fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 56 minutes ago, Jackson said: I love the macarena though Lowering your score again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Pears Reviews http://london.doverstreetmarket.com/ionnalee/ @Corsola - Once again, your concepts are amazing. Lyrically I think this was pretty good, but I think it's a little repetitive. You refer to this fog in the same way throughout, so I don't feel like the story particularly develops much or goes far, which I think it could've in improving this. If anything, I think the verses were a little short and the different aspects that you tried to portray weren't particularly needed - personally I'd have stuck to one and went more in-depth to cause more of an emotional punch - for example, if you talked more about the struggle to remember family or whatnot, this would be heartbreaking and beautiful. Or, if you went from before the accident to afterwards. While I say this, I overall do like your entry but I feel like you could've went about it differently which would've had more impact on me. With your writing as a whole - you are the concept queen. If anybody is serving brand new and interesting concepts each week, it's you. As we've said throughout the season, sometimes these can be a little too grandiose, but you've become a lot better at taming it down recently. In fact, your improvement over the season as a whole has been really admirable. You started this season off without having ever written before and now you're at the top 6. I'm really happy about this because you always seem to completely give it all and you really want to improve, so personally I hope you continue on, especially for the judge collab. If not I'd totally write with you anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Asdfghjkl really Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swiftie13 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 I miss reading last week's entries... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 6 minutes ago, swiftie13 said: I miss reading last week's entries... oh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Pears Reviews http://london.doverstreetmarket.com/ionnalee/ @8thPrince - I think lyrically this was on point, and you did a great job of keeping it very song like as well despite the lack of repetition. But I kind of have an issue in that it's a little overly vague. I love your enigmatic, more mysterious vibe but here I can't say I at all have a grasp at what this is supposed to be about or represent. Your description as always is really good, but I don't really have anything metaphorical here which I can relate it to, to interpret and understand the narrative. The only thing I can really guess at is that it's about unrequited love, but, if thats the case some references don't make sense to me such as the pebbles against the window line. In moving forward, a piece of advice I'd have for you is to be a little more clear at times in what you're trying to portray. For example, you describe everything beautifully here but there isn't enough conscious thought coming from the character for me to really get the narrative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 24 minutes ago, swiftie13 said: I miss reading last week's entries... :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 honestly i preferred this week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: honestly i preferred this week trash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 im too indie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 I'm scared :( I know Pear and Hug gave me high scores but I feel like the others won't Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 @ceremonials what is your song about, bitch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swiftie13 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 (edited) Round 10 Reviews @Aurora @Jackson @Corsola @ughgabriel @ceremonials @8thPrince Jackson Although I appreciate the concept and structure, something about the delivery felt off. It started off strongly but many times some things felt simply stated while others felt more subtle and it didn’t read well. There were also some awkward phrases like “Maybe I’ll just take a hit / Of poor man’s fairy dust,” and “I’ll take this medication prescribed for someone else,” which felt a lot more contrived than your usual style. The bridge (?) in general dragged this entry down a lot, it felt rushed and too long. Also, there were many ambiguous “you,” “me,” and “he,” and “she” switches, I was a little lost. Does “you” mean the father? Anyway, as much as I read this, it just doesn’t hit as hard as the story asked for. You’ll be back next week, though. Also, kii @ a non heteronormative song but the gay protagonist being a MESS. Corsola “Clouding my eyes that I need as my guide,” hm. This is the type of writing you should avoid. It sounds too obvious and just awkward. I’m not a fan of the tone in this piece, it’s very list-like. As for your concept, it was brilliant! I do think it was delivered somewhat vaguely, almost to the point where it wasn’t effective but your description did help me put the pieces together. There weren’t any stunning moments here but overall, the piece was stronger than its parts. I appreciate the different structure, it goes well with the amnesia theme, experimentation is always welcome, especially when it works. 8thPrince Again, different structure! I love it. Beautiful personification of June in the opening stanza. It’s vivid and conveys the time-lapse feeling you seemed to be going for. I love the concept of already having a story with someone in your mind and you executed that perfectly with this. The way you take a concept from a pervious stanza and then apply it to your future story with this person like light or clink sounds is just brilliant. You have such a knack for imagery, like I can picture everything that’s happening and it’s such a cohesive delivery. For me, the section could have been a little better. I see what you were going for, but it did not feel as strong as it could’ve been. Either way, this was another slay as per usual. ughgabriel I am living for this concept. You have essentially created a separate universe in the span of a song that I can imagine in my head. This is very different from the usual songwriting but it’s definitely still a song in its own right and very appropriate for its inspiration. There were a couple things I would have left out like “Where I’ll wait for you, father,” mainly just the father part, it wasn’t natural and breaks the flow/enigmatic/lost sense in this piece. It offered an interesting read for sure! ceremonials You used rhyme scheme, meter, and cadence to your advantage this week providing a work that isn’t conceptually adventurous but an interesting read due to the flow. It really feels like LYRICS which is always impressive, especially when they flow as naturally as they do here. There’s a very cohesive writing style that strengthened it although not without a few minor flaws such as, “protecting you more than these walls will ever do,” that was clunky and using “bestow,” was a no no. Don’t be afraid to back away from flowery adjectives and such because sometimes that detracts from a piece. For example, "luminous skies," was not needed at all, it sounded pretty but the rest of entry doesn’t call for “luminous” to be used. These are minor issues however. I love the titular line. Overall, I was really impressed with this entry. Aurora “Take another shot of me, frame me for your gallery / Keep me in your locket as a photographic memory.” A COUPLET. That right there is where lyricism meets poetry in the most flawless marriage ever. Keep doing that. There were moments here where sometimes it again felt clunky and unlyrical for the sake of flowery language but it was a step up from all your other entries in this style. It flowed a lot better and felt more relatable. You tend to lose a lot of emotional credibility when you decorate your language thickly but this week, I felt moved. Edited March 9, 2017 by swiftie13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swiftie13 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: @ceremonials what is your song about, bitch it's kind of obvious? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Pears Reviews http://london.doverstreetmarket.com/ionnalee/ @Aurora - I gave you a 10 and, that's all that needs to be said! I think you know what you're doing and I don't really have any advice. The other's, I think, are more opinionated - but I have zero complaints. @Jackson - With this entry, I love your lyrical style. Again you've done a good job of improving your emotional content. If there's any kind of issue here though, I think it's that you bounce around topics a little. You go from like, getting kicked out the house to becoming a homeless prostitute to contemplating suicide. Of course it's storytelling but, I felt like each different 'phase' if you could call it that, could've used a little more attention, or the transitions between each could've been smoother. For example, not that it's an important factor, but I don't think I would've realised this was about a gay person unless you said so in your description, cause you don't really hint at it other than in religious context and while the two are related at times, it's a little too disconnected for me. You could've focused on just one of these aspects in more detail and it would've felt more well rounded, I think. You did a good job of making this obviously a song with the meter. What I like about your writing is that you have a pretty good range of topics that you like to work with. For me, if you make it thru to the semi finals, I'd like you to continue this kind of unpredictability, and continue trying to improve your emotional connection. @ceremonials - Rhymes on point. Lyricism on point. The only thing I'm questioning a little bit is what this narrative is supposed to be. Cause it's completely vague. I can't tell if you're trying to be metaphorical or like it's literally about somebody fighting for, like, a king? I'm so unsure. That said though, the ambiguity didn't really hinder this too much because I loved how you kept to the theme, it was a real smooth song that I enjoyed. With your writing, I really enjoy your lyricism especially on songs like this and your entry last round where you stray away from being overly solemn and depressing. I think, in a way, that attempt at conveying such a strong emotion all the time can drown out and take away from your writing. So if I were you, I'd continue on this kind of path. I don't think there's an issue in being inspired by that kind of dark aura, but it should never overtake your song which in the past I would say it has come close to, so I'd be careful of that. This was much nicer stylistically, if you see what I mean. @ughgabriel - I thought you did a perfect job of taking the story and writing around it. Your use of imagery was really, really good and you mixed it seamlessly with really sweet sentimental lines which I adore. It's quite a tough job taking a story like this which is so interpretive too and crafting it into a song so, I think you did an amazing job. And I love this about your writing in general, like in other tracks like Artificial Paradise, you're unafraid to take inspiration which is so different and manages to take me into different worlds at times. This has been really unique to me. You always manage to make your songs emotional but without losing sophistication, for example in Tijuana. I feel like you never go the easy route lyrically, there is always a nice degree of refinement to your entries which I really enjoy. I would suggest keeping that up, pretty much. @Corsola - Once again, your concepts are amazing. Lyrically I think this was pretty good, but I think it's a little repetitive. You refer to this fog in the same way throughout, so I don't feel like the story particularly develops much or goes far, which I think it could've in improving this. If anything, I think the verses were a little short and the different aspects that you tried to portray weren't particularly needed - personally I'd have stuck to one and went more in-depth to cause more of an emotional punch - for example, if you talked more about the struggle to remember family or whatnot, this would be heartbreaking and beautiful. Or, if you went from before the accident to afterwards. While I say this, I overall do like your entry but I feel like you could've went about it differently which would've had more impact on me. With your writing as a whole - you are the concept queen. If anybody is serving brand new and interesting concepts each week, it's you. As we've said throughout the season, sometimes these can be a little too grandiose, but you've become a lot better at taming it down recently. In fact, your improvement over the season as a whole has been really admirable. You started this season off without having ever written before and now you're at the top 6. I'm really happy about this because you always seem to completely give it all and you really want to improve, so personally I hope you continue on, especially for the judge collab. If not I'd totally write with you anyway. @8thPrince - I think lyrically this was on point, and you did a great job of keeping it very song like as well despite the lack of repetition. But I kind of have an issue in that it's a little overly vague. I love your enigmatic, more mysterious vibe but here I can't say I at all have a grasp at what this is supposed to be about or represent. Your description as always is really good, but I don't really have anything metaphorical here which I can relate it to, to interpret and understand the narrative. The only thing I can really guess at is that it's about unrequited love, but, if thats the case some references don't make sense to me such as the pebbles against the window line. In moving forward, a piece of advice I'd have for you is to be a little more clear at times in what you're trying to portray. For example, you describe everything beautifully here but there isn't enough conscious thought coming from the character for me to really get the narrative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: @ceremonials what is your song about, bitch It an enigma I know it's kinda vague but that's what I was going for Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Just now, swiftie13 said: it's kind of obvious? don't sass me I'm like 90% sure I have it but some of the imagery doesn't make sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swiftie13 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 pears stealing my shine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 now, we just wait on @swiftie13 @Temporal can you believe i wasn't last? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swiftie13 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 (edited) Just now, keshaspearsxo said: now, we just wait on @swiftie13 @Temporal can you believe i wasn't last? I seconds finished before you. kii Edited March 9, 2017 by swiftie13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 OMG thanks hor 3 extremely positive reviews so far I will scream if I'm #1 right before the semis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 4 minutes ago, Temporal said: @ceremonials what is your song about, bitch yeah, i said the same **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 1 minute ago, swiftie13 said: I seconds finished before you. kii and yet no scores in my BOX? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 2 minutes ago, Temporal said: don't sass me I'm like 90% sure I have it but some of the imagery doesn't make sense It's supposed to be a bit vague but I understand if some of the imagery doesn't fit cause some of it was thrown in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 you know what, nveremind. im sick. let me live! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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