ughgabriel Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 (edited) 776 Records @Hug - Big Brother I had mixed feelings about this. In the beggining I felt like it was about some kind of therapy session, but I will say there was a creepy undertone on the whole song so at first I thought of the boogeyman whispering these lyrics to a child's ear, but after reading your description I thought of Donald Trump whispering to my ear which made me so uncomfortable BUT that's a good thing cause you achieved what you were trying to convey. I will say that I thought the lyrics and words you chose were a little too subtle and I didn't really get that sense of "oh he's talking about the government" but after reading your description it made sense. I think that the sheep mention was a really good lyric because it gave me a total sense of "oh, he's controlling him". The addition of more lyrics like that could've gave the reader a little more clarity. A good song overall! @ICEY - Polaroid I feel like the message of the song might've been misinterpreted because of the grammar problems that were present on the song. I did get the sense of being psychotic throughout the whole song and how this person was the only thing on your mind, but I didn't get more from that. It's not a bad thing that you present a common theme but it's a little underwhelming when you present it with the same old words and ideas, I feel like it would be nice if you used all your potential in terms of creativity! The song was not bad! But unfortunately there was nothing outstanding either :( @Pecinta Mariah - One Romance Story I felt a little confused by this entry. I didn't have the problem that I had with ICEY's entry where I didn't really unterstand how to interpret the song but I felt like this was too poetic. And that's is never an issue for me, but it's a little too complex in my opinion to fit under the label's demands where it asked the song to be digestible enough for casual listeners. I really liked the use of imagery and metaphors but I had to issues with it: I didn't feel like it was really fitting with the label and some metaphors and lines were too vague that I didn't get what they were trying to represent. I would suggest you to ask people to read your song before sending, asking for feedback is always a good thing! @FCKNAmbrosia - King of the Weekends / Good Mourning A double entry! Only geniuses would dare to do something like this! Ok but seriously. There are things that I feel that were great on this entry. I really liked the analogy of war to alcohol/partying. It was very original! I liked the contrast between the two parts of the song because I felt connected to it and at first it made me feel that rush and that desire of taking the risk and then I felt the hangover, the regret, everything. So you did really good conveying those emotions! I really liked the intermission too! It's so symbolic of how a lot of things can happen while you're unconscious and that nothing really makes sense. I feel like the first part was stronger though, some parts on the second half were too melodramatic for my taste. But this was a really good entry overall! @Nait Phoenix - Black Pages Wow! This was great! I really liked the whole concept and your execution was really refreshing. I can easily picture people quoting or signing along to the "we write on black pages just to get it out", it's so simple but at the same time very original and I feel like this works so well with the label you chose. I have to say I felt intimidated while reading this. @UFO - Sad Clown Well, this was a good entry. I don't know if I'm just not too excited or crazy about the idea because I like the song and think the execution was good, however it didn't hit me as hard as your previous songs. I feel like you used your metaphors well and everything made sense. I don't know if that's good because I feel like the label was asking for some kind of amiguity and to me the song's meaning was very clear. I don't know if I got Carly/Paramore/Tame Impala vibes from this, but it was original! And I think you did a good job with this. Edited June 8, 2017 by ughgabriel
ICEY Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 4 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: Polaroid I feel like the message of the song might've been misinterpreted because of the grammar problems that were present on the song. I did get the sense of being psychotic throughout the whole song and how this person was the only thing on your mind, but I didn't get more from that. It's not a bad thing that you present a common theme but it's a little underwhelming when you present it with the same old words and ideas, I feel like it would be nice if you used all your potential in terms of creativity! The song was not bad! But unfortunately there was nothing outstanding either :( oh darn Thanks for the feedback though!
ughgabriel Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Just now, ICEY said: oh darn Thanks for the feedback though! You can always try to rework on the song and try to apply the feedback the judges gave you and I could tell you what I think of it or give you more feedback :D
ICEY Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 9 hours ago, Aurora said: - “Polaroid” Side note: don’t even get me started on who psychotic I can get when I’m into someone. I kind of absolutely love the “paranoid/polaroid” rhyme and am both equal parts glad and confused as to why it’s not a really overdone rhyme. It just makes sense and sounds so darn good. Honestly I’m not sure how good of a fit this would be for the label, but that’s not my call to make. The second verse confused me a bit actually because there appeared to be some grammar problems (“I in the worst way”) which when listening to the demo (which was great, btw!) makes sense but that’s not going to fly in this competition. It’s like Ariana saying, “Now that I’ve become who I really are,” it’s just not good from a lyrical standpoint, and that should always be the #1 focus. Build a good melody around good lyrics if you must, don’t sacrifice the quality of the lyrics to fit to a melody you have in mind. thank you so much im glad you liked it !!! yeah i def construct the melody first and should prob put more of a focus on the lyrical aspect. Tbh i did most of this demo in one take and I get really attached to those kinds of spontaneous lyrics/melodies. I remember there was a charli podcast on Spotify where she said that when she writes to track she likes to keep a lot of the vowels and consonants the same even if the first initial take is gibberish which i thought was cool. yeah im super aware of my bad grammar sorry
ICEY Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 10 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: You can always try to rework on the song and try to apply the feedback the judges gave you and I could tell you what I think of it or give you more feedback :D sure i might do that if i have some time off work thanks!
Pecinta Mariah Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Thank you ughgrabiel.... you're right. I need someone to proofread my song before I submit.
fountain Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 (edited) @Temporal @ughgabriel one thing, don't say in your reviews for your own label if you hired them or not. im gonna announce those during results Edited June 8, 2017 by keshaspearsxo
Temporal Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: @Temporal @ughgabriel one thing, don't say in your reviews for your own label or not if you hired them. im gonna announce those during results **** you I'm announcing anyways, I hate your pretentious, stank, British ass. I hired no one, in fact I'd recommend you all get point reductions xoxo
fountain Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: **** you I'm announcing anyways, I hate your pretentious, stank, British ass. I hired no one, in fact I'd recommend you all get point reductions xoxo im feeling really attacked and hurt by this
Temporal Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Temporal's Reviews 776 Records @Hug - Big Brother I think you nailed what the label was looking for! The double entendre is so strong, it doesn’t drop for even a second, while at the same time, the entry is so very you. I don’t know why you weren’t more confident in this, Candle could never. - The verses were a bit boring with all of the questions repeated, it felt stagnant. - I wasn’t crazy about the flow in the chorus for some reason, but that’s a really subjective nitpick. - Outro was haunting, slay @ICEY - Polaroid Conceptually, this fit the label. There was a central motif here, however, the commentary that you were aiming for got lost in translation I suppose. There were a number of grammatical mistakes that really held this back, and while I could get some Carly vibes at points (the first verse), this was overall lackluster. - “You were the one that I think of” “were” is past tense while “I think” is present. - “And I don't understand you / Between the lens, you fill my lungs” I didn’t get this. - The 2nd verse was the low point of the song. @Pecinta Mariah - One Romance Story I agree with Aurora’s review, but I’ll add that the entire song didn’t really work together. Each section felt like its own individual piece without relation to the whole, especially between the first two verses and the chorus. A lot of the lines didn’t make sense, and the flow of the lines (not metrically but narratively) was almost impossible to follow. The language and flow was pretty, but without meaning, it felt fluffy. @FCKNAmbrosia - King of the Weekends / Good Mourning Nnnn at the “confusion/illusion” rhyme, Gaga is shook. Good lord at this length though, Gabe’s Prolouge/Epilogue is shook. I’m a bit torn with this: for one, it is definitely too long, some sections did not need repeating at all. In addition, there were a lot of redundant and ridiculous lines like “How can a ghost cry in the morning ?! / It is humorous…” and “It is impossible for a corpse to write a song” which were super jarring. However, I did like the narrative of the piece. - “Out of air so I inhale your cigar’s smoke / To surpass my lungs needs, like coke.” ….wut - Use contractions i.e. not “it is” but “it’s” @Nait Phoenix - Black Pages I think you met the criteria of the label: there was a central metaphor with a second dimension to it. My main issues were that the chorus was weak, and in general the rhyming was a bit easy. I’d like to see you reach for language a little bit more, though I will say that the easy rhyming in the bridge did work and punched a little bit. I don’t think this is your best entry of the season like /some judges/ however this was a perfectly acceptable entry. - “You want to read the stories, but you've never seem / To write your own, regardless of your self-esteem” Not sure what this was supposed to be…. @UFO - Sad Clown Hm. Central metaphor, yes. Second dimension, eh? I suppose it was there, but the piece reads so literally that even if there were a second interpretation for this it wouldn’t add anything or be that different. I think this was a regression from last week, you seem to be struggling with condensing your thoughts into a song. I’m just wondering if this is the right medium for you right now; you’re not a bad writer by any stretch, I just don’t think that the type of writing that you’re currently doing is really working with the format. I say that because the vocabulary was a bit clunky at times, the flow was really hard to grasp as the rhyme scheme kept shifting without reason, and the meter was wild as well. I will say I could see this being a Tame Impala tune though. Angry Mom Records @Gastrodonatella - Moonbeam Bridge That title is serving a Mario Kart racetrack. This is easily your best song of the season. I think you hit Jackson’s style pretty well, the vocabulary, the flow, the topic were all there. That being said, the aforementioned vocabulary was a bit clunky at times, and I would’ve liked to see a second dimension to this, but this is something that can be worked with down the road for sure. Keep playing with your metaphors and see how far you can take them. - The AAAA rhyme scheme in the bridge was not the tea, that rhyme scheme guarantees forced rhymes. - I would split the lines that are separated by commas to make them easier to read @Tsareena - Limbo I really loved the topic and how you handled it. I think this was a cute entry, but it lacked big lyrical punches and the race motif wasn’t strong to really carry this entry… over the finish line - “Time and us move in reverse” I’d swap “time” and “us” - “akimbo/limbo” was a mess - The rhymes in the third verse were really clunky after the second “-tion” rhyme. @8thPrince - Nowhere Wig. Loved this from top to bottom. Only real complaint is that pre-chorus felt a bit clunkier than the rest of the song (“With a perfect seal and perfect cursive handwriting”) and maybe that the rap read pretty much the same as the rest of the song but whatever, you did this. @SaintWest - Midsummer Gastrodon could NEVER. This was really really nice. I loved the emotion and how delicate this felt. My only critique really is that I think the song is a bit hyper-specific, it’s hard for the audience to relate to it entirely. I really adored this though. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - White Boy Well. This was an interesting angle to take. I definitely think it’s a legitimate point of view, but this song wasn’t fully fleshed out at all, and completely lacked song structures. I think this would’ve been a really interesting song to fully see through, but that just didn’t happen here. - “An statue” hm
Temporal Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 1 minute ago, Temporal said: Temporal's Reviews 776 Records @Hug - Big Brother I think you nailed what the label was looking for! The double entendre is so strong, it doesn’t drop for even a second, while at the same time, the entry is so very you. I don’t know why you weren’t more confident in this, Candle could never. - The verses were a bit boring with all of the questions repeated, it felt stagnant. - I wasn’t crazy about the flow in the chorus for some reason, but that’s a really subjective nitpick. - Outro was haunting, slay @ICEY - Polaroid Conceptually, this fit the label. There was a central motif here, however, the commentary that you were aiming for got lost in translation I suppose. There were a number of grammatical mistakes that really held this back, and while I could get some Carly vibes at points (the first verse), this was overall lackluster. - “You were the one that I think of” “were” is past tense while “I think” is present. - “And I don't understand you / Between the lens, you fill my lungs” I didn’t get this. - The 2nd verse was the low point of the song. @Pecinta Mariah - One Romance Story I agree with Aurora’s review, but I’ll add that the entire song didn’t really work together. Each section felt like its own individual piece without relation to the whole, especially between the first two verses and the chorus. A lot of the lines didn’t make sense, and the flow of the lines (not metrically but narratively) was almost impossible to follow. The language and flow was pretty, but without meaning, it felt fluffy. @FCKNAmbrosia - King of the Weekends / Good Mourning Nnnn at the “confusion/illusion” rhyme, Gaga is shook. Good lord at this length though, Gabe’s Prolouge/Epilogue is shook. I’m a bit torn with this: for one, it is definitely too long, some sections did not need repeating at all. In addition, there were a lot of redundant and ridiculous lines like “How can a ghost cry in the morning ?! / It is humorous…” and “It is impossible for a corpse to write a song” which were super jarring. However, I did like the narrative of the piece. - “Out of air so I inhale your cigar’s smoke / To surpass my lungs needs, like coke.” ….wut - Use contractions i.e. not “it is” but “it’s” @Nait Phoenix - Black Pages I think you met the criteria of the label: there was a central metaphor with a second dimension to it. My main issues were that the chorus was weak, and in general the rhyming was a bit easy. I’d like to see you reach for language a little bit more, though I will say that the easy rhyming in the bridge did work and punched a little bit. I don’t think this is your best entry of the season like /some judges/ however this was a perfectly acceptable entry. - “You want to read the stories, but you've never seem / To write your own, regardless of your self-esteem” Not sure what this was supposed to be…. @UFO - Sad Clown Hm. Central metaphor, yes. Second dimension, eh? I suppose it was there, but the piece reads so literally that even if there were a second interpretation for this it wouldn’t add anything or be that different. I think this was a regression from last week, you seem to be struggling with condensing your thoughts into a song. I’m just wondering if this is the right medium for you right now; you’re not a bad writer by any stretch, I just don’t think that the type of writing that you’re currently doing is really working with the format. I say that because the vocabulary was a bit clunky at times, the flow was really hard to grasp as the rhyme scheme kept shifting without reason, and the meter was wild as well. I will say I could see this being a Tame Impala tune though. Angry Mom Records @Gastrodonatella - Moonbeam Bridge That title is serving a Mario Kart racetrack. This is easily your best song of the season. I think you hit Jackson’s style pretty well, the vocabulary, the flow, the topic were all there. That being said, the aforementioned vocabulary was a bit clunky at times, and I would’ve liked to see a second dimension to this, but this is something that can be worked with down the road for sure. Keep playing with your metaphors and see how far you can take them. - The AAAA rhyme scheme in the bridge was not the tea, that rhyme scheme guarantees forced rhymes. - I would split the lines that are separated by commas to make them easier to read @Tsareena - Limbo I really loved the topic and how you handled it. I think this was a cute entry, but it lacked big lyrical punches and the race motif wasn’t strong to really carry this entry… over the finish line - “Time and us move in reverse” I’d swap “time” and “us” - “akimbo/limbo” was a mess - The rhymes in the third verse were really clunky after the second “-tion” rhyme. @8thPrince - Nowhere Wig. Loved this from top to bottom. Only real complaint is that pre-chorus felt a bit clunkier than the rest of the song (“With a perfect seal and perfect cursive handwriting”) and maybe that the rap read pretty much the same as the rest of the song but whatever, you did this. @SaintWest - Midsummer Gastrodon could NEVER. This was really really nice. I loved the emotion and how delicate this felt. My only critique really is that I think the song is a bit hyper-specific, it’s hard for the audience to relate to it entirely. I really adored this though. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - White Boy Well. This was an interesting angle to take. I definitely think it’s a legitimate point of view, but this song wasn’t fully fleshed out at all, and completely lacked song structures. I think this would’ve been a really interesting song to fully see through, but that just didn’t happen here. - “An statue” hm bump
SaintWest Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 9 minutes ago, Temporal said: @SaintWest - Midsummer Gastrodon could NEVER. This was really really nice. I loved the emotion and how delicate this felt. My only critique really is that I think the song is a bit hyper-specific, it’s hard for the audience to relate to it entirely. I really adored this though.
Temporal Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 4 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: wow you figured out how to use the @ feature I did! Have you figured out how to write reviews?
fountain Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 2 minutes ago, Temporal said: I did! Have you figured out how to write reviews? omg
fountain Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 2 minutes ago, Temporal said: I did! Have you figured out how to write reviews? omg
fountain Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 5/21 done, im amazing altho for one i just used a picture
SaintWest Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 24 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: 5/21 done, im amazing altho for one i just used a picture see u in court sweetie!!
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 53 minutes ago, Temporal said: @RihsusChrist(ATG) - White Boy Well. This was an interesting angle to take. I definitely think it’s a legitimate point of view, but this song wasn’t fully fleshed out at all, and completely lacked song structures. I think this would’ve been a really interesting song to fully see through, but that just didn’t happen here. - “An statue” hm I threw the song together in like 45Seconds ft Paul McCartney & Kanye West cause I was so busy I forgot about the game. I'm legitimately shocked it didn't have more typos. White Boy will just have to be the "interlude" on the Rihsus mixtape.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted June 8, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted June 8, 2017 1 hour ago, Temporal said: @Tsareena - Limbo I really loved the topic and how you handled it. I think this was a cute entry, but it lacked big lyrical punches and the race motif wasn’t strong to really carry this entry… over the finish line - “Time and us move in reverse” I’d swap “time” and “us” - “akimbo/limbo” was a mess - The rhymes in the third verse were really clunky after the second “-tion” rhyme. thanks for the review Temporal
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