discussion Is ATRL emotionally underdeveloped?

[zasderfght]

Almost every other week, I see posts about not dating someone because they're too fat, in the past I've seen posts knocking feminine men, and I just have to think, are these people emotionally underdeveloped? 

 

I'm in my 20s, so I am by no means an expert on life, but is it that troublesome to try to be a decent human being? When I go on dates, I'm not rejecting people based on their waistline or if their voice isn't as deep as Vin Diesel's. And I say this as a slender gay man that has been confused by some people for being straight (of course, some people could pick up I was gay; I guess people are just weird like that). 

 

How about learning to embrace people for who they are? I'm not saying you have to give EVERYONE a chance, but for these guys being super critical about certain subsections of gay men, maybe the reason your relationships/hookups/dates end catastrophically is because you're thinking primarily about looks. 

 

I promise you, there is more to people than just their looks. And I say this as someone that has dated conventionally attractive guys. The guys worth bringing home were guys that maybe weren't 10s in the look department, but were guys that actually cared about what I wanted to do for a living, my boundaries, getting to know intimate people in my life, etc. It's kind of sad and disappointing seeing people be this judgmental. 

[GentleEarthquake]

ATRL is underdeveloped in many things

[Rotunda]

Yes a lot of people on atrl are emotionally immature. No, their rigid dating preferences aren’t necessarily a reflection of that emotional immaturity. You are not inherently more or less mature because certain physical characteristics don’t matter to you, you just conceptualize attractiveness differently. 

 

What makes a lot of atrlers immature is how they treat people or talk about people they don’t have an interest in, not necessarily that they don’t have an interest in those people. 

[phreshprince]

This entire website is a joke. The people who take this job seriously… people TROLL. Some are more slick than others. This site is designed to be an escape… @ ATRL Mods 

[zasderfght]

4 minutes ago, Rotunda said:

Yes a lot of people on atrl are emotionally immature. No, their rigid dating preferences aren’t necessarily a reflection of that emotional immaturity. You are not inherently more or less mature because certain physical characteristics don’t matter to you, you just conceptualize attractiveness differently. 

 

What makes a lot of atrlers immature is how they treat people or talk about people they don’t have an interest in, not necessarily that they don’t have an interest in those people. 

You raise a fair point. Maturity can be seen more clearly in people's responses and dialogue than their preferences, necessarily. 

[themroshawottguy]

Severely. But, welcome to Pop/Stan culture. 

 

Excelsior. 

[Rotunda]

Just now, zasderfght said:

You raise a fair point. Maturity can be seen more clearly in people's responses and dialogue than their preferences, necessarily. 

I do agree with you that people with very rigid preferences come off as ridiculous, and some of the things I wanted in a partner at 18-21 seem trivial to me now,  but not every preference is something we should expect people to grow out of.

 

 

[Frappucino]

[Dancehall Queen]

I don’t think it’s just an atrl thing and it’s not even just a gay thing. I assume it’s a combination of apps, porn, and hook up culture in general? It’s basically become like ordering off a delivery app.  People have their criteria and just find someone that checks as many boxes as possible. If there’s tons of options and you’re not searching for anything serious, it’s simply the most efficient way of looking. 
 

Eventually people become so desensitized to everything that they’ll express all those thoughts. Most people learned they have to keep their race preferences silent by now, but everything else is still mostly seen as fair game. As soon as culture changes enough, people will adapt. Most of that is just surface level though, people will have the same beliefs but not express them. 

 

All that being said, I much rather focus on the people who feel excluded and question if they consider each other. The guy who isn’t interested in men who use exclamation marks was never an option, don’t lose sleep over him. Bob the Drag Queen always approaches similar topics like this (unforgivably rough paraphrase: if the white masc muscle gay is only interested in other white masc muscle gays, then why are you interested in him?) Even if culture is a certain way, I think people can work against it within themselves. 

[Lady Claire]

The immature ones are usually the youngest, the gays who think that "hot guys" are the only ones who's worth it and basically freak out trying to be like them or to hook up with them. Once they grow up, they start to find out there's more out there and a place to fit in. A place they can feel comfortable and loved by someone, regardless of their looks or status.

 

Some guys doesn't seem to go through this phase and just displays their toxic behavior, by hiding their racism, fatphobia, internalized homophobia under a "preference" excuse. And some of them are just frustrated because they can't seem to find someone since the guys they look up to doesn't give a **** about them lol

 

There's both cases on ATRL and some members shows their true colors on certain threads - i feel like some of them are just trolling but others are indeed trash. I feel sad for these ones.

[Jotham]

It boggles my mind how most of the people here are in their thirties or late twenties yet they seem so naive and ignorant on so many topics.

[Nano]

Here's another idea: let people like what they like.

[Alldeezy]

that's people in general. 

[zasderfght]

6 minutes ago, Nano said:

Here's another idea: let people like what they like.

Fair. But these are the same people whining that their ex was toxic/abusive, when that "hot" guy had toxic and abusive traits. Not saying just because a guy is hot he's abusive, but ATRLers tend to gravitate towards hot and toxic men. Or at least that's the impression I get when I read their ex drama in The Lounge.

[zasderfght]

10 minutes ago, Jotham said:

It boggles my mind how most of the people here are in their thirties or late twenties yet they seem so naive and ignorant on so many topics.

Seriously. I know not everyone can afford mental health services, but if you can, use your coins and see a licensed therapist. Seeing a therapist literally changed my life for the better. 

[Nano]

1 minute ago, zasderfght said:

Fair. But these are the same people whining that their ex was toxic/abusive, when that "hot" guy had toxic and abusive traits. Not saying just because a guy is hot he's abusive, but ATRLers tend to gravitate towards hot and toxic men. Or at least that's the impression I get when I read their ex drama in The Lounge.

Toxic and abusive guys need love too.

[State of Grace.]

36 minutes ago, GentleEarthquake said:

ATRL is underdeveloped in many things

[zasderfght]

14 minutes ago, Lady Claire said:

The immature ones are usually the youngest, the gays who think that "hot guys" are the only ones who's worth it and basically freak out trying to be like them or to hook up with them. Once they grow up, they start to find out there's more out there and a place to fit in. A place they can feel comfortable and loved by someone, regardless of their looks or status.

 

Some guys doesn't seem to go through this phase and just displays their toxic behavior, by hiding their racism, fatphobia, internalized homophobia under a "preference" excuse. And some of them are just frustrated because they can't seem to find someone since the guys they look up to doesn't give a **** about them lol

 

There's both cases on ATRL and some members shows their true colors on certain threads - i feel like some of them are just trolling but others are indeed trash. I feel sad for these ones.

100%. Not to mention, people think it's edgy to say things like fatphobia don't exist, when people have the audacity to make comments like "I didn't date a guy because he was too fat." How is that NOT fat phobic? 

 

Or when people say things like "I don't date black guys." 

 

It truly boggles my mind. 

[Donquizote]

How is it emotionally underdeveloped if I have preference on whom I want to date?

[Into The Void]

I mean I'm single cause the guys in my city are shallow and proud of it 

[Mr. Blue_Shirt]

1 hour ago, Jotham said:

It boggles my mind how most of the people here are in their thirties or late twenties yet they seem so naive and ignorant on so many topics.

And they're proud of it too 

 

I get some people are just not growing out of their immaturity as they aged

[blueberries]

nothing wrong with not wanting to date ugly people

[Archetype]

Came here hoping to see a post on how this forum is way too overly sensitive, but this is cute.  Not sure if “emotional intelligence” is the right term to be using here tho.

[Sugar-Rush]

Asking if stans are immature? Well yeah.

[Bencharmer]

3 hours ago, Lady Claire said:

The immature ones are usually the youngest, the gays who think that "hot guys" are the only ones who's worth it and basically freak out trying to be like them or to hook up with them. Once they grow up, they start to find out there's more out there and a place to fit in. A place they can feel comfortable and loved by someone, regardless of their looks or status.

 

Some guys doesn't seem to go through this phase and just displays their toxic behavior, by hiding their racism, fatphobia, internalized homophobia under a "preference" excuse. And some of them are just frustrated because they can't seem to find someone since the guys they look up to doesn't give a **** about them lol

 

There's both cases on ATRL and some members shows their true colors on certain threads - i feel like some of them are just trolling but others are indeed trash. I feel sad for these ones.

I wouldn't have written it better.