Temporal Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 2 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: i just want to get this over with so i can go lay in misery :( I'm almost done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Temporal's Round 4 Batch 2 Reviews 10. @Tsareena - Scarlet Games Well, this was certainly an interesting concept and a very quirky song. I agree with Aurora like above, the water imagery felt out of place with the bowling metaphor. My biggest quarrel, however, was with the style: at times it read as very conversational (the entire first verse basically), but then there would be moments where the style seemed to break from that and was a little more lyrical (the fourth verse). With that said, I think this style was very song-like, I could totally see this being an actual song. However, there weren’t any couplets or big punches here, as the verses were so really straightforward. You can write a really good song without big imagery or a big plot, but it requires a lot more support which I don’t think was present here. 11. @UFO - Death Lullaby The comments I’ve given you about your style being way too dense remain relevant here. I agree with the other judges that this was perhaps a bit too morbid, but I don’t think I was as overwhelmed by it because you had some killer lines here. On the whole, it just needed to be toned down two or three notches. I’ve mentioned this to other players before, but when dealing with death, it’s best to keep the reader at arm’s length instead of saying “oh yeah there was SO much blood it was SO gruesome and the body was like this xyz”, it’s best to have some poeticism about it. 12. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - Paranormal Tamborine WHY are you so against third choruses? :jonny: This was a really solid entry until it ended so prematurely. I didn’t get enough storytelling from this, just “oh this girl liked green and she was really hot, now she’s old and no one likes her”. Trying to tell a life story in two verses in a chorus just did not work. I really liked your style and vocabulary, though I will say the perfect rhymes that you did use felt elementary (“Naughty” / “Haughty”). “It was natural green was her color” hm 13. @Lane Boy - Playground Games Next thing, we’re touching! I’m sorry, I don’t think I liked this quite as much as the other judges. I did like the plot, especially when it to the bridge, but I think this song needed a lot to really work. This is a pretty cliché storyline, and I don’t think there was anything to really spice it up. The style was also too dry, some lines read like a Sparknotes summary (Ex. “Now it's college, and we’ve been through ups and downs, but I’m still enjoying the ride”), and there weren’t any big images beyond the swingset to really make the entry pop. I think something that may help you (and others) would be to read each line by itself and ask yourself if it 100% comes across as a lyric, and not possibly a sentence in a conversation, as some lines, again, did come across as such. I’m still waiting for that next level delivery from you, but thankfully, I’m patient, especially seeing how much the other judges love your work! 14. @ceremonials - Hourglass You’re an idiot for not submitting the other round because if you kept up this level of work you would’ve ****ing won this season. Sad! I really liked this, the style was flawless and the way you managed to use a ****ing hourglass as imagery for an entire song was like a masterclass. Slay me. The bridge was a bit clumsier than the rest of the song 15. @beatinglikeadrum - Story of the Birds I don’t remember you being a contestant with heavy grammatical issues, but there were certainly plenty with this entry. Beyond that I think you tried to do too much with too little. There were so many different images floating around that it was hard to find the storyline. The imagery was almost more of a nuisance than an aid because there was just so much of it. - “I was sitting on the brunch” um I would hope not - “I was flying like a crazy” ?? - “You decided to come there” You come here and go there - “you were jealous how big it has grown” oh - “You knew I ain't eagle” 16. @Auburn - For You “I now knew” I am TRIGGERED. This was cute for its length but definitely didn’t meet the challenge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 results in a sec lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I Miei Score Tea 10 - 0 9 - 2 8 - 1 7 - 1 6 - 3 5 - 4 3 - 2 2 - 1 1 - 0 Avg. 5.95 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I'm coming for another 2 from Temporal. Watch, I'll write a basic bubblegum pop song about partying and the good sis will start stanning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 21 minutes ago, Temporal said: Next thing, we’re touching! I just got this reference and it angers me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 1 minute ago, Lane Boy said: I just got this reference and it angers me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: At least it's Ellie's best song and not from the trash that is Delirium! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Lane Boy said: At least it's Ellie's best song and not from the trash that is Delirium! ... Coming for that 1 I see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ughgabriel Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 1 minute ago, Lane Boy said: At least it's Ellie's best song and not from the trash that is Delirium! Starry Eyed being Ellie's best song? Good thing you're a good writer cause your taste... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: ... Coming for that 1 I see You like Delirium? I literally only use Aftertaste, Keep On Dancin', On My Mind, Around U, Codes, Don't Panic, Army, Lost And Found, and Love Me Like You Do. I feel like Halcyon is a much superior album! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 1 minute ago, ughgabriel said: Starry Eyed being Ellie's best song? Good thing you're a good writer cause your taste... Ok, nevermind. Figure 8, Explosions, Halcyon, I Know You Care and Only You > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Lane Boy said: You like Delirium? I literally only use Aftertaste, Keep On Dancin', On My Mind, Around U, Codes, Don't Panic, Army, Lost And Found, and Love Me Like You Do. I feel like Halcyon is a much superior album! Halcyon is better but Delirium is overhated. I only skip Around U, Lost and Found and Holdin' on For Life https://www.last.fm/user/heartgears/library/music/Ellie+Goulding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Gastrodonatella said: you just listed 9 songs girl the album cant be THAT bad if theres 9 songs u stan for When the album is 22 tracks, that's not great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 Okay results time! Starting with #16 and ending with #1 Then the challenge rankings, and then round 5 - "the judge's pick" It's literal @Temporal @Aurora @ughgabriel @funnellegs @Glassmouth @Auburn@Hug @FCKNAmbrosia@Nait Phoenix @UFO@Gastrodonatella @Tsareena @SaintWest @RihsusChrist(ATG) @beatinglikeadrum@OreGuy @mxtthewdelrey @Lane Boy @ceremonials Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: Halcyon is better but Delirium is overhated. I only skip Around U, Lost and Found and Holdin' on For Life https://www.last.fm/user/heartgears/library/music/Ellie+Goulding I think my problem with Delirium is that there's too many tracks and too many fillers. Halcyon is definitely more cohesive and much better musically and lyrically, but I do stan for some of Delirum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 At #16... I guess the judges don't vape @mxtthewdelrey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 At #15... @Auburn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 (edited) the deadness Edited June 16, 2017 by keshaspearsxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glassmouth Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Well judges didn't like my song again so I expect a 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 finally a post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 At #14... Emmy @OreGuy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 1 minute ago, Glassmouth said: Well judges didn't like my song again so I expect a 13 a top 5 in my eyes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 At #13... Area 51 @UFO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fountain Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just now, Gastrodonatella said: such a crazy concept that a thread would be less active at midnight on a weekday plz spam christina grimmie songs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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