beatinglikeadrum Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Omg thank u so much. It was totally freestyle, just to send the entrance.
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 2 hours ago, Aurora said: @RihsusChrist(ATG) - “Paraiba Tourmaline” What is with all of the titles this round? Very pretty gemstone, though. This was probably my favourite song from you, actually. It was well crafted, very descriptive, painted a nice picture with that shade of green prominent throughout, and told the story well. It could have been expanded on a bit with a bridge or something just to give another dimension to the song but overall it was pretty solid.
UFO Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) 5 hours ago, Aurora said: @UFO - “Death Lullaby” ceremonials called, he wants his aesthetic back. But funnellegs ripped off your parking lot lyric, so I guess I can call it even. Ask Hug if you’d like to know my opinions about writing a song about a dead child that doesn’t really exist. I have to be consistent in my disdain. “Collapsed in your pool of blood” - I’m not sure if this lyric is meant to be taken literally or metaphorically but either way it’s way too much. Sis. I can’t really fault you on technique, honestly this is probably your tightest work yet. It’s just so wrong on so many levels to me. “Your ashes in your womb imitate lost butterflies”? This is some messed up ****. I’m torn on how to properly critique this because I can’t score you too low because I have to admit it’s well written, and I can’t overlook that. There are issues here and there but that’s nothing compared to how morbid the whole thing is. Maybe this could have worked had you done more showing than telling, but you’re literally depicting umbilical cords breaking and a fetus decaying in the womb and it’s just… please don’t do this again, please. Mess well, I wasn't expecting this kind of review ffffffff at least you thought it was well-written! Thank you I wasn't trying to be morbid/graphic on purpose btw for shock value (that was NOT my intention), I just wanted the heart-wrenching emotion to properly shine through. I really tried to place myself in the shoes of a mother who lost her child and I wanted to tell a story through those emotions. Also, most of the lyrics were written as metaphorical at the time but I do agree some can be interpreted as literal hopefully you don't score me too low for the subject matter because I really wanted to dig deep and write something that is not typically written about e.g. miscarriage Edited June 15, 2017 by UFO
UFO Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) @ceremonials @Hug ffffff I guess I've officially joined the club! To be fair, Death Lullaby is probably the most ****ed up song I have ever written and I have written a lot of crazy **** so I understand where Aurora's coming from I was not subtle at all, I literally GASPED in shock when I read back some of the lyrics I wrote fffffff I think I went a little too far but I'm happy the emotion was easy to grasp! Edited June 15, 2017 by UFO
Hug Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: Do I do two batches or pull a Sam? Hm Do them all at once so it takes longer for you to post them
Temporal Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Just now, Hug said: Do them all at once so it takes longer for you to post them 0ka3y
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 10 minutes ago, Hug said: Do them all at once so it takes longer for you to post them No.
Galah Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 4 hours ago, Hug said: Thank you for seeing I didn't give up. I really felt like it this week, but I didn't think it;d be fair to everyone who has been trying their hardest as well. Anyway, about exploiting the death of a child. The song is about a little girl who burns to death. Help. If this is true, I didn't even pick up on the fact Gassy Donny's song was about a child; I pictured a woman and it fits. It doesn't play on the evil nature of a childlike innocence getting destroyed so I didn't have a problem with it in that sense. That's never the focus or selling point of the song.
ughgabriel Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 BATCH 1 @OreGuy - What Happened to Emmy? Okay this is a really intriguing entry to me. I really love how the verses are actually painting a picture and telling a story that is a clear metaphor of how you are running or trying to escape from something. I think the Emmy (ME) thing was clever and I appreciate originality! All of these things that I mentioned were done very well! Although there were some things that I don't know why you mentioned them, cause I don't feel like they add anything to the song on an emotional lever (f.e.: the bag she got was stolen). Now, my main problem with this entry was the chorus. As a fan of mystery and the unknown I find it to be great because it gives me this feeling of wanting to know more about the story. To me it felt like the first chapter of a book where you give away the plot but not the conflict of the story. And on a storytelling challenge I don't think it was the best move to make because you are supposed to tell the story from beggining to end. And while you did that during the verses and bridge, I feel like you left us in doubt during your chorus. I must say I do see progress but I know you can still do a lot better! @mxtthewdelrey - Vape With Me Postman - The Story of My Life Uhm, I know this is a troll song but I still don't know if you wanted to make a good troll song or you just wrote random things. Anyway the first verse and the first four lines of verse 2, along with the choruses, felt very uninspired. I will say that the Roxxxy Andrews reference made me laugh! Now on the third verse... I didn't understand shite, I mean I did but I don't know what a pot that ran away was supposed to represent This will get a better score than ceremonials' and austin's troll entries though. @Hug - Stormy Sky What I really loved about this entry was your authenticity and your honesty. Sometimes it's hard to express how you feel when you've been doing great at something and suddenly you're not "the best" at it anymore. I don't feel like your spark is gone, I just feel like we all have a great potential and we all have a masterpiece inside of us waiting to come out. So I am really happy you are sharing this with us and the way you portrayed it was very delicate and beautiful. I just want you to trust in yourself cause you still got it and we still can see the genius writer that you are. So I hope the process of writing this was therapeutic for you. I feel like this would be a great album closer. I feel like the whole song was cohesive and the story you told was clear and well developed. The outro was my favorite part! It's so great when we finally learn to accept the things we cannot change, it's not a disadvantage, it may seem a little unfortunate for us but in the end we learn to use those kind of things in our favor. Keep it up! @Gastrodonatella - Lost in Fire Well I have to say you definitely underestimated yourself before the season started. You are in fact a threat. The entry was very cohesive and your imagery was very consistent and I thought the wildfire metaphor was very fitting for the story you were trying to tell. I do feel like this would've been more fitting for an imagery challenge. I mean, the central point of the story was developed very well but I didn't really get much more than that and on a storytelling song I really want to see the mention of details or something that makes the story different from others, you know? Give it some uniqueness. You managed to do that on your last week's entry but I didn't feel that way with this one. It was a very nice entry, though. You're on the right track! @Nait Phoenix - Hard Candy Okay, whatever you've been doing keep rolling with it! This was really captivating and exciting because I found myself like reading everything really fast and scrolling down because I really wanted to know what was going to happen next on the story. I really like how you told the story but I had the same problem I had with Ore's entry. This feels like an introduction to the story cause you left me in doubt, I know the the tables turned and the girl became the predator as the guy became the prey but I want to know how! What did she do to him? Did she kill him? That was my first impression, but then I thought "was she trying to seduce him just to take control of the situation where he could be seen as a pervert?". I felt like the song needed some kind of closure. But your story was very interesting and it kept me on my toes. Good job! @SaintWest - S.A.D. This was really really good! I enjoyed the prechorus a lot, it was probably my favorite part and I feel like this entry gave me what I was left wanting from other entries, which is the mention of detail, I guess that's why I loved the prechorus so much, you told a story, mentioned little things that might be simple but they hold an enormous meaning. I also feel like this was a nice way to give closure to Midsummer. Now that I said that, I have to say that this was so well done because it was complemented by one of your previous entries which helped us understand the song better. But I don't know if this entry would've been as understandable as a standalone song. Like we knew the backstory because we read Midsummer, but would it have been as comprehensible as it was if we didn't know the backstory? I have my doubts on that. You sticked to your concept and your vision which I appreciate. I just want to see more dimensions of your writing. I'm not telling you to nor write about it anymore, we write about things we feel the need to write about, it's kind of a healing process too. I just would appreciate if you gave your songs another undertone. For example, if you want to keep writing about this experience, it's okay, but I would appreciate if you write about parts of the story where not everything is sadness and nostalgia, you know? I just want to see more of you. But this entry was great! @Glassmouth - Laffy Taffy Okay, I have to let you know, I kinda live for your concepts. Not live in a way where I'm scalped buuut they are fresh and interesting! I don't have a problem with long songs, unconventional structuring, etc but I don't know why you decided to label these parts of your songs as verse 2-3-4-5-6... Because all those parts could've belonged to one verse since the meter and flow didn't change at all in any of these. This won't give you any negative points, it's just an observation. Well, as I said before, I really like your concepts but for me the execution isn't there yet. I really liked the beginning of the song because you sticked to the childhood symbols and memories. But then you started incorporating colors into the song and that's a little overdone in my opinion, like we get it, someone died so you're gonna wear black. It's not exciting, it's not innovative, it's just not outstanding. It kind of feels like you were trying to add things to the song but those parts felt a little uninspired. I think this could've been a great entry if your chorus was stronger, because remember that it has to be the central part of your song that assembles the other parts of your song, and to me the verses were stronger than the chorus. I would've liked if you only used the childhood metaphors. @funnellegs - Bottom of a Plastic Cup I have to be honest, I'm not loving this. It's okay for me. Your last week's entry really impressed me and this is not doing the job for me. You know what I think about unoriginality? It's not about the story you tell, it's about the way you choose to tell the story. That's what felt unoriginal to me. No story can be unoriginal because it's always based on something that happened to us or a situation that we create, therefor it's original because it clicks with us. You just need to find ways to stand out, give your song uniqueness, give us something that is really symbolic to this specific situation, tell us that story in a way that you let us understand things the way they happened while adding elements that would make us think "wow this song is totally funnel"! At points the song felt a little more descriptive of how you were feeling instead of actually narrating the situation that was happening.
Temporal Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 I definitely read Funnellegs intro thinking it was a part of Laffy Taffy and was like ?????????
mxtthewdelrey Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 2 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: @mxtthewdelrey - Vape With Me Postman - The Story of My Life Uhm, I know this is a troll song but I still don't know if you wanted to make a good troll song or you just wrote random things. Anyway the first verse and the first four lines of verse 2, along with the choruses, felt very uninspired. I will say that the Roxxxy Andrews reference made me laugh! Now on the third verse... I didn't understand shite, I mean I did but I don't know what a pot that ran away was supposed to represent This will get a better score than ceremonials' and austin's troll entries though. I cannot wait to begin my music career and you'll all realise that this isn't even a troll entry, this is literally the type of song I would make I laughed reading this review TBH, thank you so much! :heart2:
ughgabriel Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 1 minute ago, mxtthewdelrey said: I cannot wait to begin my music career and you'll all realise that this isn't even a troll entry, this is literally the type of song I would make I laughed reading this review TBH, thank you so much! By troll entry I don't mean like submitting for the purpose of trolling, I mean like a comedy song nn
mxtthewdelrey Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 1 minute ago, ughgabriel said: By troll entry I don't mean like submitting for the purpose of trolling, I mean like a comedy song nn I used to buy troll dolls when I was a child Do you think they are cute?
SaintWest Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 8 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: @SaintWest - S.A.D. This was really really good! I enjoyed the prechorus a lot, it was probably my favorite part and I feel like this entry gave me what I was left wanting from other entries, which is the mention of detail, I guess that's why I loved the prechorus so much, you told a story, mentioned little things that might be simple but they hold an enormous meaning. I also feel like this was a nice way to give closure to Midsummer. Now that I said that, I have to say that this was so well done because it was complemented by one of your previous entries which helped us understand the song better. But I don't know if this entry would've been as understandable as a standalone song. Like we knew the backstory because we read Midsummer, but would it have been as comprehensible as it was if we didn't know the backstory? I have my doubts on that. You sticked to your concept and your vision which I appreciate. I just want to see more dimensions of your writing. I'm not telling you to nor write about it anymore, we write about things we feel the need to write about, it's kind of a healing process too. I just would appreciate if you gave your songs another undertone. For example, if you want to keep writing about this experience, it's okay, but I would appreciate if you write about parts of the story where not everything is sadness and nostalgia, you know? I just want to see more of you. But this entry was great! Thanks gabe! This definitely was more of a reprise to Midsummer (it was literally almost called Midsummer (Reprise)), and I agree the original helped with context. But I'm glad you enjoyed it otherwise! I might sprinkle the same story into other entries later on, but for now, S.A.D. is the conclusion.
Temporal Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Temporal's Round 4 Batch One Reviews 1. @OreGuy - What Happened to Emmy Baby :( English not being your first language really hurt you here. Tense and subject/verb agreement were all over the place from start to end, and really bogged the song down. Beyond that, I think the song’s flow was a bit too fast paced, and I didn’t understand the “Emmy” being you without your explanation, and even then, that concept was really convoluted. 2. @mxtthewdelrey - Vape With Me Postman (Story of My Life) “My mother left my sister and I at a bus stop when I was three” dfitvkfesgy I don’t have much to say for this, but I think the song came apart more as it went on as I really liked the intro. 3. @Hug - Stormy Sky On a technical level, this was all fine, but there was no buildup or climax here; the piece was largely stagnant, and it was hard to get excited by it? I was waiting for the big moment or lyrical punch but it never came. And you could argue that the song is about climaxing early so it’s not like you could do much with that, but I was still waiting for this to… get up off the ground - “How could I have gotten here / When once the sky was mine” the second line read very awkwardly, idk how to describe it, but maybe the others will agree. - The first verse would’ve made a really strong chorus tbh 4. @Gastrodonatella - Lost in Fire Perfect rhymes are NOT your friend! Each of these lines were so heavily dependent on the rhyme that it was hard to look past it. Near rhymes are your friend, the one that I saw was “Spent/It” which threw me off because everything else was perfect. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this to you specifically before, but your lines are too long. At points, it was like reading a rhyming short story. If you can’t get your concept to work with the format, then you should reevaluate your choice. The style was nice, but again, I just don’t think it works with the format. Beyond that, however, I think your style and the language were nice. 5. @Nait Phoenix - Hard Candy I don’t totally get what happened here. I guess it could be up to interpretation but I got that this was either about 1) a girl killing a sexual predator 2) a girl leading a sexual predator to the police. Conceptually this was fine, but there weren’t any punches with this, it just felt flat all the way through. The language and style needed be a bit more nuanced for sure. - “Doesn't take much before it brings ruin to call” “brings ruin to call” confuses me so so much. 6. @SaintWest - S.A.D. This was another really nice entry. I did find it a bit more gimmicky than Midsummer, and there could’ve been more complexities with this entry, but again, this was well done. Besides that, my other main problem was that you wouldn’t use contractions, and that made things slightly clunkier to read. - “Goodbye/Nearby” was a no from me - The first midsummer reference was cute, the second, third and fourth… too much. - “Souls are sometimes best apart” switching “Sometimes souls are best apart” would’ve been a nicer cadence for the end imo 7. @Glassmouth - Laffy Taffy I agree with Gabe’s observation that the verses didn’t all need to be named separately (this is something that’s also been true of other contestants/entries as well). This entry felt a half-baked: I think that the candy bits should’ve been introduced earlier. It was weird to have the title and main imagery of the song appear so deep into it; it made the beginning sections feel like they were dangling a bit. And even then those references were only there for a third of the song, I didn’t see a common thread to really tie to the song all together. 8. @funnellegs - Bottom of a Plastic Cup The chorus was way too dense, it got to be monologe-y. The style was very talk-y, not just because the lines were long, but because they were broken up really awkwardly (“But I still hate that birthday party / and the fake smiles / that they all wore / so manufactured and contrived”) and the words that you used were a bit too…heavy? This just didn’t feel lyrical. 9. @FCKNAmbrosia - Anorev I agree with Aurora, the water imagery only being in the first verse was really weird. It didn’t read like it was supposed to represent alcohol at all, it read very very literally. I really wouldn’t have gotten that meaning at all if hadn’t read your explanation. I also didn’t get the point of spelling “Verona” backwards, it would’ve been fine if it was just spelled regularly. - “thought a lighting struck the ground” idk if English is your first language, but “Lightning” is a confusing word to use; yes, it’s “the lightning”, but it’s also "a lightning BOLT”. “A lightning” doesn’t make sense. It’s weird, idk. - “Or end up in bloody grime?” this was tew much - “ship of evil” “evil” is such a blatant and overdone word, I would’ve gone for something less obvious and more poetic.
Hug Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 13 minutes ago, Temporal said: The first verse would’ve made a really strong chorus tbh It was my chorus at first. But like...what story can I tell with that chorus. I didn't know how to make it have different meanings as the story went on. Actually, the original chorus was: "I took the world by storm, people trembled in my wake No one could steal my thunder, I was the lightning and the rain Then my cloud had fallen down, my reign had lost its time These younger stars were born, I simply couldn't steal their shine" But not only did it feel too bulky to be a chorus, but it told my whole story right there. There wouldn't be a need for the verses. So I agree with that assessment, because it's, imo, the strongest part of the song, but I just didn't think I had the capacity to write the rest of the song if I used it as a chorus. I also agree with it being stagnant, but I just not a good enough writer to tell an interesting, engaging story while having the lyrics be...lyrics, and not a short story that rhymes. So I tried fitting the challenge and having some progression, and that's what became of it. --- @ughgabriel I didn't miss/forget your review. I'm glad you appreciated my honesty. I don't think I'll have another 'Drowned in Neon' moment this season...or probably ever, but I'm just hoping for 'Big Brother' moments, and that's basically what I was saying in my song!
Galah Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 7 hours ago, Lane Boy said: Did you find all 11 references? I did pick up on a lot of them but honestly I'd be lying if I said I tried to count them all.
ughgabriel Posted June 16, 2017 Posted June 16, 2017 BATCH 2 @FCKNAmbrosia- Anorev A modern version of Romeo and Juliet... I'm always looking forward to what people come up when they make that reference. It's very common but the interpretation it's always different! I liked how the intro was a subtle hint to the tragedy that was about to happen. The entry was not consistent enough for me, I didn't get why you used water elements during the first verse and didn't pick it up during the following ones. Instead you started using fire elements. I don't know if it was on purpose to emphasize the contrast between how the story started to how it ended. It wasn't very clear anyway. I feel like the verses were nice because those were the parts where I knew what was happening throughout the story. But I feel like you didn't assemble the song very well. It felt like you were going from one part of the night and skipping to another so the continuity of the story was a little confusing because all these parts were missing connection between them. @Tsareena - Scarlet Games GOD ****IN DAMMIT THIS WAS SO GOOD WHY DID YOU ADD WATER IMAGERY AND WHAT WAS THAT YOKO ONO LINE? Really, I was really surprised by your creativity and I'm kinda jealous that I didn't think of the bowling metaphor before. It is so original and the song kept me smiling as I was reading it. I was very satisfied (aside from the parts that I mentioned). I'm telling you. You should edit this song and take away those parts and you would have a very unique and great song! @UFO - Death Lullaby Ok... I understand the message you were trying convey, the story you were trying to tell and the feelings you were trying to evoke, but... idk the song felt really morbid as I was reading it. Lily Allen's "Take my place" is not a genius song lyrically but I think it did the job to handle well this topic while this was just disturbing and it made me really uncomfortable but not in a good intriguing way, it was more like a "I just watched The Human Centipede" kind of way. You described this as a miscarriage song but it felt like a traumatic nightmare the mom had as a consequence of losing her baby. I don't want to say it's a bad song but reading it was not a good experience for me. I would never want to read again how a woman is feeling the remains of her dead baby moving inside of her belly. Sorry, but I couldn't enjoy this. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - Paraiba Tourmaline Okay, at first I was reading this and when I got to the first chorus I was like you okay the narration of her past is there and how nobody comes to see her now too but where's the part where the downfall happens? And then I got it on verse 2 so I think your story was very complete for what you were trying to narrate! I just think the story was too simple maybe? I don't know, I was left wanting more, I wanted something to happen because in summary the whole song was "beauty queen got old and everyone lost interest in her", I mean give me something more! I do have to say this has been your best work yet so I see progress! But you still have room to grow, keep it up! @Lane Boy - Playground Games Aw, I really enjoyed this. The first chorus is probably my favorite chorus from this round, it was so sweet and effective. It embodied the whole song and assembled the verses very well. I really like the flow in the story because everything felt so natural and the mention of children's games and symbols were very fitting for what the song was trying to represent and the feelings you were trying to convey! My only complain would be the ghost/graveyard mention because it felt out of place, but at the same time I don't know if it's a reference to a kids' game that I don't know of nn I can tell that your talent is outstanding. I don't know about your experience in songwriting but you have a very polished style that makes you stand out and do well throughout the challenges. Welcome, threat! @ceremonials - Hourglass "Cause even a broken clock is right twice a day / And I could've waited for centuries if I had it my way" MY ****IN CHEAP AND DUSTY MEXICAN WIG. A couplet! I really liked the whole song, it's a topic that most people tend to feel, will my lover love me even at my lowest point? It's a fear most of us have. And the way you portrayed it was just so good. I will say that the bridge could've been left out, it wasn't really needed, it gave me nothing new to be quietly honest. But this is one of my favorite entries of yours I've ever read. @beatinglikeadrum - Story of the Birds so aside from the castle part I feel like you were consistent and commited to the metaphor you chose to use on this song and I feel like this has been your best song yet. Of course there some grammar issued but that's totally understandable, you really showed growth on your songwriting skills. There are still some issues, I was a little confused by the "dig my grave in the air", "i ain't eagle i could've cried", and some other lines. I just didn't get the meaning, logic or connection on these lines. But this was still a progress from your previous entries! I hope you continue to grow! @Auburn - For You Okay, I had a problem with this because it was too short and I couldn't decipher where the story was going. I understood that the protagonist was anticipating to their inevitable separation but that was basically it. I would've liked to know what do you mean by "my departure is coming", is it about death? he's just moving to another place? You left me in doubt. The mention of detail works for a storytelling song so good job on that! It was a very sweet song overall but I know you could've given me more and the story could've gone so much further.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted June 16, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted June 16, 2017 4 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: Tsareena - Scarlet Games GOD ****IN DAMMIT THIS WAS SO GOOD WHY DID YOU ADD WATER IMAGERY AND WHAT WAS THAT YOKO ONO LINE? Really, I was really surprised by your creativity and I'm kinda jealous that I didn't think of the bowling metaphor before. It is so original and the song kept me smiling as I was reading it. I was very satisfied (aside from the parts that I mentioned). I'm telling you. You should edit this song and take away those parts and you would have a very unique and great song! omg. Thanks for the review. I explained to aurora what the siren lines meant. I almost called the song yoko goes bowling
Recommended Posts