Rence Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 9 hours ago, Courtney Love said: Also reading the entries has made me ready for Haunting of Bly Manor on Friday It's almost here
Prisoner Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 ROUND IV: SPOOKY ALIENS REVIEWS PT. I Hug - "Werewolf/Moon" Spoiler Things I like: This entry started off with a really strong couplet. The use of 'sand' in the first line is nicely complimented by 'sea' in the next line and feels so smooth and natural. It really helped instantly teleport me into this song! The concept is also really nice, I really like the wolf/moon thing you had going on, and the whole duet-take on this is really beautiful. The pre choruses and the choruses really compliment themselves very well. A moment tbh. Things that could improve: I think the 2nd stanza felt a bit weaker than the first. For example, you used the ABCB rhyming pattern for the 1st stanza of verse one. This worked so well because of the extra "…sand/…sea" imagery present in the first two lines. So the next stanza with the switch in the rhyming scheme felt a bit weaker without the same device (linking imagery) present in it. But it's still good as it is, it's just a very minor thing. Overall: This is definitely my favourite entry from you so far. I do think this song works as a metaphor as well as literally, but I'm taking it as the latter since I really love it this way. Favourite line(s): "You drew your line into the sand But it swept away into the sea" hurricane326 - "They Are Here!" Spoiler Things I like: I love the theatrical vibe of this. This is so different from your previous entries too. You really took a risk with this one. I think the sections leading up to the 'They are here!' repetition is wonderful. Words like 'choirs', 'cacophonies', etc. really helped make this song feel like a musical piece. My favourite is the first of the pre choruses just for how well each line builds up upon one another. Things that could improve: I feel like the repetition in the chorus is a bit underused. It's just the three same lines without any dramatic build up. I think maybe adding a different line after each repetition would've really added to the dynamic of the song. Overall: While I don't think this feels as epic as your earlier entries, I really appreciate the risk you took with this one. It really opens up a different side of you and tells me you have the skill to switch things up and also tells me that you are a multi faceted writer and I just can't wait to see more from you. Favourite line(s): "When the choirs start to shriek And your field of vision disappears Cacophonies of panic Play as a rapture in your ears" 8th Prince - "3-Piece Zombie" Spoiler Things I like: The concept is so amazing! I think this is definitely one of the freshest ones I've read in this game so far. I really love the metaphors present throughout this song; the use of the 'zombie', 'iron vest', 'nails', etc. etc. It's wonderful work really. The scenes depicted are also really nice and detailed, the way they 'pass away' into each next line like the passing of the train is such a pleasant read, I'm lowkey stanning. Things that could improve: I feel like the quoted lines in the choruses could be placed better. They are placed next to each other without any interruptions in between and while the message did come through, it felt a bit clunky to read through them. Overall: Another great entry from you. I think this is your best work, both in terms of imagery and storytelling so far and so good work! Favourite line(s): "And when the train veers to the left The horde inside will all sway right: That’s all there is to your life" Ampersand13 - "Sensual Ghost" Spoiler Things I like: I really love how sensual this entry does feel. You really made this song feel very sensual, not just with your concept or story but also with the words you're using. This entry has the perfect mix of haunting and sensuous which is just a pleasure to read. There's not a section as a whole that feels off to me, but the chorus is definitely a highlight; the meter is so perfect here, the rhyming choices are really great too and everything just flows! Things that could improve: This is probably just me, but I don't really love the very first line with his skin being compared to a pillow. I think using other body parts such as chest or arms might've worked better. I also feel like you could've replaced '…ridden' with something else since that felt a bit 'hardcore', maybe with something like '…been on' or something more 'sensual'. Overall: I'm very pleased with this. Definitely my favourite entry from you so far. Good work! Favourite line(s): "You’re a ghastly fright opening me up at midnight You’re a walking sign telling me I won’t survive A scarlet kiss, how those lips fulfill my every wish" Rence - "ode to silence" Spoiler Things I like: I like that this is a fully dark entry. I love how you decide to tackle the issue head on and focus on that topic alone. This is indeed a risk for you, it abandons the storytelling style you used in your previous entries that have worked so well for you. But I also think this is your best one so far. Every single section is amazing imo. The pre chorus however is on a whole other level. The way you mentioned the dripping of blood followed by the forming of mental images of a devil's grin in the first pre is such effective imagery. Things that could improve: This is just a nitpick but I think the ending lines of the pre choruses should've followed the same meter as the proceeding lines. Just a very minor issue though and it's probably just me. Overall: So yeah this is my favourite entry from you so far. I appreciate this new side to your writing and can't wait to see more. Favourite line(s): "blood is dripping from my wounded skin mental images form a devil’s grin" Aurora - "Take a Bite" Spoiler Things I like: This is quite a spooky entry. I really love the horror elements you presented here. But most of all, I love the playfulness of the lyrics. The words that you chose, the rhyming scheme that you used; everything really added to the mood of the song. While the song is filled with all these haunting imagery, the lyrics themselves are really catchy and so makes this song a very fun one to read. I could definitely see this as a pop banger. Things that could improve: While this was very fun to read, I feel like there's not enough clarity in some parts to help me really connect to the song. I'm a bit confused about the 'their' present in the song. Is the 'their' in the intro the same as the 'their' in the bridge? I think a little mention on who the 'their' is about would've really helped elevate this entry. Overall: This is another finely crafted entry from you. I'm shook at you managing to do this round after round. Nice work. Favourite line(s): "Tell me, is this dream worth the devotion? Dancing with the demons every nightmarish day" funnellegs - "halloween '98" Spoiler Things I like: I'm not American so I don't really know the feeling of being homesick or nostalgic for Halloween but this entry really made me feel that feeling. The opening lines really sucked me in immediately, I think this quite effective as the start to your song. The detailing in the verses is just precious; 'power ranger costume', 'carved out pumpkin', 'knit scarf', 'cobble stones', etc. The details here are impeccably detailed, everything here is just perfect to me. Things that could improve: I feel like the chorus is a bit lengthy. I think cutting this part into two sections of four lines each would've made it read a lot better. Or maybe using the first four lines as the first two chorus and then using the full thing as the final chorus would've added that much more punch. Overall: I thank you for bringing the emotions yet again, I know it's a talent and I believe this is another very solid entry from you. Good work! Favourite line(s): "whether it’s a power ranger costume, or a carved out pumpkin on the porch, the simplest things take me way back, to the short days and play dates of before" Dessy - "The Gingerbread Witch" Spoiler Things I like: This is the kind of entry that really really pleases me. It's kinda dark but also in a very fun way. I really like the narration as a whole too, but that 2nd verse, pre, then the chorus to the post is a moment. I live for the witch's point-of-view here. I don't really know which section is my absolute favourite from these four since they all compliment each other so very well but I think the post chorus edges the others out for me. The switch in POV in the last chorus is really nice too. Things that could improve: While I do like the chorus for what it is, I feel like following a definite rhyming pattern would greatly enhance the reading experience. Since you're using a 'Trick or Treat, Trick or Treat', repetition here, having a 'trick' rhyme then a 'treat' rhyme and so on in the adjoining lines would've created a much smoother flow. Overall: This is another fun entry from you like 'Till the Violin Plays'. And while this isn't original like that one, I still really love the way you narrate this story and think you did a good job with your adaptation. Favourite line(s): "Powder her with sugar Season him with ginger Set the table, bring the food Got my wares, I’m ready to chew" @Hug @hurricane326 @8thPrince @Ampersand13 @Rence @Aurora @funnellegs @Dessy
Prisoner Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 5 minutes ago, Astronomy said: ??? idk why it didnt do it but i hope this link works https://docs.google.com/document/d/145qkApaLXgz5kQu2PHT6W_zZ5F-enMCyCtBHrtynKeM/edit oh wow it does. thank you ???
Dessy Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 Oh wow I made it to batch 1, thanks Prisoner. I really wanted to rhyme more as that was my original intention but a lot of terms I thought of were limited
Hug Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 Wait acclaim ? thank you Prisoner <3 I was happy to read you thought it started off strong because it sets the tone for the rest of the song
ATRL Moderator Ampersand13 Posted October 8, 2020 ATRL Moderator Posted October 8, 2020 Thank you @Prisoner
Kelp Posted October 8, 2020 Posted October 8, 2020 I’m really sorry for not submitting, I just got really busy and kept forgetting ?? ugh Maybe I will try for a comeback next round
ceremonials Posted October 8, 2020 Posted October 8, 2020 Even though im out, ive been inspired lately. I might write along with the next round if its interesting
ughgabriel Posted October 9, 2020 Author Posted October 9, 2020 (edited) to the next page yes x Edited October 9, 2020 by ughgabriel
ughgabriel Posted October 9, 2020 Author Posted October 9, 2020 Spoiler @Hug - Werewolf/Moon Spoiler I really loved how you created a love song about these two. It’s really effective on its own and works perfectly for the theme, yet it works as a metaphor as well. I thought this could also be about a couple learning to accept each other with their “flaws” or maybe about a long distance relationships, in a way. I liked that, symbolically, you can interpret it in many ways. I really liked the elements you used such as the moon having control over the tides and the wolf being a “subject to its whims and phases”. I liked the innocent nature of the moon’s verse as well, but i felt that lyrically it was not as strong as the wolf’s verse. It’s cute, don’t get me wrong, but the wolf verse was more gripping. @hurricane326 - They are Here! Spoiler I know you said this was hard for you but I think you pulled it off really well. I really liked how you started describing the situation since the very beginning to let the reader know what was happening. I think the atmospheric approach you used to open the song was very effective to let the reader situate themselves in the story. I like how the song is also kind of like a “what to do if aliens invade our world 101”. It’s kind of a preventive warning to let people know what to do in case of a situation like this and what could happen if you don’t act according to what is told. It reminded me of one of those “what to do in case of an earthquake” banners that are in schools but being about alien invasion instead. I have to say that I didn’t get to fully appreciate the dialogues (lines in parenthesis) because the ones on the first verse were not very effective. I don’t think the rhymes were very believable there. But I did appreciate them during the second and third, I think you executed it pretty well there! @8thPrince - 3-Piece Zombie Spoiler I want to believe it was on purpose but i kinda love the little wordplay in the title: 3 piece zombie/trippy zombie. I don’t know, I thought it was kinda cool! I really like the concept here, it’s more of a social approach than your previous entries but it kind of reminds me of Dashing Penguin in a way. I really liked that you wrote this song in second person because it gets the point across in a better way. I do believe that people tend to live their lives according to social demands and what is expected from them. So this reads as you pointing your finger to the reader and telling them “look what you’re doing with your life”. I loved how you ended it in first person because it’s a poetic way of telling “I can only change my way of doing things, but I can’t change yours” so in order for the reader to change their life, they have to act for themselves. I thought these were great choices to get your point across in an impactful way. I’m not sure if I’m completely sold on the second verse. I liked the idea but I don’t feel like the girl and the green skirt were the right elements to get the point across. It did, but it didn’t feel as impactful as other sections of the song. @Ampersand13 - Sensual Ghost Spoiler Sex with ghosts? Maybe Kesha’s Supernatural was ahead of its time after all! Okay, so I really loved the enigmatic and eerie atmosphere you set in this song. I thought it was as creepy as it was seductive. It was really engaging. I loved your chorus. I think your language in this song, specifically, was really striking because you found a good balance between the two essences you were trying to capture within this entry. I do think that your first couplet is a little clunky because it’s a little more straightforward than the rest of the song which is more mysterious and poetic. Pretty damn good! @Rence - ode to silence Spoiler I thought it was really interesting how you approached this topic in a very different way. Most entries that have included some sort of horror elements have focused on the darkness from the outside; the darkness that surround the protagonist. In this case, the darkness comes from within, which is a very intriguing point of view. I thought your bridge was beautiful and I would deem it as the most striking part of the song for me. I think I was left a little confused since you expressed during your choruses that you had someone to comfort you during these crisis points but during the bridge you reveal that there’s no one else. So I could think it means that your head created a counterpart to the darkness that haunts you but I’m still unsure… I would’ve liked a little more conciseness when it comes to the storytelling. @Aurora - Take a Bite Spoiler Wow, I really liked the fact that you opened with that spoken intro! I thought you were quoting something so I googled it but it turns out you weren’t, I really enjoyed the eeriness in that part, it felt like you were laying a curse on somebody! I also liked the spookiness you channeled on your verses and it made me feel uneasy; like if I should be prepared cause the true evil was about to make a move. I think i would’ve liked it if you switched it up during the chorus. I did like the mysterious vibe you used on your verses and prechorus but it felt like you were building up to something. And when there was no reveal of what was that thing that was so tempting yet deadly, I was left thinking “What am I supposed to be afraid of?”. I loved your spoken interludes. I admit the song works as a whole but I feel like it could’ve been elevated a little more with some clarity or a little more conciseness. @Astronomy - Play Thing Spoiler Is this an ode to Plastic Doll? Okay, so I thought this entry is really interesting. I thought it had multiple layers and could be interpreted in different ways. At first glance, I thought this was about Donald Trump, or maybe just a political entry idk. But yeah, the whole metaphor of standing up against an evil powerful beast who manipulates and control. This has to be political!! But then at the same time i thought of it as a song about an abhorrent heartbreaker who deserves no respect and treats you like a toy. I like to believe you did this on purpose so I’ll go with this theory about the duality of the song because it’s really clever! I have to say that there were some minor issues. I don’t know what you the Valley of Dust was supposed to represent. Also “falling down hard far” doesn’t sound to well when read aloud. The chorus is so catchy, concise, very pop and encapsulates the whole idea of what the song is about! @funnellegs - halloween ’98 Spoiler When I see titles like yours I’m always almost certain that a song will channel nostalgia in a way. And while you did that in this song, I thought it was portrayed in a very different way this time around. Most of the times when people remember the “old times” the song relies a lot on emotionality, which is pretty effective to connect with the reader. But yes, most of the times the songs tend to be a gloomy, melancholic read due to the nature of remembering things with such devotion. I think you channeled nostalgia in a very different way because the protagonist didn’t feel melancholic about these memories, instead of that, they said “hey, I don’t need to be a kid to feel that way”. Which is true. We can be situated on the present and still make it feel like the old days. We can still get that feeling of joy. While I was not expecting a song about the holiday itself, I think you encapsulated the essence of it pretty well. I know you chose to go with common word choices here because of the carefree nature of the song. But I feel like at times, some lines (the being basic and pumpkin spice lines for example n) weren’t on par with the rest of the song (like your chorus and bridge, which were great!!). @Dessy - The Gingerbread Witch Spoiler I’ve never been familiar with the Hansel and Gretel story. I knew the general elements of it but I didn’t know the entirety of it so I read a little more about the story before reading your entry. I really liked that you chose to portray the villain on your entry instead of the victim. I thought the essence of the song really differentiates itself from the others due to this choice. The first verse is so fun and so good because it shows the excitement for this holiday in a different light which ends up being both creepy and endearing. Part of me thinks that the chorus could’ve been stronger but at the same time I think it gives the song kind of a folkloric tale vibe which is very effective for a halloween song! I do think that I would’ve liked it more if you ended your song with your post chorus to keep that creepy essence until the very end and leave up to the reader’s imagination to decide if the kids escaped or were eaten. @firecrotch - Back in Love Spoiler I honestly thought this was really interesting and played according to a more realistic type of horror. You still incorporated some classic horror elements and used them as a metaphor for your concept in a pretty effective way. I think the metaphor was easier to understand and digest once we get to the second verse where you mentioned your family and the “doing it just for fun” line. I think I would’ve liked to see you go into a more detailed narrative because that would’ve allowed the reader to connect and understand the story in a better way rather than just the surface level of the story. However, I can only imagine how hard this could be for you to talk about so I don’t want to pressure you into anything that you don’t want to do. But I do believe that going more raw on topics like this not only lets the reader connect with the story in a better way but it also lets you vent a little bit and find a little comfort through the release of these emotions. i'll add the rest in a bit <3
Hug Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 So I was asleep when that was posted, but i will respond now. Thank you for your comments, Gabe! <3 I might be the only one who likes Moon's verse more but that's okay! That's what preferences are ?
funnellegs Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Thank you for the reviews! Always appreciate your thoughts ?
Rence Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Thank you @ughgabriel yeah the chorus showed that the person is too distracted that they start imagining that someone is listening but in the bridge they realize that that kind of coping mechanism doesn't really help them cause they realize it's all just in their head
ATRL Moderator Ampersand13 Posted October 9, 2020 ATRL Moderator Posted October 9, 2020 @ughgabrielthank you so much for your words!
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