discussion Anyone here have homophobic parents and how do you deal with them?

[Bacardo Royale]

My mom was celebrating the other day with the news Ghana passed the anti LGBTQ bill, like she was so excited to tell me and we don’t even live in Ghana she’s becoming more homophobic every year  it’s disturbing to witness, she agrees with the way gays are treated in the middle east, I don't even feel comfortable typing what she said

 

[Karla Cabello]

kill them or use their toothbrush on the wc

[torturedpoet]

You need to realise that while they’re your parents that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate this kind of **** or keep any kind of relationship with them. While my parents are not homophobic, one of my sisters is and she has been cut out of my life. She still dwells on it and acts all hurt and I’m living my best life without her negativity and bigotry. 

[Kayseri Mantisi]

7 minutes ago, torturedpoet said:

You need to realise that while they’re your parents that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate this kind of **** or keep any kind of relationship with them. While my parents are not homophobic, one of my sisters is and she has been cut out of my life. She still dwells on it and acts all hurt and I’m living my best life without her negativity and bigotry. 

[Gorjesspazze9]

My dad is. But he is also a racist boomer, and out of touch with reality. I usually just ignore him when I go home for the holidays

Edited March 12 by Gorjesspazze9

[fememeist]

Make them listen to Saturn Returns Interlude

[NoOneDiesFromLove]

Make them listen to You Need to Calm Down (I’m closeted )

 

 

[Sheep]

One was gay and is dead. The other is intensely homophobic and I pay them no mind, they're the one with the problem and we have a fine relationship outside that. 

Edited March 12 by Sheep

[Zeferino]

If you can’t help them change their minds, cut them off, might hurt bc they’re your parents, but I mean, they're supposed to support you unconditionally 

 

wishing you the best 

Edited March 12 by Zeferino

[brraap]

Make them listen to Saturn to break their karmic patterns  

 

[brraap]

In all honesty you can’t change your parents. That’s something I’ve learned the hard way. But you can live your own happy life and keep contact minimal. Whether she comes round or not that’s on her own timing and growth 

[Bacardo Royale]

I added a poll

 

 

Spoiler

@Karla Cabello @torturedpoet @suburbannature @Kayseri Mantisi @Gorjesspazze9 @fememeist @NoOneDiesFromLove @Sheep @Zeferino  @brraap

 

[AvadaKedavra]

I have them.   Sadly, mine are one of those who are EXTREMELY homophobic  – the ones who would throw you out of the house and say that God is above all things or their religious precepts and just forget about you. One time in the past, my little brother came home at 3 am from his first party, and my father threw his things-clothes out onto the street.  My mom had to cry for him to let him back in.  My parents are really nice and sweet with us as long as we follow their christian life rules. 


Personally, I realized that I have two options in life:

1. Tell my parents that I'm GAY, and then I know I would lose them forever. I would live my life with freedom to the fullest, but... honestly, I don't want to lose them forever. I've also been trying for a long time to make gay friends in my city-country and to have support, and it's been very difficult. I've tried through Twitter, Grindr, Groups, Instagram, and chats, and I don't know if it's because I dont have a beard or i have muscles-im not fit or im ugly or dont have enough money-status??? but I've failed in makin meaningful gay connections and im a bit done. I been havin more luck with my ATRL or international friends.  If I lose my parents, I'll be completely alone here. So I don't know if it's worth it.............Losing everything and winning nothing???  whats the point?
    

2. Lead a double secret life. (WHAT I'M DOING at the moment) Be happy with my parents and live my normal straight life as if nothing were wrong, but when I'm away from them, I have experiences with guys or try to get closer to the community. This is the path I've taken. The truth is, for me, it's risky because you live with the constant fear of being found out. Another downside of hiding everything is that I can only have hookups, and having a real and beautiful relationship is very complicated.
   
   
   Sometimes, I would love to have something beautiful-sacred with a guy, but me  living in the closet would ruin his life. I wouldn't allow him to live up to his full potential. He would have to hide, deal with my personal demons.  I feel like it would be a relationship that doesn't go anywhere. So why clip someone's wings? It's better for that person to find someone who is out and live his best life. I've accepted that my path in life is one of casual things, not romantic. It's just the hand I've been dealt.
   
   
   These are somewhat dark and painful paths, but it's my reality. I try to focus on my personal projects-goals and to forget about this. 
   
   Hope youre roads-crossroads in life are better and things get better for you.  
   Dont give up sweetheart. I know is hard to live with fear. Sending hug 
   Hope youre able to come out eventually in a healthy way
    

Of course, there are nights when melancholy and loneliness just hit. I feel bad because I can't live freely, and you also question if your parents love you completely or is all fake. But it's a path I'll live with. I hope one day, with good money, I can help those gay boys who have been abandoned by their families.   One thing i know is......Music is my friend and i will never be alone if i have my pop music 
 

 

Edited March 12 by AvadaKedavra

[Bacardo Royale]

27 minutes ago, AvadaKedavra said:

I have them.   Sadly, mine are one of those who are EXTREMELY homophobic  – the ones who would throw you out of the house and say that God is above all things or their religious precepts. One time in the past, my little brother came home at 3 am from his first party, and my father threw his things-clothes out onto the street.

 

Wow my dad also threw my sister's whole wardrobe through the 1st floor window for a similar reason your parents sound crazy like mine 

 

Thanks for your kinds words, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling to make gay connections that part is easy where I live but I'm still having to live a double life like you because it would cause too much of a commotion if I came out to my family, my mother says if I don't a bring a girl home by the time I'm 30 she's arranging a marriage for me  so the next few years are gonna be interesting 

 

[JoeAg]

I was lucky enough to have relatively progressive parents (progressive for boomers that is lol) and my dad was always super chill and proud of all three of his sons (me being the youngest) for being openly queer. my mom on the other hand had difficulty accepting that 3 of her 5 children were queer...

Spoiler

we came out in reverse chronological order, so when I came out as a 13 year old, my mom said "I figured one of you would be that way." which was kind of lame but not the worst response ever. for my two older brothers, my mom's responses were FAR more intense and kinda scary. see, my mom is progressive in a "not in my family" sort of way, but that mostly stems from intergenerational trauma and how she grew up in a very traditional orthodox jewish household. she's been smart her whole life and has advocated for diversity and equal rights, but having to live with queer sons proved to be a bit of a struggle for her. she was never mean to us because of our sexualities, though she was somewhat emotionally abusive when we were all young. my parents have always voted democrat and all that. they're liberals. obviously they're not politically aware in the way that people of our generations are lmao. but compared to a lot of other parents, my parents are rather accepting. she was just shook and it took her a long time to get over being shook. her whole little thing was "oh great i'm gonna have no grandchildren!" as if that's all that life is about. my oldest sister eventually had two kids and my other sister has a very young son. my mom was somewhat relieved after all those births, but I think it all just stems from how her parents were. stuck in their ways. she supports gay rights, she just for some reason wasn't expecting any of her 5 children to be a member of the LGBTQ community, which is kind of insane when you think about it. I think she stood in that comfort that she believed all of us would be straight or whatever the f*ck for a very long time to the point where it became a part of her reality until I came out to her that one day in 7th grade. other than that, my mom supports socialist causes every so often, votes blue, surrounds herself only with other liberals, is incredibly pro-choice, and has always been a feminist. unfortunately, she has a history of holding certain zionist views, which f*cking blows, but she's actively trying to unlearn her ways and hear all of her children out when we tell her what's actually happening. she's an extremely complex person I'd say. opinionated and cerebral and judgmental, yet quiet and willing to listen and still learn at 68 years old. it's wild. she's wild. she had a major hand in approving some of the COVID vaccines a few years back. my dad is wild too but my dad is also a lifelong optimist. they're kind of opposites in a lot of ways lol. my mom and me are respective proof that liberals and leftists are FAR different from each other (imo obviously, but some people may not understand the distinction)

I digress! I'm so sorry to hear that your mother is so bigoted and stuck in her ways. it's never fun to think about how people who we're related to aren't always possessing of a good head on their respective shoulders the way we are. know that there's nothing wrong with you, and that you aren't required to keep her in your life just because you're related by blood. chosen family is just as or possibly even MORE important than nuclear family. you deserve happiness and to not have anyone spewing hate at you or near you. like Kesha said, it's all about taking the high road, and just know that you're far better of a person than your mother is

 

hell, I know I'm a better person than my mother is...

[Flower]

I have both. I just stay silence. There's no winning in any outcome if i engage.

[AvadaKedavra]

25 minutes ago, Bacardo Royale said:

Wow my dad also threw my sister's whole wardrobe through the 1st floor window for a similar reason your parents sound crazy like mine 

 

Thanks for your kinds words, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling to make gay connections that part is easy where I live but I'm still having to live a double life like you because it would cause too much of a commotion if I came out to my family, my mother says if I don't a bring a girl home by the time I'm 30 she's arranging a marriage for me  so the next few years are gonna be interesting 

 

 

Im so sorry dahling. why the nicest people (people like you) always go through so much. So many tribulations.
Life is really unfair sometimes. Just no. 

  

its our time to escape from those chains and be free.
Lets escape together sis. From pain and oppression

   

 

 

Edited March 12 by AvadaKedavra

[Alldeezy]

pretty sure my mum is .. I remember her saying you better not ever go for girls or you can move out back in the days.

and because I listen to pop girls and go see girls live she jokes and goes are you a lesso now or something

 

 think i've finally taught her better these days though ... idk why she was so bitter when I was younger .. but she had a gay bestie when she younger so she always confused me

I proudly admit my girl crushes and she accepts it.  

 

 

[SweetTalker]

I feel like it’s very different for everybody. When I was 15 I was literally scared of them because of how religious they are, and their stance on LGBT people back then. I stayed in the closed until some dumbass wannabe youtuber “friend” outed me somewhat unintentionally  he was kind of known in my Mexican hometown (I was living in Houston by that point tho), so word got around and the video made it to my parents. It was super awkward but they slowly changed their perception on gay people. When I started dating my boyfriend it became a whole different thing. My mom literally got depressed but personally, I kept doing me and being myself. Whether they liked it or not. That was 4 years ago. They’ve changed a lot since then and they even became accepting of my boyfriend. So I say you do you and live your life how you truly want to live it. Again, everybody’s situation is different. When my boyfriend came out to his parents (a year ago) they were in denial and got him to talk to a priest  they’re Angolan so he says they’re super closed minded. And to this day they’re still in denial and the fact that he cares so much how his parents think of him put a strain in our relationship. So idk. Again, you do you

[If I'm Dancing]

yes, and transphobic

[ariananext]

Mine are the type that say they're not homophobic but say things with a bit of a derogatory undertone. I'm not gay though and I don't think they've really had a relationship with any gay person in their life, but overall they're quite close minded, I always argue with them about these topics and it hurts me quite a lot. 

[Into The Void]

When I first came out my mom said it was a phase but she's come around and we have a healthy relationship 

[terrorblade]

they're religious but they never speak on any lgbt stuff so

i live in a glass closet anyway

[glitch]

My parents aren't homophobic thankfully but my mum is kinda transphobic. I guess that's to be expected on TERF island

 

[Archetype]

My parents are amazing and sort of became adopted parents for our relative who has a homophobic father.  His mother doesn’t want him to come out to his dad because she doesn’t want him to cut their son out of his will, so I get her reasoning for it but their son doesn’t even need his dad’s money (he is successful and independent).  It’s just messed up and unfair to him, but he always has us and we’ll always be there to support him.

 

I also have a friend from high school who has extremely homophobic religious parents and still hasn’t come out to them.  He is a former football player and very traditionally masculine, so they don’t suspect anything and he pretends he’s just a bachelor who doesn’t want to be tied down.  As such, this has caused him to develop drinking issues because he wants to be accepted by them more than anything. 

Edited March 12 by Archetype