Oktober Knight Posted July 15 Posted July 15 My bf and I have been together for 10 months and and have had a closed relationship since December. We decided to be closed after he hooked up with a couple of guys during our dating phase as he assumed we would be open; he understood my disapproval but insisted he could still use the apps to flirt or connect with others for friendships (I don't mind flirting or nude exchanges). Just recently I noticed he never mentions me when he's chatting with others despite his profile staying he's in a relationship, and even when we're out and about and he's logged in, his responses to guys are "I'M doing fine" or "I'M just hanging out at home" and it's never "WE'RE hanging out at home" or "I'm with my bf." I brought up this concern and he quickly changed his profile to make it more obvious, stating he's proud to belong to his bf on his profile description. Last night, his phone fell on the floor and as I picked it up to put it back on the charger, I hit his Snapchat notification by accident and I saw a reply that said "you were hot." I scrolled through their conversation and they have been snapping each other every day for a week and it seems he was a guy he hooked up with years ago that contacted him recently. They exchanged nudes, flirted a lot, and talked about how much fun they had years ago in bed. There was no indication of any potential meeting plans, but my bf once again left me out of the conversation and didn't mention that he was in a relationship, although he did tell me the guy he's not looking for anything romantic, just friendship. My unreasonable rule has always been to not be on the apps while we're together as our time together should be undivided, which he agreed to do. But some of these snaps were sent during the weekend and he stays here Friday through Sunday. I brought it up last night and he didn't think he did anything wrong. He also pointed out that he never attempted to meet this guy and never will, although his messages were very specific on what he would do to him (I suppose this was just sexting and not that he's ACTUALLY gonna go to the his house and do these things) but one message that stuck out to me was a reply to an opened snap that said "I'd be down for all that." I don't know what he was replying to as the snap couldn't be reopened. He made it a point to say that he has no time to even meet others even if he wanted to as he's at my house 90% of the time. He's here everyday except Mondays where he stays with his parents and even then we're in constant contact. However there's concern that he's chatting with guys and getting a little too attached with them (lingering messaging force hours or days) which he claims is strictly just for fun and excitement. When I asked about us deleting the apps all together, he gave a firm no, claiming that he wants to make more friends for us and likes flirting with others without any intention to meet them. Our "argument" didn't get too heated and he repeatedly assured me that he loved me no matter what and would never betray me and asked if I can just trust him. Now I feel like shite cause I accused him of doing something he probably had no intention of doing and I think he feels I'm being too strict or paranoid. Am I overreacting? I have no proof or belief that he's met anyone since November but I always have paranoia when it comes to things like this. His reasoning for being a dedicated to the apps was he grew up with Grindr and Scruff since he was 18 and that's the only way he knows how to approach other gays. He doesn't understand the old fashion approach (what I prefer) is just striking up conversations in person at gay bars or events. Thoughts? 1
Popular Post Donquizote Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 Open relationship is not for everyone methinks 27
ATRL Moderator Popular Post wehavetostan Posted July 15 ATRL Moderator Popular Post Posted July 15 Breakup 101 1
Saintlor Posted July 15 Posted July 15 I mean what's there to say other than be okay with it or break up with him 8
Popular Post Davidoff Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 lol you lost me at "he hooked up with couple of guys during our dating phase" boy bye. 63 4 6
Digitalism Posted July 15 Posted July 15 Why would you enter a relationship where you clearly have different values? 11 1
Popular Post tost1 Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 Sorry to.say but he sounds like he is full of **** 28
Popular Post ChooseyLover Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 Seems like he wants to hold on to you while not letting go of old habits, and most likely doesn't respect your boundaries. Maybe your monogamy being kinda loose/not extremely strict has given him a green light for that. I hope you'll be fine regardless of what you decide to do but since you're not together for long I think you really need to sort this out with him. 15 1
Oktober Knight Posted July 15 Author Posted July 15 4 minutes ago, Saintlor said: I mean what's there to say other than be okay with it or break up with him And that's where I'm stuck. I feel forced to be ok with him chatting with other guys and not ever question it or his loyalty. But I love him too much to lose him so I guess I gotta let him have his fun.
Illuminati Posted July 15 Posted July 15 Aren't you a throuple? You're kinda leaving out your other partner just the same as your bf does on grindr. 2 1
Popular Post Cain Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 10 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said: Our "argument" didn't get too heated and he repeatedly assured me that he loved me no matter what and would never betray me and asked if I can just trust him. Now I feel like shite cause I accused him of doing something he probably had no intention of doing and I think he feels I'm being too strict or paranoid. Erm this is kind of giving gaslighting vibes Like you are clearly uncomfortable with him literally sexting and saying what he would do to other guys sexually without mentioning having a boyfriend, and I think you have every right to he uncomfortable with that If he's not willing to give that up… well you need to make some choices 20
Lagerfeld Posted July 15 Posted July 15 Break up. I mean, starting the relationship off on an open foot was a disaster anyway. 1 1
Popular Post Badgalbriel Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 Grindr is a hook up app. It's not an app to make friends. You don't use grindr if you're not looking to get dick. This guy is gaslighting you. 36 2
Popular Post glitch Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 Weren't you married and then in a throuple? 1 60 2
Cain Posted July 15 Posted July 15 1 minute ago, Oktober Knight said: I feel forced to be ok with him chatting with other guys and not ever question it or his loyalty. But I love him too much to lose him so I guess I gotta let him have his fun. sounds like a great foundation 6
perpetual novice Posted July 15 Posted July 15 He's stringing you along. No doubt he enjoys your company but he doesn't want to be committed. It's tough but I was in a similar situation. You have to walk away from it 3
Oktober Knight Posted July 15 Author Posted July 15 Just now, ChooseyLover said: Seems like he wants to hold on to you while not letting go of old habits, and most likely doesn't respect your boundaries. Maybe your monogamy being kinda loose/not extremely strict has given him a green light for that. I hope you'll be fine regardless of what you decide to do but since you're not together for long I think you really need to sort this out with him. This is exactly what I told him that he's having a hard time letting go of a habit he's had for 10 years. He's definitely on the apps a lot less but he's on there every chance he gets when he's alone (usually his lunch break or when we're out in public in a new area). I did mention that when he moves in within the next year that we should all delete our apps but he didn't give me a firm answer, he said but how will be ever find other gay friends? Like no... We can find friends anywhere, not guys on Grindr who claim to only want friendships but then try to fk you the second we meet.
Brikenbur Posted July 15 Posted July 15 (edited) It sounds messy and honestly if a guy (particularly gay) thinks it's ok to be on Grindr and Snapchat flirting with guys 10 mos. into your relationship after you expressed to him your concerns and opinions on the matter, i think it's time you just wipe your hands clean of the situation because it won't get any better Edited July 15 by Brikenbur 9
Oktober Knight Posted July 15 Author Posted July 15 4 minutes ago, Illuminati said: Aren't you a throuple? You're kinda leaving out your other partner just the same as your bf does on grindr. 2 minutes ago, glitch said: Weren't you married and then in a throuple? Yes I was trying to dodge confusion for the members that didn't know So may as well give the full spectrum. My husband stopped using the apps early on and he doesn't give AF about our bf chatting with other guys. HOWEVER, he did say that if it bothers me so much that I need to speak up. And if our bf isn't willing to comply then a decision needs to be made. My husband is very neutral in this situation. 5 11 2
drip drop Posted July 15 Posted July 15 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said: And that's where I'm stuck. I feel forced to be ok with him chatting with other guys and not ever question it or his loyalty. But I love him too much to lose him so I guess I gotta let him have his fun. don't be a loser. break up with him. do this for your mental health. there are tens, hundreds of other men who will respect your boundaries. anyways Edited July 15 by drip drop
Cain Posted July 15 Posted July 15 2 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said: He's definitely on the apps a lot less but he's on there every chance he gets when he's alone (usually his lunch break or when we're out in public in a new area). Okay but this is kind of… unhealthy? I'm single and I'm not even on Grindr on my lunchbreak 2
vuelve88 Posted July 15 Posted July 15 (edited) It sounds like a relationship of convenience to him and he's keeping his options open under the guise of "looking for new friends". Edited July 15 by vuelve88 3
John Slayne Posted July 15 Posted July 15 Wait, what happened to your husband? And the throuple? Anyway, he is definitely going to have sex with other men at some point. If you are monogamous you need to find someone who feels the same way, clearly this guy enjoys the attention of other men and even goes as far as sexting, that's just one step away from sex irl. If you are taking this relationship seriously and are making long-term plans, ask yourself this: Is this person going to be able to NOT have sex with anyone but you for the next 50 years? If the answer is no then you either need to accept an open relationship or breakup with him. 1
Popular Post tost1 Posted July 15 Popular Post Posted July 15 1 minute ago, Oktober Knight said: Yes I was trying to dodge confusion for the members that didn't know So may as well give the full spectrum. My husband stopped using the apps early on and he doesn't give AF about our bf chatting with other guys. HOWEVER, he did say that if it bothers me so much that I need to speak up. And if our bf isn't willing to comply then a decision needs to be made. My husband is very neutral in this situation. So you have a husband and a boyfriend? Is the boyfriend also your husband's boyfriend? I really don't understand anythinf 1 50
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