touya kinomoto Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 4 minutes ago, Jackson said: sis if you just submitted you'd probably make it thanks to everyone not submitting Idk I'm more than a day late. And you might just get frustrated with what I came up with.
Jackson Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 3 minutes ago, KatyCatPH said: Idk I'm more than a day late. And you might just get frustrated with what I came up with. the only thing i get frustated with is quitters xo
touya kinomoto Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 2 minutes ago, Jackson said: the only thing i get frustated with is quitters xo Oh no! Forgive me love. Can't afford you to get frustrated at me so I'll try to finish the song I have. But srsly, I'll try to finish the one I have started. I'll just take time to send a decent song in given that I have already reached maximum deduction.
MattyTacos Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 1 hour ago, ceremonials said: @MattyTacos, "Black Magic" Stan for Little Mix. Okay, so I feel like the subject as a whole portrays weakness/strength pretty well, but the individual parts you labelled didnt at all. The whole black magic imagery however felt pretty out of place and quite frankly jarring. In terms of subject matter, this seemed a bit too...emotional for the sake of being emotional. I don't know if that makes sense, but when you know that the subject is not directly personal to the writer, it sort of loses some of its emotional impact. Still, I think the subject was a decent choice for this challenge, just maybe not executed as well as it could have been. There were minor tonal differences here and there, but not enough to totally nail this challenge for me. There were a few awkward lines here and there, mainly the ones directly referencing the baby, because they kind of lack...subtlety. It's a little too blunt. On the other hand, I'm glad you're not doing love songs at all anymore, and I think you've come a lot closer to finding a distinct style that works for you. Overall, this was okay. it fit the challenge, but there were the usual technical hurdles I see in a lot of your songs still, and that kind of dulled the experience. Your horizons are definitely expanding though, and I think there's a lot of trial and error involved in that. "Amorous lillies stolen from the light of day / Just when desperation had controlled my strength" Well, I can't really grow as a writer if I write personal emotional songs (which would just be about love & possibly drug abuse hihi). I think it works in the emotional aspect considering I'm embodying a character & telling her story through my song writing. The song can definitely connect to a lot of raped victims as well as females whom had to be forced into the decision of whether or not to keep the baby after the incident, just because you didn't go through the events yourself and can't connect to it doesn't mean many other can't. As for personal experiences, not to go into detail since it doesn't really matter or impact the song in any way - but I have been taken advantage of before so I can relate to the origin a bit. I can definitely see where it comes across blunt in the song at times & the song was kinda thrown together last second like a few of my recent entries so that's the reason for errors since I don't really go through it or show it to a lot of people. It'd definitely be helpful if you could possibly explain some of the technical issues, but thanks otherwise for the review.
ceremonials Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 16 minutes ago, MattyTacos said: Well, I can't really grow as a writer if I write personal emotional songs (which would just be about love & possibly drug abuse hihi). I think it works in the emotional aspect considering I'm embodying a character & telling her story through my song writing. The song can definitely connect to a lot of raped victims as well as females whom had to be forced into the decision of whether or not to keep the baby after the incident, just because you didn't go through the events yourself and can't connect to it doesn't mean many other can't. As for personal experiences, not to go into detail since it doesn't really matter or impact the song in any way - but I have been taken advantage of before so I can relate to the origin a bit. I can definitely see where it comes across blunt in the song at times & the song was kinda thrown together last second like a few of my recent entries so that's the reason for errors since I don't really go through it or show it to a lot of people. It'd definitely be helpful if you could possibly explain some of the technical issues, but thanks otherwise for the review. Rape is an extremely touchy subject, I'll leave it at that. You don't have to make everything personal to you but you also don't need to write about things so emotionally charged if you haven't been through it 100%. It may connect with some sure, but I'm willing to bet it will piss a good chunk of rape survivors off as well, even if your intentions were only to raise awareness and help survivors from it cope. It's a very slippery slope. As for the technical hurdles, that's mainly the bluntness that I noted earlier, as well as a few lines with repeated phrases that felt redundant. The rhyme scheme was pretty messy too, but it flowed pretty well in spite of it so i overlooked it
fountain Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) 3 hours ago, ceremonials said: @keshaspearsxo, "Spectrum" I wasn't expecting a bisexuality anthem, stan for Bisexual Legend Halsey a tad. I think the whole spectrum imagery was really cute and a great metaphor for the song. It really works. I think though it was technically about two conflicting concepts, it was supposed to be more from a tonal perspective I think, and not really subject matter wise. It still fits the challenge, but maybe not as well as it could have. This could've still been done and fit the challenge perfectly though - like maybe if the different "voices" in this song had drastically different tones or something. There were still some minor differences in the two different "voices" though, and while it might not fit the challenge perfectly, the song itself is pretty well executed. I just think it might've worked better in a different round. "And though my frequency could change, it will make sense in due time / I will stop questioning myself, because the choice was never mine" I was avoiding being contradictory and cliche, two awful sins. I'd rather tell a cohesive narrative that makes sense without relying upon a back and forth argument. Thank you tho! Edited October 7, 2017 by keshaspearsxo
Aurora Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 11 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: I was avoiding being contradictory and cliche, two awful sins. I'd rather tell a cohesive narrative that makes sense without relying upon a back and forth argument. Thank you tho! beings of two limbs avoid two awful sins edit: wait i just remembered we have four limbs, scrap that
fountain Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 3 minutes ago, Aurora said: beings of two limbs avoid two awful sins edit: wait i just remembered we have four limbs, scrap that What about those of us with stumps?
Hug Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 2 minutes ago, Corsola said: Why was this thread locked for a minute? wHy wAs tHiS tHrEaD lOcKeD fOr a MiNuTe?
funnellegs Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Thanks @ceremonials Glad you appreciated the risk, I just hope it was god enough to get me through this phase
Hug Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Tag yourself I'm the brown haired girl in the back crying for no reason
ultraviolence.xx Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 10 minutes ago, Hug said: Tag yourself I'm the brown haired girl in the back crying for no reason i’m the indiscernible word beneath, discarded, forgotten
ceremonials Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 I’m her 2006 Hot Pink Juicy Sweatsuit of corse x
Nait Phoenix Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 17 minutes ago, Hug said: Tag yourself I'm the brown haired girl in the back crying for no reason I'm "Pretty Wild"
Hug Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: I’m her 2006 Hot Pink Juicy Sweatsuit of corse x Weren't you going to bed?
ceremonials Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Just now, Hug said: Weren't you going to bed? Oh, that means I’m going to browse atrl for an hour and then go to bed. You should know this by now I do it all the time with the Pokemonsters x
Aurora Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 You mean to tell me @ceremonials has been up all this time and didn't finish reviews? Also what is this mess about the thread being locked and @Corsola being quoted when she didn't post? I'm confused.
MattyTacos Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 4 hours ago, ceremonials said: Rape is an extremely touchy subject, I'll leave it at that. You don't have to make everything personal to you but you also don't need to write about things so emotionally charged if you haven't been through it 100%. It may connect with some sure, but I'm willing to bet it will piss a good chunk of rape survivors off as well, even if your intentions were only to raise awareness and help survivors from it cope. It's a very slippery slope. As for the technical hurdles, that's mainly the bluntness that I noted earlier, as well as a few lines with repeated phrases that felt redundant. The rhyme scheme was pretty messy too, but it flowed pretty well in spite of it so i overlooked it Look, writing a song is similar to writing a novel, some of my favorite innovative songwriters like Tori Amos have touched on "extremely touchy subjects" such as rape, religion, politics, etc. using her voice & songs to express her own opinions that would piss off (and probably did piss off) a lot of people. Of course not everyone is going to agree to opinions & ideas. Being a songwriter definitely includes needing the freedom to express emotions and tell a story that audiences can relate to or maybe not even understand. Do you actually think Kurt Cobain was raped in order for him to write Polly? He wasn't and that's still a fan favorite because people appreciate the story & emotional vulnerability. You're basically telling me to limit my creative process AND that I did the challenge wrong - when it's even in the challenge OP that specifically asks for an emotional song. n Round 5 we covered structure, and in Round 6 we tackled theme/concept, so this week we're going to complete the trinity by covering emotion and style. So...my problem here is I wrote an emotional song for a challenge focused on emotion (where at least you can argue style here, but it isn't the case based on your critiques). I stand by my body of work and it sucks if it offended you personally, but on a critical level it seems I completed the requirements of this challenge since it's so "emotionally charged". I can at least understand where you're coming from the technical stuff and I'll make a note of that for future challenges.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted October 7, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted October 7, 2017 Thanks for the review @ceremonials. The song was inspired by you
fountain Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 7 hours ago, Jackson said: im gonna do reviews in a couple hours on the plane, will post whenever @swiftie13 gives me his wifi password SWIGIE GIVE HIM THE WIFI @swiftie13
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