poki Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 Everyone's entries sound so good I actually like religious themes in lyrics, I feel like it helps add a Gothic medieval atmosphere, like this one: 1
Hug Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 9 hours ago, fountain said: @Hug - Heaven only exists in the dark Okay I tried to quote your while review but I couldn't figure it out on mobile so I'm just doing this. Thank you for reading my ramble after the entry, since it was important to me that what I submitted was good enough on its own. When you mentioned the religious imagery used to enhance the emotional aspect of the song rather than a crutch it was very validating to me, as to me it did feel necessary for what I was trying to say. Also the mention of it being beautiful meant a lot because I knew for a dark song it'd be easy to make it like creepy or depressing but I wanted to take the dark type and make something...well...beautiful out of it. That was my challenge I set for myself and seeing that made me feel successful! Thank you for your thoughts !! 1
XO_Life Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 @fountain thank you I actually felt weird writing about this. I think it is because, as you have said, we are mostly thought to be forgiving and graceful. But we all have a darker side that maybe is happy that a person who wronged us is suffering. 1
Hug Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 58 minutes ago, Jackson said: going to start judging now An hour later and we don't have 1,000 word essays on every entry submitted...
Jackson Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 6 minutes ago, Hug said: An hour later and we don't have 1,000 word essays on every entry submitted... I used to write like 10 reviews an hour, but since GH2 I do like maybe 3-4 an hour . So it will probably be a couple more hours at least, but I'm determined to have them all written today 2 1
fountain Posted June 24, 2023 Author Posted June 24, 2023 1 hour ago, Jackson said: I used to write like 10 reviews an hour, but since GH2 I do like maybe 3-4 an hour . So it will probably be a couple more hours at least, but I'm determined to have them all written today Judging in this game is definitely a different beast, there is a lot to consider and it can be more time consuming but ultimately I think it pays off and helps the game have that different feeling compared to other games. Since we’re dealing with things that people have created themselves and have put their time and effort into personally, it definitely has more impact. But it’s what makes this experience special and the judge’s input and perspective is really valuable Always appreciative of the judges dedication
fountain Posted June 24, 2023 Author Posted June 24, 2023 (edited) @Invisibility ahhhh you’re back online if you started working on a song and still wanted to submit there’s definitely time while the judging is still being worked on hope you are well! and that goes for anybody else who missed the deadline so far too Edited June 24, 2023 by fountain
Invisibility Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 I'll definitely try submitting today @fountain! I postponed working on my song (I only had the chorus already in my head) during the week and then my job has been actually hectic since Wednesday thanks for keeping in touch! 1
fountain Posted June 24, 2023 Author Posted June 24, 2023 4 minutes ago, Invisibility said: I'll definitely try submitting today @fountain! I postponed working on my song (I only had the chorus already in my head) during the week and then my job has been actually hectic since Wednesday thanks for keeping in touch! Understandable, well take it easy this weekend then! no problem legend
Jackson Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 Whew, the game is already off to a great start! Please note that I always try to include at least one highlight and one suggestion in all my reviews, so the amount of praise/criticism isn't always indicate of your score. If I dwell on one particulate lyric, I'm typically using it as an example of a point, and my score will reflect that. And as always, suggestions are just that - so feel free to ignore if you disagree, as I know I have in the past. With that, please let me know if you have any questions on your reviews! @worldwide angel – Grace I was hoping to see a fairy type entry, so I’m glad I got to read your entry first . Last year in S1 we did a pride challenge, so I love the direction you took considering the lack of a formal pride round. My favorite thing about this song is the way you took a fairly weight topic, addressing transphobia and fatphobia, and made it into a light pop song. I know light, slightly poppy songs with short syllables and line lengths are your “thing”, but as long as it’s pulled off well, I don’t mind sticking to a signature style (and it’s week one, so I can’t really complain – yet ). I loved the line “run to special places, create perfect spaces”, although it a bit TOO strongly reminiscent of Lorde’s Perfect Places. I also really loved the opening stanza – it perfectly set the tone of the song. There were a few lines that felt out place for lyrical writing, like “we’re cute and cuddly” and “honey we will rise/ with a million surprises/and a unique might”. Overall, a great first entry. I felt a lot of your personality here, and I can’t wait to see where this season takes you! @XO_Life – Is the…? Choosing my two favorite types… WHEW, a serve! I know I should keep my advice confined to this season, but I have to mention that I can see a lot of growth here from the first lyrics I saw from you a year ago. You’re definitely one of the more pop-leaning lyricists in the competition, but your chorus here is a great example of pop done well, without venturing into “generic” writing. Using questions in a chorus is a great way to change up the structure of a song and draw attention to it. Using the words “Is the thought of me beating you?” in the first line of the chorus is really provocative, but fits well with the tone of the song. My one piece of advice for future rounds would be to think of more interesting ways to describe a setting. When I read “black fire candles”, I was a bit confused whether you were referring to candles with black flames or black candles burning with a red flame. You also used the word “black” in the previous line, so it felt a bit repetitive. You could have avoided this altogether by saying something like “dim flames flicker”. There’s definitely a place for simple language, especially in a pop song, but I encourage you to think about strategic places you can incorporate world-building language to immerse the reader deeper in the lyrics. That aside, I really did love this song, and I’m excited to see more throughout the season. @GentleDance – DNA This was a really interesting type pairing to choose. I totally understand the normal and fairy typing, and I thought they were compelling types to pit against each other. I don’t get much “psychic” from this, but it’s unimportant when considering the other two. I loved your concept, and the execution was amazing as well. There’s a lot of standout lines here, but I really loved “Do I have a say in what I want to say?/Can do nothing about white and gray/Can do nothing about DNA” – it’s something I think about often, but the way you put it into poetry and made it sound so beautifully tragic was masterful. “Pasteurized friendships” was a beautifully innovative way to convey the message of the often painfully sanitized rhythm of life. For the most part, I thought your metaphors were well executed and lyrical, but there was one point (“And half queen beds/where I’m not bitter”) where I didn’t have enough context clues to really grasp what you were trying to say. I’m honestly not really sure what a half queen bed is, but maybe it’s a cultural thing? Let me know if I’m missing something. I also thought “stats-focused romantics” wasn’t quite as lyrically phrased as some of your prettier lines, especially followed by the beautiful “past this peak in beauty and in sanity”. Still, these are only small qualms I have with an otherwise fantastic song. @Tropical – Read Your Mind I kinda love the way you actually incorporated Pokémon into your song – I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before in this challenge, so it’s unexpected, but it made me smile. I specifically like the “psybeam” line – it was a smart Pokémon reference that wasn’t too obvious. By contrast, “Do I gotta be Mewtwo to get you to slide up beside me?” was perhaps a bit too obvious, and made me question whether the subject of this song has a thing romantically for psychic type Pokémon? I’m still impressed by this, especially for it being your first time ever writing a song. You already have a strong grasp on meter and structure, which a lot of writers struggle with for years. Lyrically, I’d love to see you continue to experiment with metaphors and phrasing in future rounds. Try to find interesting ways to say mundane things, or imply emotions through your lyrics without needing to explicitly say “I want to give my love to you”, for example. Still, this was a memorable first entry, and proof that you could be quite competitive in this game. I’m excited to see where you go from here! @Hug – Heaven only exists in the dark Way to drag me in your additional info – I typically try to read the entry before reading the additional info, but for some reason I almost didn’t this time. First, I need to say this sounds like a toxic relationship, but you portrayed it well, especially from the perspective of an inexperienced lover that perhaps doesn’t realize how toxic it is. As you know, your structure and flow were flaw-free, truly a testament to your decade+ doing this. There’s no shortage of standout lines here, but by far my favorite is “I don’t need to pray to angels; I’ve held one in my arms” – I’ll be thinking about that one for days. The entire last stanza of the second chorus is also impeccable, and an excellent way to provide repetition while still offering a fresh perspective on the chorus. My criticisms are only preferential, but there were a couple elements I would have personally worded a bit differently. “Floor stars” was a bit awkwardly worded in my opinion – I think this line would have actually worked better as a simile (“The colored glass that coats the floor like stars…”). I’m also not sure why both the characters are kneeling. I could see why ONE would be kneeling, but for both to be kneeling seems uncomfortable and awkward. It’s a small thing, but something that took me a bit out of the song. As you know, this was still a solid entry, and I’m ready for another season of Hug domination. @Julianna Calm Down – Silver Skin First – I love your Gaslighter themed username. Just needed to mention that. My first thought after reading your typing was “is this going to be a Lugia themed serve?” so I’m THRILLED that it is, as watching the Pokémon 2000 movie is a core childhood memory of mine. This is pretty phenomenal for a first entry in an ATRL songwriting tournament. I’m not sure how much songwriting experience you have, but you seem to already have a solid grasp on the fundamentals and your own distinct style. I think the first half of your chorus is great. I specifically love “If I show my face the earth will separate/If I love you now the sky will break”. Conversely, I thought “silence my bird call” was a less effective metaphor. There were a couple other lines I would have changed. “Six feet under” implies death to me, so I would have found a different way to imply depth. “Truth is hidden in my fragile” also seemed incomplete to me… what was fragile? And although we let Adele get away with it, “I make it rain like fire” is a bit logically inconsistent. Otherwise, I thought your writing was strong. I loved the outro, especially “I spark a hurricane/every time you say my name”. You already have a talent for finding interesting ways to say things, and SHOWING emotion without having to explicitly mention how the character is feeling. Applied a bit more consistently, you’ll spark hurricanes in this competition! StormPulse – Exodus The typing… are you Arceus?? That actually comes through a bit in the entry. This reads like a Christian pop song written to God – let me know if that wasn’t your intention, but there’s strong religious themes here that make my assume it’s a religious song. As you allude to in your other information section, I don’t really get any specific type when reading your lyrics. I do get a lot of emotion from this – there’s a strong sense of yearning, and bits of remorse and longing for redemption. I’m not sure if this is a personal entry, but it feels like one. I’ve always known your writing to feel very personal an emotive, and this is no exception. While there’s no specific lines I didn’t like here, there also weren’t as many standout lines as I’ve seen in some of your previous entries. Specifically, I liked “Bring me back, skies open wide”. I thought that line provided the strongest sense of longing in the song, and I would have loved to see more lines like that. I will say I’ve missed your writing, so I’m excited to see what else you have to offer this season. @OreGuy – Sunshine At Sea I can’t say for sure that I can remember every entry I’ve read from you over the years, but I’m pretty sure this is my favorite. I thought the song overall was very cleverly written, and I felt fully immersed in the imagery and emotion of your lyrics. I loved the entire second half of the chorus, but my favorite part was the bridge. It was written in a poppy, commercial way, but was effective in offering a different perspective from the rest of the song, and had a brilliant sense of release in “unless a guarantee/that id be set for free/then rescue me”. I also loved your use of internal rhyming in the verses with “i guess ill embrace the trace of my fate/and dive to the face of this ugly weather”. There were moments when you could have tightened up a few lines; for example, I think “stormy” or “violent weather” would have been a more effective and poetic way of setting the theme of the song, and “jester for money” felt a bit out of place in the song. Still, the stronger lines far outshined the weaker ones, and left me wanting more from you. Great work! @PoKiTaurus – Victory Tune Fire and psychic… victory tune… is this a Victini song? Motivational songs can be hard to write without coming across as cheesy, but I think you successfully pulled it off. I find that the trick is to avoid clichés and naïve optimism, and I think you did this well. “The birds congregate on a lonely tree, to keep it company” was quite the original way to create a fuzzy, warm feeling. The moments of doubt in “So the moon won’t help you when it’s out of sight” followed by “But your eyes adjust to the darkest light” (although I think “night” would have made more sense) successfully created a journey of emotions that prevented the song from feeling one-note. The one line that felt out of place to me was “They say the tan you’ve got means the sun’s your guide” – perhaps it could have been worded to show the tan as a mark of experience or wisdom from the sun? Overall this was a great first entry – despite being quite general, it felt personal, and I could feel your personal songwriting style strongly through your unique lyrical choices. @8thPrince – Hurricane I get about as much water from flying from this, but considering hurricane is a flying type move, I’ll allow it. As usual, there’s really nothing to fault here technically. There’s also quite a few interesting lines here – I would highlight “So even if a hurricane rips through my life/At least I can say that I was swept off my feet” as my favorite. I also liked the overall theme of many aspects of love being inevitable or out of your own control, but I think you leaned a bit too heavily on clichés at times. The references to butterfly wings leading to hurricanes, roaring seas, and reading tea leaves weren’t anything new, and while you could have taken those concepts in new and interesting directions, I thought the ultimate direction of the song was predictable. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing in a song about fate being pre-destined, I think you could have conveyed the message in a more compelling way. That being said, more often than not, you lived up to your reputation as one of the best writers here. The imagery and internal rhyming in the bridge rolled off the tongue and into the mind beautifully, and you made it immediately clear that this will be another great season for you. @xBoySelenatorx – Ghost and Maniac I stan an intro monologue – I can see this being the first track to a concept album. Your writing style here is very narrative, which I appreciate. I find that storytelling songs can be hard to execute perfectly, because the movement of the story often ends up driving the song, leaving lyricism and emotion as secondary to the plot of the story. There were times where the song fell victim to this – specifically in mentioning their desire to marry and the father’s worry. In other places, you executed the story well. I liked how you described the woman as crazy at first rather than explicitly saying it, and I think the song would have actually been more compelling if you had kept it that way rather than mentioning “she’s a crazy, crazy woman” in the chorus. Being a psychic/ghost type song, I think the added mystique would have added to the typing. You also did this well near the end of the song, implying that the woman ended up institutionalized without explicitly stating it. I think you have a solid song here, so I can’t wait to see what you come up with for the next round. I encourage you to think about each line specifically, to decide how to convey your message in a way that’s immersive to the reader and poetic while still remaining narrative (if you choose to write another storytelling song). I also liked the way you incorporated your typing – it felt natural and necessary. @Prisoner – Sky Children This is an undoubtedly pretty sky song. The lyrics feel like a lullaby or a nursery rhyme, which fit well with the image of “sky children”. I am left wondering what the overarching theme or message of the song is – is it just meant to be a pretty song about mystical beings in the sky, is it meant to be a lullaby, or is there something I’m missing? I’m also a bit confused who these “sky children” are – I gather that it’s more of a mystical song geared towards children, but let me know if there’s something more concrete I’m missing here. There were also a couple lines with inconsistent grammar – “on white roots that rests” should read “on white roots that rest”, and the list line should be “you’re now a child of the sky”. These weren’t big problem to me, but they did disrupt the otherwise dreamy flow of the song. This song had some of the strongest imagery and most poetic lyrics of the round, so while it wasn’t the most emotionally resonant, I absolutely appreciate it for being something lighthearted and dreamy. @Kylie Jenner – Lost in the Rays I’ve heard your instrumentals before, but I think this is the first time I’ve heard your voice – and wow, I love your calming, slightly gravelly voice on this track . Even though I’m not scoring you on your melody, I also thought it was great. From the beginning, you perfectly set the scene of a golden summer sun casting its glow on a beach. The lyrics are dripping in nostalgia and witfulness, so it’s safe to say you absolutely captured your typing and the desired mood of the song. I also get a lot of rock type from the depictions of a cold city, and I think that juxtaposition was really effective in amplifying the nostalgic summer love. While not a unique concept in popular music, I think you executed the concept with such conviction that I really enjoyed it, and the hints of sadness in “picture me in between those city scenes/when you go back home” provided the perfect contrast. To nitpick, I think the “punch the air” line could have been a bit stronger, and the “concrete jungle” line could have been more distinct, but this was overall one of my absolute favorites this round, and a song I’ll be coming back to throughout the week. Excellent first entry! 5 1
Kylie Jenner Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 Thank you both judges your comments are greatly appreciated I thought I'd try something different this time so sang the song myself which is scary to put out there gdjfdh to me there's a difference between songwriting and poetry so it's hard to distinguish between the two unless I have music and can think up a melody, otherwise I just find myself counting the syllables to make everything match up and it starts to feel more robotic and forced and less fluid. That's just me! but thank you 1
poki Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 Thank you Yes I was trying to convey the idea that you are "branded" by the sun so the moon won't be there for you, but that it still is there to help as well Yeah I was inspired by the idea that PokeLore says that if Victini is with you, he will always guide you. I think that's why he is Psychic / Fire to represent that he is always powerful both when the moon and the sun are up, unlike other Pokémon that are supposed to be weaker at certain times of the day. It would be super cool if they finally add that as a gameplay mechanic: That the time of day impacts Pokémon stats based on their type.
Hug Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 53 minutes ago, Jackson said: @Hug – Heaven only exists in the dark Help how embarrassing. I read this I don't know how many times making sure I didn't mess up and I still did. The line was SUPPOSED to be "the colored glass that coats the floor STARTS glittering in the moonlight" which was supposed to refer to broken stain glass windows to set the location and the moonlight was supposed to set the general time. The kneeling part...I can give you since in a literal sense two people kneeling in a dark abandoned church wouldn't really be comfortable, as you said, but that word choice was specifically because it's common to neal before an altar in prayer, so I wanted that word association without thinking of the practicality of the word choice. Also just remembered the toxic relationship part: I think it could be toxic in ways. One thing I wanted to portray is that they're both broken people. One has issues letting people get close due to trust issues and the other has been deprived of attention/affection for most of their life so they've attached themselves to someone who shown them a kindness they'd not known before. That's part of the whole two broken people trying to heal each other thing I was going for. They're still in that broken part <3 I appreciate your comments, thank you!!
Jackson Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 4 minutes ago, Hug said: Help how embarrassing. I read this I don't know how many times making sure I didn't mess up and I still did. The line was SUPPOSED to be "the colored glass that coats the floor STARTS glittering in the moonlight" which was supposed to refer to broken stain glass windows to set the location and the moonlight was supposed to set the general time. The kneeling part...I can give you since in a literal sense two people kneeling in a dark abandoned church wouldn't really be comfortable, as you said, but that word choice was specifically because it's common to neal before an altar in prayer, so I wanted that word association without thinking of the practicality of the word choice. I appreciate your comments, thank you!! Ahh, I see the vision now. I also see where you're coming from with the kneeling, and maybe it was my intrusive thoughts winning, but it just made me stop reading and start thinking about how uncomfortable it would be to have an intimate moment while kneeling fff. Probably just a me thing, and a nitpick even then! 25 minutes ago, PoKiTaurus said: Thank you Yes I was trying to convey the idea that you are "branded" by the sun so the moon won't be there for you, but that it still is there to help as well Yeah I was inspired by the idea that PokeLore says that if Victini is with you, he will always guide you. I think that's why he is Psychic / Fire to represent that he is always powerful both when the moon and the sun are up, unlike other Pokémon that are supposed to be weaker at certain times of the day. It would be super cool if they finally add that as a gameplay mechanic: That the time of day impacts Pokémon stats based on their type. Ooh that's cool now that you describe it. I didn't play gens 5-7 until 2019, so I missed out on a lot of that lore. 27 minutes ago, Kylie Jenner said: Thank you both judges your comments are greatly appreciated I thought I'd try something different this time so sang the song myself which is scary to put out there gdjfdh to me there's a difference between songwriting and poetry so it's hard to distinguish between the two unless I have music and can think up a melody, otherwise I just find myself counting the syllables to make everything match up and it starts to feel more robotic and forced and less fluid. That's just me! but thank you I definitely wouldn't mind vocals in the future! Although it doesn't impact judging, it does help illustrate your intended meter and shows how the syllables fit together, and you do genuinely have a great voice
Julianna Calm Down Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 Hi @Jackson thanks for your valuable feedback, I’m taking it onboard for future rounds in the competition the line “silence my bird call” comes from Lugia being the leader of the legendary birds, I thought it made sense from that perspective - having to shut off or repress a natural part of you. Hiding something in yourself that can be both powerful and beautiful.
Julianna Calm Down Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 Excited for the next challenge. Bring it on. 1
poki Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 3 minutes ago, Jackson said: Ooh that's cool now that you describe it. I didn't play gens 5-7 until 2019, so I missed out on a lot of that lore. Yeah Victini is so spiritual that he's technically not even in the PokeDex. He is listed as #000 because their technology can't detect him so they "hard coded" him onto the PokeDex. I once read on reddit a theory that Victini is the good and Jirachi is the bad because Jirachi will make your wishes come true while Victini allows the universe to bless you. And Ho-Oh waits for Victini to choose before he gives his blessings as well. A sort of "Not what you want, but what you need" situation. Victini's impact on the lore is crazy
GentleDance Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 1 hour ago, Jackson said: @GentleDance – DNA (“And half queen beds/where I’m not bitter”) where I didn’t have enough context clues to really grasp what you were trying to say. I’m honestly not really sure what a half queen bed is, but maybe it’s a cultural thing? Let me know if I’m missing something. It's a bed size, kinda similar in size to single sized bed/mattress Thank you for your precious input, it's very appreciated
worldwide angel Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 2 hours ago, Jackson said: Whew, the game is already off to a great start! Please note that I always try to include at least one highlight and one suggestion in all my reviews, so the amount of praise/criticism isn't always indicate of your score. If I dwell on one particulate lyric, I'm typically using it as an example of a point, and my score will reflect that. And as always, suggestions are just that - so feel free to ignore if you disagree, as I know I have in the past. With that, please let me know if you have any questions on your reviews! @worldwide angel – Grace I was hoping to see a fairy type entry, so I’m glad I got to read your entry first . Last year in S1 we did a pride challenge, so I love the direction you took considering the lack of a formal pride round. My favorite thing about this song is the way you took a fairly weight topic, addressing transphobia and fatphobia, and made it into a light pop song. I know light, slightly poppy songs with short syllables and line lengths are your “thing”, but as long as it’s pulled off well, I don’t mind sticking to a signature style (and it’s week one, so I can’t really complain – yet ). I loved the line “run to special places, create perfect spaces”, although it a bit TOO strongly reminiscent of Lorde’s Perfect Places. I also really loved the opening stanza – it perfectly set the tone of the song. There were a few lines that felt out place for lyrical writing, like “we’re cute and cuddly” and “honey we will rise/ with a million surprises/and a unique might”. Overall, a great first entry. I felt a lot of your personality here, and I can’t wait to see where this season takes you! @XO_Life – Is the…? Choosing my two favorite types… WHEW, a serve! I know I should keep my advice confined to this season, but I have to mention that I can see a lot of growth here from the first lyrics I saw from you a year ago. You’re definitely one of the more pop-leaning lyricists in the competition, but your chorus here is a great example of pop done well, without venturing into “generic” writing. Using questions in a chorus is a great way to change up the structure of a song and draw attention to it. Using the words “Is the thought of me beating you?” in the first line of the chorus is really provocative, but fits well with the tone of the song. My one piece of advice for future rounds would be to think of more interesting ways to describe a setting. When I read “black fire candles”, I was a bit confused whether you were referring to candles with black flames or black candles burning with a red flame. You also used the word “black” in the previous line, so it felt a bit repetitive. You could have avoided this altogether by saying something like “dim flames flicker”. There’s definitely a place for simple language, especially in a pop song, but I encourage you to think about strategic places you can incorporate world-building language to immerse the reader deeper in the lyrics. That aside, I really did love this song, and I’m excited to see more throughout the season. @GentleDance – DNA This was a really interesting type pairing to choose. I totally understand the normal and fairy typing, and I thought they were compelling types to pit against each other. I don’t get much “psychic” from this, but it’s unimportant when considering the other two. I loved your concept, and the execution was amazing as well. There’s a lot of standout lines here, but I really loved “Do I have a say in what I want to say?/Can do nothing about white and gray/Can do nothing about DNA” – it’s something I think about often, but the way you put it into poetry and made it sound so beautifully tragic was masterful. “Pasteurized friendships” was a beautifully innovative way to convey the message of the often painfully sanitized rhythm of life. For the most part, I thought your metaphors were well executed and lyrical, but there was one point (“And half queen beds/where I’m not bitter”) where I didn’t have enough context clues to really grasp what you were trying to say. I’m honestly not really sure what a half queen bed is, but maybe it’s a cultural thing? Let me know if I’m missing something. I also thought “stats-focused romantics” wasn’t quite as lyrically phrased as some of your prettier lines, especially followed by the beautiful “past this peak in beauty and in sanity”. Still, these are only small qualms I have with an otherwise fantastic song. @Tropical – Read Your Mind I kinda love the way you actually incorporated Pokémon into your song – I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before in this challenge, so it’s unexpected, but it made me smile. I specifically like the “psybeam” line – it was a smart Pokémon reference that wasn’t too obvious. By contrast, “Do I gotta be Mewtwo to get you to slide up beside me?” was perhaps a bit too obvious, and made me question whether the subject of this song has a thing romantically for psychic type Pokémon? I’m still impressed by this, especially for it being your first time ever writing a song. You already have a strong grasp on meter and structure, which a lot of writers struggle with for years. Lyrically, I’d love to see you continue to experiment with metaphors and phrasing in future rounds. Try to find interesting ways to say mundane things, or imply emotions through your lyrics without needing to explicitly say “I want to give my love to you”, for example. Still, this was a memorable first entry, and proof that you could be quite competitive in this game. I’m excited to see where you go from here! @Hug – Heaven only exists in the dark Way to drag me in your additional info – I typically try to read the entry before reading the additional info, but for some reason I almost didn’t this time. First, I need to say this sounds like a toxic relationship, but you portrayed it well, especially from the perspective of an inexperienced lover that perhaps doesn’t realize how toxic it is. As you know, your structure and flow were flaw-free, truly a testament to your decade+ doing this. There’s no shortage of standout lines here, but by far my favorite is “I don’t need to pray to angels; I’ve held one in my arms” – I’ll be thinking about that one for days. The entire last stanza of the second chorus is also impeccable, and an excellent way to provide repetition while still offering a fresh perspective on the chorus. My criticisms are only preferential, but there were a couple elements I would have personally worded a bit differently. “Floor stars” was a bit awkwardly worded in my opinion – I think this line would have actually worked better as a simile (“The colored glass that coats the floor like stars…”). I’m also not sure why both the characters are kneeling. I could see why ONE would be kneeling, but for both to be kneeling seems uncomfortable and awkward. It’s a small thing, but something that took me a bit out of the song. As you know, this was still a solid entry, and I’m ready for another season of Hug domination. @Julianna Calm Down – Silver Skin First – I love your Gaslighter themed username. Just needed to mention that. My first thought after reading your typing was “is this going to be a Lugia themed serve?” so I’m THRILLED that it is, as watching the Pokémon 2000 movie is a core childhood memory of mine. This is pretty phenomenal for a first entry in an ATRL songwriting tournament. I’m not sure how much songwriting experience you have, but you seem to already have a solid grasp on the fundamentals and your own distinct style. I think the first half of your chorus is great. I specifically love “If I show my face the earth will separate/If I love you now the sky will break”. Conversely, I thought “silence my bird call” was a less effective metaphor. There were a couple other lines I would have changed. “Six feet under” implies death to me, so I would have found a different way to imply depth. “Truth is hidden in my fragile” also seemed incomplete to me… what was fragile? And although we let Adele get away with it, “I make it rain like fire” is a bit logically inconsistent. Otherwise, I thought your writing was strong. I loved the outro, especially “I spark a hurricane/every time you say my name”. You already have a talent for finding interesting ways to say things, and SHOWING emotion without having to explicitly mention how the character is feeling. Applied a bit more consistently, you’ll spark hurricanes in this competition! StormPulse – Exodus The typing… are you Arceus?? That actually comes through a bit in the entry. This reads like a Christian pop song written to God – let me know if that wasn’t your intention, but there’s strong religious themes here that make my assume it’s a religious song. As you allude to in your other information section, I don’t really get any specific type when reading your lyrics. I do get a lot of emotion from this – there’s a strong sense of yearning, and bits of remorse and longing for redemption. I’m not sure if this is a personal entry, but it feels like one. I’ve always known your writing to feel very personal an emotive, and this is no exception. While there’s no specific lines I didn’t like here, there also weren’t as many standout lines as I’ve seen in some of your previous entries. Specifically, I liked “Bring me back, skies open wide”. I thought that line provided the strongest sense of longing in the song, and I would have loved to see more lines like that. I will say I’ve missed your writing, so I’m excited to see what else you have to offer this season. @OreGuy – Sunshine At Sea I can’t say for sure that I can remember every entry I’ve read from you over the years, but I’m pretty sure this is my favorite. I thought the song overall was very cleverly written, and I felt fully immersed in the imagery and emotion of your lyrics. I loved the entire second half of the chorus, but my favorite part was the bridge. It was written in a poppy, commercial way, but was effective in offering a different perspective from the rest of the song, and had a brilliant sense of release in “unless a guarantee/that id be set for free/then rescue me”. I also loved your use of internal rhyming in the verses with “i guess ill embrace the trace of my fate/and dive to the face of this ugly weather”. There were moments when you could have tightened up a few lines; for example, I think “stormy” or “violent weather” would have been a more effective and poetic way of setting the theme of the song, and “jester for money” felt a bit out of place in the song. Still, the stronger lines far outshined the weaker ones, and left me wanting more from you. Great work! @PoKiTaurus – Victory Tune Fire and psychic… victory tune… is this a Victini song? Motivational songs can be hard to write without coming across as cheesy, but I think you successfully pulled it off. I find that the trick is to avoid clichés and naïve optimism, and I think you did this well. “The birds congregate on a lonely tree, to keep it company” was quite the original way to create a fuzzy, warm feeling. The moments of doubt in “So the moon won’t help you when it’s out of sight” followed by “But your eyes adjust to the darkest light” (although I think “night” would have made more sense) successfully created a journey of emotions that prevented the song from feeling one-note. The one line that felt out of place to me was “They say the tan you’ve got means the sun’s your guide” – perhaps it could have been worded to show the tan as a mark of experience or wisdom from the sun? Overall this was a great first entry – despite being quite general, it felt personal, and I could feel your personal songwriting style strongly through your unique lyrical choices. @8thPrince – Hurricane I get about as much water from flying from this, but considering hurricane is a flying type move, I’ll allow it. As usual, there’s really nothing to fault here technically. There’s also quite a few interesting lines here – I would highlight “So even if a hurricane rips through my life/At least I can say that I was swept off my feet” as my favorite. I also liked the overall theme of many aspects of love being inevitable or out of your own control, but I think you leaned a bit too heavily on clichés at times. The references to butterfly wings leading to hurricanes, roaring seas, and reading tea leaves weren’t anything new, and while you could have taken those concepts in new and interesting directions, I thought the ultimate direction of the song was predictable. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing in a song about fate being pre-destined, I think you could have conveyed the message in a more compelling way. That being said, more often than not, you lived up to your reputation as one of the best writers here. The imagery and internal rhyming in the bridge rolled off the tongue and into the mind beautifully, and you made it immediately clear that this will be another great season for you. @xBoySelenatorx – Ghost and Maniac I stan an intro monologue – I can see this being the first track to a concept album. Your writing style here is very narrative, which I appreciate. I find that storytelling songs can be hard to execute perfectly, because the movement of the story often ends up driving the song, leaving lyricism and emotion as secondary to the plot of the story. There were times where the song fell victim to this – specifically in mentioning their desire to marry and the father’s worry. In other places, you executed the story well. I liked how you described the woman as crazy at first rather than explicitly saying it, and I think the song would have actually been more compelling if you had kept it that way rather than mentioning “she’s a crazy, crazy woman” in the chorus. Being a psychic/ghost type song, I think the added mystique would have added to the typing. You also did this well near the end of the song, implying that the woman ended up institutionalized without explicitly stating it. I think you have a solid song here, so I can’t wait to see what you come up with for the next round. I encourage you to think about each line specifically, to decide how to convey your message in a way that’s immersive to the reader and poetic while still remaining narrative (if you choose to write another storytelling song). I also liked the way you incorporated your typing – it felt natural and necessary. @Prisoner – Sky Children This is an undoubtedly pretty sky song. The lyrics feel like a lullaby or a nursery rhyme, which fit well with the image of “sky children”. I am left wondering what the overarching theme or message of the song is – is it just meant to be a pretty song about mystical beings in the sky, is it meant to be a lullaby, or is there something I’m missing? I’m also a bit confused who these “sky children” are – I gather that it’s more of a mystical song geared towards children, but let me know if there’s something more concrete I’m missing here. There were also a couple lines with inconsistent grammar – “on white roots that rests” should read “on white roots that rest”, and the list line should be “you’re now a child of the sky”. These weren’t big problem to me, but they did disrupt the otherwise dreamy flow of the song. This song had some of the strongest imagery and most poetic lyrics of the round, so while it wasn’t the most emotionally resonant, I absolutely appreciate it for being something lighthearted and dreamy. @Kylie Jenner – Lost in the Rays I’ve heard your instrumentals before, but I think this is the first time I’ve heard your voice – and wow, I love your calming, slightly gravelly voice on this track . Even though I’m not scoring you on your melody, I also thought it was great. From the beginning, you perfectly set the scene of a golden summer sun casting its glow on a beach. The lyrics are dripping in nostalgia and witfulness, so it’s safe to say you absolutely captured your typing and the desired mood of the song. I also get a lot of rock type from the depictions of a cold city, and I think that juxtaposition was really effective in amplifying the nostalgic summer love. While not a unique concept in popular music, I think you executed the concept with such conviction that I really enjoyed it, and the hints of sadness in “picture me in between those city scenes/when you go back home” provided the perfect contrast. To nitpick, I think the “punch the air” line could have been a bit stronger, and the “concrete jungle” line could have been more distinct, but this was overall one of my absolute favorites this round, and a song I’ll be coming back to throughout the week. Excellent first entry! thank you so much! i hope to impress you with some of the ideas i have for this season.
Hug Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 45 minutes ago, fountain said: Round 2 coming within the next hour Omggg I was gonna play my switch but nvm!! 1
Jackson Posted June 24, 2023 Posted June 24, 2023 1 minute ago, Hug said: Omggg I was gonna play my switch but nvm!! what are we playing king?
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