tournament ? DIAMOND HIT ? Farewell / Next Season Announcement pg.328 ?

[Citrus]

1 hour ago, SaintWest said:

I...honestly don't even know how to respond to any of this.

 

I don't think given the verses, jazz/cab and scotch/got are at all forced, especially considering how they're used isn't a reach. I think they fit naturally into the verses. And I didn't use the word enigma because of the round name, I used it because that fits the character being described. Would you not agree he's an inscrutable or mysterious person? A person who is hard to understand or explain? I also think it describes a lot of characters found in film noir films - they're generally known as being shady, mysterious and mischevious, or enigmatic. I don't think it's a weird word to use in a song - certainly no weirder than a lot of the mouthfuls I see submitted in this game.

 

“The girls begin to sing when he tugs at their heartstrings” is just way too long and so awkward." The chorus as a whole is long, yes, but these lines aren't independently long. Could they be shorter, yes, but my verses in this song were never longer than anything submitted last round that placed Top 3. I get if you had said the chorus was long, or it was too many long lines in one spot - I would understand that. But just saying that one line is too long doesn't give me much to go off of.

 

"AND, in verse 1 it says that his lover/wife would smell the scotch, yet he’s going home scotch-free now?" Yes...that was the point. It was a play on words. Maybe you didn't like it, maybe you didn't understand it, you weren't really clear in your comment so I don't really know how to respond to that.

 

"And technicolor has no place here. It’s a weird adjective and actual film noir movies were almost all in black and white. "  In the world of cinema, after the black and white, or film noir era of movies ended, "technicolor" was always used to describe something glorious or greater than normal. So, what I was going for was the idea that in her world (even though yes, it was in "black and white") she saw him as being this glorious, technicolor dreamboat, and he'd pretend to be so until nightfall when he'd shed that ideal image to become this mysterious, film noir like character.

 

I've never argued a review before, an I get you don't like the chorus, that's understandable and has been the general consensus, but I think this fell outside of being constructive, and just came off as unnecessarily rude because you didn't like it as a whole. I'm not saying you had to like the concept or the song, but saying things like "This feels like a troll entry designed to be cloyingly bad and off. Like if Jpow’s Magnum Opus was about movies and was written by someone who only sorta knows what they’re talking about." doesn't help me improve. I would hope that none of the judges would think this far into the game I'd be submitting troll entries. I mean, I work on my entry from the moment the round is posted, whereas people brag about starting 20 minutes before the deadline? Or "Oh, you consciously made the choice to do that? Okay girl." Stuff like this was pretty consistent and just felt like you didn't really care since you didn't like the song, so you just decided to tell me in different ways how little of a fan you were. And especially looking at how constructive you were with other songs this round, it just felt unbalanced for you to give me such a poorly delivered review.

 

"Like if Jpow’s Magnum Opus was about movies and was written by someone who only sorta knows what they’re talking about." Well I hope I'd know something, considering I am a film major.

 

I appreciate your review, and I know there's not really much I can do at this point, so if my song really deserved a 2, then I'm cool with it. I'll just sit back and wait until results.

 

 

Jazz/cab may have fit the spirit of the song but the rhymes felt shoehorned into the lines, if that makes sense. Like you thought "Cab would be a great rhyme here" and then wrote a line to match it. You're allowed to disagree with me there, because everyone has a different opinion on what is and isn't forced. Enigmatic, and most adjectives longer than 3 syllables honestly, is just too non-conversational to fit into most songs. I think using kinda stranger words requires the entire song to be in that vein, or else it feels thesaurus'd in. 

 

The sing/heartstring line may not be the longest in terms of syllables, but it feels like a mouthful (similar to what I told corsola about finding words that don't break the flow). Begin and tug (the hard g) are what kinda split the line up and make it feel longer for me.

 

For the scotch, I understood it as, in Verse 1, he avoids his wife because she'll smell the Scotch on him. I guess I don't understand why he's going home without smelling like scotch later on. I thought the scotch and other women went hand in hand.

 

TBH I really love the usage of technicolor now that you've explained it, but I don't think I'll be the only judge to have missed that. Like with 8th's maple tree, it's good and bad to use really obscure (even if accurate) references. I wouldn't have minded it if the word itself didn't seem to break up the line a tad. But like I said, don't mind it as much now that you've laid it out.

 

I wasn't trying to personally assassinate your character, but I guess my making side comments was just a byproduct of being dissatisfied. If you see in Drag Race or I guess somewhat in Jackson's reviews, I'm a little meaner to people I know well. Aka I thought we were close enough where I could drag you, but it's my bad if not. I guess if I had to give more directional advice, I'd say to make sure that your songs are accessible to people outside the field. I ran into this problem when I wrote a song about horror movies (also my chorus was basic af). Also, see if a rhythm naturally comes out when you read the song aloud, not to a beat at all. A well-constructed song should move fairly easily off your tongue without a whole lot of uncomfortable or unintended pauses/moments where lines extend beyond where they should. 

 

Is that a little better?

[Citrus]

43 minutes ago, Jackson said:

All of my insecurities and fears have to do with religion and relationships though   is this what you felt like when we tried to make you write an angry song last season? 

Have you tried writing about college scholarships?

[swiftie13]

@funnellegs @Aurora @ughgabriel

 

Round 8 Reviews Part I

 

funnellegs 

 

“x with a side of x,” is never a good way to begin a serious song as that phrase is associated with lighter, cheesy things. In general, it opened up a little to vaguely, there wasn’t any enticing language or storytelling that pulls the reader in. It feels very cliche. Also, the pre chorus has no rhyme scheme what so ever so structurally, it gets rocky. Even lines that could have been clever show poor execution such as, “the sky is empty like your glass that needs refilling.” that’s clunky but the idea is brilliant. At this point in the game, you should definitely be wary of such mistakes, especially on lines with so much potential that could elevate your entry. Your tenses get weird in the chorus and because it’s such an important (and repeated) part of the song, it sticks out badly. “Because even when love smothers it couldn’t suffocate.” Again, I love what this line could have been but its awkward phrasing and tense issues (should be can’t not couldn’t or smothered not smothers) make it fall flat. You do that throughout the entry. Fix your phrasing, make it less clunky and more effortless and your writing will excel because the ideas are there. Verse two is just as lacking as the first but at least there was consistent imagery. The bridge begins nicely but the “[…[ or […] or […],” was such a poor choice, it feels very amateur and list-like rather than lyrical. There was some substance overall, and emotionally it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t convincing enough.

 

Aurora 

 

I read gabe’s description thinking it was for your song and for a while, I sat there trying to figure out in the hell a mountain was a metaphor for how the US government views all Mexicans as criminals. ANYWAY.

 

This was an out-of-the-box concept indeed! While I appreciate that, it felt emotionally lacking despite your best efforts to personify a mountain. Maybe if there was more context, but a lot of it just felt like pretty language. “A mountain seeks its refuge / from the world outside its realm / Enshrouded by the flora / as the winding rivers sing,” is a perfect example of that. Overall, the diction felt far too thesaurus-driven instead of effortless and lyrical. The first verse makes it seem like the mountain wants to be alone, “ [it] seeks its refuge from the world outside […],” but you contradict that with “[it] calls for company,” in the next stanza and the refrain so it feels confused, at least initially. If I’m misunderstanding, forgive me (and please explain if need be). The refrain is really cute. It flows well and the simplicity is welcoming as it opposes the sometimes overbearing language of the verses. Verse 2, more specifically the first stanza, felt more Dr. Seuss-like than the narrator in the first verse. It’s not a bad thing in and of itself but some consistency is lacking. The middle 8 is linguistically thrilling and it doesn’t feel as superficial as other parts did. You’re an excellent writer but this doesn’t scream “songwriting” as much as it could. Nonetheless, I love your strengths and I did enjoy this entry a lot even if my review doesn’t reflect that all too well!

 

ughgabriel 

 

Quite obviously, I can relate to this and I think that might make it more difficult for you to please me whether that’s fair or not. Anyway, it started off pretty good, nothing groundbreaking but enough to introduce a concept. The stressing felt a little off, but that’s always a minor issue for me. I love the word Tijuana, maybe because it’s so symbolic but it has great poetic quality to it and it doesn’t sound strange in song form. It automatically adds an atmosphere, a mood, a unique specificity that elevates songs. There were a couple word choices and phrasing here and there that felt awkward and inconsistent or jarring when looking at the entry as a whole. For example, “[t]his town was the core of disorder,” and “[o]nce born inside the vortex.” Try simplifying the language here because they feel out of place and forced. That is especially true when considering your blunt take on murder and rape, which I applaud. This song definitely feels more direct and some pretty language takes away from that. Be more aggressive. The pre chorus a great transition. I love the newspaper line, it has a lot of depth to it. The God line reminds me of one of my own songs from PH8 where I talk about a dystopia where God does’t care to visit anymore. Obviously, I love the implications behind that saying, it’s a powerful statement, especially in such a Catholic region like Mexico. The chorus felt like a good summary/backbone for the piece which is important. I love the back to back punch of, “Without the aid of the stars / You could run from Tijuana / But you won’t get that far.” Overall, I feel honored to share a cultural background with such a talented writer like yourself. This was wonderful yet again, Horsfavoritemexican.

Edited February 22, 2017 by swiftie13

[swiftie13]

1 hour ago, Truffle. said:

when does platinum hit 11x start

asking for a friend

you're gonna be banned anyway sis

[Truffle.]

3 minutes ago, swiftie13 said:

you're gonna be banned anyway sis

im coming for first place heathen!

 

[swiftie13]

The first to go, yes.

[ughgabriel]

Thank you @swiftie13 your review was really helpful I will try to be more aggressive/objective with what I'm trying to convey 

[swiftie13]

 

9 minutes ago, ughgabriel said:

Thank you @swiftie13 your review was really helpful I will try to be more aggressive/objective with what I'm trying to convey 

shade the other judges DOWN

Edited February 22, 2017 by swiftie13

[Jackson]

26 minutes ago, swiftie13 said:

I read gabe’s description thinking it was for your song and for a while, I sat there trying to figure out in the hell a mountain was a metaphor for how the US government views all Mexicans as criminals. ANYWAY.

HA, there's my 3/3. Huga doesn't count because he reviewed so long ago he's on another level 

[Jackson]

30 minutes ago, Citrus said:

Have you tried writing about college scholarships?

WOAH, I'm not ready to dig quite that deep yet :( 

[ceremonials]

Just now, swiftie13 said:

@funnellegs @Aurora @ughgabriel

 

Round 8 Reviews Part I

 

funnellegs 

 

“x with a side of x,” is never a good way to begin a serious song as that phrase is associated with lighter, cheesy things. In general, it opened up a little to vaguely, there wasn’t any enticing language or storytelling that pulls the reader in. It feels very cliche. Also, the pre chorus has no rhyme scheme what so ever so structurally, it gets rocky. Even lines that could have been clever show poor execution such as, “the sky is empty like your glass that needs refilling.” that’s clunky but the idea is brilliant. At this point in the game, you should definitely be wary of such mistakes, especially on lines with so much potential that could elevate your entry. Your tenses get weird in the chorus and because it’s such an important (and repeated) part of the song, it sticks out badly. “Because even when love smothers it couldn’t suffocate.” Again, I love what this line could have been but its awkward phrasing and tense issues (should be can’t not couldn’t or smothered not smothers) make it fall flat. You do that throughout the entry. Fix your phrasing, make it less clunky and more effortless and your writing will excel because the ideas are there. Verse two is just as lacking as the first but at least there was consistent imagery. The bridge begins nicely but the “[…[ or […] or […],” was such a poor choice, it feels very amateur and list-like rather than lyrical. There was some substance overall, and emotionally it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t convincing enough.

 

Aurora 

 

I read gabe’s description thinking it was for your song and for a while, I sat there trying to figure out in the hell a mountain was a metaphor for how the US government views all Mexicans as criminals. ANYWAY.

 

This was an out-of-the-box concept indeed! While I appreciate that, it felt emotionally lacking despite your best efforts to personify a mountain. Maybe if there was more context, but a lot of it just felt like pretty language. “A mountain seeks its refuge / from the world outside its realm / Enshrouded by the flora / as the winding rivers sing,” is a perfect example of that. Overall, the diction felt far too thesaurus-driven instead of effortless and lyrical. The first verse makes it seem like the mountain wants to be alone, “ [it] seeks its refuge from the world outside […],” but you contradict that with “[it] calls for company,” in the next stanza and the refrain so it feels confused, at least initially. If I’m misunderstanding, forgive me (and please explain if need be). The refrain is really cute. It flows well and the simplicity is welcoming as it opposes the sometimes overbearing language of the verses. Verse 2, more specifically the first stanza, felt more Dr. Seuss-like than the narrator in the first verse. It’s not a bad thing in and of itself but some consistency is lacking. The middle 8 is linguistically thrilling and it doesn’t feel as superficial as other parts did. You’re an excellent writer but this doesn’t scream “songwriting” as much as it could. Nonetheless, I love your strengths and I did enjoy this entry a lot even if my review doesn’t reflect that all too well!

 

ughgabriel 

 

Quite obviously, I can relate to this and I think that might make it more difficult for you to please me whether that’s fair or not. Anyway, it started off pretty good, nothing groundbreaking but enough to introduce a concept. The stressing felt a little off, but that’s always a minor issue for me. I love the word Tijuana, maybe because it’s so symbolic but it has great poetic quality to it and it doesn’t sound strange in song form. It automatically adds an atmosphere, a mood, a unique specificity that elevates songs. There were a couple word choices and phrasing here and there that felt awkward and inconsistent or jarring when looking at the entry as a whole. For example, “[t]his town was the core of disorder,” and “[o]nce born inside the vortex.” Try simplifying the language here because they feel out of place and forced. That is especially true when considering your blunt take on murder and rape, which I applaud. This song definitely feels more direct and some pretty language takes away from that. Be more aggressive. The pre chorus a great transition. I love the newspaper line, it has a lot of depth to it. The God line reminds me of one of my own songs from PH8 where I talk about a dystopia where God does’t care to visit anymore. Obviously, I love the implications behind that saying, it’s a powerful statement, especially in such a Catholic region like Mexico. The chorus felt like a good summary/backbone for the piece which is important. I love the back to back punch of, “Without the aid of the stars / You could run from Tijuana / But you won’t get that far.” Overall, I feel honored to share a cultural background with such a talented writer like yourself. This was wonderful yet again, Horsfavoritemexican.

am i the next one

[ughgabriel]

2 minutes ago, swiftie13 said:

 

shade the other judges DOWN

Well Citrus was really helpful too! Hug already gave me some advice and I'm still waiting on Hunter, but yeah you basically told me what you want me to do on my future entries and that's kinda what I wanted  

[swiftie13]

7 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

am i the next one

yes, your review is done, just one more for the next batch!

[swiftie13]

poor jackson and 8th, I'm gonna have dinner before I review yours.

[swiftie13]

46 minutes ago, swiftie13 said:

@funnellegs @Aurora @ughgabriel

 

Round 8 Reviews Part I

 

funnellegs 

 

“x with a side of x,” is never a good way to begin a serious song as that phrase is associated with lighter, cheesy things. In general, it opened up a little to vaguely, there wasn’t any enticing language or storytelling that pulls the reader in. It feels very cliche. Also, the pre chorus has no rhyme scheme what so ever so structurally, it gets rocky. Even lines that could have been clever show poor execution such as, “the sky is empty like your glass that needs refilling.” that’s clunky but the idea is brilliant. At this point in the game, you should definitely be wary of such mistakes, especially on lines with so much potential that could elevate your entry. Your tenses get weird in the chorus and because it’s such an important (and repeated) part of the song, it sticks out badly. “Because even when love smothers it couldn’t suffocate.” Again, I love what this line could have been but its awkward phrasing and tense issues (should be can’t not couldn’t or smothered not smothers) make it fall flat. You do that throughout the entry. Fix your phrasing, make it less clunky and more effortless and your writing will excel because the ideas are there. Verse two is just as lacking as the first but at least there was consistent imagery. The bridge begins nicely but the “[…[ or […] or […],” was such a poor choice, it feels very amateur and list-like rather than lyrical. There was some substance overall, and emotionally it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t convincing enough.

 

Aurora 

 

I read gabe’s description thinking it was for your song and for a while, I sat there trying to figure out in the hell a mountain was a metaphor for how the US government views all Mexicans as criminals. ANYWAY.

 

This was an out-of-the-box concept indeed! While I appreciate that, it felt emotionally lacking despite your best efforts to personify a mountain. Maybe if there was more context, but a lot of it just felt like pretty language. “A mountain seeks its refuge / from the world outside its realm / Enshrouded by the flora / as the winding rivers sing,” is a perfect example of that. Overall, the diction felt far too thesaurus-driven instead of effortless and lyrical. The first verse makes it seem like the mountain wants to be alone, “ [it] seeks its refuge from the world outside […],” but you contradict that with “[it] calls for company,” in the next stanza and the refrain so it feels confused, at least initially. If I’m misunderstanding, forgive me (and please explain if need be). The refrain is really cute. It flows well and the simplicity is welcoming as it opposes the sometimes overbearing language of the verses. Verse 2, more specifically the first stanza, felt more Dr. Seuss-like than the narrator in the first verse. It’s not a bad thing in and of itself but some consistency is lacking. The middle 8 is linguistically thrilling and it doesn’t feel as superficial as other parts did. You’re an excellent writer but this doesn’t scream “songwriting” as much as it could. Nonetheless, I love your strengths and I did enjoy this entry a lot even if my review doesn’t reflect that all too well!

 

ughgabriel 

 

Quite obviously, I can relate to this and I think that might make it more difficult for you to please me whether that’s fair or not. Anyway, it started off pretty good, nothing groundbreaking but enough to introduce a concept. The stressing felt a little off, but that’s always a minor issue for me. I love the word Tijuana, maybe because it’s so symbolic but it has great poetic quality to it and it doesn’t sound strange in song form. It automatically adds an atmosphere, a mood, a unique specificity that elevates songs. There were a couple word choices and phrasing here and there that felt awkward and inconsistent or jarring when looking at the entry as a whole. For example, “[t]his town was the core of disorder,” and “[o]nce born inside the vortex.” Try simplifying the language here because they feel out of place and forced. That is especially true when considering your blunt take on murder and rape, which I applaud. This song definitely feels more direct and some pretty language takes away from that. Be more aggressive. The pre chorus a great transition. I love the newspaper line, it has a lot of depth to it. The God line reminds me of one of my own songs from PH8 where I talk about a dystopia where God does’t care to visit anymore. Obviously, I love the implications behind that saying, it’s a powerful statement, especially in such a Catholic region like Mexico. The chorus felt like a good summary/backbone for the piece which is important. I love the back to back punch of, “Without the aid of the stars / You could run from Tijuana / But you won’t get that far.” Overall, I feel honored to share a cultural background with such a talented writer like yourself. This was wonderful yet again, Horsfavoritemexican.

ROUND 8 REVIEWS  PT. II

ceremonials 

 

Okay. This COULD HAVE BEEN SO GREAT. I honestly don’t know what was missing, it just felt like this was a rough 15 minute start to a song that eventually became so much more with more clever revising. However, I do appreciate the flow. It helps pace the encounter that is happening. The first verse set up a hope but the chorus, let me down. That being said, the titular phrase was such a nice conclusion to its parent part. It adds ~vibes that I wish you would have explored more in this song. The post chorus carried that vibe as well, like 80s synth pop but less pop girl and more stylish. Almost CHVRCHES-like. It could have been more dance centric. I don’t necessarily mean literally but your lyrics could have showcased that playful urgency a lot better. Some phrases like “she has him by the neck,” and “she wants to see you on your knees,” among others just didn’t work for me. I really wish I could properly describe why this song was just a hair away from being a fantastic BOP, but it missed. Maybe because I wanted this to be a CHVRCHES bop and their writing is top notch. However, thanks for shaking things up! It was nice to read a lighter song this week.

 

SaintWest

 

Very nice concept. I like the approach you took. However, as much as I champion for specifics and vivid imagery, at times this felt oversaturated with those things that it almost feels like a parody. One brilliant move was the inclusion of scotch throughout the entry. It glued the piece together quite nicely and it just felt like a punch every time. The chorus was a MESS. First of all, the inclusion of the word “enigmatic” was a wrong choice. It was too obvious of a word choice. You tried including a lot of ideas and details but it became crowded quickly and “[…] ‘Sure, my name’s Estelle, now let’s get to the hotel,” was so unintentionally funny. It gave me bad Lana Del Rey vibes. There were a couple lines that worked, but overall it let this entry down. The second verse was the strongest part of this entry. The flow, the language, it all fit well together and wasn’t contrived. I have mixed feelings about the bridge, but it certainly did not help with the quasi-parody mood. It was a unique concept and definitely vivid, qualities I will never underapprecaite so rest easy, I’m just being nit picky but this wasn’t bad.

 

Corsola

 

I love the concept. Satire is one of my favorite styles and it’s hard to pull off without sounding contrived or amateur-ish. This entry for the most part lacked that shrewd edge to make it work. Instead, many of the lines fell flat and it became awkward to read. I feel so bad coming for a song about such an important issue but this felt vey list-like and even preachy. The stressing is also a mess so the conversational tone you seem to be going for is ruined. Some lines were far too blunt, “and promote a false sense of what’s normal,” and some lines were clunky and unlyrical “But don’t tell clients they’ll lose their brain.” By the way, is there supposed to be a comma after “clients,” cause that line read so terribly. Overall, there as so much polishing left to do. This felt like a very rough draft.

 

[ceremonials]

Yeah, I wrote my song in like 20 minutes and I usually take, like, 2ish hours, so it was pretty unpolished. thx hor

[Temporal]

1 hour ago, Jackson said:

DYING at 3/3 judges thinking Aurora wrote his song about Mexico  

 

I did for a moment but I didn't publish my review thinking that unlike SOME people

[ughgabriel]

3 minutes ago, Corsola said:

It was a fun first season and hopefully I can come back S11 a lot more polished since I feel like this was just the very beginning of my writing and I was still experimenting and finding myself. And considering I thought I wouldn't make it past round 2 when I first joined, I'm happy I made it this far  

I don't think you should count youself out yet :( 

[ceremonials]

so when r results

[Temporal]

@ughgabriel I haven't forgotten to give you more advice I'm just v busy right now, tomorrow at the latest!

[ughgabriel]

Just now, Temporal said:

@ughgabriel I haven't forgotten to give you more advice I'm just v busy right now, tomorrow at the latest!

Thank you, I do understand! Take your time  

[Jackson]

I might ask the judges for more advice in two rounds and then pander, but next round is gonna be a write what I want round 

[fountain]

19 minutes ago, Jackson said:

I might ask the judges for more advice in two rounds and then pander, but next round is gonna be a write what I want round 

Who says you're making it?

[Temporal]

27 minutes ago, Jackson said:

I might ask the judges for more advice in two rounds and then pander, but next round is gonna be a write what I want round 

Can't wait to drag you for not having any water imagery and using perfect rhymes   

[fountain]

1 hour ago, swiftie13 said:

@funnellegs @Aurora @ughgabriel

 

Round 8 Reviews Part I

 

funnellegs 

 

“x with a side of x,” is never a good way to begin a serious song as that phrase is associated with lighter, cheesy things. In general, it opened up a little to vaguely, there wasn’t any enticing language or storytelling that pulls the reader in. It feels very cliche. Also, the pre chorus has no rhyme scheme what so ever so structurally, it gets rocky. Even lines that could have been clever show poor execution such as, “the sky is empty like your glass that needs refilling.” that’s clunky but the idea is brilliant. At this point in the game, you should definitely be wary of such mistakes, especially on lines with so much potential that could elevate your entry. Your tenses get weird in the chorus and because it’s such an important (and repeated) part of the song, it sticks out badly. “Because even when love smothers it couldn’t suffocate.” Again, I love what this line could have been but its awkward phrasing and tense issues (should be can’t not couldn’t or smothered not smothers) make it fall flat. You do that throughout the entry. Fix your phrasing, make it less clunky and more effortless and your writing will excel because the ideas are there. Verse two is just as lacking as the first but at least there was consistent imagery. The bridge begins nicely but the “[…[ or […] or […],” was such a poor choice, it feels very amateur and list-like rather than lyrical. There was some substance overall, and emotionally it wasn’t bad but it wasn’t convincing enough.

 

Aurora 

 

I read gabe’s description thinking it was for your song and for a while, I sat there trying to figure out in the hell a mountain was a metaphor for how the US government views all Mexicans as criminals. ANYWAY.

 

This was an out-of-the-box concept indeed! While I appreciate that, it felt emotionally lacking despite your best efforts to personify a mountain. Maybe if there was more context, but a lot of it just felt like pretty language. “A mountain seeks its refuge / from the world outside its realm / Enshrouded by the flora / as the winding rivers sing,” is a perfect example of that. Overall, the diction felt far too thesaurus-driven instead of effortless and lyrical. The first verse makes it seem like the mountain wants to be alone, “ [it] seeks its refuge from the world outside […],” but you contradict that with “[it] calls for company,” in the next stanza and the refrain so it feels confused, at least initially. If I’m misunderstanding, forgive me (and please explain if need be). The refrain is really cute. It flows well and the simplicity is welcoming as it opposes the sometimes overbearing language of the verses. Verse 2, more specifically the first stanza, felt more Dr. Seuss-like than the narrator in the first verse. It’s not a bad thing in and of itself but some consistency is lacking. The middle 8 is linguistically thrilling and it doesn’t feel as superficial as other parts did. You’re an excellent writer but this doesn’t scream “songwriting” as much as it could. Nonetheless, I love your strengths and I did enjoy this entry a lot even if my review doesn’t reflect that all too well!

 

ughgabriel 

 

Quite obviously, I can relate to this and I think that might make it more difficult for you to please me whether that’s fair or not. Anyway, it started off pretty good, nothing groundbreaking but enough to introduce a concept. The stressing felt a little off, but that’s always a minor issue for me. I love the word Tijuana, maybe because it’s so symbolic but it has great poetic quality to it and it doesn’t sound strange in song form. It automatically adds an atmosphere, a mood, a unique specificity that elevates songs. There were a couple word choices and phrasing here and there that felt awkward and inconsistent or jarring when looking at the entry as a whole. For example, “[t]his town was the core of disorder,” and “[o]nce born inside the vortex.” Try simplifying the language here because they feel out of place and forced. That is especially true when considering your blunt take on murder and rape, which I applaud. This song definitely feels more direct and some pretty language takes away from that. Be more aggressive. The pre chorus a great transition. I love the newspaper line, it has a lot of depth to it. The God line reminds me of one of my own songs from PH8 where I talk about a dystopia where God does’t care to visit anymore. Obviously, I love the implications behind that saying, it’s a powerful statement, especially in such a Catholic region like Mexico. The chorus felt like a good summary/backbone for the piece which is important. I love the back to back punch of, “Without the aid of the stars / You could run from Tijuana / But you won’t get that far.” Overall, I feel honored to share a cultural background with such a talented writer like yourself. This was wonderful yet again, Horsfavoritemexican.

post them all as one when you're finished later plz