Jackson Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 If I read another canzione of dying, I will kill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 1. @funnellegs - Youth There was a sense of genuine emotion here, but unfortunately, I didn’t gel with this at all. There were essentially no sequential thought processes here as you hopped from one line to the other when they didn’t seem to lead into each other. This felt much more like a large collection of fragments doing their own things than a song working together. - “don’t tell me that this silence isn’t overgrown” so so so so forced, “breathe/leave” was quite forced as well (perfect rhymes almost never sound NOT forced) - “My wasted youth is so hard to forget, / but the times with you are harder to regret.” I think switching “forget” and “regret” would make more sense albeit tweaking the first line a bit 2. @ceremonials - Isabella I agree with paula13, this read much more like a suicide note. On top of that, there wasn’t nearly as much emotional punch as this could’ve had; I was kind of surprised because it didn’t really make me feel anything. The language and style were dry; I needed some more imagery or some bolder lines and couplets to latch on to. It was just far too conversational, especially considering it’s an entry from you. I didn’t hate this, I just found it to be pretty middling. - “With you resting in my arms, when your eyes first open” I THINK “open” needs to be “opened”, that line just rubbed me the wrong way with the tense - “I hope someday I find this and it's all I ever need” future tense so it should be “I’ll” - Why are you telling your daughter to say these things to her father/your lover when you’re still alive? Why not just write to him if you want to leave him something? Talk to him yourself now you lazy bitch. - The chorus was definitely the weakest part, it read as almost devoid of emotion. I think you're tapped out on the death songs for a bit! 3. @Corsola - Drip Drop Well, you’ll be elated to read that I enjoyed this. I liked the concept a lot, and it definitely served Melanie Martinez. My main issues were that some lines were kinda mundane which was mostly due to you writing around a rhyme. You could argue that it’s just because you’re writing from the perspective of a child, but I still think that you could’ve pushed yourself a bit more in some places. - “Her words burn like the hottest flames” this lyric is just safe because the simile is so obvious. We all know that flames burn, lead me to somewhere I wouldn’t think of instead. - “And I think, ''will my mom ever say that?’’ This was weird because it was the only line in the verse that didn’t rhyme and it wasn’t worth breaking the pattern over. - The bridge was a slay sans “began/land” 4. @Aurora - Poles Apart This served S7 Sam so hard Your vocabulary was so creative and the lines were so witty. There were a number of instances where it wasn’t very practical, but I enjoyed an overwhelming majority of this so I was still slayed. 5. @ughgabriel - Prolouge / Epilouge Not you writing a 10 minute song :deadbanana: In a way, this was your magnum opus, in another way it was falling apart at the seams. Thankfully I think it learned more towards the former, but especially in the Epilogue, you kept construing these lines into these really awkward messes which really nerved the slayage. I would’ve been willing to overlook the over the top and often senseless imagery if that was tighter. This was still a really excellent entry, and I appreciate that you took as long as you needed to fit your creative needs, but if you were to rewrite this piece say for the finale, it definitely could use condensing and revision. - The different stressing of “eternally alert” and “hopelessly hurt” hurt me - “both / accomplish our oath” quite forced - “By the quicksand I was drowned” you literally mauled this sentence - “To the breathing of your last” last WHAT, I know that “breath” is implied in a way, but this was another instance of you writing a non practical sentence to fit the rhyme scheme you created. YOU are in charge of the rhyme scheme, not the other way around! 2 minutes ago, Jackson said: If I read another canzione of dying, I will kill Close, I misspelled "canzone" which is "song" lol. "Mi uccederò" is literally "I will kill myself" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 wait had you not started reviews yet? i thot you already did some? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 1 minute ago, Jackson said: wait had you not started reviews yet? i thot you already did some? lol nope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 to be fair it was supposed to be conversational, the whole thing is supposed to be a letter. the way I might actually get eliminated. Citrus - Mixed/Negative Temporal - Mixed Hor - Mixed/Positive Hug - Mixed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 are we even doing eliminations this round Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) the @Corsola acclaim Edited February 15, 2017 by SaintWest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: are we even doing eliminations this round yes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Just now, Temporal said: are we even doing eliminations this round i think it was supposed to be 2 but since kunst quit it's just 1? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 oh yeah im supposed to read jpow's entry after he quit for 5 minutes lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 oh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citrus Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 OH I'm sorry yall thought I sent scores. Will send them when I get home in like 20 minutes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Two more entries left Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citrus Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Sent in my scores. If I post hints will anyone actually try to decipher them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintWest Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 1 minute ago, Citrus said: Sent in my scores. If I post hints will anyone actually try to decipher them Yes but I already know my placement is gonna be at the bottom so what's the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citrus Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 fine, **** y'all too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 dub Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 9 minutes ago, Citrus said: Sent in my scores. If I post hints will anyone actually try to decipher them love you bb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 1. @Jackson - Bottle I thought the concept was excellent and you executed it really well. This whole song felt really natural and relaxed like a real song. Simple but effective! - Total nitpick but I wouldn’t describe a bite as “gripping” - “I hope you hold them back the way I always wished you might” make it “you’ll” fatty - The second verse confused me with the “though you see it in my face” since that one stanza seems to be the only place where you two are together. I think you could’ve made the distinction between you being by yourself and you being with him a little bit stronger, but I did get the message anyways (I think) so even that wasn’t a critical issue. 2. @SaintWest - Oblivion Fff this wasn’t that bad. Rushed for sure, but far from terrible. This song was maybe a little bit below the bar of the Top 10 (9) but yeah. Not bad. - The verses were really confusing with the jump between the third and fourth lines of every stanza - “That day you fell, I fell with you” eeeeek this rubbed me the wrong way. In handling this topic you should keep yourself at arm’s distance from it rather than calling it out like this. - The verses were pretty bland sans the 2nd stanza of the 2nd verse where you seemed more engaged with the specificities of the piece 3. @jpow - Thief I agree with Huga, this entry is way weaker than it should be at this point in the competition. The idea of being a thief and stealing someone’s heart is so tired, and there were lots of other cliche’s here too (“You left me ripping down the walls / You left me breaking down it all” and “You have a heart of gold”). I just wasn’t captured or affected by anything here. The brevity of the entry also exacerbated the lack of substance. You can do better, and hopefully you’ll get another week to show that. 4. @8thPrince - Signs Biggest issue for me were the verses. They read far more like poems than parts of the song. Quote You strolled right into my heart, hanging up your hat and coat Lighting up a thick cigar, puffing out black rings of smoke Feet up on the ottoman, you say “give the word, I’ll go” I can see it being sung, but some of the vocabulary - namely "ottoman" - is just a bit... odd for a song lyric. The verses are also structured so differently from the rest of the song in terms of lengths of the lines as well. Aside from that, I think the song could've used more development since the final stanza kind of left me wanting a bit more, but this entry was still good, lots of smart lyricism regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 https://www.dubtrack.fm/join/platinumhitz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 5 minutes ago, Temporal said: 1. @Jackson - Bottle I thought the concept was excellent and you executed it really well. This whole song felt really natural and relaxed like a real song. Simple but effective! - Total nitpick but I wouldn’t describe a bite as “gripping” - “I hope you hold them back the way I always wished you might” make it “you’ll” fatty - The second verse confused me with the “though you see it in my face” since that one stanza seems to be the only place where you two are together. I think you could’ve made the distinction between you being by yourself and you being with him a little bit stronger, but I did get the message anyways (I think) so even that wasn’t a critical issue. 2. @SaintWest - Oblivion Fff this wasn’t that bad. Rushed for sure, but far from terrible. This song was maybe a little bit below the bar of the Top 10 (9) but yeah. Not bad. - The verses were really confusing with the jump between the third and fourth lines of every stanza - “That day you fell, I fell with you” eeeeek this rubbed me the wrong way. In handling this topic you should keep yourself at arm’s distance from it rather than calling it out like this. - The verses were pretty bland sans the 2nd stanza of the 2nd verse where you seemed more engaged with the specificities of the piece 3. @jpow - Thief I agree with Huga, this entry is way weaker than it should be at this point in the competition. The idea of being a thief and stealing someone’s heart is so tired, and there were lots of other cliche’s here too (“You left me ripping down the walls / You left me breaking down it all” and “You have a heart of gold”). I just wasn’t captured or affected by anything here. The brevity of the entry also exacerbated the lack of substance. You can do better, and hopefully you’ll get another week to show that. 4. @8thPrince - Signs Biggest issue for me were the verses. They read far more like poems than parts of the song. I can see it being sung, but some of the vocabulary - namely "ottoman" - is just a bit... odd for a song lyric. The verses are also structured so differently from the rest of the song in terms of lengths of the lines as well. Aside from that, I think the song could've used more development since the final stanza kind of left me wanting a bit more, but this entry was still good, lots of smart lyricism regardless. le bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 thanks for the acclaim hunty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 @Hug @Temporal @Aurora @ceremonials @ughgabriel @SaintWest @Gastrodonatella @8thPrince @keshaspearsxo @jpow @swiftie13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Temporal Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 maybe, i'm absolutely swamped with things to do right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 not yout aging me when I'm already there f Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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