Hug Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 3 minutes ago, PoKiTaurus said: Curious to see which challenge was the most popular! The one I did
fountain Posted July 7, 2023 Author Posted July 7, 2023 7 minutes ago, PoKiTaurus said: Curious to see which challenge was the most popular! At the moment, it’s actually very close and pretty even! Right now, @Jackson’s Split Song challenge has 5 submissions, @Legend E’s Chemistry challenge has 6 submissions, and @JoeAg’s Near Death Experience challenge has 5 submissions. There’s currently 10 songs, and for a lot of the entries people incorporated more than one of the challenges, so there are more submissions in that way. This could change a little though because there are another two songs coming, I believe. 1
Galah Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 2 hours ago, Hug said: The one I did You did them all, didn’t you?
Jackson Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 8 hours ago, Aurora said: You did them all, didn’t you? Does @Hug ever NOT do multiple challenges if there's an option to?
Hug Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 1 minute ago, Jackson said: Does @Hug ever NOT do multiple challenges if there's an option to? Last 2 rounds were flukes. I only chose one type in the Pokemon challenge. 😳
XO_Life Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 (Couldn't create an own cover) The song is very simple, raw and emotional. There are several voice cracks and you can almost feel the singer crying the lyrics. It's acoustic without "fancy" production. The song makes you very uncomfortable because it is very graphic. The chorus is the "softest" part of the whole song while still being brutal. Trigger warning: Spoiler I can't wait to watch you Burn Bones to dust, you made my heart rust Flesh melting off, now it's your turn Nothing I enjoy more in this world Watch you burn 2
poki Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 I still have PTSD from Citrus' anti water imagery stance so I was too scared to do the chemistry one.
Jackson Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 StormPulse – Heart of the Ocean You state in your other information that this is a Titanic entry, so I’m guessing the narrator’s husband doesn’t survive the wreck when you say “sleep well my love, you shall not suffer the same” – but this is the only place in the song I see any allusion to death, and I don’t really see any references to the Titanic. I don’t think the latter is a problem, but it does make it a bit confusing to see one reference to death at the end without much other context. Lyrically, this is stellar. You didn’t go full science for this entry, but I actually think you struck a good balance of mentioning carbon, magma, and coal without it feeling contrived. Does it fit the challenge? That’s up for Legend E to decide, but I think there’s enough here for it to count. You took what is essentially a geology lesson in the second verse and made it pretty and poetic, so I commend you for that. The entire “But the diamonds they rocket…” verse is the standout of the song for me – that entire section is beautifully written and full of evocative imagery. Compared to last week, this wasn’t quite as emotionally resonant for me, and the narrative could have been more clear, but this is a beautiful, strong entry nonetheless. @XO_Life – Burn Per your additional information, let this sentence serve as a trigger warning for anyone reading – although I don’t intend to quote the more graphic lyrics. As you mention, this is a very sensitive topic, and one that should be handled delicately, especially given the inspiration you cite. I’m not personally offended by this, but I could definitely see this crossing the line for some people, especially those with personal ties to the subject matter. I think the approach you took to avoid a more poetic style and metaphors worked to display the sensitive subject matter. There were still some poetic moments, specifically in the chorus and third verse. “Flesh melting off” normally would be too abrasive for lyrical writing, but I think it matched the tone of the song here. I liked how you censored yourself a bit at the end of each verse, trailing off before going back to the “I hope you burn” refrain. This helps immerse the reader into the psyche of the narrator, and shows there’s a lot more to the story than what you wrote. I think there are ways you could have conveyed the same brutal, raw message without writing some of the more graphic lines, but it’s a choice you ultimately made that still worked to an extent. In terms of writing something memorable and risky, you definitely achieved your goal. @Hug – norepinephrinendorphins When I first read norepinephrine, I read it as though you were personifying fear itself rather than speaking to an abuser, and I think I like that perspective more. Thinking of “I moved to his whims/I danced to his mood swings” metaphorically helps cement the image of norepinephrine driving the person’s actions and emotions, and from that perspective I thought this was a really unique take on the challenge. Although you mention you intended for there to be an actual abuser, I’m going to take my creative license as a listener and pretend you wrote it my way on purpose, especially since you don’t actually define who the abuser is. “As if my only escape would be by my captor/once he went too far, I’d be happy ever after” is one of my favorite couplets of the season so far – you absolutely scalped me with that one. You switching to endorphins abruptly halfway through gave me major “Know Better/Forever Boy”, where you totally change stories and moods halfway with absolutely no intent to continue the original song. Where I hate Ariana for it, I liked the juxtaposition of hell/heaven and the different chemicals taking hold of the narrators. I really liked “sensations not emotions” to drive home the chemical aspect of the song. “We both know the focus/friendship with a bonus” was a totally cheesy pop couplet that I could have done without, but it does drive home the FWB vibe so I’ll allow it. I think norepinephrine was the stronger song of the two, but both are solid. Had you written endorphins like I falsely imagined norepinephrine, written to the chemical itself, you could have made the entry stand out even more and pushed it to a slightly more memorable place. As it is, this is a great song, though – you’re having another stellar season. @Julianna Calm Down – LEXAPRO This was a very ambitious entry. In addition to tackling two challenges, which I think you did well, there was a lot of storytelling in this song – yet you kept everything poetic and chaotic, but also very personal. The small details in the lyrics, like “flamingo skies” and “you broke your ankle on cobbled streets” helped build the narrative while also helping the lyrics feel very personal and emotional. There were a few details that felt out of place or unnecessary. “Now I keep you in a bell jar” was an odd image for me, as I wouldn’t normally imagine a deceased person existing in a clear vessel. “Wildfire symphony”, while poetic and descriptive, didn’t quite fit the image of fear for me. This whole verse was perhaps a bit too verbose for me to imagine it as a song. Despite this, I think this was your best song so far this season. I really liked both of your choruses, especially “you will rest in the soil/breathing only for yourself” in the second part. I can see you’ve taken a lot of the advice from the judges/mentor in previous rounds, I think it hugely paid off here. Although this was an ambitious entry, it never felt forced or confusing. This felt like an actual dialogue between you and the deceased person, strengthened by mentions of “I’m on Lexapro now” and “Why didn’t you ask me before leaving?” that brought me as a reader directly into the story. I’m happy to see you taking risks and succeeding, and it’s been fun to watch your growth these past few weeks! @OreGuy – Tensile Tungsten Ways I have to commend your commitment to the theme – rather than just mentioning a chemical somewhere in your song, you went full elemental with your lyrics and metaphors. For the most part, I really liked your tungsten metaphors. “Strong enough to not feel pressured at all/Supposed to be the hard one/But your flames melt me in unfamiliar forms” was poetic and effective. “I was rare/’Til you came” was also poppy and catchy, and “In my tensile tungsten ways” was a memorable tongue twister that helped the titular line stand out. “I’m better/than anyone who’s been on this table” wasn’t quite as effective to me, as “table” doesn’t really make sense outside of the period table reference, where your other metaphors could be taken multiple ways. You could take it as a sexual reference, but I this man must really love kitchen sex for that line to make sense. The bridge was also way too wordy, and didn’t really fit the vibe of the rest of the song, although “I can **** you up good and your ***** on the side” made me scream. Overall, this was a fun, campy entry, and a joy to read. The amount of fun you’re having writing these entries is evident from the lyrics, and it genuinely makes them incredibly enjoyable. @worldwide angel – Ascension On Earth This is my favorite song from you this season, and perhaps one of my favorites I’ve read from you overall. First, let me get my minor criticisms out of the way, though. I’m not entirely sure who the “you” in this song is – it seems like it’s mostly a song about alternating between reality and some medically induced dreamy near-death purgatory, so I’m not sure what other character would be transcending these realms with the narrator. “Wave my tentacles up and right, all night” didn’t entirely make sense to me either. I imagine the “tentacles” reflect some sort of overlap between these domains, or perhaps the strangeness of life, but it’s a bit of an odd image. I really liked your description of this near-death domain, especially when you describe the nothing-something nature of emptiness. I think it would have been interesting to follow the “so ‘nothing’, nothing doesn’t exist” couplet with some idea of the “nothing” you’re staring into before being pulled back. The image of drifting with no limbs no head, venturing into a world that exists but doesn’t was very compelling. I love the way you describe eyelids clapping and rooms filling with ink, as it reinforces the otherworldly way the events of the song unfold, even in the normal world. “The bright bowl of honey glows” was another standout line. A lot of your songs seemingly exist in this bright, celestial world, but I loved the added narrative present in this one. @Kylie Jenner – Farmer, Farmer While I’ve loved the cinematic universe of your first two songs, I’m glad to see some new characters making an appearance this week. This feels very country, not just due to the farm setting, but also the phrasing of lines like “farmer’s got the gun” and “God, I’m sorry”. As a Midwest resident, I appreciate the cornfield setting too. I spent a few minutes trying to search for a deeper meaning before realizing often bored small town people like to just break the rules and run through cornfields – the risk is part of the fun! This was a great mix of commercial yet descriptive writing. “Lost in a maze of maize” was super memorable and helped establish the setting of the song, and “my body makes friends with the mud” was a really creative way to describe being shot down. I’m glad you took the time to create interesting ways to say things, because it made the song SO much more enjoyable to read. The added wolf and sheep metaphor added another dimension that I appreciated. My only minor gripe was with the ending “by the skin of my teeth” was oddly pedestrian compared to the elevated imagery throughout the rest of the song, and “I make it out alive” was anticlimactic after the drama present elsewhere. I think you could have added a few extra lines to resolve the narrative more completely – still, great job. You’re having an excellent run this season and it’s showing no sign of slowing down. @GentleDance – Carbon Despite not choosing Joe’s challenge, while the song doesn’t deal with any near-death experiences, it feels like a JoeAG song in a lot of ways to me. The language is elevated, the imagery is unique and precise, and the technical songwriting is solid, but the word choice sometimes feels contrived and there’s points where I’m not sure quite sure what you’re saying. “It was rehearsed till it didn’t” felt uncharacteristically unpolished compared to the rest of the song. You mention that the song is from the POV of a higher life form discussing life on Earth, but I wouldn’t have guessed that if you hadn’t explicitly told me outside the song. While I like the poetry of “lightning strikes to adenine stripes/carbon assembles and talks”, describing the evolution of life and the way it interacts with the Earth and other life forms, I’m not sure what telephobia has to do with anything per your intended meaning. However, if I were to interpret the lyrics myself, I could see the entire song being about telephobia. “behind wires, wires, wires of copper… they made a whole circuit to spite him” could be about reluctance to make connection over the phone, as could “think, think think/there’s nothing to say” and “talk, talk talk/it doesn’t sound rehearsed”. From that perspective, I think the song is a clever way to break down a moment of social anxiety into its basic chemical and mechanical components. And even if unintentional, I like that I was able to glean an entirely different meaning from your lyrics. @PoKiTaurus – Clive Vibes / Demon Talk Thematically, this feels like it’s in the same vein as last week’s entry, but I like the execution of this more. I appreciated you using “The Last Wish” instead of writing “Puss in Boots 2” in your lyrics . I see that media has had a huge impact on your self image, and it’s interesting to see that come to life through your lyrics. I appreciate the rawness of the lyrics, as they feel almost like a diary entry. Still, I’d love to see you try using your inspiration more metaphorically in future rounds – not that you’ve done anything wrong, but I think it would help build your skills to try writing in a more abstract way for a round. There were times when lines said quite plainly, like “no more do I feel like I have to run or hide”, or in a cliché way, like “because who wants to be with a monster that has no soul?”, could have benefited from either more interesting phrasing or more poetic, metaphorical execution. “It’s easy to get rid of the stains on your rubber boots” and “perhaps ‘bridging the gap’ can have a different definition” are examples of lines where you did this well. While I am a fan of this as-is, I’d love to see you continue to take risks to make your writing stand out even more. @Aurora – First Place • Second Wind Jesus, the dissertation of commentary you have for this - and for the last song I have to judge, too? I did actually read the entire commentary section, and as someone I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for the past nine years, know I’m rooting for you personally and professionally! Knowing that I personally was a high school junior when I started playing these games and am now 3 years out of grad school, it’s insane to think about how much life occurs outside the confines of this game’s bubble. Writing your first song from the perspective of a PH/SOTS/GH player was a unique angle, and I’m sure you sprinkled in lots of bits of your personal life in there as well beyond what you shared in your commentary novel. There were some word choices in your first song that I normally would have called out, but because they were specifically requested in Joe’s challenge, I can’t fault you for them – but at the same time, knowing your writing, I know a lot of them would have been present regardless of the challenge. Overall, I found your second song to be more emotionally resonant, and I’m glad you gave yourself the constraint of writing it in under 24 hours, because I think it added a lot of personality and poignancy. I often write in a similar fashion to you, overthinking every line, making sure each word is purposeful and impactful. In the end it creates a product that contains a lot of love and care, but can also come across as “prioritizing style over substance”. For such a detail oriented writer, it’s often actually harder to write without overanalyzing every word choice, but I think it’s an important thing to play with. In your first song, there were a lot of lines that I thought were pretty, but ultimately won’t stick with me, such as “Invalidated by their condemnation boldly spoken”. Conversely, the layers of thought behind “Yet still my heart will try to form the brightest supernova” were much appreciated. Supernovas exist at the end of a star’s lifetime, and that context makes the line much more impactful. I also really really liked how you incorporated multiple meanings of “at/in the first place” throughout the song – going from a yearning for success to a realization of why you started writing was a touching moment. In the second song, lines like “I shouldn’t be so blindly optimistic” feel much more conversational than I’m used to from you, but it makes them stand out. Whether you’re writing lyrics or Golden Hit challenges, there’s always a sense that there’s a character speaking, but a lot of the lines here feel more personal. Even though it’s a song about things not yet attained, there’s a real earnestness that’s palpable and compelling. Throughout both songs, there’s a feeling that success isn’t linear, which it often isn’t in the real world. This life and this game are full of ups and downs, victories and failures, so in both senses, I hope you win your second wind! 1 2
GentleDance Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 17 minutes ago, Jackson said: @GentleDance – Carbon Despite not choosing Joe’s challenge, while the song doesn’t deal with any near-death experiences, it feels like a JoeAG song in a lot of ways to me. The language is elevated, the imagery is unique and precise, and the technical songwriting is solid, but the word choice sometimes feels contrived and there’s points where I’m not sure quite sure what you’re saying. “It was rehearsed till it didn’t” felt uncharacteristically unpolished compared to the rest of the song. You mention that the song is from the POV of a higher life form discussing life on Earth, but I wouldn’t have guessed that if you hadn’t explicitly told me outside the song. While I like the poetry of “lightning strikes to adenine stripes/carbon assembles and talks”, describing the evolution of life and the way it interacts with the Earth and other life forms, I’m not sure what telephobia has to do with anything per your intended meaning. However, if I were to interpret the lyrics myself, I could see the entire song being about telephobia. “behind wires, wires, wires of copper… they made a whole circuit to spite him” could be about reluctance to make connection over the phone, as could “think, think think/there’s nothing to say” and “talk, talk talk/it doesn’t sound rehearsed”. From that perspective, I think the song is a clever way to break down a moment of social anxiety into its basic chemical and mechanical components. And even if unintentional, I like that I was able to glean an entirely different meaning from your lyrics. Thank you so much for the feedback It's indeed about social anxiety, fear of phone calls and the struggle of needing to keep up conversations, I'm glad I could get that through somehow, I tend to write very self-indulgent lyrics, I'm aware of that
poki Posted July 7, 2023 Posted July 7, 2023 This is my first almost-properly-structured chorus this season Back in 2018 I was so focused on making the chorus stand out but for round 1 and 2 here I was like "screw that, we only do verses now" Had some time constraints this week so couldn't spend too much time on this round, almost didn't send.
worldwide angel Posted July 8, 2023 Posted July 8, 2023 4 hours ago, Jackson said: StormPulse – Heart of the Ocean You state in your other information that this is a Titanic entry, so I’m guessing the narrator’s husband doesn’t survive the wreck when you say “sleep well my love, you shall not suffer the same” – but this is the only place in the song I see any allusion to death, and I don’t really see any references to the Titanic. I don’t think the latter is a problem, but it does make it a bit confusing to see one reference to death at the end without much other context. Lyrically, this is stellar. You didn’t go full science for this entry, but I actually think you struck a good balance of mentioning carbon, magma, and coal without it feeling contrived. Does it fit the challenge? That’s up for Legend E to decide, but I think there’s enough here for it to count. You took what is essentially a geology lesson in the second verse and made it pretty and poetic, so I commend you for that. The entire “But the diamonds they rocket…” verse is the standout of the song for me – that entire section is beautifully written and full of evocative imagery. Compared to last week, this wasn’t quite as emotionally resonant for me, and the narrative could have been more clear, but this is a beautiful, strong entry nonetheless. @XO_Life – Burn Per your additional information, let this sentence serve as a trigger warning for anyone reading – although I don’t intend to quote the more graphic lyrics. As you mention, this is a very sensitive topic, and one that should be handled delicately, especially given the inspiration you cite. I’m not personally offended by this, but I could definitely see this crossing the line for some people, especially those with personal ties to the subject matter. I think the approach you took to avoid a more poetic style and metaphors worked to display the sensitive subject matter. There were still some poetic moments, specifically in the chorus and third verse. “Flesh melting off” normally would be too abrasive for lyrical writing, but I think it matched the tone of the song here. I liked how you censored yourself a bit at the end of each verse, trailing off before going back to the “I hope you burn” refrain. This helps immerse the reader into the psyche of the narrator, and shows there’s a lot more to the story than what you wrote. I think there are ways you could have conveyed the same brutal, raw message without writing some of the more graphic lines, but it’s a choice you ultimately made that still worked to an extent. In terms of writing something memorable and risky, you definitely achieved your goal. @Hug – norepinephrinendorphins When I first read norepinephrine, I read it as though you were personifying fear itself rather than speaking to an abuser, and I think I like that perspective more. Thinking of “I moved to his whims/I danced to his mood swings” metaphorically helps cement the image of norepinephrine driving the person’s actions and emotions, and from that perspective I thought this was a really unique take on the challenge. Although you mention you intended for there to be an actual abuser, I’m going to take my creative license as a listener and pretend you wrote it my way on purpose, especially since you don’t actually define who the abuser is. “As if my only escape would be by my captor/once he went too far, I’d be happy ever after” is one of my favorite couplets of the season so far – you absolutely scalped me with that one. You switching to endorphins abruptly halfway through gave me major “Know Better/Forever Boy”, where you totally change stories and moods halfway with absolutely no intent to continue the original song. Where I hate Ariana for it, I liked the juxtaposition of hell/heaven and the different chemicals taking hold of the narrators. I really liked “sensations not emotions” to drive home the chemical aspect of the song. “We both know the focus/friendship with a bonus” was a totally cheesy pop couplet that I could have done without, but it does drive home the FWB vibe so I’ll allow it. I think norepinephrine was the stronger song of the two, but both are solid. Had you written endorphins like I falsely imagined norepinephrine, written to the chemical itself, you could have made the entry stand out even more and pushed it to a slightly more memorable place. As it is, this is a great song, though – you’re having another stellar season. @Julianna Calm Down – LEXAPRO This was a very ambitious entry. In addition to tackling two challenges, which I think you did well, there was a lot of storytelling in this song – yet you kept everything poetic and chaotic, but also very personal. The small details in the lyrics, like “flamingo skies” and “you broke your ankle on cobbled streets” helped build the narrative while also helping the lyrics feel very personal and emotional. There were a few details that felt out of place or unnecessary. “Now I keep you in a bell jar” was an odd image for me, as I wouldn’t normally imagine a deceased person existing in a clear vessel. “Wildfire symphony”, while poetic and descriptive, didn’t quite fit the image of fear for me. This whole verse was perhaps a bit too verbose for me to imagine it as a song. Despite this, I think this was your best song so far this season. I really liked both of your choruses, especially “you will rest in the soil/breathing only for yourself” in the second part. I can see you’ve taken a lot of the advice from the judges/mentor in previous rounds, I think it hugely paid off here. Although this was an ambitious entry, it never felt forced or confusing. This felt like an actual dialogue between you and the deceased person, strengthened by mentions of “I’m on Lexapro now” and “Why didn’t you ask me before leaving?” that brought me as a reader directly into the story. I’m happy to see you taking risks and succeeding, and it’s been fun to watch your growth these past few weeks! @OreGuy – Tensile Tungsten Ways I have to commend your commitment to the theme – rather than just mentioning a chemical somewhere in your song, you went full elemental with your lyrics and metaphors. For the most part, I really liked your tungsten metaphors. “Strong enough to not feel pressured at all/Supposed to be the hard one/But your flames melt me in unfamiliar forms” was poetic and effective. “I was rare/’Til you came” was also poppy and catchy, and “In my tensile tungsten ways” was a memorable tongue twister that helped the titular line stand out. “I’m better/than anyone who’s been on this table” wasn’t quite as effective to me, as “table” doesn’t really make sense outside of the period table reference, where your other metaphors could be taken multiple ways. You could take it as a sexual reference, but I this man must really love kitchen sex for that line to make sense. The bridge was also way too wordy, and didn’t really fit the vibe of the rest of the song, although “I can **** you up good and your ***** on the side” made me scream. Overall, this was a fun, campy entry, and a joy to read. The amount of fun you’re having writing these entries is evident from the lyrics, and it genuinely makes them incredibly enjoyable. @worldwide angel – Ascension On Earth This is my favorite song from you this season, and perhaps one of my favorites I’ve read from you overall. First, let me get my minor criticisms out of the way, though. I’m not entirely sure who the “you” in this song is – it seems like it’s mostly a song about alternating between reality and some medically induced dreamy near-death purgatory, so I’m not sure what other character would be transcending these realms with the narrator. “Wave my tentacles up and right, all night” didn’t entirely make sense to me either. I imagine the “tentacles” reflect some sort of overlap between these domains, or perhaps the strangeness of life, but it’s a bit of an odd image. I really liked your description of this near-death domain, especially when you describe the nothing-something nature of emptiness. I think it would have been interesting to follow the “so ‘nothing’, nothing doesn’t exist” couplet with some idea of the “nothing” you’re staring into before being pulled back. The image of drifting with no limbs no head, venturing into a world that exists but doesn’t was very compelling. I love the way you describe eyelids clapping and rooms filling with ink, as it reinforces the otherworldly way the events of the song unfold, even in the normal world. “The bright bowl of honey glows” was another standout line. A lot of your songs seemingly exist in this bright, celestial world, but I loved the added narrative present in this one. @Kylie Jenner – Farmer, Farmer While I’ve loved the cinematic universe of your first two songs, I’m glad to see some new characters making an appearance this week. This feels very country, not just due to the farm setting, but also the phrasing of lines like “farmer’s got the gun” and “God, I’m sorry”. As a Midwest resident, I appreciate the cornfield setting too. I spent a few minutes trying to search for a deeper meaning before realizing often bored small town people like to just break the rules and run through cornfields – the risk is part of the fun! This was a great mix of commercial yet descriptive writing. “Lost in a maze of maize” was super memorable and helped establish the setting of the song, and “my body makes friends with the mud” was a really creative way to describe being shot down. I’m glad you took the time to create interesting ways to say things, because it made the song SO much more enjoyable to read. The added wolf and sheep metaphor added another dimension that I appreciated. My only minor gripe was with the ending “by the skin of my teeth” was oddly pedestrian compared to the elevated imagery throughout the rest of the song, and “I make it out alive” was anticlimactic after the drama present elsewhere. I think you could have added a few extra lines to resolve the narrative more completely – still, great job. You’re having an excellent run this season and it’s showing no sign of slowing down. @GentleDance – Carbon Despite not choosing Joe’s challenge, while the song doesn’t deal with any near-death experiences, it feels like a JoeAG song in a lot of ways to me. The language is elevated, the imagery is unique and precise, and the technical songwriting is solid, but the word choice sometimes feels contrived and there’s points where I’m not sure quite sure what you’re saying. “It was rehearsed till it didn’t” felt uncharacteristically unpolished compared to the rest of the song. You mention that the song is from the POV of a higher life form discussing life on Earth, but I wouldn’t have guessed that if you hadn’t explicitly told me outside the song. While I like the poetry of “lightning strikes to adenine stripes/carbon assembles and talks”, describing the evolution of life and the way it interacts with the Earth and other life forms, I’m not sure what telephobia has to do with anything per your intended meaning. However, if I were to interpret the lyrics myself, I could see the entire song being about telephobia. “behind wires, wires, wires of copper… they made a whole circuit to spite him” could be about reluctance to make connection over the phone, as could “think, think think/there’s nothing to say” and “talk, talk talk/it doesn’t sound rehearsed”. From that perspective, I think the song is a clever way to break down a moment of social anxiety into its basic chemical and mechanical components. And even if unintentional, I like that I was able to glean an entirely different meaning from your lyrics. @PoKiTaurus – Clive Vibes / Demon Talk Thematically, this feels like it’s in the same vein as last week’s entry, but I like the execution of this more. I appreciated you using “The Last Wish” instead of writing “Puss in Boots 2” in your lyrics . I see that media has had a huge impact on your self image, and it’s interesting to see that come to life through your lyrics. I appreciate the rawness of the lyrics, as they feel almost like a diary entry. Still, I’d love to see you try using your inspiration more metaphorically in future rounds – not that you’ve done anything wrong, but I think it would help build your skills to try writing in a more abstract way for a round. There were times when lines said quite plainly, like “no more do I feel like I have to run or hide”, or in a cliché way, like “because who wants to be with a monster that has no soul?”, could have benefited from either more interesting phrasing or more poetic, metaphorical execution. “It’s easy to get rid of the stains on your rubber boots” and “perhaps ‘bridging the gap’ can have a different definition” are examples of lines where you did this well. While I am a fan of this as-is, I’d love to see you continue to take risks to make your writing stand out even more. @Aurora – First Place • Second Wind Jesus, the dissertation of commentary you have for this - and for the last song I have to judge, too? I did actually read the entire commentary section, and as someone I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for the past nine years, know I’m rooting for you personally and professionally! Knowing that I personally was a high school junior when I started playing these games and am now 3 years out of grad school, it’s insane to think about how much life occurs outside the confines of this game’s bubble. Writing your first song from the perspective of a PH/SOTS/GH player was a unique angle, and I’m sure you sprinkled in lots of bits of your personal life in there as well beyond what you shared in your commentary novel. There were some word choices in your first song that I normally would have called out, but because they were specifically requested in Joe’s challenge, I can’t fault you for them – but at the same time, knowing your writing, I know a lot of them would have been present regardless of the challenge. Overall, I found your second song to be more emotionally resonant, and I’m glad you gave yourself the constraint of writing it in under 24 hours, because I think it added a lot of personality and poignancy. I often write in a similar fashion to you, overthinking every line, making sure each word is purposeful and impactful. In the end it creates a product that contains a lot of love and care, but can also come across as “prioritizing style over substance”. For such a detail oriented writer, it’s often actually harder to write without overanalyzing every word choice, but I think it’s an important thing to play with. In your first song, there were a lot of lines that I thought were pretty, but ultimately won’t stick with me, such as “Invalidated by their condemnation boldly spoken”. Conversely, the layers of thought behind “Yet still my heart will try to form the brightest supernova” were much appreciated. Supernovas exist at the end of a star’s lifetime, and that context makes the line much more impactful. I also really really liked how you incorporated multiple meanings of “at/in the first place” throughout the song – going from a yearning for success to a realization of why you started writing was a touching moment. In the second song, lines like “I shouldn’t be so blindly optimistic” feel much more conversational than I’m used to from you, but it makes them stand out. Whether you’re writing lyrics or Golden Hit challenges, there’s always a sense that there’s a character speaking, but a lot of the lines here feel more personal. Even though it’s a song about things not yet attained, there’s a real earnestness that’s palpable and compelling. Throughout both songs, there’s a feeling that success isn’t linear, which it often isn’t in the real world. This life and this game are full of ups and downs, victories and failures, so in both senses, I hope you win your second wind! thank you so much the tentacle lines were making a comparison between a squid and being hooked up to IV tubes in a hospital. when squids are scared, they release ink so i wanted to use the imagery of the squid to convey fear
fountain Posted July 8, 2023 Author Posted July 8, 2023 (edited) The songs of Round 3, the Judge’s Choice challenge: StormPulse - Heart of the Ocean (Chemistry) XO_Life - Burn (Near Death Experience) Hug - norepinephrinendorphins (Split Song, Near Death Experience, Chemistry) Julianna Calm Down - LEXAPRO (Split Song, Chemistry) OreGuy - Tensile Tungsten Ways (Chemistry) worldwide angel - Ascension On Earth (Split Song, Near Death Experience) Kylie Jenner - Farmer, Farmer (Near Death Experience) GentleDance - Carbon (Chemistry) PoKiTaurus - Clive Vibes / Demon Talk (Split Song) Aurora - First Place • Second Wind (Split Song, Near Death Experience, Chemistry) *bonus song*, fountain - The Most Unison Choir (Split Song, Near Death Experience, Chemistry) Split Songs: 6 Near Death Experience Songs: 6 Chemistry Songs: 7 Edited July 8, 2023 by fountain
fountain Posted July 8, 2023 Author Posted July 8, 2023 I ended up deciding to write and submit a slightly absurd song trying to incorporate each of the judge’s challenges this week and see what they think my song won’t be included in the results for the round in fairness due to my involvement in the season, but since this is the only challenge I had no involvement in planning prior I wanted to play along and give it a shot. Tried getting creative with it, I’m in my A24 horror movie bag with this one, if anybody wants to read it: Spoiler The Most Unison Choir “Unbelievable”, that’s what you called it “Inconceivable; there’s no way this happened” The most unison choir ever heard With their pain and the torture shared -All but one- How could it be, and even if so Why would you be left, and where did we all go? The most unison choir ever heard Basked in flames, and our experience shared -All but you- But that’s how it happened, though you ask us too, We have no answer, only know it true So you stood alone, the last inhabitant of the world Who goes unnoticed, when our God reaped our souls It was rhapsodic, sordid and true Don’t you wish you were a part of it too? Seeing the shared agony in each face The end of the world, what a beautiful place Until we returned, greatly anew Oh, we wish you’d been there, beside us in pew To be picked divinely, and to have shared that space Despite our suffer, but, how sweet to be in God’s grace -Though not you- And to reoccur, we devote ourselves and pray That the same phenomenon may repeat one day And we ask, rightly, that you will come as well Where you could join us, in glory, with a visit to hell -Be with God- It was rhapsodic, sordid and true Don’t you wish you were a part of it too? Seeing the shared agony in each face The end of the world, what a beautiful place Let us hear from you, Last remaining son, Tell us how you’ll proceed, To be as us, one //// Unbelievable, but seemingly true The whole world once taken, out of the blue Inconceivable, to be so disgraced As the last one, waiting to be called to that place If it ever comes, if I’m even worth it If I’m not forgotten, if I am to see it The very thing that they all speak of Deliverance, by the hand of God I take them in their offer of prayer That one day I, might be amongst them there But more so to bend, in the presence of creator To show that I, too, am not a lost abdicator Next time, take me with you I will confess every sin, Whether facetious or true Take me with you It’s what a good God would do How could you miss one, out of all Seems too cruel to be true So take me with you I swear that I’m worthy too My pain is just the same, My screams as noble and true, Take me with you, Why won’t you take me too? Through every plea, And each knee bruising prayer Still on, the silence Sees no break or tear And in desperation, The communion I seek Must take a new form, If I am deemed unique I’ll show my devotion, In my own way Take this in my hands, Believe it is God’s plan “Unbelievable”, that’s what I called it Inconceivable; how could it have happened? But as kerosene and gasoline mix in colours dreamlike And the sulfur of my match meets oxygen with a strike For a moment I start to believe, Yes; in that moment, I finally see, The way that it must have been then, for you As my world goes up in holy, fiery hue I look up and rejoice, and raise my voice through fracture When at last, I join the choir in perfect, gilded rapture (And I burn, and I burn, and I burn off societal pressure I burn, and I burn, and I burn with smouldering expectations And I burn, and I burn, and I burn through atonement and confession I burn, and I burn, and I burn, and I am joined in congression… I burn, I burn, I burn, and I am judged with no discretion) 2 2
TruGemini Posted July 8, 2023 Posted July 8, 2023 One, I came so damn close to scraping something up for this round Secondly, I love this challenge. Lastly, I love the way everyone interpreted this challenge and am living for each song that gets posted! 1
Kylie Jenner Posted July 8, 2023 Posted July 8, 2023 Thanks for the comments! I grew up in the countryside and when I was little I remember seeing signs that said trespassers will be shot they were scary to me so I was inspired by that
Galah Posted July 8, 2023 Posted July 8, 2023 11 hours ago, Jackson said: @Aurora – First Place • Second Wind Jesus, the dissertation of commentary you have for this - and for the last song I have to judge, too? I did actually read the entire commentary section, and as someone I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for the past nine years, know I’m rooting for you personally and professionally! Knowing that I personally was a high school junior when I started playing these games and am now 3 years out of grad school, it’s insane to think about how much life occurs outside the confines of this game’s bubble. Writing your first song from the perspective of a PH/SOTS/GH player was a unique angle, and I’m sure you sprinkled in lots of bits of your personal life in there as well beyond what you shared in your commentary novel. There were some word choices in your first song that I normally would have called out, but because they were specifically requested in Joe’s challenge, I can’t fault you for them – but at the same time, knowing your writing, I know a lot of them would have been present regardless of the challenge. Overall, I found your second song to be more emotionally resonant, and I’m glad you gave yourself the constraint of writing it in under 24 hours, because I think it added a lot of personality and poignancy. I often write in a similar fashion to you, overthinking every line, making sure each word is purposeful and impactful. In the end it creates a product that contains a lot of love and care, but can also come across as “prioritizing style over substance”. For such a detail oriented writer, it’s often actually harder to write without overanalyzing every word choice, but I think it’s an important thing to play with. In your first song, there were a lot of lines that I thought were pretty, but ultimately won’t stick with me, such as “Invalidated by their condemnation boldly spoken”. Conversely, the layers of thought behind “Yet still my heart will try to form the brightest supernova” were much appreciated. Supernovas exist at the end of a star’s lifetime, and that context makes the line much more impactful. I also really really liked how you incorporated multiple meanings of “at/in the first place” throughout the song – going from a yearning for success to a realization of why you started writing was a touching moment. In the second song, lines like “I shouldn’t be so blindly optimistic” feel much more conversational than I’m used to from you, but it makes them stand out. Whether you’re writing lyrics or Golden Hit challenges, there’s always a sense that there’s a character speaking, but a lot of the lines here feel more personal. Even though it’s a song about things not yet attained, there’s a real earnestness that’s palpable and compelling. Throughout both songs, there’s a feeling that success isn’t linear, which it often isn’t in the real world. This life and this game are full of ups and downs, victories and failures, so in both senses, I hope you win your second wind! Now that I'm home from work and have had time to properly read, appreciate, and fully dissect this review—thank you so much, Jackson. It's definitely strange to think how our—and many others'—paths have crossed due to these writing tournaments, when they likely would never have otherwise. But even still, while most people only present the best versions of themselves or a caricature to others online, this outlet has let me know so much about others on a deeply personal level—yourself included—and I'm forever grateful for that, and can only hope I've done the same both here and over the many years we've known and been writing alongside one another. I definitely see the entire "First Place • Second Wind" piece as one of my most personal (and not in the pop girl'd "my most personal album <3" way that ends up being phoned in garbage) but in a genuine, "this could technically be classified as a Horcrux because I think I put a fragment of my soul in it" kind of way. Even "Second Wind" (which was deliberately written to be more accessible/general empowerment-y) is basically me living vicariously through this Aurora main pop girl character that I've created. I find it interesting but ultimately unsurprising that this was seemingly your favourite of the two parts, as I knew a lot of "First Place" teetered into the "too specific and personal to me to truly resonate" category, but that was what I wanted for that piece and ultimately I'd be doing myself a disservice if I didn't have it exactly as I currently do. It's the kind of thing megastars can get away with because their lives are such a public spectacle, but alas. I'm not really sure what the magnitude of your criticism regarding certain lyrics not sticking with you is to you personally (for example, in my experience judging these games I'm sure I've read plenty of lyrics I considered standouts at the time which haven't stuck with me simply due to the sheer volume of content you read as a judge in these games, but perhaps for you it's different?) but I also completely understand and respect what you mean. That lyric in particular was a direct reference to being falsely called out for prioritising style over substance, which fortunately isn't the style of critiques that we see in Golden Hit—but in and of itself it's not going to be a lyric that makes your jaw drop, although if every lyric in a song is an absolute standout... are any of them? Thanks again, and on the whole this seems like a pretty positive review so I'm glad you enjoyed it almost as much as I did writing and completing it.
Galah Posted July 8, 2023 Posted July 8, 2023 2 hours ago, fountain said: I ended up deciding to write and submit a slightly absurd song trying to incorporate each of the judge’s challenges this week and see what they think my song won’t be included in the results for the round in fairness due to my involvement in the season, but since this is the only challenge I had no involvement in planning prior I wanted to play along and give it a shot. Tried getting creative with it, I’m in my A24 horror movie bag with this one, if anybody wants to read it: Hide contents The Most Unison Choir “Unbelievable”, that’s what you called it “Inconceivable; there’s no way this happened” The most unison choir ever heard With their pain and the torture shared -All but one- How could it be, and even if so Why would you be left, and where did we all go? The most unison choir ever heard Basked in flames, and our experience shared -All but you- But that’s how it happened, though you ask us too, We have no answer, only know it true So you stood alone, the last inhabitant of the world Who goes unnoticed, when our God reaped our souls It was rhapsodic, sordid and true Don’t you wish you were a part of it too? Seeing the shared agony in each face The end of the world, what a beautiful place Until we returned, greatly anew Oh, we wish you’d been there, beside us in pew To be picked divinely, and to have shared that space Despite our suffer, but, how sweet to be in God’s grace -Though not you- And to reoccur, we devote ourselves and pray That the same phenomenon may repeat one day And we ask, rightly, that you will come as well Where you could join us, in glory, with a visit to hell -Be with God- It was rhapsodic, sordid and true Don’t you wish you were a part of it too? Seeing the shared agony in each face The end of the world, what a beautiful place Let us hear from you, Last remaining son, Tell us how you’ll proceed, To be as us, one //// Unbelievable, but seemingly true The whole world once taken, out of the blue Inconceivable, to be so disgraced As the last one, waiting to be called to that place If it ever comes, if I’m even worth it If I’m not forgotten, if I am to see it The very thing that they all speak of Deliverance, by the hand of God I take them in their offer of prayer That one day I, might be amongst them there But more so to bend, in the presence of creator To show that I, too, am not a lost abdicator Next time, take me with you I will confess every sin, Whether facetious or true Take me with you It’s what a good God would do How could you miss one, out of all Seems too cruel to be true So take me with you I swear that I’m worthy too My pain is just the same, My screams as noble and true, Take me with you, Why won’t you take me too? Through every plea, And each knee bruising prayer Still on, the silence Sees no break or tear And in desperation, The communion I seek Must take a new form, If I am deemed unique I’ll show my devotion, In my own way Take this in my hands, Believe it is God’s plan “Unbelievable”, that’s what I called it Inconceivable; how could it have happened? But as kerosene and gasoline mix in colours dreamlike And the sulfur of my match meets oxygen with a strike For a moment I start to believe, Yes; in that moment, I finally see, The way that it must have been then, for you As my world goes up in holy, fiery hue I look up and rejoice, and raise my voice through fracture When at last, I join the choir in perfect, gilded rapture (And I burn, and I burn, and I burn off societal pressure I burn, and I burn, and I burn with smouldering expectations And I burn, and I burn, and I burn through atonement and confession I burn, and I burn, and I burn, and I am joined in congression… I burn, I burn, I burn, and I am judged with no discretion) The way we both wrote about matches and flames prior to the revelation of "Better Than Revenge (Taylor's Version)" changed lyrics leaked, our premonition era. This was such an experience though, I was hoping your second part was going to be from the perspective of the one left behind and you came through, whew. Also, RE: the bolded, generous king. Would have snatched the season's first perfect 10, I fear. 1
Julianna Calm Down Posted July 8, 2023 Posted July 8, 2023 11 hours ago, Jackson said: StormPulse – Heart of the Ocean You state in your other information that this is a Titanic entry, so I’m guessing the narrator’s husband doesn’t survive the wreck when you say “sleep well my love, you shall not suffer the same” – but this is the only place in the song I see any allusion to death, and I don’t really see any references to the Titanic. I don’t think the latter is a problem, but it does make it a bit confusing to see one reference to death at the end without much other context. Lyrically, this is stellar. You didn’t go full science for this entry, but I actually think you struck a good balance of mentioning carbon, magma, and coal without it feeling contrived. Does it fit the challenge? That’s up for Legend E to decide, but I think there’s enough here for it to count. You took what is essentially a geology lesson in the second verse and made it pretty and poetic, so I commend you for that. The entire “But the diamonds they rocket…” verse is the standout of the song for me – that entire section is beautifully written and full of evocative imagery. Compared to last week, this wasn’t quite as emotionally resonant for me, and the narrative could have been more clear, but this is a beautiful, strong entry nonetheless. @XO_Life – Burn Per your additional information, let this sentence serve as a trigger warning for anyone reading – although I don’t intend to quote the more graphic lyrics. As you mention, this is a very sensitive topic, and one that should be handled delicately, especially given the inspiration you cite. I’m not personally offended by this, but I could definitely see this crossing the line for some people, especially those with personal ties to the subject matter. I think the approach you took to avoid a more poetic style and metaphors worked to display the sensitive subject matter. There were still some poetic moments, specifically in the chorus and third verse. “Flesh melting off” normally would be too abrasive for lyrical writing, but I think it matched the tone of the song here. I liked how you censored yourself a bit at the end of each verse, trailing off before going back to the “I hope you burn” refrain. This helps immerse the reader into the psyche of the narrator, and shows there’s a lot more to the story than what you wrote. I think there are ways you could have conveyed the same brutal, raw message without writing some of the more graphic lines, but it’s a choice you ultimately made that still worked to an extent. In terms of writing something memorable and risky, you definitely achieved your goal. @Hug – norepinephrinendorphins When I first read norepinephrine, I read it as though you were personifying fear itself rather than speaking to an abuser, and I think I like that perspective more. Thinking of “I moved to his whims/I danced to his mood swings” metaphorically helps cement the image of norepinephrine driving the person’s actions and emotions, and from that perspective I thought this was a really unique take on the challenge. Although you mention you intended for there to be an actual abuser, I’m going to take my creative license as a listener and pretend you wrote it my way on purpose, especially since you don’t actually define who the abuser is. “As if my only escape would be by my captor/once he went too far, I’d be happy ever after” is one of my favorite couplets of the season so far – you absolutely scalped me with that one. You switching to endorphins abruptly halfway through gave me major “Know Better/Forever Boy”, where you totally change stories and moods halfway with absolutely no intent to continue the original song. Where I hate Ariana for it, I liked the juxtaposition of hell/heaven and the different chemicals taking hold of the narrators. I really liked “sensations not emotions” to drive home the chemical aspect of the song. “We both know the focus/friendship with a bonus” was a totally cheesy pop couplet that I could have done without, but it does drive home the FWB vibe so I’ll allow it. I think norepinephrine was the stronger song of the two, but both are solid. Had you written endorphins like I falsely imagined norepinephrine, written to the chemical itself, you could have made the entry stand out even more and pushed it to a slightly more memorable place. As it is, this is a great song, though – you’re having another stellar season. @Julianna Calm Down – LEXAPRO This was a very ambitious entry. In addition to tackling two challenges, which I think you did well, there was a lot of storytelling in this song – yet you kept everything poetic and chaotic, but also very personal. The small details in the lyrics, like “flamingo skies” and “you broke your ankle on cobbled streets” helped build the narrative while also helping the lyrics feel very personal and emotional. There were a few details that felt out of place or unnecessary. “Now I keep you in a bell jar” was an odd image for me, as I wouldn’t normally imagine a deceased person existing in a clear vessel. “Wildfire symphony”, while poetic and descriptive, didn’t quite fit the image of fear for me. This whole verse was perhaps a bit too verbose for me to imagine it as a song. Despite this, I think this was your best song so far this season. I really liked both of your choruses, especially “you will rest in the soil/breathing only for yourself” in the second part. I can see you’ve taken a lot of the advice from the judges/mentor in previous rounds, I think it hugely paid off here. Although this was an ambitious entry, it never felt forced or confusing. This felt like an actual dialogue between you and the deceased person, strengthened by mentions of “I’m on Lexapro now” and “Why didn’t you ask me before leaving?” that brought me as a reader directly into the story. I’m happy to see you taking risks and succeeding, and it’s been fun to watch your growth these past few weeks! @OreGuy – Tensile Tungsten Ways I have to commend your commitment to the theme – rather than just mentioning a chemical somewhere in your song, you went full elemental with your lyrics and metaphors. For the most part, I really liked your tungsten metaphors. “Strong enough to not feel pressured at all/Supposed to be the hard one/But your flames melt me in unfamiliar forms” was poetic and effective. “I was rare/’Til you came” was also poppy and catchy, and “In my tensile tungsten ways” was a memorable tongue twister that helped the titular line stand out. “I’m better/than anyone who’s been on this table” wasn’t quite as effective to me, as “table” doesn’t really make sense outside of the period table reference, where your other metaphors could be taken multiple ways. You could take it as a sexual reference, but I this man must really love kitchen sex for that line to make sense. The bridge was also way too wordy, and didn’t really fit the vibe of the rest of the song, although “I can **** you up good and your ***** on the side” made me scream. Overall, this was a fun, campy entry, and a joy to read. The amount of fun you’re having writing these entries is evident from the lyrics, and it genuinely makes them incredibly enjoyable. @worldwide angel – Ascension On Earth This is my favorite song from you this season, and perhaps one of my favorites I’ve read from you overall. First, let me get my minor criticisms out of the way, though. I’m not entirely sure who the “you” in this song is – it seems like it’s mostly a song about alternating between reality and some medically induced dreamy near-death purgatory, so I’m not sure what other character would be transcending these realms with the narrator. “Wave my tentacles up and right, all night” didn’t entirely make sense to me either. I imagine the “tentacles” reflect some sort of overlap between these domains, or perhaps the strangeness of life, but it’s a bit of an odd image. I really liked your description of this near-death domain, especially when you describe the nothing-something nature of emptiness. I think it would have been interesting to follow the “so ‘nothing’, nothing doesn’t exist” couplet with some idea of the “nothing” you’re staring into before being pulled back. The image of drifting with no limbs no head, venturing into a world that exists but doesn’t was very compelling. I love the way you describe eyelids clapping and rooms filling with ink, as it reinforces the otherworldly way the events of the song unfold, even in the normal world. “The bright bowl of honey glows” was another standout line. A lot of your songs seemingly exist in this bright, celestial world, but I loved the added narrative present in this one. @Kylie Jenner – Farmer, Farmer While I’ve loved the cinematic universe of your first two songs, I’m glad to see some new characters making an appearance this week. This feels very country, not just due to the farm setting, but also the phrasing of lines like “farmer’s got the gun” and “God, I’m sorry”. As a Midwest resident, I appreciate the cornfield setting too. I spent a few minutes trying to search for a deeper meaning before realizing often bored small town people like to just break the rules and run through cornfields – the risk is part of the fun! This was a great mix of commercial yet descriptive writing. “Lost in a maze of maize” was super memorable and helped establish the setting of the song, and “my body makes friends with the mud” was a really creative way to describe being shot down. I’m glad you took the time to create interesting ways to say things, because it made the song SO much more enjoyable to read. The added wolf and sheep metaphor added another dimension that I appreciated. My only minor gripe was with the ending “by the skin of my teeth” was oddly pedestrian compared to the elevated imagery throughout the rest of the song, and “I make it out alive” was anticlimactic after the drama present elsewhere. I think you could have added a few extra lines to resolve the narrative more completely – still, great job. You’re having an excellent run this season and it’s showing no sign of slowing down. @GentleDance – Carbon Despite not choosing Joe’s challenge, while the song doesn’t deal with any near-death experiences, it feels like a JoeAG song in a lot of ways to me. The language is elevated, the imagery is unique and precise, and the technical songwriting is solid, but the word choice sometimes feels contrived and there’s points where I’m not sure quite sure what you’re saying. “It was rehearsed till it didn’t” felt uncharacteristically unpolished compared to the rest of the song. You mention that the song is from the POV of a higher life form discussing life on Earth, but I wouldn’t have guessed that if you hadn’t explicitly told me outside the song. While I like the poetry of “lightning strikes to adenine stripes/carbon assembles and talks”, describing the evolution of life and the way it interacts with the Earth and other life forms, I’m not sure what telephobia has to do with anything per your intended meaning. However, if I were to interpret the lyrics myself, I could see the entire song being about telephobia. “behind wires, wires, wires of copper… they made a whole circuit to spite him” could be about reluctance to make connection over the phone, as could “think, think think/there’s nothing to say” and “talk, talk talk/it doesn’t sound rehearsed”. From that perspective, I think the song is a clever way to break down a moment of social anxiety into its basic chemical and mechanical components. And even if unintentional, I like that I was able to glean an entirely different meaning from your lyrics. @PoKiTaurus – Clive Vibes / Demon Talk Thematically, this feels like it’s in the same vein as last week’s entry, but I like the execution of this more. I appreciated you using “The Last Wish” instead of writing “Puss in Boots 2” in your lyrics . I see that media has had a huge impact on your self image, and it’s interesting to see that come to life through your lyrics. I appreciate the rawness of the lyrics, as they feel almost like a diary entry. Still, I’d love to see you try using your inspiration more metaphorically in future rounds – not that you’ve done anything wrong, but I think it would help build your skills to try writing in a more abstract way for a round. There were times when lines said quite plainly, like “no more do I feel like I have to run or hide”, or in a cliché way, like “because who wants to be with a monster that has no soul?”, could have benefited from either more interesting phrasing or more poetic, metaphorical execution. “It’s easy to get rid of the stains on your rubber boots” and “perhaps ‘bridging the gap’ can have a different definition” are examples of lines where you did this well. While I am a fan of this as-is, I’d love to see you continue to take risks to make your writing stand out even more. @Aurora – First Place • Second Wind Jesus, the dissertation of commentary you have for this - and for the last song I have to judge, too? I did actually read the entire commentary section, and as someone I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for the past nine years, know I’m rooting for you personally and professionally! Knowing that I personally was a high school junior when I started playing these games and am now 3 years out of grad school, it’s insane to think about how much life occurs outside the confines of this game’s bubble. Writing your first song from the perspective of a PH/SOTS/GH player was a unique angle, and I’m sure you sprinkled in lots of bits of your personal life in there as well beyond what you shared in your commentary novel. There were some word choices in your first song that I normally would have called out, but because they were specifically requested in Joe’s challenge, I can’t fault you for them – but at the same time, knowing your writing, I know a lot of them would have been present regardless of the challenge. Overall, I found your second song to be more emotionally resonant, and I’m glad you gave yourself the constraint of writing it in under 24 hours, because I think it added a lot of personality and poignancy. I often write in a similar fashion to you, overthinking every line, making sure each word is purposeful and impactful. In the end it creates a product that contains a lot of love and care, but can also come across as “prioritizing style over substance”. For such a detail oriented writer, it’s often actually harder to write without overanalyzing every word choice, but I think it’s an important thing to play with. In your first song, there were a lot of lines that I thought were pretty, but ultimately won’t stick with me, such as “Invalidated by their condemnation boldly spoken”. Conversely, the layers of thought behind “Yet still my heart will try to form the brightest supernova” were much appreciated. Supernovas exist at the end of a star’s lifetime, and that context makes the line much more impactful. I also really really liked how you incorporated multiple meanings of “at/in the first place” throughout the song – going from a yearning for success to a realization of why you started writing was a touching moment. In the second song, lines like “I shouldn’t be so blindly optimistic” feel much more conversational than I’m used to from you, but it makes them stand out. Whether you’re writing lyrics or Golden Hit challenges, there’s always a sense that there’s a character speaking, but a lot of the lines here feel more personal. Even though it’s a song about things not yet attained, there’s a real earnestness that’s palpable and compelling. Throughout both songs, there’s a feeling that success isn’t linear, which it often isn’t in the real world. This life and this game are full of ups and downs, victories and failures, so in both senses, I hope you win your second wind! thank you for your feedback @Jackson I appreciate the feedback entirely. the only thing is your comment about "wildfire symphony" - it's not meant to signify or symbolise fear. the lyric is: "The infatuation I had for you when your fears came true sang like a wildfire symphony" The lyric talks about how strong the infatuation was, rather than the fear. Just wanted to make that clear. 1
fountain Posted July 8, 2023 Author Posted July 8, 2023 1 hour ago, Aurora said: The way we both wrote about matches and flames prior to the revelation of "Better Than Revenge (Taylor's Version)" changed lyrics leaked, our premonition era. This was such an experience though, I was hoping your second part was going to be from the perspective of the one left behind and you came through, whew. Also, RE: the bolded, generous king. Would have snatched the season's first perfect 10, I fear. Why thank you, thank you 🥲 I fear you’d be wrong though Jackson has told me a hypothetical score, and well…
fountain Posted July 8, 2023 Author Posted July 8, 2023 Going to work on my feedback throughout the day, expect it later on If anybody wants to put their own judge/mentor hat on, feel free to dissect and drag my song in return Also, Round 4 today!
Jackson Posted July 8, 2023 Posted July 8, 2023 4 hours ago, Aurora said: I'm not really sure what the magnitude of your criticism regarding certain lyrics not sticking with you is to you personally (for example, in my experience judging these games I'm sure I've read plenty of lyrics I considered standouts at the time which haven't stuck with me simply due to the sheer volume of content you read as a judge in these games, but perhaps for you it's different?) but I also completely understand and respect what you mean. That lyric in particular was a direct reference to being falsely called out for prioritising style over substance, which fortunately isn't the style of critiques that we see in Golden Hit—but in and of itself it's not going to be a lyric that makes your jaw drop, although if every lyric in a song is an absolute standout... are any of them? to be clear, it wasn't necessarily a criticism as much as a comparison between my favorite and not-as-favorite parts of the song. unless i give something a perfect 10 i always try to point out something either to work on or something that wasn't as impactful to me, just because i feel like it isn't helpful to only praise a song 4 hours ago, Kylie Jenner said: Thanks for the comments! I grew up in the countryside and when I was little I remember seeing signs that said trespassers will be shot they were scary to me so I was inspired by that i had something similar growing up in colorado - there was a cow pasture near my high school that had a reputation for being run by the "jolly rancher" who would chase people down with his gun if they walked through his property
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