UFO Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 5 minutes ago, Aurora said: Not two bridges, a repeating one (i.e. chorus) and one which is an actual bridge. Sis. the fact that last round was supposed to be about "experimenting with structure" and the only thing experimental about Dancing With Disaster's structure are the placement of the labels for each section I think the reason why I repeated the hook so much was because I loved it so much I was like "hmm let me repeat it 178461827481 more times cause it SCALPS" but tbh even though it was last place, it will forever be a BOP. The rhythm and flow is so tight tbh and there aren't any unnecessary lines or vague, abstract imagery which are always really hard for me to avoid and also the song is pretty succinct so at least I'm improving in some way nnnn if I were to rewrite it, I would probably make the bridge + hook ONE chorus, extend the ACTUAL bridge and make the themes of drug addiction/alcoholism more prominent.
ceremonials Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 @minho, "Here Comes the Rain" Yasssss mama, rhyme scheme looks so good on you. I’m honestly shook, because you’re no longer meeting me halfway but you’ve fully stepped over to the dark side. And I’m 100% here for it. I think it worked mostly flawlessly here, though I think the fog line in the first verse was...unnecessary. Maybe I’m just getting tired of all the fog imagery. Not really related to rhyme but I felt the bridge was a little blah. It wasn’t bad, it was just really broad where the rest of the song (seems) very personal and specific to you. Conceptually, I think this was a good concept to take from the film. It wasn’t a retelling, but taking a concept in the story/film and expanding upon it. Overall, this was far and above my favorite entry from you, but I don’t want you to feel pressure to make all your songs like this. Now that I’ve seen what you’re capable of with this style, I think it would be fine to go back to how you feel most comfortable writing. Maybe you feel more comfortable with this style now though, and that’s fine, I just don’t want you to feel like I’m cornering you into a certain style. “Next think I know there was no other place… / And suddenly again, here comes the rain” @funnellegs, “The Inevitable End” Okay, so your rhyme scheme is almost always the same - being ABAB. Your rhymes are almost always perfect as well. The result of this is songs that are always exceptionally easy to read. And I appreciate that. I think this is a huge factor in huge and consistent success. You’ve found something that works for you, so you use it, and I don’t blame you for that. It’s just you sometimes also sacrifice some of the coherency so they will fit into said formula. These sacrifices are usually minimal, as they are here, but I think it would be interesting if you changed your style up a bit. I am by no means urging you to do this though, because it’s obviously not detrimental to your success. I just think there’s not much else I can tell you to help you grow any further besides switch it up every once in awhile, other than ironing out minor issues (like the “Yeah you best believe”) in the chorus. “Every step I take I’ve seen before / Broken the fourth wall, pulled back the curtain” @UFO, “Nothing Ever Stays The Same” Okay, so there was still kind of a lot of unnecessary repetition here, but it was admittedly a lot less than usual, and mainly in the chorus, so I don’t have too much of a problem with it. I think conceptually this was really interesting, it wasn’t necessarily a huge departure from the original but it also wasn’t a retelling. It was somewhere in the middle, which is what I would have aimed for if I were to do this challenge. I thought the analogies of looking up and down as future and past was really cute, but then you sort of retconned it back to our usual concept of time (front and back). This was a minor detail though. Overall you definitely handled this challenge a lot better than last week, though it still kind of suffers from the same problems your entries usually have. However, there much less noticeable here and that made for a much more enjoyable read. “The tides start to pull as the moon orbits / But as the Sun falls, he falls with it too” @Nait Phoenix, “Change” Okay, this was waaaaaaay too general for it to have any sort of lasting impact on me as a writer, not only in relation to this challenge, but as a song in general. It wasn’t bad, it’s just hard to imagine it as a good song when the lyrics just don’t really go anywhere. When we take the challenge into account as well, it was just way too vague to believably fit. You still got the message of the story, sure, but it’s stated in the most blunt and least inspired way possible. I’m sorry I don’t have more to say about this, but it seems like you just weren’t feeling this challenge. And that’s fine. You’re still a great writer. “Tomorrow’s just another day we could never reach / Every future isn’t guaranteed” @ultraviolence.xx, “Daylight” Okay, so this had the signature uvie style and flare to it, which gave it some personality. Still, it was a little bit too much of a retelling for me to totally get behind it conceptually. There was no hook, no angle to it that nobody else had. This doesn’t affect the song itself too much, it just kind of makes it hard to stand out, you know? That said, what is here is beautifully written, and the couplet i’ve shown belowso it kind of makes up for the stifled creativity. I know you had trouble with this round, and I know this round isn’t for everyone, but all things considered, I think you did okay. “Now I have a choice since I know what will come / I can leave you in the dark, or bring you into the Sun” @SaintWest, “Lanuages” [I know you said not to review this but I low key liked it. It was a little half baked and could use some more developing, sure but I think this was an interesting start. I feel it probably would’ve been one of the standouts if it were fully utilized. Hope you aren’t quitting :( ] “Out languages don’t align / But I still understand” @keshaspearsxo, “Glitch” @KatyCatPH, “Something Crazy” Okay, so this was definitely nowhere near as bad as Out of My Mind, but it did feel like a regression into the old you. You’ve shown a lot of growth throughout the competition, but very little of those skilled are utilized here. The inspiration from Story of My Life is also very, very loose to the point where it really doesn’t fit in this round at all. The story wasn’t particularly compelling to make up for these shortcomings, and I think that’s where it falls the most short. It’s better than OOMM for sure, but it still kind of reads like an updated version, and I don’t want to see that from you. This was a tough round for a lot of people, so I can’t really fault you for that too much, but I hope we see a return to character next round. “Your smile, it flickered, still got no answer / But i knew what you were truly after” @mxtthewdelrey, “From Above” Okay, this was a lot more polished than usual, and I liked that you focused less on rhymes. It shows. I also like the whole “from above” concept since we usually think of time as forwards and backwards. Someone else did this in their song, but I think you pulled it off a little better, since it was your main focus and your title. This was still kinda awkward structurally, and there’s still some awkward/colloquial wording (mainly in the bridge), but I think the lack of rhymes really helps here. “Flash forward to peace, flash forward to love / Flash forward to hope, flash down from above”
Aurora Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 2 minutes ago, SaintWest said: 1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said: so you admit that i'm one of UFOs heptapod colleagues and that i'm wise beyond a metric by which your feeble human mind can even begin to comprehend in your basic english language because of the advancements me and my people have made No, my human intelligence COMBINED with my Heptapod B fluency has created a super-human-heptapod lifeform I like to refer to as "Heptahuman". I am the one and only and I will rule over both humankind and heptapodkind for all of eternity as I've also unlocked the secrets of immortality.
SaintWest Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 when you continue to disappoint yet @ceremonials continues to go easy on the lashings
UFO Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 kii @ me always unintentionally predicting the future. why am I so IN TUNE with the Universe ? wow maybe I really am a Heptapod. or maybe I'm Amy Adams ? omg both possibilities SLAY
UFO Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Not my mere existence being the basis for a philosophical/scientific debate my POWER
ceremonials Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 1 minute ago, SaintWest said: when you continue to disappoint yet @ceremonials continues to go easy on the lashings Paula's the most well liked for a reason
ultraviolence.xx Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 5 minutes ago, ceremonials said: @ultraviolence.xx, “Daylight” Okay, so this had the signature uvie style and flare to it, which gave it some personality. Still, it was a little bit too much of a retelling for me to totally get behind it conceptually. There was no hook, no angle to it that nobody else had. This doesn’t affect the song itself too much, it just kind of makes it hard to stand out, you know? That said, what is here is beautifully written, and the couplet i’ve shown belowso it kind of makes up for the stifled creativity. I know you had trouble with this round, and I know this round isn’t for everyone, but all things considered, I think you did okay. thank you
UFO Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: Paula's the most well liked for a reason omg i just read my review thank you Paul omg ajlfhasljflja
ceremonials Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 1 minute ago, Aurora said: 1. keshaspearsxo 2. minho Who needs hints? wrong x
fountain Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 7 minutes ago, ceremonials said: @keshaspearsxo, “Glitch” gg
ceremonials Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 3 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: masterpost made x @Jackson put this in the OP
Aurora Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 1 minute ago, ceremonials said: wrong x silly me to place @minho anywhere but #3 1. pears 2. hug 3. minho ?
smholiv Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 "Next think..." please tell me this typo wasn't in my entry omq
ceremonials Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Just now, minho said: "Next think..." please tell me this typo wasn't in my entry omq hjahajda no that was me
Aurora Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: Don't do me like this now i'm confused sis do you think he stanned your song or hated it?
fountain Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 1 minute ago, Aurora said: now i'm confused sis do you think he stanned your song or hated it? Well, I am a being of self doubt, so I'd rather not get my hopes up
Jackson Posted October 1, 2017 Author Posted October 1, 2017 Think I'm gonna do reviews till my computer dies its at 33% xo
ceremonials Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 4 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: austin typos a lot. he even used there incorrectly in ufos review bitch were
Aurora Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: Well, I am a being of self doubt, so I'd rather not get my hopes up #1 confirmed Just now, Jackson said: Think I'm gonna do reviews till my computer dies its at 33% xo make sure to post them when you get below 5% xo
fountain Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Just now, Aurora said: #1 confirmed 1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said: oh i've heard this one before But seriously it could mean anything so
Aurora Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 1 minute ago, ceremonials said: bitch were Just now, Gastrodonatella said: ur my fav Saint got an "Out languages" too and someone got a lowercase i this is what's judging us, folks.
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