selena_lavigne Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 I'm kinda late lol but thanks Gabe for the feedback. it was very helpful and insightful
selena_lavigne Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 9 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: Let me promote my upcoming album too Hide contents Welcome to the universe A tale of the obscure stories that once took place in this town "Take a walk through this forest, where the willow trees will guide you as they echo the stories of our hometown's past views" ? tracklist 2. ruin SHOOKETH!!
Auburn Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 AUBURN'S REVIEWS (banner coming eventually lol) Spoiler Posh Spice - Fen’harel This was quite intriguing to me! Based on the title I was not sure what to expect at all. I like that it feels like a story is being told. Overall your rhyme scheme is good. The chorus is repetitive but to me it works. There are a few word choices I would change here and there, I think rhyming “harbor” and “arbor” felt a bit forced, and “My feet ache as I run for the running stream” sounds a bit strange because you used run twice in the same line. Anyway, a good start to the season for me. Favourite part: I love the way the bridge is written, and as I read it, it felt like if it was a real song it would build stronger and stronger until it exploded into the final chorus. Excellent. Glassmouth - remember? Okay, this was an interesting read to be honest. That chorus; although it seems a bit unpolished, there is an underlying pop sensibility I can feel emanating from it, like I could hear something similar on the radio. I love how the “I do… I do…” echoes in the outro like a marriage vow, but it’s really about the end of a relationship. A few word choices in the second chorus I would consider changing (“the broken” doesn’t make sense and I would use “wouldn’t” instead of “won’t” in the last line). I think your verses could use some work; when you put them together they don’t read like they would be from the same song, even though they flow well thematically. But I think the bare bones of this song are really great, and I would love for you to work on it a bit more and then read it again later. It’s very relatable, but some of the details make it unique to you. Favourite part: remember the day we danced alongside each other look into our souls and cried for one another? remember the sex that we never finished? the love that was diminished hurricane326 - The Journey This was absolutely captivating. I am a sucker for nature imagery, so this is right up my alley. All the verses read as different stories, but it all fits together nicely. A part of me would have loved a central chorus tying these together, but in the case of a real song I could see an instrumental break sufficing here. Only minor nitpicks from me here; I think there are a few lines that could afford to be trimmed somehow so they fit the meter better, and just a couple word choices I would reconsider (“on the delicacy OF which life depends” sounds better to me, for example). All in all, I really enjoyed this and am ready to see more from you. Favourite part: The dying dandelion in the wind She cannot separate from him She fragments, rides the current away She wants no more but to stay Ampersand13 - Fake Love **Although this is a full song, I’m only going to judge by the lyrics because that’s what this competition is strictly based on (SOTS is more poetry/lyrics than actual songwriting lol). And in the future please just make sure to include the lyrics so I can read them as I go along! I gave you a stream on Spotify as well btw! It kinda feels wrong to attempt to critique you because obviously you have more experience songwriting than I do lol. That being said, clearly the meter is great as it fits into a real life song! I like the way it tells a story, and the rhyming works very well. For this round it is a good introduction to who you are as a songwriter. However, in the future, I would love to see something you specifically wrote for the competition, because writing lyrics to a real song doesn’t always allow you to dive as deep into the meaning of the words. Favourite part: I’m tired of singing with a bleeding heart That you’ll never notice Hug - Rainbow of the Night I have no major qualms with this. It’s probably the most solid with meter that I’ve read thus far, really really impressive. The imagery feels vibrant and colourful (especially when read against the black background lol), the rhymes are tight, and the chorus is simply beautiful. I think it’s very nice for an introduction to your writing style. In the future I would love songs that feel more unique and personal to you, but of course I understand not every song has to be like that. Also, I can definitely imagine these lyrics sung as a city pop song. Favourite part: Tonight, I’ll take my time getting home Slowly drive on down each stretch of road Gaze up as the skyline shines in every color Like a vibrant rainbow of the night 8thPrince - Dashing Penguin I really like the message of this song. It’s cute in a good way for me. Lyrically I like how the stanzas follow a similar pattern of speech. The bridge was also a nice change up. One thing to work on is your meter, I notice a lot of your lines that are in the same verse have too much variation in the amount of syllables. It works more in the verses than in the chorus, which I think lacks a punch because of it. And then just a few word choices here and there I would read over and alter (e.g. “futilely cried,” and “must stick fast” both read a bit strange to me. Favourite part: Not all of the creatures who walk the Earth Can make a home out the sky firecrotch - high line I love that you wrote about such a personal topic as an introduction to who you are. I think you’ve got some great ideas here, but unfortunately, there’s a bit more to be desired. Your meter is a bit all over the place so I would recommend counting the syllables in each line as you go along to make sure it flows well. In addition, your word choices here and there aren’t always ideal, so be careful to read it aloud before you finalize it. Rhyming is less important if it means sacrificing other aspects of the song. Favourite part: ghost on my doorstep begging for a second chance biting at a lended hand i cant recognize this man OreGuy - Art Capital I think a lot of what you have here shows a lot of promise for you as a writer. A lot of interesting wordplay and imagery here. I think what’s lacking is a chorus that really punches the song home for me. The amount of syllables of the each line in the chorus doesn’t completely flow well with the others, but that could easily be tweaked. I really love this concept though! Favourite part: carved out marbles smooth feel, southern get closer, flawless, stubborn color story midnight glory i'll be your territory TROPICUM - Cycle In Repeat Okay first of all, I love the concept material of this song! You’ve got a great idea here, however, the execution leaves a bit to be desired for me. The fact that the first verse is 7 lines, the second verse is 6 lines and the bridge is 5 lines makes the flow seem a little off. Having an uneven number of lines in the first verse and bridge makes them feel incomplete, like they are trailing off mid-sentence. As with many of your fellow contestants, the meter in some parts is not working for me as well. But yeah with some touch ups here and there, you’ve got the bare bones down here for a great song! Favourite part: This time there will be no escape You will be mine and I’ll win the game luckystrike - New Year’s Eve This was so cute! I agree with what you said in your description, it’s definitely forlorn lucky at his best! I wish the second verse had 6 lines like the first verse instead of only 3. Other than that it’s just minor nitpicks for me: some lines feel a bit too long for the established meter, and then just a few word choices I would change (I feel like I would say “on NYE” rather than “in NYE” but that’s just me lol). I am so ready to see how you’re going to grow and try new things this season! Favourite part: Memories, always haunting me but don’t want them to die All the pictures that I took right by your side They’re still living and I just keep going back, but why? Funnellegs - That Day In June Ahh, I think writing about it is one of the best ways to help yourself work through a traumatic situation, so I’m not surprised that this one turned out well. Aside from a few lines, you had very good meter here. The refraining parts of the song are great because they signify the way a traumatized person often relives the moments over and over again and asks the same questions each time. The song itself progresses as a story well; there are just some small things I would change, but it’s mostly personal preference with word choices. This is a good start. Favourite part: My vacant stare settled on your bedroom wall what a long way down this is to fall Your hungry hands reaching for more from me this moment isn’t what I hoped it’d be ?????? - Unpretty Little Liar Okay so my favourite thing about this song is the way I can feel the attitude punching me in the face through the screen. It’s really great in that aspect. The meter is a bit of a mess for me, I found it hard to really get into the flow of the lyrics because it felt off. Also, some of the rhymes felt forced. The rap definitely has potential though. I was cackling ngl! You kinda ate her. Note: next time if you are repeating a chorus or pre-chorus, please write it out again so it’s easier for us to keep reading it without having to skip around the page. Favourite part: The whole rap tbh Aurora - Signs This is one of the songs in the group for me that feels the most like I’m reading the lyrics to a real song. It all fits very well together. I love the pre-chorus, I think it’s so strong. I think the chorus works well, but I’m personally not a fan of the repeated “remind me of you” and “reminded of you” back to back. I don’t have anything else to say really, I know you’re a great writer so meter isn’t a problem for you. Overall, this is a very strong entry! Favourite part: I know it’s so cliché, I better not address it This vision won’t erase, I guess I’ll just repress it I know it’s in my head, those memories are dead So why are you still living in my mind? Rence - video games I love this song so much This is really beautiful. I think it all flows so well, I don’t really have anything bad to say about it. I’m a sucker for nostalgia like this. That bridge killed me (in the best way possible). Excellent job! Favourite part: if I could choose my battles I’d fight them all with you but the adventures are over, all I can do is lose so I send you this letter of my lingering hopes and dreams and pictures taken by our mother on the house we used to live in dweebs - PHOENIX I’m just gonna be honest here. The idea isn’t super original. However, I think your first verse was quite strong. The chorus is also catchy up until the last line, which is too repetitive for my liking. Unfortunately, in the second verse onwards, the other elements of the song kinda felt apart for me. That verse is just too repetitive within itself. The bridge felt a bit rushed as well. With some more work thought I think this song could have been better. Favourite part: But, I rise just like a phoenix Soaring through the open sky Watch my colors as i go by Overprotected - Companion So this was quite cute I think. As you said it yourself, I really think it could benefit from a chorus, because it does feel a bit short as it is. But what you have here is very good. The meter is mostly on point. “How short will be my life” kinda sounds like a forced rhyme though. Favourite part: Act blind to passing love in case it goes away I still have yet to learn that yours will never fade selena_lavigne - Love Yourself First Never would I ever have expected to hear ducks and minnows and getting ****ed mentioned in the same verse, let alone the same song kii! I love this concept, but I do think the execution is a biT messy lol. The meter is a bit all over the place, and there are some stylistic and word choices I would change. Promising start though, I’m excited to see more from you. Favourite part: The whole bridge tbh Dessy - Till the Violin Plays Oh wow, this was very fun to read. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I love how the intro and outro complement each other. I could totally hear this in my head as a real rap song. I think the first and second chorus were especially strong. The verses were well-flowing too, although there were just a few lines that felt like you were cramming to many syllables in. Overall a great job for me. Favourite part: Now if i wanted to go camping, I would've brought a rod Or a Rob, from fifth grade he was part of my squad He aint gay but I'm sure he'd let me ride his quad Lucky#17 - Different Angles I love love love the chorus on this wow! A really great job with that. Overall I don’t have too much to critique about this entry. It was very nice, there isn’t really anything wrong with it, but it wasn’t completely mindblowing if you know what I mean. With that being said, it is very strong. Next time please copy and past the chorus and hook, etc. if you are repeating them so it is easier for us to read though! Favourite part: Staring out the backseat window, in the midst of icy streets Squinting through my shades, sitting at the beach From crowdedness of schoolyards, to distance in valleys I’ve tried so hard, but I can’t shake my curiosity Temporal - D I love how much this song made me think. Even after reading it thoroughly, I find it hard to confidently say what the secondary theme of the song is. I love that. This is quite lengthy, but even throughout all that, it is all really well written with minimal issues with meter and such. It does seem a bit thesaurus’d in some parts, but who doesn’t love a little Mariah moment dahhling! I’m impressed with this. Favourite part: I’m not about to do that, I like me more How narcissistic, I’m the one I care for I put myself first and the locals are hurt Am I meant to care? They all treat me like dirt Gay Rat Divorce - Asteroids This was beautiful. Great rhymes, great meter. A concept that I relate to very much. There’s not much else to say because I love it. Could MAYBE use a bridge, but it doesn’t feel incomplete without it, just a little bit short. I guess it was written for the streaming era kii! I don’t think you’re gonna flop so I’m ready to see what you can bring with your new style of writing! Favourite part: When I reach my new home I’ll put a garden made of Saturn’s rings out front And I’ll think about all you did for me on the third rock from the Sun Overall, a great round. There are some recurring problems here, so I've made a little checklist of important things to me (I can't speak for the other judges). These are the things I'm really gonna look for in your songs this season: Meter: Really focus on this to make sure everything flows well when read. This is very important for me personally, and counting your syllables is the best way to do it. Rhyming: Great songs don't have to have ANY rhymes, but sometimes it can be disappointing to feel like something should rhyme when it doesn't. However, rhymes should feel natural and not forced. Utilize all kinds of rhymes to help with this, they don't have to be perfect. Concept: Does it feel like you put some thought/effort into creating something? Originality: Ties into the previous point. Does it feel like you tried to create a unique idea? Word choice/grammar: Awkwardly worded phrases can really destroy an otherwise great song if they are too prevalent. Of course, I understand that many people playing are not native English speakers so I completely understand that you may not always get it perfect. If you ever need help, please don't hesitate to ask me for an opinion. You can always send parts of your song to me to ask for an opinion, or if you need help fleshing out a concept, I am happy to help. I'm excited! Spoiler @Posh Spice @Glassmouth @hurricane326 @Ampersand13 @Hug @8thPrince @firecrotch @OreGuy @TROPICUM @luckystrike @funnellegs no idea how to tag ?????? lmao @Aurora @Rence @dweebz @Overprotected @selena_lavigne @Dessy @Lucky#17 @Temporal @Gay Rat Divorce
selena_lavigne Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 Thanks for the feedback Auburn. I def should work on my line length and meter so thanks for pointing that out And the part about the ducks and minnows made me lol. glad that part made an impact hehe.
Hug Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 Okay so...you really clocked my never drove a car in my gay ass life self. It wasn't something that was personal to me (and if anything, time slowed down just fine during this quarantine! ) and it seems you picked up on it. I do think my biggest weakness as a writer is writing about things that are personal to me because I struggle to make it feel honest and open while also being able to properly convey my emotions to others and still have it be up to par with my other stuff as far as meter and word choice goes. I'm more into the technical side of things maybe it's obvious. ? Anyway, since all of my reviews are in now, I will be sharing Rainbow of the Night ✨✨ https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PgwyQWE5g9GLPdrcR1cW5xydxu6xDeCGjLOfGABqPmM/edit?usp=sharing
Rence Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 Quote Now if i wanted to go camping, I would've brought a rod Or a Rob, from fifth grade he was part of my squad He aint gay but I'm sure he'd let me ride his quad
Hug Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 Excited for the R1 results! I got...mostly acclaim! Here I was thinking it was gonna be my worst season yet but I look forward to it now ✨ and no I'm not being forced to sing these lyrics by @ughgabriel and I can read his handwriting just fine ?
ughgabriel Posted September 2, 2020 Author Posted September 2, 2020 1 minute ago, Hug said: Excited for the R1 results! I got...mostly acclaim! Here I was thinking it was gonna be my worst season yet but I look forward to it now ✨ and no I'm not being forced to sing these lyrics by @ughgabriel and I can read his handwriting just fine ? Silly me, there was a mistake on the results, you're supposed to be higher. Let me fix it ?
ughgabriel Posted September 2, 2020 Author Posted September 2, 2020 Huh... Have you noticed the moon has been acting weird lately? I wonder what does that mean... ?????????
OreGuy Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 thanks for the reviews ladies i really appreciate them, thanks for taking the time ?
ATRL Moderator Ampersand13 Posted September 2, 2020 ATRL Moderator Posted September 2, 2020 Thank you @Auburn! I can’t wait for the next round to do something totally brand new!!
Dessy Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 @Rence requested so here's my song https://docs.google.com/document/d/17Def15STvKDZsUwdrdsYxUJSFaTITVZCT8DinysTo-s/edit?usp=drivesdk
Rence Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, Dessy said: @Rence requested so here's my song https://docs.google.com/document/d/17Def15STvKDZsUwdrdsYxUJSFaTITVZCT8DinysTo-s/edit?usp=drivesdk On to the next sin Tryna find my true yin Give him his next of kin Where they'll play the violin
Glassmouth Posted September 2, 2020 Posted September 2, 2020 ow, just getting to read your reviews, I thank u guys <3 i still have some issues as english is not my first language, however, i do agree the song might read a bit unpolished
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