discussion Why do gays struggle to see possessiveness as a good thing?

[nsst]

10 minutes ago, Badgalbriel said:

No it doesn't. Only actually toxic behavior is labeled as toxic behavior. 

what exactly counts as toxic behavior? i can be in a relationship where i control who my partner talks to. if my partner doesn't see a problem with it and even likes it, would that still be considered toxic behavior? it feels like the definition of toxic is often subjective and varies from one relationship to another. in straight relationships, jealousy can be brushed off as cute, but in gay relationships, the same behavior gets labeled as toxic without considering how both partners feel about it 

 

[nsst]

7 minutes ago, Katamari said:

who r these ppl @nsst

 

it's from a viral tiktok i saw ages ago, but i never found their @

[Badgalbriel]

7 minutes ago, nsst said:

what exactly counts as toxic behavior? i can be in a relationship where i control who my partner talks to. if my partner doesn't see a problem with it and even likes it, would that still be considered toxic behavior? it feels like the definition of toxic is often subjective and varies from one relationship to another. in straight relationships, jealousy can be brushed off as cute, but in gay relationships, the same behavior gets labeled as toxic without considering how both partners feel about it 

 

Where the f are getting your information? Jealousy is normal in every relationship, gay or straight. Toxic jealously is not normal in no relationship at all. Gay or straight. 

[dumbsparce]

Who said that? If it comes from both parties and doesn't cross the line of "ToXic", it's literally a healthy thing.

[BrokenMachine]

1 hour ago, nsst said:

You'll see a lot of girls letting their boyfriends check their phones or ask who they're hanging out with, and they don't get mad about it. It's almost like, ''he's jealous because he cares,'' and honestly, that's true!

Nah, that's toxic af sis 

[Prodigal Self]

3 minutes ago, Badgalbriel said:

Where the f are getting your information? Jealousy is normal in every relationship, gay or straight. Toxic jealously is not normal in no relationship at all. Gay or straight. 

They ain't getting ****. They make stupid ass threads to get a reaction out of y'all and it's working every single time

[Joyride]

this stupid ass thread, I have to laugh

[BrokenMachine]

40 minutes ago, nsst said:

tbf a little control can be normal, especially when you really care about someone. it's not about trying to dictate their every move, it's more about wanting to ensure they're safe and happy.. if someone is invested in a relationship, it makes sense that they'd want to keep an eye on things

 

That surveillance is not healthy at all 

 

And no amount of 'control' is normal. I woldn't try to control a single thing about my partner and also I wouldn't let my partner control a single thing about me. One thing is to come to agreements and choose which kind of stuff we would do together... but I wouldn't go as far as 'controlling'.

 

Also it's not up to you to 'ensure they're safe and happy', because, if you come to the point of controlling their happiness, you might also control them being not happy at all, and that's when the toxic stuff comes. I'd love to make my partner happy too, but it won't happen if I'm being possessive and controlling.

 

As for the 'keep an eye on things', like, which 'things' are you talking about? Depends on how you elaborate on that if said stuff is toxic or not

Edited October 18 by BrokenMachine

[ChooseyLover]

I know where you are coming from. While I respect it, I don't really resonate with the overly unattached mindset that people currently have in relationships and I don't see what's wrong with wanting to feel special and irreplaceable in your significant other's life.

 

But if it comes to a point where you feel you have to go over your couple's phone then ****'s already toxic as hell.

[BrokenMachine]

21 minutes ago, nsst said:

what exactly counts as toxic behavior? i can be in a relationship where i control who my partner talks to.

Well, that's basically the textbook of toxic behaviour. Why would I cut a relationship just because my partner said so? A huge sign of dating a narcissist is when the narcissist starts to isolating you from your personal relationships in order to give the narcissist more control of your life, so you wouldn't feel supported by your personal circle once you want to leave them, since the narcissist cut them all. One thing is that, and the other is cutting a relationship because that friend hurt you very much in the past, but I'm very sure you're not talking about that kind of situation 

[nsst]

25 minutes ago, BrokenMachine said:

That surveillance is not healthy at all 

 

And no amount of 'control' is normal. I woldn't try to control a single thing about my partner and also I wouldn't let my partner control a single thing about me. One thing is to come to agreements and choose which kind of stuff we would do together... but I wouldn't go as far as 'controlling'.

 

Also it's not up to you to 'ensure they're safe and happy', because, if you come to the point of controlling their happiness, you might also control them being not happy at all, and that's when the toxic stuff comes. I'd love to make my partner happy too, but it won't happen if I'm being possessive and controlling.

 

As for the 'keep an eye on things', like, which 'things' are you talking about? Depends on how you elaborate on that if said stuff is toxic or not

you said ''no amount of control is normal'', but i think we need to rethink that a bit. sometimes control is necessary, especially when it comes to protecting your partner. if my bf is chatting with someone who's hurt him before, i wouldn't hesitate to step in because it's not just about care, it's my responsibility. look, relationships are all about looking out for each other. if i notice something off, i'd want to say something because that's what genuine caring looks like.. if i don't have my partner's back in those situations, then what kind of partner am i? so, when we think about control as a way to keep things in check and protect each other, it can really be a normal part of a relationship. that's what love is really about.

 

[nsst]

36 minutes ago, Prodigal Self said:

They ain't getting ****. They make stupid ass threads to get a reaction out of y'all and it's working every single time

??

[Prodigal Self]

1 minute ago, nsst said:

??

did I stutter *****?

[nsst]

2 minutes ago, Prodigal Self said:

did I stutter *****?

nope you're just being stupid

[Prodigal Self]

2 minutes ago, nsst said:

nope you're just being stupid

Well yes! I am being stupid and not you "straight girls are possessive of their straight boyfriends and it ain't toxic I want some of it too "

[JonginBey]

*****, what are we, poltergeist?

 

[St. Charles]

Sounds cute in theory to some, but if you've ever witnessed a relationship where someone is legitimately controlling, jealous, obsessive, and possessive, you know better. 

[Badgalbriel]

24 minutes ago, nsst said:

you said ''no amount of control is normal'', but i think we need to rethink that a bit. sometimes control is necessary, especially when it comes to protecting your partner. if my bf is chatting with someone who's hurt him before, i wouldn't hesitate to step in because it's not just about care, it's my responsibility. look, relationships are all about looking out for each other. if i notice something off, i'd want to say something because that's what genuine caring looks like.. if i don't have my partner's back in those situations, then what kind of partner am i? so, when we think about control as a way to keep things in check and protect each other, it can really be a normal part of a relationship. that's what love is really about.

 

Omg this is the most stupid ****. Of course if your partner is talking to someone who hurt them in the past you need to intervene. This is not control. This is common sense. 

[KillingYourCareer]

It is not a positive thing, believe me. A bit of jealousy in the beginning is natural--it's caring for someone and being worried for them while planning a life together. But as the relationship proceeds, this feeling should fade, leaving place to trust. And possession isn't part of trust.

[Worm]

18 minutes ago, nsst said:

you said ''no amount of control is normal'', but i think we need to rethink that a bit. sometimes control is necessary, especially when it comes to protecting your partner. if my bf is chatting with someone who's hurt him before, i wouldn't hesitate to step in because it's not just about care, it's my responsibility. look, relationships are all about looking out for each other. if i notice something off, i'd want to say something because that's what genuine caring looks like.. if i don't have my partner's back in those situations, then what kind of partner am i? so, when we think about control as a way to keep things in check and protect each other, it can really be a normal part of a relationship. that's what love is really about.

 

Here's why deciding to insert yourself into your partner's life to make decisions about who he can or cannot talk to is toxic and controlling, even if you use the excuse that it's for his own benefit:

• It violates his autonomy and right to make decisions about his own life, even if those decisions seem unwise or harmful to you;
• it undermines his basic human dignity by depriving him of the chance to pursue his own choices and goals, even if they seem risky or mistaken to you;
• it degrades him by treating him as a helpless child who is incapable of determining things for his own good;
• it undermines trust as a foundational element of your relationship, suggesting you don't believe in his ability to make smart decisions or protect himself from harm;
• it denies any form of equal partnership in the relationship, instead allowing you to dictate who he should or shouldn't interact with;
• no one can know your partner's interests better than he does himself, so it is misguided to substitute your own decisions for his when you do not share his unique preferences, values and circumstances;
• controlling him diminishes his ability to learn from his mistakes and make healthier choices going forwards, making him reliant on you and dependent on your judgment to avoid harm;
• it establishes an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship because it demonstrates your superior judgment and authority over him;
• isolating him from relationships with others can make him unhealthily dependant on you for social fulfilment, which can lead to emotional control and manipulation;
• interfering with your partner's relationships 'for his own benefit' is a slippery slope that can progress from intervening when he talks to someone who has hurt him in the past to intervening whenever he talks to someone you don't want him to talk to;
• control like this is not possible without some level of intrusion into his personal life and violation of his privacy, whether through interrogating him about their friends, demanding access to his electronic devices, questioning his motives or policing his behaviours;
• this kind of controlling behaviour and obsession with 'outside harm' is usually a distraction from underlying issues in the relationship, whether that's your own insecurity, jealousy or lack of communication; and
• attempts to control who a partner socialises with can often backfire and lead to dishonesty and secrecy to avoid conflict, eroding any capacity for trust and openness in the relationship.

[nsst]

28 minutes ago, Badgalbriel said:

Omg this is the most stupid ****. Of course if your partner is talking to someone who hurt them in the past you need to intervene. This is not control. This is common sense. 

but isn't that still control? you're trying to stop them from talking to someone, which is definitely controlling  plus, the @ i quoted said 'no amount of control is normal,' so

[nsst]

4 minutes ago, Worm said:

Here's why deciding to insert yourself into your partner's life to make decisions about who he can or cannot talk to is toxic and controlling, even if you use the excuse that it's for his own benefit:

• It violates his autonomy and right to make decisions about his own life, even if those decisions seem unwise or harmful to you;
• it undermines his basic human dignity by depriving him of the chance to pursue his own choices and goals, even if they seem risky or mistaken to you;
• it degrades him by treating him as a helpless child who is incapable of determining things for his own good;
• it undermines trust as a foundational element of your relationship, suggesting you don't believe in his ability to make smart decisions or protect himself from harm;
• it denies any form of equal partnership in the relationship, instead allowing you to dictate who he should or shouldn't interact with;
• no one can know your partner's interests better than he does himself, so it is misguided to substitute your own decisions for his when you do not share his unique preferences, values and circumstances;
• controlling him diminishes his ability to learn from his mistakes and make healthier choices going forwards, making him reliant on you and dependent on your judgment to avoid harm;
• it establishes an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship because it demonstrates your superior judgment and authority over him;
• isolating him from relationships with others can make him unhealthily dependant on you for social fulfilment, which can lead to emotional control and manipulation;
• interfering with your partner's relationships 'for his own benefit' is a slippery slope that can progress from intervening when he talks to someone who has hurt him in the past to intervening whenever he talks to someone you don't want him to talk to;
• control like this is not possible without some level of intrusion into his personal life and violation of his privacy, whether through interrogating him about their friends, demanding access to his electronic devices, questioning his motives or policing his behaviours;
• this kind of controlling behaviour and obsession with 'outside harm' is usually a distraction from underlying issues in the relationship, whether that's your own insecurity, jealousy or lack of communication; and
• attempts to control who a partner socialises with can often backfire and lead to dishonesty and secrecy to avoid conflict, eroding any capacity for trust and openness in the relationship.

i aint reading all that

[Keter]

If y'all don't shut the hell up with y'all manless asses 😂😂😂😂 debating a bunch of **** that ain't happening to you! 

[Slap]

Straight relationships should never be used as a barometer for what is normal. Gays don't settle for men who don't wash their asses in the shower because they're worried about it impacting their masculinity somehow. What straight women settle for in straight men is not an indicator of what is good. 

Edited October 19 by Slap

[Bewitched]

3 hours ago, Baby Dancer said:

Let it out girl. Yeah, I can get possessive too. 

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If I'm seeing a guy and find out he's sleeping with someone else, I sleep with that person too. I've got to mark my territory.