discussion Am I the Bad Guy.mp3 in the fight I'm currently having with my parents?

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

My mind is pretty scrambled right now so I apologize if this post gets confusing or if there's any typos and such:

 

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over two months now. A few weeks ago, he flew me out to see him for a few days and when my parents saw how happy I was when I came back, they realized how good he is for me and how he's made my emotions do a complete 180 for the better since being with him. Despite my parents knowing how much better I've been mentally since I entered a relationship with him, both of them still don't take our relationship seriously and are openly pessimistic about it being long distance saying that I should be prepared for the worst, unlike his parents who adore me and make me feel so loved and accepted compared to my own. 

 

His birthday is on Monday and for the past few days we've discussed how I wish I could fly out to see him and spend a few days with him as a way to celebrate, but finances are tough on my end given that I haven't worked full-time in a long while due to health issues but am in the process of getting a new job (this will come back in the story later). Last night, he sent me a text saying that his mom surprised him with an offer to fly me out tomorrow for a few days and pay for everything, telling me that I don't have to worry about spending a dime while I'm there. I was really shocked and touched by this because, without getting too much into his family's business, they're not in the best place money wise and I felt really grateful to receive such an offer. I told him to tell her to get the ticket without running it by my parents and getting their approval, not expecting them to be mad given that our trip would be from Friday-Wednesday and all the training I have to do pertaining to my upcoming job doesn't start until next Friday + it's not like I'd ask them for any money for the trip like I did last time given that all expenses will be paid for unlike last time where my dad had to help me by spotting me like like $75 near the end of the trip bc I couldn't pay for dinner. 

 

Both my sister and my great aunt (who are very close with both of my parents) reassured me via phone this morning that I had absolutely nothing to worry about in regards to telling them because they'd be happy that I'm able to see him again and have something fun and exciting to do before I start my new job, but that couldn't have been further from the truth. When I told my dad that he got me a ticket to see him for a few days, he got livid and abrasive, telling me that not asking him or my mom for permission was a "stupid ******* thing to do" and he got even more angry and started to really yell at me and insulting me. He then told me that he spoke to my mother about my impromptu trip and she reacted 10x worse than him, screaming ballistic over the phone and acting irrational and crazy. When he asked me to ask my boyfriend if his mother was able to get flight miles for the ticket (which was $800) considering she wasn't able to get a full refund, my boyfriend told me no given that she bought it as a guest.

 

When I told my dad that, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, questioning whether he should not let me go because I didn't ask him or my mom if they'd be alright with it or if he should let me go given that he knows his mom doesn't make a lot and would feel bad about causing her to throw $800 down the drain while simultaneously ruining my boyfriend's birthday. He decided to go with the latter choice after I convinced him through tears by telling him that I can accept both him and my mom taking away their trust in me for not telling them about this trip, but that I couldn't accept either of them having a hand in causing both my boyfriend and his mom losing their trust in me and (god forbid) causing a huge rift between me and him. When my dad told my mom that he'd rather me go so his mom doesn't waste $800, my mom apparently laughed over the phone and said "I DON'T GIVE A **** ABOUT THAT WOMAN'S MONEY HE IS NOT GOING.", which felt pretty classist from her end given that prior to my mom making a lot of money, she struggled to provide for years and I was under the assumption she'd hold some sympathy for my boyfriend's mother potentially wasting $800, but instead she acted flippant and disregarded that aspect. Like yeah I guess you can be mad that I let him book a flight without asking but why are you kii'ng and acting so nonchalant about a struggling mother of two potentially putting $800 down the drain  

 

My dad eventually calmed down and apologized for how he acted as he was assisting me with packing my suitcase for tomorrow, but according to him, my mom has gotten even more ballistic since she's come home from work to the point where I've been sitting on the swing of this community park for nearly two hours and will be spending another two hours here so I don't have to see her when I get home and have her scream at me dd  But what I want to know is that did I do anything wrong by not running this trip by them? They said that I made a bad choice to agree to see him while I don't have much money, but if he's willing to pay for EVERYTHING I don't see an issue? If it's about me not currently having a job, that's irrelevant to the discussion given that I didn't have one when I saw him a few weeks ago yet they didn't care and I intentionally scheduled my work training for next Friday so I wouldn't miss it while I was with him. It's just so weird like I literally just turned 24, I'm not a child and if my boyfriend wants me to visit him for his birthday and is going to pay for everything, I don't see the problem with me going there for a few days?
 

I'm sorry if this was long or confusing, thanks to anyone who read this in full and to anyone who is kind enough to offer me some advice as I try to calm down and decompress from witnessing both of my parents act wild and have a meltdown over something as small and non-trivial as this. 

Edited September 6 by YourFavoriteWeapon

[Bubble Tea]

Genuinely i think they're just jealous and they're struggling with the fact their child is becoming an adult. They probably don't also like the financial power imbalance.

 

Pay them no mind and enjoy your life, you're not doing anything wrong. They'll calm down. 

[montacelo]

Common courtesy would have been telling your parents if you were leaving (especially if I'm assuming you live with them????). On the other hand you're 24, you're an adult, they should be letting you make your own decisisons and choices. Your mom is overreacting. 

[gatito]

honestly? screw your mom 

[LoveInStereo]

I'm not saying the delivery is right but if you live under their roof & you're implying that you're financially dependent on them (could be mistaken), then they have the freedom to feel however they want? Just as you're free to go on the trip even if they're not happy with you, they're free to not be happy about it

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

1 hour ago, montacelo said:

Common courtesy would have been telling your parents if you were leaving (especially if I'm assuming you live with them????). On the other hand you're 24, you're an adult, they should be letting you make your own decisisons and choices. Your mom is overreacting. 

Well I mean the flight is tomorrow and I told them that a day before I go on the plane, not a few hours before. It's not like he booked it and then right after I'm taking an Uber to the airport like "seeya both!"  

 

1 hour ago, Tropical said:

Genuinely i think they're just jealous and they're struggling with the fact their child is becoming an adult. They probably don't also like the financial power imbalance.

 

Pay them no mind and enjoy your life, you're not doing anything wrong. They'll calm down. 

 

1 hour ago, gatito said:

honestly? screw your mom 

I'm glad to know that I'm not crazy or alone in my feelings that the way my mom acted was really hostile and unwarranted. She really pushed me to the brink of tears and I can't believe she socffed at the idea of my boyfriend's mom potentially throwing $800 down the drain on the off chance that they would prevent me from going when she knows damn well what it's like to struggle financially.

Edited September 6 by YourFavoriteWeapon

[K$Ellie]

really weird reaction from them especially considering you're 24 like wtf 

[KFC]

No offence but based on what you've said your mother seems very emotionally volatile  her reaction is extremely unreasonable (unless there's more to the story you're not telling us). It would have been a courtesy to run the trip by them prior but you're an adult, you can go where you want, and it's not like you were even asking your parents for money...

 

Based on what I've read it seems like you need to create some emotional AND physical distance between you and your parents, particularly your mother. I would advise you to take steps towards moving out as soon as it's possible and start exploring what life is like without them. 

 

The short answer is no you're not the bad guy in this situation.

[DevilsRollTheDice]

I would say they're in the wrong. However, you do live with them and only you have the full context of that relationship and what expectations that entails.
 

As you're not a minor, I'd generally say you're entitled to do as you like. However, If there is a precedent that you ask them for permission due to them allowing you live with them for free, that might change things slightly. It sounds like you were anticipating a negative reaction as you ran it by others first. I wouldn't say that puts you in the wrong, but you should've cleared all this before agreeing to the ticket. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

17 minutes ago, KFC said:

No offence but based on what you've said your mother seems very emotionally volatile  her reaction is extremely unreasonable (unless there's more to the story you're not telling us). It would have been a courtesy to run the trip by them prior but you're an adult, you can go where you want, and it's not like you were even asking your parents for money...

 

Based on what I've read it seems like you need to create some emotional AND physical distance between you and your parents, particularly your mother. I would advise you to take steps towards moving out as soon as it's possible and start exploring what life is like without them. 

 

The short answer is no you're not the bad guy in this situation.

Without getting too much into it she is emotionally volatile, some of my fondest childhood memories are her screaming at my sister and I at the top of her lungs and inviting the neighborhood kids over to destroy my belongings when I acted up. Her behavior is one of the reasons why my sister rushed to move out at 23. Like yeah I love my mom's sweet side and we get along maybe 70% of the time on a good month, but this little impromptu trip of mine set her off the edge to where she's been screaming at my dad for hours and according to him is now having a hissy fit in her bedroom.  I would love to take your advice and move out to live by myself, but it would be hard for me to apply for an apartment given that I have no credit and I doubt I'd be able to make enough to get by given that rent is CRAZY expensive here. 

Edited September 5 by YourFavoriteWeapon

[Cheers]

You're 24 and are allowed to make your own decisions whether they like it or not. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

7 minutes ago, Cheers said:

You're 24 and are allowed to make your own decisions whether they like it or not. 

Thank you sis  

[May]

kinda sounds like my mother lmao . we only get along when we're apart & whenever i would announce a life milestone she would always make out like it was the worst decision ive ever made and that i would fail. she discouraged me from going to uni, from getting a job, from switching jobs, and finally from moving out. 
 

theres 2 sides of it. one side could be jealousy, her feeling that you've gotten something she never had. another side is that she's lashing out bc she's realising that the wheels are in motion for u to leave the nest.

 

besides that point though, i would be wary about getting into a relationship where your other half (moreso, his family) is paying the entire way for you - ive been in relationships like that when i was younger and trust me it starts to get to you and make u feel really inadequate and awkward. the best thing to do is get yourself on ur feet first.

 

i'll be honest when i was reading this whole post i assumed u were like 16/17 and then i got to the part of u being 24 and i was like girl wtf

[tost1]

No offense but your post is longer than your relationship  so I see why your parents are reluctant about it

[Loca]

I'm not reading all that but yes, parents are always in the wrong. And even if you are in the wrong, that's how they raised you

[Juánny]

First, your parents totally overreacted. You did nothing wrong, and this trip would be good for you and your boyfriend. Whatever reasons for your parent’s unreasonable response would be a great subject for their own serious therapy.
 

The people in here trying to make it out like it’s "common courtesy" or "he lives under their roof" have really misplaced the narrative here. His boyfriend’s mom booked a ticket for him to fly out and OP let his parents know. Literally nothing wrong with this scenario as described.
 

Parents don’t "own" their adult children and he doesn’t actually need to get their permission to do something at 24. There would be a difference if he was inconveniencing them financially or in some actual way but he’s literally just going out to visit his loved one for a few days at no expense to them, which should be something a reasonable parent would support, but this situation is giving typical parental meltdown because the reins/power dynamic are loosening over their child.
 

Just because you live with your parents doesn’t give them the right to treat you like property. Especially because you didn’t get asked to be put into this world, they "forcibly" entered you into life, you have your own right to pursue the life and connections that will make you happy and fulfilled and it’s their job to support and guide you not stop you from doing shit "just because". This whole schtick with parents thinking they can go ballistic on their kids because they don’t do everything they say even without a proper explanation just irks me. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

6 minutes ago, May said:

kinda sounds like my mother lmao . we only get along when we're apart & whenever i would announce a life milestone she would always make out like it was the worst decision ive ever made and that i would fail. she discouraged me from going to uni, from getting a job, from switching jobs, and finally from moving out. 
 

theres 2 sides of it. one side could be jealousy, her feeling that you've gotten something she never had. another side is that she's lashing out bc she's realising that the wheels are in motion for u to leave the nest.

 

besides that point though, i would be wary about getting into a relationship where your other half (moreso, his family) is paying the entire way for you - ive been in relationships like that when i was younger and trust me it starts to get to you and make u feel really inadequate and awkward. the best thing to do is get yourself on ur feet first.

 

i'll be honest when i was reading this whole post i assumed u were like 16/17 and then i got to the part of u being 24 and i was like girl wtf

You and I have a lot in common dd. Whenever something good happens in my life my mom always tries to find a way to be pessimistic about it and it's something my sister and even her fiancée have observed. I truly have the suspicion that she thinks me obtaining a successful life is out of reach due to my neurodivergency and mental illness and that she's the only one who can set me on a good path which means I gotta lick her ass 24/7. Like she always encourages me to be independent but then says something that makes me feel like she's keeping me on a leash in the same breath.

 

In regards to what you said about being wary about entering a relationship where his family is offering to pay the whole entire way for me, believe me I'm in agreement with you. I've been in similar relationships and always hate feeling inadequate and harboring an immense sense of guilt, but I won't let that repeat in this relationship. The only reason why I even said yes to this all expenses trip is because it's his birthday and I know he'd be upset not being able to celebrate it with me. I wouldn't have said yes if he offered an all expenses paid trip at a random time that wasn't his birthday  

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

4 minutes ago, tost1 said:

No offense but your post is longer than your relationship  so I see why your parents are reluctant about it

The way I can't even be mad at this bc I laughed a little dd 

[May]

3 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

You and I have a lot in common dd. Whenever something good happens in my life my mom always tries to find a way to be pessimistic about it and it's something my sister and even her fiancée have observed. I truly have the suspicion that she thinks me obtaining a successful life is out of reach due to my neurodivergency and mental illness and that she's the only one who can set me on a good path which means I gotta lick her ass 24/7. Like she always encourages me to be independent but then says something that makes me feel like she's keeping me on a leash in the same breath.

 

In regards to what you said about being wary about entering a relationship where his family is offering to pay the whole entire way for me, believe me I'm in agreement with you. I've been in similar relationships and always hate feeling inadequate and harboring an immense sense of guilt, but I won't let that repeat in this relationship. The only reason why I even said yes to this all expenses trip is because it's his birthday and I know he'd be upset not being able to celebrate it with me. I wouldn't have said yes if he offered an all expenses paid trip at a random time that wasn't his birthday  

yeah im neurodivergent too and i believe thats the reason my mother was the way she was with me. u being neurodivergent explains her behaviour a little bit bc she likely wants you to be 100% reliant on her. idk why some mothers get this way w their ND kids.. it does SO much damage mentally in the long term so all i gotta say is good luck sis  i still can't bring myself to go out into the world and do completely normal things bc of a fear of failure that she instilled in me  

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

Just now, May said:

yeah im neurodivergent too and i believe thats the reason my mother was the way she was with me. u being neurodivergent explains her behaviour a little bit bc she likely wants you to be 100% reliant on her. idk why some mothers get this way w their ND kids.. it does SO much damage mentally in the long term so all i gotta say is good luck sis  i still can't bring myself to go out into the world and do completely normal things bc of a fear of failure that she instilled in me  

My neurodivergency is just depression/OCD/ADHD/C-PTSD (though some people think I might have a dash of 🧩), yet she gives my sister a lot more leniency despite her being autistic  Maybe it's a boy mom thing dd

[WildOne]

TWENTY FOUR?? Jesus Christ how do they EVER expect you to make an adult decision if you can't be trusted to book a short trip FOR FREE AND WHEN YOU WERE AVAILABLE ANYWAYS??? Them getting angry at you in the first place is f u c k e d it's time they treat you like an adult. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

7 minutes ago, WildOne said:

TWENTY FOUR?? Jesus Christ how do they EVER expect you to make an adult decision if you can't be trusted to book a short trip FOR FREE AND WHEN YOU WERE AVAILABLE ANYWAYS??? Them getting angry at you in the first place is f u c k e d it's time they treat you like an adult. 

Thank you sis and I agree. I feel suffocated by them. 

[Dante Silva]

You are 24 years old. My mom has a similar temper so I can relate but unless yours is threatening to throw you out on the street if you go - then go on this occasion and next time be careful to do things your parents way (at least until you have your own rental apartment via your forthcoming salary).

 

At this point - by not going you are going to do permanent damage to your relationship with your boyfriend and his family (no doubt about it). It would wrong foot him (and his family) and the honeymoon period with your boyfriend would be prematurely and irreparably over which would strain the relationship and permanently change the dynamic and atmosphere between you (and his family) for the worse.

 

In the aftermath of your visit to your boyfriend and his family (once you return home), you should make it a priority and an endeavour to placate your parents as much as possible until things at your family home smooth over.
 

The years of familial love you have had with your family and bonds you have with your parents will not be irreparably damaged like they will be with your boyfriend and his family (who haven't known you anywhere near as long). 
 

Edited September 6 by Dante Silva

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

25 minutes ago, Dante Silva said:

You are 24 years old. My mom has a similar temper so I can relate but unless yours is threatening to throw you out on the street if you go - then go on this occasion and next time be careful to do things your parents way (at least until you have your own rental apartment via your forthcoming salary).

 

At this point - by not going you are going to do permanent damage to your relationship with your boyfriend and his family (no doubt about it). It would wrong foot him (and his family) and the honeymoon period with your boyfriend would be prematurely and irreparably over which would strain the relationship and permanently change the dynamic and atmosphere between you (and his family) for the worse.

 

In the aftermath of your visit to your boyfriend and his family (once you return home), you should make it a priority and an endeavour to placate your parents as much as possible until things at your family home smooth over.
 

The years of familial love you have had with your family and bonds you have with your parents will not be irreparably damaged like they will be with your boyfriend and his family (who haven't known you anywhere near as long). 
 

Thank you for the helpful advice.  I really do appreciate it.

[bad guy]

2 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

But what I want to know is that did I do anything wrong by not running this trip by them?

At first I was gonna ask if you were underage but…

 

2 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

It's just so weird like I literally just turned 24

 

Please. Long distance doesn't have the best track record but this is psychotic behavior from the both of them. I don't know you're dynamic but from reading this it sounds like you are dependent on them for everything and they in turn feel like they have control over you (I mean the fact that you were in tears begging over this is…concerning to say the least). I understand the "my house, my rules" thing when it comes to chores but when parents try and hinder their kids' social lives or progress is when it gets into narcissistic/control territory in which case you will find yourself at 34 dealing with this same problem.

 

Find a roommate and move out, or move in with your boyfriend if you guys are still together after a few months. That's the only way this will stop.