I have with this is mostly how typical it sounds. It drags on for quite a while, in typical UFO fashion, yet it doesn’t really say anything new or in a new way.

 

@Achilles.: Since you asked for your song NOT to be posted, I’ll refrain from directly stating lyrics in your review. One thing I can appreciate about your entry is the atypical theme of the song. People write about romance and heartbreak or, hell, death, a lot, but writing a feminism bop? Rarely seen! As usual for you, you know your way around meter VERY well, and you have a way of making your lyrics feel musical, but it’s that musicality that I can also point to being some weaker parts. The repetition in (parenthesis) doesn’t add much to the chorus and just pads it out, since the chorus is fairly long as is. That’s really my only gripe, besides there maybe not being too many stand-out lines.

 

@Speezy: piqued* Anyway, I don’t have an issue with short songs (hell, I welcome it @ everybody) but the content you did deliver here felt underbaked. Some rhymes felt forced “like/ice” “wonder/wonders” “pleasure/treasure” and I know sexy bops are your thing, but I feel like having a cute little theme to go with it would’ve done a lot to elevate this outside of “meh” territory.

 

@Tsareena: Lines like “Oh what in the hell” and “God I hate this feeling so much” gave your entry a conversational tone, which seemed a bit out of place to me in an otherwise imagery-laden entry. Being conversational, it itself, isn’t a bad thing, but the tone that you want to go for should be kept through the entry, as it goes between imagery and conversational. One idea you had the I really liked was you mentioning “Atlantis”, like you could just imagine all the past/failed lovers going to this lost city and you just wanting one to make it to you. I really like that idea and I think you should’ve done more with it! Speaking of the Atlantis part, though, some line do feel forced for rhymesake, like the line that proceeds the Atlantis line, “survive this” just feels tacked on. It took me a few reads to even realize your chorus didn’t rhyme, but I caught on to the forced one instantly, so I think if you have to choose between forced-sounding rhymes or none, trying none may be a good way to go. The highlights of your entry, to me, were the chorus and the first verse. “I hate the silence, the grey emotions / That swim all around me in my ocean” actually a bop!

 

@Avocado: “I shit the arrow and it’s ready to go” ujytbgrvfcdxs You need to proofread before sending, girl. Anyway, the weakest part is undoubtedly the chorus. A minimalist chorus isn’t bad per se, but this chorus particularly doesn’t feel like it belongs to the same song as the rest of them, since it’s talking about webs and whatnot… I feel an attempt was made to keep the imagery to a theme, with all the nature imagery, but I liked the hedge maze idea particularly, so it seemed odd to abandon it. I also felt the rhymes start to get more...forced as the song went on. “Intention”/”direction” is a good example of it, those words didn’t really add much to the sentiment so it feels out of place. I think the last two lines of the entry are great, though, and it’s a perfect summation of the song.

 

@Lane Boy: The concept you chose for your entry is definitely unique. I just wish we could get...a bit more? Like the idea of comparing the desire to fit in and be normal to being hungry is really interesting, but we don’t get much of it, so I find it hard to judge. One thing I will say is “fluttering”/”cluttering” does not sound any less forced just because you put a line between it. It was fairly well written besides that, just not much to it.

 

@PoKiTaurus: I...can’t believe you legitimately wrote a SPYRO AD for a song. I’ve...genuinely never seen something so entertainingly odd for a first round song. I actually found myself getting into it before I realized it was a Spyro ad. Like I am genuinely interested in seeing how you handle other topics. I’m not really sure how to critique this piece, since it’s obviously not completely serious, but you had fairly good meter and not many forced rhymes. Congratulations, you did well considering the circumstances.

 

@Alesus: I got like...images of what you were going for, but not really a story. I found it hard to follow, but I can only piece together that a mother and child were trying to run away from some place that caught on fire and they had to go through murky water, but neither of them survived? Am I interpreting that right? It’s really hard for me to tell. That’s...my biggest criticism, then. I just don’t know what’s going on at all, which makes it hard for me to comment on anything else.

 

@Corsola: Did I read your entry at all?

 

 

 

[Lukey]

For a song I wrote in 15 minutes, bland isn't so bad! Was expecting a lot worse, thanks!  

[Hug]

The way everyone turned quiet when I posted my reviews  

 

EDIT: @Lukey Oh good there wasn't much effort, I do think you'd do a lot better with a bit more effort. Like I said, it wasn't bad at all.  

[swiftie13]

[Unknown User]

Screaming at my review being totally accurate. I tried to be a critics darling tho

[Kylie Jenner]

stop criticising me for writing about me a hoe

the song is autobiographical im taking this as a personal attack

[Lukey]

1 minute ago, Hug said:

The way everyone turned quiet when I posted my reviews  

 

EDIT: @Lukey Oh good there wasn't much effort, I do think you'd do a lot better with a bit more effort. Like I said, it wasn't bad at all.  

I mean, I did try a lot for those 15 minutes and that was the third song I wrote  But, yeah... I'm not a writer and I love bland, generic songs so you write what you listen to I suppose!

 

Thank you though!

 

[touya kinomoto]

Hugboard with the reviews!

 

Scalp me with my wordiness, legend!

[Tsareena]

7 minutes ago, Hug said:

@Tsareena: Lines like “Oh what in the hell” and “God I hate this feeling so much” gave your entry a conversational tone, which seemed a bit out of place to me in an otherwise imagery-laden entry. Being conversational, it itself, isn’t a bad thing, but the tone that you want to go for should be kept through the entry, as it goes between imagery and conversational. One idea you had the I really liked was you mentioning “Atlantis”, like you could just imagine all the past/failed lovers going to this lost city and you just wanting one to make it to you. I really like that idea and I think you should’ve done more with it! Speaking of the Atlantis part, though, some line do feel forced for rhymesake, like the line that proceeds the Atlantis line, “survive this” just feels tacked on. It took me a few reads to even realize your chorus didn’t rhyme, but I caught on to the forced one instantly, so I think if you have to choose between forced-sounding rhymes or none, trying none may be a good way to go. The highlights of your entry, to me, were the chorus and the first verse. “I hate the silence, the grey emotions / That swim all around me in my ocean” actually a bop!

Did I read this?

 

---

Breaking away from the imagery was mostly to show frustration.  Forced rhymes always get me. Thought the Atlantis/ This rhyme was natural in my head. thanks for the ruhview

 

[Kylie Jenner]

real talk though thank you miss Hug  this is the first song I've ever written so I'm pretty pleased that I managed to have at least some good elements in there for a first try. I feel like now that I know what works and what doesn't, I can take that and work on it. I'm still going into a depressive state though because apparently my meter was bad