ceremonials Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 Sorry i havent been able to get onto ATRL for more than a couple minutes this week I dont think I'll be submitting because i have literally nothing, but i might still write along with some of the rounds for fun. and will definitely stay active in this thread when i can. This round would have been so good for me, too. i might throw something together tomorrow or Saturday but no promises!
Dessy Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 That feeling when you get new inspo well after the judges have started reviewing...
Hug Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 4 hours ago, Astronomy said: me and @Hug's entries could mean anything we could belong together, Artflop chartdrop
Prisoner Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 5 hours ago, ceremonials said: Sorry i havent been able to get onto ATRL for more than a couple minutes this week I dont think I'll be submitting because i have literally nothing, but i might still write along with some of the rounds for fun. and will definitely stay active in this thread when i can. This round would have been so good for me, too. i might throw something together tomorrow or Saturday but no promises! take your time legend.
Prisoner Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 ROUND 3: POP BLISS REVIEWS PT. I Hug - "●REC" Spoiler Things I like: The concept here is really unique. I don't think I've ever read a song about making sextapes in this game before, and so this felt really fresh to me. Verse one opens the song really well. It gets right to the point and the scene portrayed is very effective. I also really like the conversational tone in the chorus. This is, all in all, a song about intimacy and I think switching the style from the verses and pre into what we have in the chorus was a really good choice. The best part of the song for me however is the pre chorus since this part really stressed even more the point about the narrator wanting to impress his co-star. Things that could improve: I think you could've gone with a different approach in the second verse. The whole thing about the narrator willing to do anything for his co-star was already emphasized (and very well too) in the chorus, so the lines about him working hard and all that felt a bit like filler. I think the song would have benefitted from this section building up on the intimate scene in verse one rather than the one we have here, which reads somewhat like an awkward transition. Conclusion: This is another solid entry from you. Your approach to writing here is pretty different from before and I love this showcase of your versatility. Thanks for including the instrumental btw <3. Favourite line(s): "I want to be a star, I was made for the role I’ll be the greatest actor that you’ve ever known" Ampersand13 - "Whisky Lips" Spoiler Things I like: This entry is one of the few entries that reads the most natural. It's what I noticed of your entries, it's very easy to imagine them being sung and it's a skill of yours I'm quite jealous of. I think starting the song with the lines '…sway in the arms…/…while I move...' was a great choice. It established the 'drunk' theme right off the start and did so without specifically mentioning alcohol, and hence started and set up the rest of the song quite nicely. I think one of the nice things about this entry is its consistency, this entry feels very smooth through most of it. Things that could improve: I feel like the bridge isn't as strong as it could be. What we have here is basically the chorus but with different wordings. I think you could've developed it like the pre choruses, use the same meter and rhyming scheme, and have it add a lot more dynamic to your song that way. Using pre choruses as the bridge works very well, and would have been better than a bridge that feels like filler. Conclusion: That opening line is one of my fave openings in this game so far. I also really like the drunken vibe you brought with this and think you did your inspiration justice. Favourite line(s): "I wanna sway in the arms of some deviant behavior While I move through the lights of a downtown bar" hurricane326 - "Constellation" Spoiler Things I like: I think your use of language is your greatest skill as you showed with your previous entries. However, with this one, the highlight isn't just on your beautiful writing, it's also seen with the concept and the narrative. I always feel like songs with space imagery often fail to live up to just how beautiful actual space is, but this entry of yours doesn't, at all. It's everything I want from a space themed song, it's beautiful, it's a bit haunting, and feels very vast and galactic, which is very hard to contain in a few stanzas of a short song. Things that could improve: If I had to say something, I'd say the 6th stanza isn't as strong as the rest. The whole song feels very 'grand' and epic and the drop in descriptive language here in the 6th stanza took me out of immersion a bit. Conclusion: This is my favourite entry from you so far and I'm just amazed at you outdoing yourself round after round considering just how high of a quality you started the 1st round with. And while I do love your previous entries, this one is even more polished and even more elevated and so, great work! Favourite line(s): "I was always taught the stars were something to aim for Not something I'd get to hold I never dreamed I'd get to hold" "And in our midst are blinding lights Brighter than all the cities back home" Aurora - “(If) I Like You” Spoiler Things I like: I really like the effort you put into this song, the internal rhymes and everything else you did here really add that extra charm to the song and made your entry really multi layered. It was so fun reading this entry over and over. There's not a section here that I dislike but I really like the pre chorus more than anything else. It's very simple and beautiful. I love your use of everyday words here to create these really nice lines that as a whole actually hold a lot of meaning behind them. The first two lines here are the best use of internal rhymes and wordplay I've seen from you yet. Things that could improve: I'm not a fan of the constant "i like that, do i like that?" and its variations at the end of every stanza in the verses. I get why you worded those lines that way but it kinda gets a bit annoying after the second time. I think saving them for just the end of the verses would have been more effective. Conclusion: This is another solid entry from you. I really really appreciate the effort you put into this like you did for "Signs", I just know this is a well thought out entry and one can always come back to this and will find new things to love about it. Favourite line(s): "I know I’m changing for a chance with you What are the chances that you’re changing too?" Gay Rat Divorce - "Thunder" Spoiler Things I like: This is a very unconventionally styled entry but I like it. The writing style here greatly represents the mental state of the narrator. That shouldn't just be the point yes, but this reads very well too so I think you perfectly depict the situation with this structure that you used. I am a big fan of the mixing of the imagery with the anxiety ridden lines like 'What’s going on?/I say, what’s going on?'. It really adds an extra dimension to the song and makes it a whole lot more relatable. Things that could improve: Not that I hate the ending (I live for abrupt endings, endings happen suddenly most of the time in real life and sometimes there's no build up to it), but the song is pretty short so it felt a bit too sudden. I think adding a verse or two more would've made the ending that much more effective. It could just be verses with the same confusion and anxiety and that'd have really made the ending lines hit that much harder. Conclusion: This is one of the standouts of this round, structurally and conceptually. I love everything to be found here, I wish it were longer though. I wholeheartedly relate to this however! Favourite line(s): "Thunder booms through my heart What the ****’s going on?" OreGuy - "life on periodt." Spoiler Things I like: This entry gives me 'Hair' vibes, it's so positive and relatable, I appreciate the message you're giving here. I love the use of the 2nd person narrative here, it's so suitable for this specific song and I think you did a good job with it. It really made me feel the song. My favourite part of your entry is the first pre chorus. I love your use of the word 'glitter' here, the fact that I can imagine it as actual tears or tears flowing down the glitter in one's face was really nice. Things that could improve: While I get why you used it, I'm not too big of a fan of the word 'periodt' in this particular entry. That is stan language and doesn't read so nice in actual writing. I think using 'period' instead of that would've made the same point and also make for a more natural read. Conclusion: I really really like the positivity you brought with this song. I feel like you channelled your inspiration really well, this reads like it could be on one of those 'Pride' playlists on spotify. Favourite line(s): "it's not over til you try wipe those glitter under your eyes" Rence - "into the distance" Spoiler Things I like: The storytelling here is so good and so immersive. The narrative progression felt very natural and I was engaged throughout. I love that you used Taylor Swift as your inspiration for this round, this entry is very her, but not only that, it's also very 'Rence' and I think you really managed to add your own essence into it and so made this song really feel like a 'Rence' song and not a Taylor song. I also love the story and your use of simple details like 'ceiling', 'bridge', 'school bell', etc. They really made the song feel real and tangible, and read like an actual story that happened in real life or like a really really good YA fiction. Things that could improve: The 'bridge' line in verse two is awkwardly phrased and so makes a forced rhyme. It should've been '...near the bridge from where we crossed' instead of the one we have and that would still have worked, even if it wouldn't rhyme. I also don't like the use of '2 a.m.', like why 2 a.m. specifically?, but I think that's just me. Conclusion: This is another extremely good entry from you. I don't even know how you do this, but you managed to top yourself round after round after round, I'm really impressed. Great work! Favourite line(s): "you chase your dreams and I look at the stars staring into the distance, wondering where you are staring into the distance, as we grow apart" firecrotch - "bitten" Spoiler Things I like: There's so much to like here. Firstly, this entry reads so very well. Everything here just flows off naturally and nothing feels forced at all. And then there's this unique style I noticed from your entries, like for example, your entry "limelight" which was a big highlight of round one for me. This one has the same charm as that but is also a whole lot better. I'm also a big fan of the 'really, really's and 'never, never's present in the song. They don't feel like filler at all and actually helped stress so well the sentiment that you're expressing here. I also really love the biblical theme to this entry. Things that could improve: I don't really get what you meant by '...is a piece' in the first pre chorus. I think the 'piece' is supposed to stand for something but there's not enough context in here to make me understand the meaning behind that line. I feel like you could've added a bit more clarity to that. Overall: I'm greatly amazed with this entry. You improved a whole lot, at least for me, and I can't wait to see what you'll bring next. Great job! Favourite line(s): "and i could never, never, never, be as good as i dream, so i'll just keep indulging in bittersweet." Astronomy - "Slag It Up" Spoiler Things I like: Yep this is very campy alright, and I love it! This entry feels so very unapologetic and reads like something that could be played during a pride parade or something. I really love the first verse and pre chorus more than anything else, they just flow so well and every single line is just colourful and wonderful. These two sections are the highlights of the song for me. Also love that Baby Z shoutout. Things that could improve: I feel like the 2nd verse isn't as strong as the first verse is. We have references like 'Ed Sheeran' and 'Bieber' to represent the straights and I feel like that was a bit random and didn't add much to the campiness of this entry. What we have in verse one was really bright and colourful and has that touch of 'class' to it while this other verse felt a bit dull and colourless. Conclusion: This is my favourite entry from you so far. It's so wild and fun and camp, I'm actually shook at this. Favourite line(s): "'Cause Straights are from Earth, And Gays are from Chromatica," @Hug @Ampersand13 @hurricane326 @Aurora @Gay Rat Divorce @OreGuy @Rence @firecrotch @Astronomy
firecrotch Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 @Prisoner Thank you - I'm really glad you liked it. You're right regarding the "is a piece" not being clarified well enough. Thanks for all the time you're putting into this game.
Prisoner Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 1 minute ago, firecrotch said: @Prisoner Thank you - I'm really glad you liked it. You're right regarding the "is a piece" not being clarified well enough. Thanks for all the time you're putting into this game. well im stanning actually! you did that!!
Hug Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 Come on positive reviews, us pop girlies did that this round! 12 minutes ago, Prisoner said: I think the song would have benefitted from this section building up on the intimate scene in verse one rather than the one we have here, which reads somewhat like an awkward transition. I think I agree with this, upon reflection. You perhaps managed to clock that the verses were the hardest for me. I wrote the first verse in such a way there there's a lot of technicality that was hard to replicate, so I just used whatever I managed to come up with, and perhaps I focused more on the technicality than the actual content (which I thought was the right move since this song isn't exactly something that can be carried on emotional value), but I think you made a great point here. I appreciate your thoughts as always legend. <3
firecrotch Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 Just now, Prisoner said: well im stanning actually! you did that!! Seriously the feedback from the first two rounds from all the judges helped soooooo much
8thPrince Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 the disadvantages of submitting last minute
ATRL Moderator Ampersand13 Posted September 25, 2020 ATRL Moderator Posted September 25, 2020 THANK YOU BABE!
Rence Posted September 26, 2020 Posted September 26, 2020 Thank you! 2 hours ago, Prisoner said: I also don't like the use of '2 a.m.', like why 2 a.m. specifically?, but I think that's just me. Oh that was just a reference to Taylor always using that specific time in her songs nnn. It's kind of iconic among swifties that's why I wanted to use it
Dessy Posted September 26, 2020 Posted September 26, 2020 3 hours ago, 8thPrince said: the disadvantages of submitting last minute Us Batch 2 girls must unite!
Auburn Posted September 26, 2020 Posted September 26, 2020 AUBURN'S REVIEWS Okay first let me say that this round is incredibly hard to rank for me, so while I have finished my reviews, I have not finalized my rankings yet. Also if anyone else submits I will just add you to the end of this. Everyone is sending good songs at this point, so much improvement and growth from before, I love to see it! Spoiler Hug - ?REC First of all, I love the graphics! Very clever. The internal rhymes in some of the lines in your verses is just *chef’s kiss*. I think overall it lacks a little bit of a personal touch, that makes it feel more real. Overall, really really great structurally though. You’re really good at that aspect of your songs. Favourite part: the bridge, as well as the internal rhymes in the verses Ampersand13 - Whiskey Lips I think this is your strongest song thus far! Really well put together, the bridge is the perfect change up and reflection of the actions described in the rest of the song. Well done. Favourite part: the pre-choruses are especially strong here wow hurricane326 - Constellation You have a way with words that is really excellent in my opinion. This is another one, however, I do think the meter in this song is kinda hard to follow and get into a groove at times. Favourite part: the last stanza Aurora - (If) I Like You This is really really amazing! I love it. Not much else to say here. Favourite part: the internal rhymes, cleverly repeated words, all that stuff, it brought it to another level Gay Rat Divorce - Thunder Okay well first I listened to Lightning, and I loved it, so thank you for this discovery! I really love your song too. Everything just feels like it fits perfectly together as one piece. Great job! Favourite part: I love the first verse OreGuy - life on periodt. I love the message of the song, but I feel like the delivery of the chorus is lacking some oomph. It’s not bad, it just needs something to really push it to that next level for me. Favourite part: verses are really strong, especially the second one Rence - into the distance Why don’t you just rip my heart out and STOMP on it, thanks! This is probably the song I’ve been the most emotionally invested in thus far. The storytelling is simply amazing! I almost shed a tear. :grimes: Favourite part: I don’t really know what to pick tbh, the repeition of the title in different ways is really amazing tho so let me choose that firecrotch - bitten This is really interesting. I like that it’s a bit experimental in the structure and syntax of the lyrics, and it still works for me. I could definitely envision Fiona writing something like this. I think this is my favourite thing from you so far! Favourite part: the stanza that starts with “anger struck me down” Astronomy - Slag It Up Loving the homage to Bag it Up, a BOP! I think this is fun and flashy and doesn’t take itself too serious, so I’m a big fan! Favourite part: “‘Cause straights are from Earth, and gays are from Chromatica” TROPICUM - Broken Soul I liked this, I can feel the inspiration you felt when writing it. I think it could have benefitted from a repeat of the chorus after the bridge though. Overall, the song does its job well, but it didn’t totally blow me away! Favourite part: Verse 2 is really great for me luckystrike - The Bar I agree that this seems very raw and emotional and in some places forgoes its poetry to get that message across. It works for me. I think the chorus is very strong, and I like the way the pre-chorus ties the chorus to the verses well. Favourite part: the bridge! Funnellegs - Light Years Apart This is simply written, but in the best way! There’s something about it that is pulling me in. All elements check the boxes here. Great job! Favourite part: the first stanza really hooked me Dessy - Blue Sky I think this is quite good, and it does serve up lots of the imagery you said it would in your description! I can envision everything you’ve written here. The only thing I wish for is that you repeated the chorus again after the bridge. Favourite part: the bridge the bridge the bridge Speezy - The Pieces Still Waits in the Room I can really imagine hearing a song with these lyrics on the radio. I especially like the chorus you’ve got here. The outro is also a nice touch. Favourite part: definitely the chorus minho - goodbye It’s a sombre feeling, yeah. I think you did well recreating the emotions of encroaching despair here. It IS a bit too short, in my opinion, but that doesn’t take away from what you have. Favourite part: last stanza whew 8thPrince - I Took a Fistful of Sand From the Beach Oh this feels so nostalgic and melancholic. This is my fave type of song! Love your imagery and descriptions. Very very excellent. Favourite part: the chorus and the way it evolves throughout the song keshaspearsxo - O I listened to your inspiration song before I read your song. Another great discovery from this round so thanks for that! Moving on to your entry, I am very grateful that you sent this. Personally I find vulnerability one of the most beautiful things to experience from someone else so when coupled with your talent it really takes a great form. I love this. Favourite part: the last few lines really sent it home for me Spoiler @Hug @Ampersand13 @hurricane326 @Aurora @Gay Rat Divorce @OreGuy @Rence @firecrotch @Astronomy @TROPICUM @luckystrike @funnellegs @Dessy @Speezy @minho @8thPrince @keshaspearsxo
ATRL Moderator Ampersand13 Posted September 26, 2020 ATRL Moderator Posted September 26, 2020 @Auburn thank you so much!
8thPrince Posted September 26, 2020 Posted September 26, 2020 @Auburn thank you for the review! --- reading all the reviews this round seems really even
Auburn Posted September 26, 2020 Posted September 26, 2020 47 minutes ago, Rence said: Yup we're streaming Janet today PERIOD. EVERYDAY. #1 CONFIRMED!
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