ughgabriel Posted August 31, 2020 Author Share Posted August 31, 2020 Very impressed and happy with your overall performance this week! It's been a pleasure to read your songs <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rence Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rence Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Thank you Gabe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Moderator Ampersand13 Posted August 31, 2020 ATRL Moderator Share Posted August 31, 2020 I just want to say a huge thank you for the notes and thoughts. It's SO rare that people actually take the time to dissect and interpret up and coming artists' work and I feel honestly honored to be writing alongside y'all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATRL Username Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Thank you Gabe <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overprotected Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TROPICUM Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 tysm @Prisoner for ur review and your annotations they will definitely help me on my next submission. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dweebz Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Please, I half panned. We taking risks next round. period! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funnellegs Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) Thank you for the reviews! Really glad you enjoyed and will be more mindful of word choices next week (If I make it) Edited August 31, 2020 by funnellegs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckystrike Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 On 8/30/2020 at 7:44 AM, Prisoner said: I also feel like you could've gone with a different bridge. The lines here all build up to express the exact same sentiment you had in the chorus so a tiny twist or something unexpected here would've helped a lot. ty for the critique, actually when I finished writing the song the bridge was WAY longer and different, but as I was making last minute changes I kind of felt like it was a bit messy cause it had a very weird structure meter wise (that made sense only when I sang it ffff) so that’s why I decided to not take the risk and make it way shorter and more simple sksjdj, I’ll keep that in mind for future songs though, ty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted August 31, 2020 Author Share Posted August 31, 2020 55 minutes ago, luckystrike said: ty for the critique, actually when I finished writing the song the bridge was WAY longer and different, but as I was making last minute changes I kind of felt like it was a bit messy cause it had a very weird structure meter wise (that made sense only when I sang it ffff) so that’s why I decided to not take the risk and make it way shorter and more simple sksjdj, I’ll keep that in mind for future songs though, ty! omfg not lucky dragging prisoner like that. the villain of the season!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckystrike Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 11 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: omfg not lucky dragging prisoner like that. the villain of the season!! PLSSSSS not a drag :shy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prisoner Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 1 hour ago, luckystrike said: ty for the critique, actually when I finished writing the song the bridge was WAY longer and different, but as I was making last minute changes I kind of felt like it was a bit messy cause it had a very weird structure meter wise (that made sense only when I sang it ffff) so that’s why I decided to not take the risk and make it way shorter and more simple sksjdj, I’ll keep that in mind for future songs though, ty! yes but its always best to go with what you think is the best for your song. so if you feel the risk isnt gonna be worth it, thats always okay. (and i have to apologize. i think i made a mistake with a few of the entries by grouping that last section together that particular remark isn't about an actual flaw really but moreso what i think would have improved the song nnn) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prisoner Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 31 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: omfg not lucky dragging prisoner like that. the villain of the season!! not the clown trying to create drama between a sweet innocent contestant and an even sweeter judge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted August 31, 2020 Author Share Posted August 31, 2020 With a heavy heart I am saddened to share the news that Prisoner has decided to leave the panel with no apparent reason. We wish him the best of luck on his future projects Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prisoner Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 what is this fake news, I- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Courtney Love Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Screaming 1st batch of reviews coming in less than 2 hours (i hope ) There's something I liked about every entry (that I've read so far) so if it comes across as a bit harsh or what I didn't really personally like starts to outweigh the things I did like in the review, it could be my wording (ironic for a song contest lmao). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 Pissing with excitement Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Courtney Love Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 (excuse the banner, it's a wip) Round 1: I just wanted to say before you read the reviews that I’m super impressed by everyone who submitted. They’re all songs that could easily be used for something more than this game and ATRL (with tweaking) and that’s something I did not expect. I remember when I was competing in this game in Season 1 and I had a terrible round 1 entry that left me close to the bottom, which definitely put a dent in my confidence going forward (until I started winning rounds later on lmao). But just remembering that song-writing is super subjective and I’m only critiquing the songs as a reader. So I’m not going to get every nuance or double/triple meaning you have for your song. I’m basing it from my own interpretation for the most part. So anyway, here are my critiques: @Posh Spice - "Fen'harel" Spoiler I didn’t know what a Fen’harel was so I googled it and tried to place it with the song. I liked the idea. The story that you brought us on is great and the message you were trying to convey was also really interesting. I just wish it was expanded a bit more. The imagery was brilliant and I definitely got the tone you were going for I felt. Particularly in the bridge where you described how the character is running and there’s this urgency present because of the words you chose so great job. Some of the rhymes came across as forced/not that interesting i.e. stone and bone. I think there are so many more creative ways you could’ve gotten what you wanted to say across rather than using that particular rhyme. I also wasn’t a huge fan of repeating the same line in the chorus. I totally get it was probably done for emphasis, but I don’t think it needed it. I think it needed a stronger chorus, with a bit more fleshed out parts to it. For example: personally, I wish there was more of a set up for this relationship and why it’s so important. Why should we care about these two people? Maybe it’s because I’m not attached to the Fen’harel and its story so I’m not automatically drawn to it, but I also think it would’ve elevated the piece if you went into a little bit further. Overall, I thought it was really strong and super different for a first entry! If this is an introduction, I have an idea of the type of writer you are already which is a good sign! @Glassmouth - "remember?" Spoiler I really liked the word choices you used to convey how the relationship hurt. I also really enjoyed where you were going with it. There are definitely glimpses of interesting writing that draws me in e.g.: ‘until it hurt and couldn't think of it enough?’ / ‘The playlists / The curse’. I have a few critiques here that I think could’ve really elevated this I think. These type of songs where the lines are short and punchy are meant to convey something so much heavier than the text itself, but it can be really tricky to balance originality vs. something we’ve seen before. The fact that it’s also coupled with being about a relationship can be even harder to get your original voice to shine through. There’s also so many different messages you’re trying to convey in such a short song that I think what would’ve benefited you is to develop 2 or 3 of them and show us why those are unique to the relationship and why it’s interesting. Maybe that’s not the way you wanted the song to go, but I really think there are so many great ideas in there that could easily be expanded, instead of only lightly hitting on them. I also think the language is important for these kind of songs. Describe the laughter. What were the tears like? Was there a certain smell associated with those memories? Show us. Make it real for us. Overall I really liked where you were going with it, I just think you might’ve took a bit too much on with this song. @hurricane326 - "The Journey" Spoiler I really love that you wrote two songs. I didn’t read the first one because you told us to disregard it, but I’m really glad you submitted because I remember on my season there were times I had like two different ideas and I would wrote two different songs sometimes for a challenge! I loved your song. I really, really loved it. It’s a stunning piece of writing. I really didn’t think we’d get something like this on the first round. Please send this to a singer and create this into something. I would buy it on iTunes legitimately. (As someone who only uses Spotify, this is big for me! ) It reminded me so much of one of my favourite bands. Particularly with the set up of the Dandelion, the ant, the honeybee, and then you hit us with where you come into all of this. It’s really brilliant. If you shared this into the group, it would be amazing because it’s exactly what I’m looking for in a song. Overall, I don’t have much to say, because I don’t feel like it needs to be deconstructed, it’s just a super powerful piece of art that really hit me. @Ampersand13 - "Fake Love" Spoiler I wanted to say congrats on the music video, it’s cool! Ngl, it’s super hard to judge this. Also, I’m only going to focus on the lyrics, which obviously is not the only component of your song that has vocals, instrumentals, melody and a mv. I’m glad you submitted though because it’s cool to see indie artists show off their work! But onto the lyrics. So I’m going off by what I heard from the song. I kinda got your idea about the relationship being awful and wanting this person to know how bad it was, but at some points it definitely jumps the boat with melodrama. Which I guess is also what you were going for? Which I think would work effortlessly if the whole song came across as melodramatic. But you pull us back to Earth by saying ‘Even If you had the words, you still wouldn’t say them’, and I don’t know how I feel about that line. It kind of comes across as superficial, rather than melodramatic to me. I think what would’ve helped you is really turning the intensity up with all the lyrics. Really go in, if you’re going to go in. Overall, I think just thinking about the lyrics a bit longer and find out exactly where you’re going with the song, Also please submit your lyrics ha! @Hug - "Rainbow of the Night" Spoiler Your word choice is just great. It really give it this honest feeling, which I need as a reader to connect to and give it some authenticity. Like I believe you when you go into the section with: ‘Sometimes….’ I really liked (and related) to the concept and the idea of the song and really felt each line. The chorus is my favourite part of the song, it’s a really great, emotional piece of writing. The pre-chorus is super clever and effective also. I really enjoyed it. The payoff in the chorus is also really great song writing. Like you told us you wanted this, this and this in the verse, and you did it in the chorus. The imagery is great, particularly: ‘I’ll watch as the nighttime lives in every color Like a vibrant rainbow of the night’ The first part of Verse 2 is just really excellent poetry. I really enjoyed reading that part. The imagery, the idea to connect the rain to what you did is really brilliant. The only thing I would say is that you really didn’t need the outro, and I actually think it hindered the song overall because of it. So I choose to ignore it from now on ha! Overall, a great, clever piece of writing that was just super honest and I totally related to it. Great job!! @8thPrince - "Dashing Penguin" Spoiler The idea is really interesting using a penguin to express that feeling of marching to your own pace. I also really enjoyed that you splashed a bit of what makes this song 'you' in there i.e. ‘After all this change—plus four years’ time— / Ain’t all that far from your start’. I loved the bridge, it really tied the song together I felt. Here are my critiques: I wasn’t a huge fan of the overall execution though. I don’t think you made the penguin part interesting enough, and for a song that relies on this penguin imagery and themes, it can really kill the song. I don’t think the song is boring, but as soon as I got to the second verse, I was almost starting to skim the lyrics. I think what would’ve made this a bit more interesting is having a different idea for verse 2. We know this penguin is not the top of the chain, you explained that to us in the first verse. Maybe go into a specific memory, or even a new challenge. Marching to your own pace, can offer loads of different experiences and feelings, show us. It kinda came across as if you just scratched the surface on the theme. But overall, it’s a really interesting piece of song writing and I think the bridge saved it for me. @firecrotch - "high line" Spoiler I think you need just a little bit of work on the meter and timing of each line. A good way to do this is to just say it out loud like a poem. It’s really tough with this issue, because there are some really interesting lines, but because of the way the poem flows, it’s not hitting/impacting me in the way that it should. The idea really interested me and I think you pulled it off ok. I think if you expanded different parts and left some parts for another song, I would’ve like it a lot more. For examples: The opening of your song, isn’t really working with me, particularly this part: 'rebel, rebel proving you’re a contrarian' I’m not sure why, but it just seems like the rest of the song is showing a lot more empathy for this person, but this line just comes across as something that goes against the feel of the rest of the song. I could be totally wrong but that’s just how I read it. ‘little limelight on the high line’ Is my favourite line. It’s great and I kinda wish you developed more on this in the chorus and played a bit more on it. So good. ‘but your circling …… / ghost ….. / …… second chance’. Take the meter issues out of it and it’s some really great poetry here. I wish you expanded on this area and really went in to how that feels. Overall, I got the idea of the song and got the message. I would just say focus on style and word choice! @OreGuy - "Art Capital" Spoiler I thought it was a really lovely and positive song. I felt like I wanted to visit this place and experience all the things that happened in this song so the overall idea definitely works. The opening is very strong and is something that I remember even now, after reading nearly everyone’s entries at this stage. ‘Mister Wonder’ is setting up exactly what the song is going to be. The meter is also tight at many points so great job on that. Here are my critiques. I wish you would’ve spent a bit more time describing this place. I needed a bit more than just there’s marble in places and there are carvings elsewhere. What do the carvings look like? What did the street look like? Is it busy? Crowded? Invite us into this world. Not too sure if you grabbed me with the sensual side either. The exploration part of the song drew me in, I would’ve loved more of a focus on that. Really great idea, just needs a bit more work on delivery. Great entry. @TROPICUM - "Cycle In Repeat" Spoiler The idea is really great and really refreshing to read and I think you do execute it well overall. I love some of the word choices you used for this song. It really creates this creepy/ eery atmosphere that really makes the song stand out. I love the line about spewing blood and foam. It really sets the tone at the get go. For some reason, I love that you started your chorus with ‘Sad to inform’, and when it’s paired with the eery atmosphere of the song, it gives it this elevated creepy effect that you set up. I kinda wish the whole song went this route but you lose me here and there (which I’ll explain). But it comes back at the bridge and the outro. For some reason, because I had this eery set up in my head, ‘The Haunting of Hill House’ series kept popping into my head, which is always a great thing. Here are my critiques: I hate when people rhyme lie with try. Even though you get your points across, it’s just such an overused rhyme that I feel like you could’ve expressed those lines in a much more interesting way than just telling us that this person lied. It kinda came up in a few other places but I know it’s super nit-picky so I’m only picking out this one. I think just being really careful with words you use and really thinking about them to see if they fit in with what you’re going for. Verse 2 in particularly I don’t think fits at all with the mood of the song. You write in the description that you were going for a creepy vibe, verse 2 should’ve really amped up the creepiness, but instead, it’s kind of a filler verse where nothing really happens and we know the majority of the information that you’re telling us already. Overall, if this is any indication of the writer you are, I can’t wait to see what you come up with next. @luckystrike - "New Year's Eve" Spoiler The meter is so strong. It reads really well. You also express yourself so well in this. Even the set up in the first verse, I know exactly what this feeling of loss is, and the struggle this person is going through. Here are my critiques. I wish there was just a bit more there. It read to me as a little bit one note, like it’s about loss and missing this person. I just wanted like a little bit of a change up somewhere. Even if the second verse was about what this person was like or what happened. You did try to change the topic in the second verse by telling us what this person thinks but then as soon as you do that, we’re back to the original person’s thoughts and feelings. This would’ve been greatly improved if you expanded the second verse definitely. I’m not a fan of the New Year’s Eve line’s in the chorus, I think you could’ve totally cut it and wrote a much stronger one that would’ve hit me a bit harder. ‘New Year’s Eve, Come Back To Me’ just reads as filler, because we already know this. The chorus should be this huge revelation/ moment / something that connects the whole song. It needs to be really interesting, because I’m going to be reading it at least 3 times in one run through. I think possible using some poetic techniques or some new imagery, or anything really, just not filler. Overall, it comes across as super honest and I really like it for that alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted September 1, 2020 Author Share Posted September 1, 2020 Period ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firecrotch Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 @Courtney Love thank you for the review & advice <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 Oh wow the biggest takeaway I have from this is to not add something just bc it seems like it "needs" to be there if its not going to be of the same quality as everything else. I'll keep it in mind. Going to be honest I really wasn't expecting verse 2 acclaim, but I'm not complaining! I appreciate your comments a lot. you also reminded me I need to update my signature so let's do that now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firecrotch Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 when are the first eliminations? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 5 minutes ago, firecrotch said: when are the first eliminations? Round 2, assuming it works the same as the past seasons Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, hurricane326 said: @Courtney Love thank you so much here's the poem: 'The Journey' The dying dandelion in the wind She cannot separate from him She fragments, rides the current away She wants no more but to stay Yet she descends to Earth once more For no matter her cries to the skies implored She knows he will, but knows not when He will catch hold of her again The worker ant is tired, floored The weight of the leaf his late friends bore Til they dropped of exhaust in their quest to serve Replaced in the manner they were birthed As they replaced the toiled before them The cycle shall start itself again The honeybee is airborne, alert Repelling those who try to divert His search for ambrosia never to cease Until collected, upon which they will all feast On the delicacy on which life depends The search for more shall commence again I can't help but wade through the reeds Follow the stream that leads down to the sea Immerse myself in the raging storm Of which I had been so forewarned And in that state of disregard I found it not easy, but not too hard To let the water into my wounds to mend To resume my journey once again Wait okay serve the last part especially is so eloquently worded. I'm in love with the last three lines, what an ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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