Jackson Posted September 24, 2017 Author Posted September 24, 2017 I'm doing reviews in the next couple hours too, I'm also just working on songs for the EP I need to record in like 2 weeks
funnellegs Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Citrus said: n can you explain it to me then bby? It was actually meant to be documenting a relationship from beginning to end. How communication broke down, we became distant etcc and what happened after it all fell apart. Looking at it now I could definitely have developed it much more. Forgive me honey bunch Edit: an in person relationship Edited September 24, 2017 by funnellegs
Citrus Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 Just now, funnellegs said: It was actually meant to be documenting a relationship from beginning to end. How communication broke down, we became distant etcc and what happened after it all fell apart. Looking at it now I could definitely have developed it much more. Forgive me honey bunch you're fine hon. Maybe it's outside my frame of reference, I've never talked to a person I knew IRL through the internet.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted September 24, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted September 24, 2017 36 minutes ago, Citrus said: @Tsareena- I appreciated the effort but equating eating raw oysters with eating a girl out is anti feminist, delete. This felt like an elevated Speezy song, so props for using some cool language. I would like to see you step away from the watery stuff you seem fond of and head towards either a song with less direct imagery/allusions or one that utilizes a different topic. As for this specific song, it half passes the sex song test: If it's just about sex, it either has to be 1) Hilarious or 2) Really, spectacularly uniquely written. This isn't funny, and it's not written in the most original way, but it is nice to read at least. Poor @Speezy . Citrus I’m referring to the protagonist as the oyster and it’s meant to fit guys and gals. No heteronormativity on this boat
funnellegs Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 Just now, Citrus said: you're fine hon. Maybe it's outside my frame of reference, I've never talked to a person I knew IRL through the internet. Ah okay. Well thank you for the review anyway, hopefully next week I can slay you
SaintWest Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 9 minutes ago, Citrus said: someone decipher my hints i am NOT watching those videos.
ceremonials Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 1 minute ago, SaintWest said: i am NOT watching those videos. djhsakljdh the gif
Citrus Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 1. chestburster - facehugger - Hug 2. ultra violent - ultraviolence 3. disembowelment - intestines - gastrodonatella 4. tanning - sun - aurora 5. the host - south korean - minho
touya kinomoto Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 2 minutes ago, SaintWest said: i am NOT watching those videos. You should use the next few seconds though. But this is funny.
SaintWest Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 not me really thinking patterns was my best written song since 10.5
Citrus Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 stay perched for the upcoming horror movie round then xo
Citrus Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 4 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: jackson rihjected it, don't worry
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted September 24, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted September 24, 2017 We already did that crypto round. I’m tired
UFO Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 13 minutes ago, Citrus said: stay perched for the upcoming horror movie round then xo OMG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS
UFO Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Citrus said: jackson rihjected it, don't worry **** I really should read the entire page first before posting ajfasjf Edited September 24, 2017 by UFO
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 28 minutes ago, Citrus said: 1. chestburster - facehugger - Hug 2. ultra violent - ultraviolence 3. disembowelment - intestines - gastrodonatella 4. tanning - sun - aurora 5. the host - south korean - minho honored
Citrus Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 Just now, ultraviolence.xx said: honored Hatchet is also one of my top 5 slasher franchises, slay!
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 1 minute ago, Citrus said: Hatchet is also one of my top 5 slasher franchises, slay! wait also are those in order of placement??
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 7 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: i would assume so? slay
ceremonials Posted September 24, 2017 Posted September 24, 2017 @Tsareena, “Oyster” Okay, I actually liked this. While I definitely wasn’t feeling the water imagery at first, I was sold on it by the end of the song. I thought the metaphors used were clever, subtle and cunning without being too vulgar. It was pretty...nuanced, the most nuanced I’ve seen from you yet I think. Though I usually don’t take musicality into account since this is just a lyric competition, I could really see someone singing this - not in terms of subject matter (maybe though), but more in terms of the way it’s written. There were a few parts that were pretty unnuanced though - mainly from “The taste so salty” to the end of the song, as well as random parts during the first verse like “feast on all of me”. It had a bluntness that the rest of the song just didn’t have, and for that reason it sticks out. Still, though this maybe wasn’t the safest concept to go with, I still think your songs continue to display your growth each week, and it even seems like each week you’re trying to cover new ground as well - this week it was subtlety and nuance, last week it was rhyme scheme… Or maybe you’re not doing that on purpose, and you’re just growing as a writer subconsciously. Either way, bravo. “This well will never run dry / If your image never leaves my eyes” @funnellegs, “A Passage of Time” Okay, so this song made me realize that you focus way too much on perfect rhymes. The lines themselves don’t seem particularly forced - at least not all of them - but it seems like you occasionally sacrifice some coherency to make your songs fit into a formula. And I think most of the time that’s fine, because it usually works for you. But when you put things into a formula you run the risk of it becoming...formulaic (shocker right). Again I don’t think that’s always a bad thing, but it did cause some forced rhymes here. Particularly lied/ride. I’m not saying make a song without rhymes because I almost always advise against that, but not all your songs have to have perfect meter and rhyme scheme. They make your songs incredibly easy to read, but can also make them sort of blur together. In terms of the song itself, it was cute, albeit not a huge departure from the typical funnellegs narrative. It was still nice and easy to read, but I think you should step out of your box a bit more - even if that is an incredibly comfortable box. “You left when we were eighteen / What did your sudden silence mean?” @MattyTacos, “Loveless Humans” “I’ve escaped from the Asylum” OK Lana Winters. Okay so...I liked the premise of the song, even if it was a bit superficial. I don’t know why but it seemed like a perfect pick for a round like this? It was a pretty open round though, so maybe I just like the concept. I don’t think it was executed perfectly - there were quite a few awkward lines, and some unresolved plot lines as well. Because of this, parts of the song felt out of place or shoehorned in. I think maybe just rearranging some of these stanzas could really help the coherency, but unfortunately I think the lack of a chorus held you back this round. I could tell you attempted to tie everything together neatly with the whole “horizon” motif but it doesn’t quite hit the mark narrative wise. Still, this was another change of pace for you in terms of concept and I think that is what really looks good on you. It’s still a love song at heart, but an interesting one. One with a hook, an angle, a twist. I just think maybe your style benefits a lot from having a chorus, but even without one, I thought this was enjoyable. “I can see the blue soldiers placing pins of victims on their suits / As they lead into the islands, shrouding the darkness of fallen troops” @mxtthewdelrey, “Bitter After Dark” Slay! This was muchhhh less focused on rhymes and I think you benefit greatly from that. What few rhymes were there were kind of forced (lads/sad, mainly), but they’re not everywhere like in some of our previous entries. I usually tell people they need to rhyme more or pick some sort of rhyme scheme, but I actually think less rhymes work better for you. In term of the narrative, I thought this was kind of basic, but still pretty cute. It’s something I feel like I’ve read a million times before and yet, there were still personal touches and flares of personality that made it feel somewhat unique. I actually really love the titular phrase and how it’s used - so much I almost wish it was repeated more, but that would be walking on pretty thin ice for a song with no chorus. Overall, I think this style looks muchhhhh better on you, and you not focusing so much on rhymes allows your writing to focus on other areas. “Obviously you lied when you said we had that spark / And now I know it will only get bitter after dark” @Nait Phoenix, “Cloudless Sky” Let me start off by saying that I loved the whole “question” structure. I think it was the perfect round to do something like this and I think it was actually executed pretty well, though maybe I would have made all the lines in the first six stanzas questions instead of just most of them but that seems kind of difficult to do, or at least do well, so I’ll forgive it. I do think this read a little too much like poetry, particularly that last stanza. But with a song without chorus, it’s hard for that line not to be blurred. Still, the first six stanzas were satisfactory in terms of lyricism, but the last stanza just dabbled a bit too much into free verse. I will say that content wise this was pretty interesting, it read as sort of an existential crisis, but an interesting and poetic one nonetheless. Overall, I think this was a unique way to go about this challenge and I think your general adeptness in writing is what saved you from just writing a poem, though the line is admittedly fuzzy at times. “What’s a dream on the ocean bed / If I don’t breathe, am I already dead?” @Covergirl, “Smokin’ the Romance Out of Me” Okay so...I didn’t like the repeated line all that much. “The smokes comes out my mouth” was just kinda too awkwardly worded to justify it being repeated multiple times. Content wise, this seemed like a bit of a curve ball but wasn’t an absolute miss. Still, there were some extremely awkward parts in terms of style/craft, and I think that is where it falls the most short. For example, what is the censored word supposed to be? P0rno? If it is, I’m screaming. You dirty bitch. This just felt...messy. Not bad, but sloppy. The references/metaphors are extremely loose or just don’t go anywhere. I want to see you return to the Niko we saw in the first few rounds, even if I’m living for your ARTPOP era. “The natural scent of my angst-filled night / He opens the door and hands me the pipe” @KatyCatPH, "Cardiff Love" I think you were one of the people that the lack of a chorus hurt. Because there wasn’t a chorus, I feel like you relied a bit too much on perfect rhymes to give the song some kind of structure, and the result is that some of them end up forced or too easy. Night/strife was a bit too forced, and long/wrong/along was a bit too elementary. I don’t judge rhymes too harshly, though, so don’t worry. I just don’t want you to focus on them too much, since I don’t think rhymes have been much of an issue for you - at least not in the last few rounds. On the contrary I think the content was really cute, even if I’m not entirely sure what a cardiff is. I know you’re still semi new to writing lyrics, so I think it’s okay that you haven’t found a particular style yet. I think that’s a good thing actually, because you can experiment with many styles and see what works best for you while also learning different ways to write. It’s a double edged sword in that way. Your entries continue to display your growth and ambition, even if they might not always wow every judge. “A clear conscience is the softest pillow / So Cardiff Love, I have to let you go” @Speezy, “Beautiful Disaster” Aw, your sex era is over :( I’m kinda here for it though! I’ve always admired your tenacity and your unwillingness to give up, and I think now that you’re not doing sex songs the judges might actually see how much you’ve grown. There were times when your songs were just a bit too incoherent, and I think you’ve definitely grown out of that. There’s still some minor missteps - the earthquake line felt a bit redundant, and I think the “beautiful disaster” motif is a bit overdone. In spite of this though, I think this was a very interesting metaphor for self-love, and was executed pretty well in my opinion. I’m sad that your sex era is over, but it’s good to finally see thee girl behind the aura! “I’d rather sit and watch the sun touch the horizon / Than listen to someone tell me what I could’ve become” @keshaspearsxo, "Moan" "I'm the virgin to you pervert" I hate you so much jakkjdjksk. OK this was obviously you risktaker era but I don't think it was that bad? The first stanza was pretty...crude, but the following two are written pretty well for a sex song tbh. This was kinda the most lyrical song I've read from you? (This season, at least!) Maybe it was the rhyme scheme, idk. But I'm bopping. "Even when I am on my own / It's still your name I choose to moan"
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