tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[touya kinomoto]

Stupid me. Thinking cere gave me a score high enough tp be in his top 10.

 

But congrats Will @Gastrodonatella. I knew you'll make it back. Win it for me sis. 

[ceremonials]

Just now, KatyCatPH said:

Stupid me. Thinking cere gave me a score high enough tp be in his top 10.

 

But congrats Will @Gastrodonatella. I knew you'll make it back. Win it for me sis. 

who's saying you arent tho, theres five spots left

 

[Tsareena]

 thanks @ceremonials for the review. I left the song meaning up in the air so the reader could take it either literally or as a metaphor for an abusive relationship 

[Galah]

o i ducked out for a couple hours and all the fun goes down, i c

 

but I'm surprised I'm as high as #6 on cere's rankings, happy days. not a pokemonster but lemme have a look at the other hince

[Galah]

Judging by @ceremonials reviews, I feel like pears is #7 (Owls live in trees), and SaintWest/Uvie must be #3 and #4 as they got slay reviews, but I'm not sure what the connection with the Pokémon is. #9 might be funnellegs since that Pokémon has weird looking legs, lol. I have no idea for the Porygon2.  Perhaps 2 = Gemini?

[Moonchild]

 

Hey, everyone, my reviews will probably be more to-the-point for a while. Still feel free to ask question or elaborations.

 

@Mezik - Restart

 

This had some pacing issues that set it back, most notably in “your arms would be holding me tight” and “in life, you can’t restart.” They break the rhythm with the previous lines and they’re phrased awkwardly (it’s more natural to say “your arms would hold me tight” or “you can’t restart in life”). Develop your word choices more, because you had a decent story going but your language never really rose to the emotions your song was trying to convey.

@ultraviolence.xx - numbered days

 

This was close to good. There were a few forced rhymes and stale images here but nothing major (trees/seize, days/haze, haze as image of bliss, melt frozen heart). Your language feels dated throughout, which is easy to slip into given the subject, but your songs should usually feel like they were written in 2017. No one says things like “lord’s infernal lair” or “arrays my grief” nowadays. “Spindly hands” was a slay tho. This was competently written, so just keep a fresh voice in your songs.

@Hug - Tu'er Shan

 

Your song is written well and I’m don’t have many complaints there. My main critique is that you chose a really interesting myth here, so I was hoping for more from the interpretation. It’s a literal retelling, which lots of people did, but I think you can go beyond that. You could’ve done the song from a rabbit’s POV watching a male couple in love, or the god’s thoughts on today’s world.

@minho Cat's Waltz

 

Ooh, this was really cool. I liked how you handled the duality of the song and took inspiration from two different sources. Your imagery was on point the entire song. I don’t have much to critique but I’m looking forward to reading more from you.

@keshaspearsxo - The Owl

 

This felt like a speak-singing song from Cats in its rhythm/sound I imagined. I dig. This song obviously didn’t call for a big hook, but I wanted a bit more than what your current hook gave. I like how you handled your song concept as a whole, and this is different than most songs I read.

@Glassmouth - Unicorn Blood

 

I think your concept let you down here. Your song isn’t related to the mythology of unicorns, first, which is the challenge. Second, your explanation helped, but the point you were trying to make in your song didn’t come across. You were going for satirical and morbid, but it felt more childish and pseudo-edgy. You have ideas, clearly, but they didn’t fall into place here.

 
@SaintWest - Olympia

 

“That’s when I crave your spark / Like a pyromaniac” Whew, a LINE, I use. I agree with Citrus that you needed some smoother flow and a few word/pacing adjustments here and there. But otherwise, I think you did quite well with this song. I was living the mythological fantasy.

@Nait Phoenix - Gemini

 

This is cute, but the sentiment and language are a bit too simple. You kinda hammer the same message for all of the verses and the chorus, so it doesn’t feel dynamic as it could. The hook is the best moment, and I like how you structured the song to climax there,.

@OreGuy - Bal Bal

 

Slay at you going off the beaten path with the culture of choice and also picking a cryptid for this. Kudos for that. Some of your imagery is a bit tired (crows and souls associated with monsters isn’t groundbreaking), but your main issue is pacing. We only see written lyrics, so going from a long line to a much shorter line and changing the stressing between lines makes it hard to read.

@MattyTacos - Dreamspell

 

Girl, you can’t set me up with the expectation of Hindu mythology then bring in Venus in the first verse. “My thoughts find beauty in the shape of my lover” works really well. I like this, and you’re clearly improved at songwriting, but I feel like the song is overbaked? We don’t need tainted heroes, stages of rebirth and death of tilted slates in five lines. You have a unique writing style for PH, so let that do the work for you.

@Tsareena - El Chupacabra

 

This is super fun. I like how you incorporated your subject matter into something relevant today. This is a “falling in love with a bad boy” song done right and the chorus is a BOP. Keep doing what you’re doing, sister.

@funnellegs - Without A Goodbye

 

You chose an interesting myth and story to tell it with. My main thing is, the longer your lines are, the more important it is to keep a consistent stress and meter. I was thrown off a few times while reading. Pretty good job, though.

 

@funnellegs @Tsareena @MattyTacos @OreGuy @Hug @SaintWest @Nait Phoenix @Glassmouth @keshaspearsxo @minho @Mezik @ultraviolence.xx

[fountain]

7 minutes ago, Moonchild said:

@keshaspearsxo - The Owl

 

This felt like a speak-singing song from Cats in its rhythm/sound I imagined. I dig. This song obviously didn’t call for a big hook, but I wanted a bit more than what your current hook gave. I like how you handled your song concept as a whole, and this is different than most songs I read.

Congratulations on finding a rhythm. Thank you for the review  

[fountain]

2 hours ago, ceremonials said:

#4  

This is a pear, perhaps 

[mxtthewdelrey]

WHY DOES EVERY TIME I THINK I'M ACTUALLY GONNA DO WELL WITH A SONG I GET NEGATIVE REVIEWS

 

[mxtthewdelrey]

3 hours ago, Covergirl said:

Just ate dinner at 6 am, loving life

me

[touya kinomoto]

1 hour ago, Moonchild said:

 

Hey, everyone, my reviews will probably be more to-the-point for a while. Still feel free to ask question or elaborations.

 

@Mezik - Restart

 

This had some pacing issues that set it back, most notably in “your arms would be holding me tight” and “in life, you can’t restart.” They break the rhythm with the previous lines and they’re phrased awkwardly (it’s more natural to say “your arms would hold me tight” or “you can’t restart in life”). Develop your word choices more, because you had a decent story going but your language never really rose to the emotions your song was trying to convey.

@ultraviolence.xx - numbered days

 

This was close to good. There were a few forced rhymes and stale images here but nothing major (trees/seize, days/haze, haze as image of bliss, melt frozen heart). Your language feels dated throughout, which is easy to slip into given the subject, but your songs should usually feel like they were written in 2017. No one says things like “lord’s infernal lair” or “arrays my grief” nowadays. “Spindly hands” was a slay tho. This was competently written, so just keep a fresh voice in your songs.

@Hug - Tu'er Shan

 

Your song is written well and I’m don’t have many complaints there. My main critique is that you chose a really interesting myth here, so I was hoping for more from the interpretation. It’s a literal retelling, which lots of people did, but I think you can go beyond that. You could’ve done the song from a rabbit’s POV watching a male couple in love, or the god’s thoughts on today’s world.

@minho Cat's Waltz

 

Ooh, this was really cool. I liked how you handled the duality of the song and took inspiration from two different sources. Your imagery was on point the entire song. I don’t have much to critique but I’m looking forward to reading more from you.

@keshaspearsxo - The Owl

 

This felt like a speak-singing song from Cats in its rhythm/sound I imagined. I dig. This song obviously didn’t call for a big hook, but I wanted a bit more than what your current hook gave. I like how you handled your song concept as a whole, and this is different than most songs I read.

@Glassmouth - Unicorn Blood

 

I think your concept let you down here. Your song isn’t related to the mythology of unicorns, first, which is the challenge. Second, your explanation helped, but the point you were trying to make in your song didn’t come across. You were going for satirical and morbid, but it felt more childish and pseudo-edgy. You have ideas, clearly, but they didn’t fall into place here.

 
@SaintWest - Olympia

 

“That’s when I crave your spark / Like a pyromaniac” Whew, a LINE, I use. I agree with Citrus that you needed some smoother flow and a few word/pacing adjustments here and there. But otherwise, I think you did quite well with this song. I was living the mythological fantasy.

@Nait Phoenix - Gemini

 

This is cute, but the sentiment and language are a bit too simple. You kinda hammer the same message for all of the verses and the chorus, so it doesn’t feel dynamic as it could. The hook is the best moment, and I like how you structured the song to climax there,.

@OreGuy - Bal Bal

 

Slay at you going off the beaten path with the culture of choice and also picking a cryptid for this. Kudos for that. Some of your imagery is a bit tired (crows and souls associated with monsters isn’t groundbreaking), but your main issue is pacing. We only see written lyrics, so going from a long line to a much shorter line and changing the stressing between lines makes it hard to read.

@MattyTacos - Dreamspell

 

Girl, you can’t set me up with the expectation of Hindu mythology then bring in Venus in the first verse. “My thoughts find beauty in the shape of my lover” works really well. I like this, and you’re clearly improved at songwriting, but I feel like the song is overbaked? We don’t need tainted heroes, stages of rebirth and death of tilted slates in five lines. You have a unique writing style for PH, so let that do the work for you.

@Tsareena - El Chupacabra

 

This is super fun. I like how you incorporated your subject matter into something relevant today. This is a “falling in love with a bad boy” song done right and the chorus is a BOP. Keep doing what you’re doing, sister.

@funnellegs - Without A Goodbye

 

You chose an interesting myth and story to tell it with. My main thing is, the longer your lines are, the more important it is to keep a consistent stress and meter. I was thrown off a few times while reading. Pretty good job, though.

 

@funnellegs @Tsareena @MattyTacos @OreGuy @Hug @SaintWest @Nait Phoenix @Glassmouth @keshaspearsxo @minho @Mezik @ultraviolence.xx

Legend coming through with ha reviews! I can't wait for my song to be dragged to pits reviewed.

[UFO]

OMG YAS MOONCHILD his reviews seem nice so hopefully I won't be lashed too hard      

although you can if you like - ow!       

 

13 hours ago, ultraviolence.xx said:

please tell me this isn't a real thing people say 

Unfortunately yes people actually say it  

 

 

6 hours ago, Aurora said:

@UFO feels insulted at you calling what's barely a paragraph, an essay

SCREAMING

 

These g0rls don't know a REAL essay when they see it, whew!   

 

[insert The Lord of the Rings book franchise here]

 

 

 

Edited September 3, 2017 by UFO

[UFO]

6 hours ago, ceremonials said:

@UFO, “Love in a Lie”

 

OMG, all the  background info. Euphoressay indeed. It was appreciated though, though I felt like I really only needed to know who Narcissus was. He was the only thing integral to the plot, and most other things felt tacked on to add to the imagery. Still, they do add to the tone and overall vibe of this piece, which helps. I do think the repetition throughout was kind of unneeded, as it was something that didn’t really need that much emphasis, but stylistically it was cute. I also think the chorus was a bit too long to leave a lasting punch, but it was still probably the most compelling part of the song. In terms of narrative I guess I wish there was a bit more closure - in a sense, it doesn’t go anywhere. He’s in the same place he was at the beginning of the song, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s his punishment. If so, cute.

Nnnnnnnn the background info was definitely too much but I wanted to make sure I included EVERYTHING and clarified EVERYTHING beforehand so I wouldn't get dragged for something that can be easily explained, you know?   Like... I'm pretty sure almost everyone knows what a Midas touch is   but I clarified it just in case!    

 

I definitely agree with the repetition critique! I think I emphasised it more because it went from "I think I've finally found a love" in verse 1 to "I found a love in a lie" after the first chorus, so I wanted to further highlight that realisation!

 

I was also scared that the chorus would be too long   but I really didn't want to delete the repeated parts since it's so integral to the storyline (Narcissus thinking his reflection is someone else e.g. (I try to stroke your hair - You try to stroke my hair))

 

I do agree that it kind of goes nowhere but I did that on purpose   or did I?   ffffff but - like you said - the fact that there's little to no closure further emphasises how that's his punishment   also I tried to give a little closure in the bridge but I totally get what you mean! Originally

in the myth Narcissus dies because he stares at his reflection for too long, he essentially starves himself and becomes dehydrated but I kind of wanted to twist it around and make it a little more hopeful with the idea that "he found love even if it was just a reflection" in the bridge, you know?  

 

7 hours ago, Jackson said:

@UFO – A Love in a Lie

“Someone has finally matched my beauty” OK wow way to be conceited. “Reversed Midas touch” was clunky. I LOVED the flow of the prechorus, which is interesting because I rarely like short lines and sections. “I feel you/not with my hands” WOO that line. This song seemed poppier than what you usually write, but I really loved it. The simpler language let the emotion really shine through, and ended up being one of your strongest songs for me.

FFFfffff when I wrote the line "Someone has finally matched my beauty" I literally YELPED   like imagine someone singing that line in the first 10 seconds of the song with a serious tone "I think I've finally found a love / Someone has finally matched my beauty" ajfhaj   asshole teas

 

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with the "reversed Midas touch" being clunky   I wrote that line in so many different ways but every time it sounded clunky. I really didn't want to cut it out because a "reversed Midas touch" is really cute in terms of imagery and emphasises how Narcissus can't physically touch his reflection and his battle with finding true love so I just left that line in there hoping y'all wouldn't pick up on it, but y'all did   akfhasjkfg

 

YAAAAS STAN for the prechorus!      Initially the pre-chorus was the chorus but developed a little more but then I turned it into a pre-chorus and broke it up with the "I feel you" lines and I SCALPED myself - the flow >>>   

 

My song was definitely a lot more indie/folksy than the finished product (the chorus especially still keeps that indie/folksy vibe compared to the other sections) but yas, I decided to make it a little poppier than what I'm used to writing and I think it paid off!   sometimes my songs can be difficult to get into so I definitely wanted to be slightly poppier to HOOK y'all in   

 

Quote

but I really loved it. The simpler language let the emotion really shine through, and ended up being one of your strongest songs for me.

WHEW THANK YOU!   hopefully I'm higher on the charts this week than last week. Black Sun is still a great song (especially conceptually), however, I do believe that A Love In A Lie is more fleshed out and executed better than Black Sun and gives y'all slightly MORE to latch on to.

 

I thought y'all would HATE it whew I guess I thought wrong  

 

Edited September 3, 2017 by UFO

[UFO]

4 hours ago, ceremonials said:

so i wanted to do hints last round but unfortunately didnt really get around to it since we were all swamped. but here we are  Reminder that this is only my personal top 10, and there's three other judges that  could've scored you completely differently.

 

top ten :

 

#1 

 

#2 

 

                                                                                         #3         

 

#4  

 

#5    

 

#6  

 

#7 

#8 

 

#9 

 

#10 

 

DISCLAIMER: The hint may refer to the song or the username - they're not all directly related to the song titles for example.

 

get hunting girls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#3 - @minho

#6 - @Aurora

 

Those are my guesses, I'm not sure about the others   

[touya kinomoto]

5 minutes ago, UFO said:

#3 - @minho

#6 - @Aurora

 

Those are my guesses, I'm not sure about the others   

Sis, cere has already revealed #1, #2, #5, #6 and #8.

[UFO]

1 minute ago, KatyCatPH said:

Sis, cere has already revealed #1, #2, #5, #6 and #8.

MESS     I should read through all the pages first before posting

 

#3 could still be minho tho  

Edited September 3, 2017 by UFO

[touya kinomoto]

2 minutes ago, UFO said:

MESS     I should read through all the pages first before posting   

You're good sis. You should be happy because the good sis Will @Gastrodonatella is coming back.

[UFO]

Just now, KatyCatPH said:

You're good sis. You should be happy because the good sis Will @Gastrodonatella is coming back.

Yay I'm so happy, welcome back!   @Gastrodonatella

 

[UFO]

7 hours ago, Jackson said:

@KatyCatPH – Zephyr’s Song

This was definitely a step up from last week’s song. It still wasn’t perfect, but you seemed to do a lot more right this week. The storytelling was strong and the song flowed much better.

7 hours ago, ceremonials said:

@KatyCatPH, “Zephyr’s Song”

 

Okay wow, this was a huge improvement over last week. It’s not the perfect song for this round, but you went from weird novelty pop song to an actually thoughtful piece of work in less than one round, and that alone shows your determination and willingness to learn. I admire that. I admire also how closely you follow the original in terms of narrative, though at times it felt like a retelling of the story, it was still a nice way to read this story with some added character development. It wasn’t the most ambitious choice of myths, just essentially about a jealous homewrecker, but I think you executed it well. Though I wish there was a bit more of you in this, it still has a lot of personality and charm and it shows your determination as a writer.

The good sis already improving from last week with my help this week   yas! I feel so proud  

Edited September 3, 2017 by UFO

[Dylobs]

Am I #7???? The Dylogent Horticulturalist???

[UFO]

3 minutes ago, Dylobs said:

Am I #7???? The Dylogent Horticulturalist???

ffff that title is everything   

 

Also @Speezy is serving haute couture avant-garde sexual concepts with Break and Swallow Steel     the new CupcakKe

[poki]

Thank you for the reviews. 

My mythology was very very loose, I agree. Thank you for liking the bridge, it was one of my favorite parts.

Lemme take today and tomorrow to go through forced rhymes and study of how to improve that issue. 

 

[Jackson]

5 hours ago, CountryBritney said:

Sorry I didn't submit everyone. I've been in hospital, and everything's a bit of a mess right now. I only had a chorus of my song hence why I didn't submit but yeah, good luck guys : ) 

If you want, you can still submit songs for the next couple weeks and you'd just get a 1 for this week, and if your average is high enough you'd still make it through 

[Jackson]

3 hours ago, keshaspearsxo said:

Congratulations on finding a rhythm. Thank you for the review  

I sensed a biT of shade

[UFO]

24 minutes ago, PoKiTaurus said:

Thank you for the reviews. 

My mythology was very very loose, I agree. Thank you for liking the bridge, it was one of my favorite parts.

Lemme take today and tomorrow to go through forced rhymes and study of how to improve that issue. 

 

My #1 tip for forced rhymes would be: do not write a line because of a rhyme but write a line with a rhyme. Forced rhymes are a lot easier to avoid when you're not focusing too much on rhymes when writing - it flows more naturally. Sometimes I write certain lines in order to fit the rhyme scheme or whatever, but lately I've not been doing that as much. Make rhymes a second priority, I guess.

 

Also, incorporating more slant rhymes are a good alternative although be careful because slant rhymes can sound forced as well. 

 

An example of a good slant rhyme:

 

Feet are on the ground but somehow I can't feel the earth
Distorted sense of time, I wouldn't mind if the truth hurts

 

Everything should flow like a story when you rhyme. Everything should (more or less) make sense if you replace the rhyming word with a word that has a similar meaning.

 

For example:

 

Feet are on the ground but somehow I can't feel the world
Distorted sense of time, I wouldn't mind if the truth hurts

 

It doesn't rhyme but the lyrics still work even without the rhyme.

It's all about making sure each line MATTERS in your song. If you read a line on its own and it doesn't add anything to your song then you should probably rewrite it.

 

For example:

 

I remember how you looked at me

With the gravity of your eyes and the way I fall as you leave

 

The first line "I remember how you looked at me" doesn't really add much to the song on its own. But it sounds much better with the second line because the second line is what's providing the imagery and the MEANING. You should try to avoid that.

 

For example:

 

I remember the you of yesterday and how you shattered me

With the gravity of your eyes and the way I fall as you leave

 

Everything makes sense and sounds more natural. Also, the first line "I remember the you of yesterday and how you shattered me" works on its own a lot better than "I remember how you looked at me" - just a few tips!

 

If you want more advice feel free to hit me up!     I'm not really that good with technical stuff either but I try my best

Edited September 3, 2017 by UFO