discussion Bf still on Grindr after 10 months

[State of Grace.]

Sweetie I'm sorry to say this but reading this felt you're living on copium.  Being on the apps in a closed relationship itself is...a no, but you mentioned that you were okay with that. The worst thing about it is the blatant gaslighting to make it feel like you're not trusting him and you're the weird ***** in the situation. 

 

The options are really limited: either you break up (even if you love him, time will heal, and you'll get someone better that you deserve), or you open the relationship, or you make peace with him being on the apps and constantly sexting other men....which sounds like torture to me and you will 100% live in a constant state of paranoia.

[ChooseyLover]

1 minute ago, Oktober Knight said:

This is exactly what I told him that he's having a hard time letting go of a habit he's had for 10 years. He's definitely on the apps a lot less but he's on there every chance he gets when he's alone (usually his lunch break or when we're out in public in a new area). I did mention that when he moves in within the next year that we should all delete our apps but he didn't give me a firm answer, he said but how will be ever find other gay friends? Like no... We can find friends anywhere, not guys on Grindr who claim to only want friendships but then try to fk you the second we meet. 

I think that if he isn't fine with your boundaries in a relationship you deserve honesty on his part to spare you pain and don't make you waste your time. The explanations he gives you really don't cut it. Maybe he needs to be honest with himself first to be honest with you so you may have to keep insisting.

I know everyone is telling you to dump him but I also know it's hard to let go of someone or something without having tried all you could to make it work.

[glitch]

2 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said:

 

Yes I was trying to dodge confusion for the members that didn't know 

 

So may as well give the full spectrum. My husband stopped using the apps early on and he doesn't give AF about our bf chatting with other guys. HOWEVER, he did say that if it bothers me so much that I need to speak up. And if our bf isn't willing to comply then a decision needs to be made. My husband is very neutral in this situation. 

Jaksksns so you have a husband of 9 (?) years and you're worrying about what your toy boy is doing on Grindr? 

[Oktober Knight]

Just now, John Slayne said:

Wait, what happened to your husband? And the throuple?

 

Anyway, he is definitely going to have sex with other men at some point. If you are monogamous you need to find someone who feels the same way, clearly this guy enjoys the attention of other men and even goes as far as sexting, that's just one step away from sex irl. If you are taking this relationship seriously and are making long-term plans, ask yourself this: Is this person going to be able to NOT have sex with anyone but you for the next 50 years? If the answer is no then you either need to accept an open relationship or breakup with him.

 

Read my updated post above, my husband is still around. He kinda doesn't care but also knows it bothers me so I feel like he's slightly leaning towards my side. 

[stars]

If he's truly looking for friends, he needs to drop Grindr and find a HOBBY. Scrolling through Grindr for hours at a time is not going to give him the healthy friendships he is craving.

[John Slayne]

22 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said:

Last night, his phone fell on the floor and as I picked it up to put it back on the charger, I hit his Snapchat notification by accident and I saw a reply that said "you were hot." I scrolled through their conversation and they have been snapping each other every day for a week and it seems he was a guy he hooked up with years ago that contacted him recently. They exchanged nudes, flirted a lot, and talked about how much fun they had years ago in bed.

Also none of this was 'accidental', you went through his phone and conversations because you can't trust him. Even if he did not cheat, that alone is a massive problem that needs to be addressed. 

[RideOrDie]

6 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said:

 

Yes I was trying to dodge confusion for the members that didn't know 

 

So may as well give the full spectrum. My husband stopped using the apps early on and he doesn't give AF about our bf chatting with other guys. HOWEVER, he did say that if it bothers me so much that I need to speak up. And if our bf isn't willing to comply then a decision needs to be made. My husband is very neutral in this situation. 

not you leaving your husband out of the whole equation, girl just take them to throuple's therapy no one on atrl can solve this pythagoras theorem

 

Edited July 15 by RideOrDie

[Lagerfeld]

OH. You have a HUSBAND and a boyfriend? The nerve.

[Zachbbs]

What exactly did you think would happen? 

[Oktober Knight]

1 minute ago, John Slayne said:

Also none of this was 'accidental', you went through his phone and conversations because you can't trust him. Even if he did not cheat, that alone is a massive problem that needs to be addressed. 

Well accident by opening the snap unintentionally but yes once the text caught my attention, I had to scroll up and read the rest. Who wouldn't? But you're right - I don't want to ever have to constantly worry who he's talking to or what they're saying. He likes the attention so much. I mean he did go from being a **** to suddenly in an unexpected LTR with us so I don't think he truly knows how boundaries work in relationships since this is his first one. He's so loose and thinks everyone should be open in the gay community and that's not what I want. My hubby and I were open intermittently for 2 years and I'm honestly over it. 

[Juánny]

13 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said:

And that's where I'm stuck. I feel forced to be ok with him chatting with other guys and not ever question it or his loyalty. But I love him too much to lose him so I guess I gotta let him have his fun. 

Your happiness and needs need to be fulfilled as much as his, you're not giving yourself the respect you deserve by putting your needs and wants on pause in the name of love. If that can't happen, it's just not a match. You can love someone but not be compatible with them in a relationship. Everyone needs to feel they're being respected and fulfilled, otherwise it will turn toxic. 

[Oktober Knight]

2 minutes ago, Lagerfeld said:

OH. You have a HUSBAND and a boyfriend? The nerve.

WE have a bf, it's not like I have a relationship with him separately, we're all in this together. 

[PaloSanto]

I'm too old fashioned for this but my advise is the same as always

 

 

[clee95]

My innocence can't handle your situation.. a husband and bf......can it work?

[bjorn]

Just smile and nod 

[Cheers]

insisted he could still use the apps to flirt or connect with others for friendships

 

Yea sorry but this is what every wh0re says

[Dear Reader]

2 minutes ago, clee95 said:

My innocence can't handle your situation.. a husband and bf......can it work?

Yes it can. The people clutching their pearls making fun of the situation as if "regular" couples don't break up are very funny. 

 

OT: I feel like I'm repeating a lot of the advice but yes, it does feel like he's gaslighting you and if you guys have a closed relationship between you three, it seems like he's not being totally honest with you both. I assume one of your rules might be open conversation and that seems like it's not happening at all. 

[X~MoviePoP]

Literally me. Except we were just exclusively hooking up but we said we wouldnt see other guys and he even told me he loved me but then i caught him on grindr numerous times and also in person and he gaslit me and tried lying.

 

Then he promised me he wouldnt do it again and that he doesnt wanna hook up with other guys but a week later i made a fake account and he was on it still.

 

So i immediately felt so dumb and stupid...(i kept having s*x with him tho but it ended badly and now i regret all of it because it was a waste of time, money and emotions)

[X~MoviePoP]

8 minutes ago, Juanny said:

Your happiness and needs need to be fulfilled as much as his, you're not giving yourself the respect you deserve by putting your needs and wants on pause in the name of love. If that can't happen, it's just not a match. You can love someone but not be compatible with them in a relationship. Everyone needs to feel they're being respected and fulfilled, otherwise it will turn toxic. 

Yup. And mine turned extremely toxic because i got lost in trying to get him to "only want me".

 

 

[brutal]

I was on your side until I learned about the husband thingy. How you have a full husband but you're mad he is engaging with other guys 

[stars]

18 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said:

 

Yes I was trying to dodge confusion for the members that didn't know 

 

So may as well give the full spectrum. My husband stopped using the apps early on and he doesn't give AF about our bf chatting with other guys. HOWEVER, he did say that if it bothers me so much that I need to speak up. And if our bf isn't willing to comply then a decision needs to be made. My husband is very neutral in this situation. 

Hot take: The boyfriend owes yall nothing. You are a married man—ring and all. That's why he's not taking this seriously and ignores your cries. Yes, he may have had feelings for you, but at the end of the day, this was probably just something hot and fun for all three of you involved.

[Bussea]

oh mess, I was about to ask what happened to your husband but you answered sksksks 

[Colmillo]

Wait let me get this straight you have a husband, and you and your husband have a boyfriend, the three of you have a closed relationship, but your boyfriend is talking to other guys on Grindr (apparently not to hookup, just to make friends and exchange nudes) and you don't like that but your husband doesn't care, am I right or did I miss something?

[Stepfon]

That's NOT your BF, that's everyone's BF. 

[DawnAnti]

I won't read all that just from the title , you gotta find a new bf