discussion Am I the problem here? [Dumb friend group drama]

[Specter]

So I don't usually do these types of threads — first time, actually — but recently I've been going through some interpersonal mess. 

 

Some basic, short context:

 

-Have been back to grad school, at a really good/globally renowned university. This is relevant because coursework is really hard; requiring focus and dedication. 

-Made a friend group. Almost all women. 

-They're nice, and we've been hanging out for a while now. We've known each other for like 4 months... 

 

I recently decided to distance myself from them. I did it cordially by telling them via several essays and voice notes (this is a norm in this group by the way, and I'm okay with it. If I just distanced silently I would be yelled at), and 2/3 members of the group took it well, albeit with a lot of emotional duress. The last one was angry but I think she came around. 

 

I did this because this group just made me feel awful at times, but I can't tell if it's me projecting or not. For starters, they're 3–4 years younger than me and they — especially one girl who's no spring chicken either lol 2.5years younger than me — often make that felt in a derogatory way, which is very immature. 

 

A short instance is a friend reviewing my academic paper. She goes "wow I can't write like this!" and the other friend goes "well yeah because you're not [insert my age here]"  One argument I had with this friend was about some rude **** she had said, of which one very minor thing was to tell me to give up on doing an assignment in one night — something I can and did do — because "yeah you may have been able to do that in college but you're [insert age] now" fjghu. 

 

I guess I'm particularly bothered by this because I'm the youngest in my family (aberrantly so) and I feel, in a very Alfred-Adler-Birth-Order way, very estranged and alienated from my family significantly due to that. Always felt out of time. 

 

This is a small reason though. I'm trying to work on my mental health, and we have different coping mechanisms. They cope by going out and literally shoplifting from Sephora. I stay home and reflect/feel sad. These two don't work, leading in me always having to feel bad for not going out with them. And honestly a lot of things they do seem toxic to me, such as not being able to control their liquor whenever we drink and ending up in colourful situations that I have to clean/manage/stress about. They also consistently get in the way of my academic work, of which I have significantly more than them. And over the last two months they've fought each other like twice, making me intervene

 

What do y'all think? Am I just dramatic? 

Edited January 14 by Phantom

[Danny789]

I can tell by your writing style that you’re a lot, but if they make you feel uncomfortable then you have every right to distance yourself. 

[Specter]

2 minutes ago, Danny789 said:

I can tell by your writing style that you’re a lot

Fkfmfmn I hate this site  this made me yelp.

 

I just like writing paragraphs what's the problem 😭

[Katamari]

yeah they do seem quite toxic  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Juánny]

It's not dramatic to want to distance yourself from people if they aren't contributing positively to your life. Creating that time and space to give to people in your life who uplift you is so important. It can be difficult to explain to folks who aren't equipped themselves to see your line of reasoning, so feel affirmed that you did what was good for you in the moment to keep your boundaries and make more time for your personal development. No one is perfect and will ever have a perfect approach to all situations, so keep that self-compassion for yourself alive. 

 

Jokes about your age, just roll with them. They usually don't come from a place of true malice and I'm sure those folks didn't mean that much harm by it. As you get older they will become more frequent, and as you process the fact that you will not be young some day and sort of embrace that, you can be more free from being too affected by little things such as this that are ultimately meaningless. Hope that helps in any way. 

[Curaga]

Sounds like they were not good friends for you, so whether or not they think you’re overdramatic/problematic, it sounds like you did what was best for your mental health and personal life. 

[Mordecai]

Honestly what you've said about them just sounds like banter with the occasional shade, nothing bad. Spend a day with my friends/family and you'll know what real banter and shade is 

 

But to answer your question, if you think they're toxic, just end the friendship, you don't owe them anything. I'd just be upfront with them though, tell them what makes you feel uncomfortable and why it does. If they're your friends they'll understand. If they don't and you don't want to cut them off completely, you can just have them as those friends you have at arm's length. Those friends that you hang out with every once in a while but don't talk to everyday and spend all your time with.

 

I just went through a kind of similar situation with my friend. We both want to hang out more with each other this year and then I suggested all these things we could do (which would involve alcohol/drinking to an extent). She skirted around it for a bit before outright saying she doesn't want to drink in 2024 because in the past she's spent too much money on alcohol and can't handle her liquor, and that was it. It's that simple (or maybe it is for me because I'm just a straight up person oop)

[Cain]

Maybe I just don’t get that attached to people but if I notice stuff isn’t working out I distance myself, but I don’t write said people essays about it  you can just do that quietly 

 

Also the age comments didn’t seem that rude to me? But a simply asking them to stop mentioning your age should do it

[Specter]

2 minutes ago, Mordecai said:

Honestly what you've said about them just sounds like banter with the occasional shade, nothing bad. Spend a day with my friends/family and you'll know what real banter and shade is

Oh when banter/shade happens I can always tell — would never be like this if it were banter, but there's something non-banter-y about the tone I've noticed. 

 

We shade each other back and forth over our love lives or lack thereof, and it's always funny. But usually, at least with two people in the group, there's some weird... gravity that takes hold when they make jokes. Not sure what that is. Once one of them joked about murdering another friend's dad (who did not have a good relationship with her dad but like ) 

[Specter]

1 minute ago, Cain said:

but I don’t write said people essays about it  you can just do that quietly 

I should add this is one of those groups. Totally get how it could look insufferable to write essays but this is something /everyone/ in the group does when it comes to things like this. If I did it quietly they'd fight me because apparently it is "owed" to justify. 

 

And I hear you on the attachment thing, it's same for me tbh. 

[Cain]

Just now, Phantom said:

I should add this is one of those groups. Totally get how it could look insufferable to write essays but this is something /everyone/ in the group does when it comes to things like this. If I did it quietly they'd fight me because apparently it is "owed" to justify. 

 

And I hear you on the attachment thing, it's same for me tbh. 

Ahh see this is already a major ick to me djdj, ***** I don’t owe you ****

[wehavetostan]

I feel like writing essays to friends is a lot. From what you’ve wrote here I don’t think they’re benefiting you

[suburbannature]

I don't think it's a problem to distance yourself from a friend group with interests (e.g. shoplifting, excessive drinking) that are becoming increasingly troubling or simply less relevant to your current lifestyle; however, I would have done it in a more concise manner. I don't think a series of essays and voice notes did you any favors and probably just prolonged the drama instead of allowing you to set a boundary and move on with your life. 

 

Another thing to consider - friendships don't need to be binary/all-or-nothing. If you are interested in maintaining relationships with some of the women separate from the activities of which you want no part, you can simply establish boundaries within the relationships. If they respect that and can adapt, perfect, but you may find that they are not willing or able to do so. You can only control your own behavior. 

[ImsoLOUD]

They cope by going out and literally shoplifting from Sephora. 

 

   

 

OT: Don’t let anyone gaslight you. If the “age” jokes offended you, that is valid. While there may not be ill intent on their end, that does not make their comments okay. You’ve only known them for 4 months. Giving them any kind of notice regarding your choice to distance yourself is much more generous than what I would do. 

[HASHTAGPOW]

I would rather ask ChatGDP than ATRL sis 

[Attitude]

Snitch on them about the shoplifting. It'll be hilarious.

[tost1]

I'm sorry, but I think you are being overly dramatic. You've known each other for only 4 months, if you don't like them just don't hang out with them, easy as that.

[Axolotl]

Honestly, it really depends if you think those friendships are worth it. You don't have to put yourself through something uncomfortable for you when you can just go out and find people who actually uplift you. Do take note though and do some self-reflection because sometimes it might be you who's the problem, not necessarily saying that you are in this scenario.

Edited January 14 by Axolotl

[punisher]

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Edited January 14 by punisher

[discosean]

I think you're better off without these people. 

[Specter]

52 minutes ago, Juanny said:

 

Thank you for such a thoughtful post!

 

40 minutes ago, wehavetostan said:

I feel like writing essays to friends is a lot

I agree but just based on past tiffs unrelated to me, it seems that this is what is "normal" here...I don't mind it personally because I am honestly suited to it; but I obv vary it from person to person.

 

40 minutes ago, suburbannature said:

 

 

And yes. Well, I do want to at least interact with them on an individual level but — and this is just subjective/generalization, which perhaps @punisher can attest to given their recent post — that all-girl groups tend to sort of...close ranks? I'm someone that typically gets along with all gender groups; but in my (again, personal and limited) experience with women groups it seems like they're sort of unifying (which is funny to me in this context because I am the guy they go to whine about each other dddd).

 

15 minutes ago, Attitude said:

Snitch on them about the shoplifting. It'll be hilarious.

 

11 minutes ago, tost1 said:

I'm sorry, but I think you are being overly dramatic. You've known each other for only 4 months, if you don't like them just don't hang out with them, easy as that.

Okay, fair enough! I just wanted to/felt like I had to contextualize why I upped and left out of the blue. 4 months is nothing but it had gotten close.

[Topaz]

Listen, life is too short to be with people you're not happy with. Move on and find better friends. 

[Bimbo]

People outgrow their friends all the time, let alone a 4 month friendship. I'm only using 'outgrow' because them interfering with your academic work is just like when a friend gets a job and the jobless ones can't relate anymore and don't understand the new lifestyle.

 

That aside, I remember having a group of friends one semester in college and fully stopping being part of that group when I found "my people" and we're still friendly if we see each other, that happened to other people too. I think the only thing making this entire thing awkward is the actual acknowledgment of the situation with essays and voicenotes, that makes it feel like a breakup

[Dolce Vita]

girl why waste your time hanging out with people who you dgaf about and don’t make you happy? doing wha ya best for you really is all that matters regardless of what anyone else has to say and if they’re okay with that or not

[Archetype]

2 hours ago, Phantom said:

They cope by going out and literally shoplifting from Sephora.

Wait so you’re voluntarily friends with people who shoplift from Sephora?  Re-read everything you wrote and then assess from the perspective of a third party.  Your friends are immature rude losers, dump them.