SaintWest Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 My impact Not my thankful comment turned against me. :jonny
fountain Posted July 6, 2017 Author Posted July 6, 2017 Aurora's Final Reviews @beatinglikeadrum @funnellegs @Nait Phoenix @Gastrodonatella @Glassmouth@Hug @mxtthewdelrey @FCKNAmbrosia @Tsareena @SaintWest @RihsusChrist(ATG) @UFO @Lane Boy @OreGuy beatinglikeadrum – “1 Stone” I liked the central idea behind the one stone and how you applied it to a few different scenarios. There was the two birds with one stone idiom, throwing stones imagery, there was the subject of resilience, but it could also have been something used to build with. I think the explicit language was a bit too much, it’s fine used sparingly but there was so much of it here, it doesn’t make for great lyricism. Overall this was a nice way to end your season and I wish you the best! funnellegs – “No Saviour” The subject matter of this song was definitely something worth working with but honestly I’m a little underwhelmed with the execution I’m sorry to say. I think it would have been nicer to see something a little more introspective and personal that had real heart and you could feel the conflict and indecision, that’s something I’ve felt in a few of your songs actually. I just think you need to put more of yourself into the songs because they’re lacking that personal connection for me, especially when you tend to write about such personal things. Best of luck with the finale. Nait Phoenix – “Amber” Straight to the point, I feel this is a classic case of having a good melody in mind and writing to fit that mental picture we’re never going to get. The lyrics suffer because of this and that’s against everything PH is about. It wasn’t bad but nothing really stood out either. There was a lot of lazy lyricism and too much repetition without it seeming catchy enough to warrant it. I’ve loved several of your works both in the past and in this competition so overall I’m hoping you do well. Gastrodonatella – “Uprooted” There was a lot that could be worked upon here but for the most part there were the bones of something good here. A lot of the rhyming was lazy, there were some questionable word choices, but the theme was good and the way you kept to it and progressed throughout the song was good. It just needed some more finessing. I feel like you’ve done quite well in this competition and I hope you have surprised yourself in some ways and continue progressing your lyric writing techniques because you definitely have a natural aptitude for it, it’s up to you how far you’d like to see you can go. Good luck! Glassmouth – “Anthony” I honestly loved this. Is was simple in an authentic way without it seeming contrived, it was personal while still somewhat relatable, there weren’t any awkward syntaxes or forced rhymes, the titular lyric/metaphor was unique and clever. What a way to finish this season, honestly my favourite song of yours. I hope this serves you well for the finale! Hug – “Fantastrophe / Nostalgia” I like the made up word, it’s awesome. Nostalgia is always a winner, too. This was quite simply magical. “Drowned in Neon” is found floating, washed up in a dirty river somewhere. I’d make a Pulse joke but I feel that would be distasteful. Good luck! mxtthewdelrey – “Thinking About Legmeat 3THREE…” Did you just invent a new song section? Pre-pre-chorus? (Post-verse would be better perhaps?) I love it. This was art. “A rat could never look this good” is lyric of the season for me. The “iPad” through “weigh” lyrics were also pretty great. Lucks! FCKNAmbrosia – “Weekdays Faded Star…” This title. I kinda didn’t like this at all at first and then by the end of the song I loved it. A very interesting concept, I like your mind. Lyrically, it could definitely do with some improving. Lazy rhymes thanks to prolonged rhyme schemes, some awkward lyrics and such but overall the base concept was definitely something well above average. The weird af title actually worked well… didn’t need the second part though (She etc.) You’ve been a fun addition to the usual PH cast and for the most part I’ve enjoyed your unique approach to songwriting. Good luck! Tsareena – “John Hancock” Is this a Joanne outtake? The spoken outro may as well have just been a description, it kinda is messy as a part of the song. It was quite crude but kinda interesting at the same time. The bridge was definitely a no. The rap was a kii. Overall it wasn’t my fave of yours, but it wasn’t bad either. I think you’ve been another great addition to the PH family and I hope you’ll return for PH11, best wishes for the finale. SaintWest – “afterthought | aging” I love how extra this title and formatting is. This kind of reminds me of a (sadly not as good) version of 8thPrince’s song “Erased” from last season. That’s honestly all I have to say about that. Not you rhyming “age” with “aged”. This really didn’t live up to Midsummer or S.A.D. in any way, shape or form and fell a bit flat for me, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t that bad but there wasn’t a lot I loved about it either I’m afraid to say. That 1-2 punch is still one of the best in the competition so I’m rooting for you like crazy, hope you can finish up nicely. You submitted every week which is more than most can say. RihsusChrist(ATG) – “Asian Delight” This was not my cup of tea, nor did I find it lyrically impressive for the most part. The rhyming was far too obvious and without connection to one another throughout the entire piece. Not the best Asian delight I’ve tasted, I’m afraid. Needed more sesame oil. UFO – “Dear Whoever Is Listening” That cover, whew. I really enjoyed this. One thing about your writing style when you write songs like this I really appreciate is the care you put into each lyric, and that’s so important. You convey so much and I’d rather a longer song that conveys a lot of interesting information than a shorter song with punchier lyrics that are too short to say anything impressive or long-lasting. You’re forever evolving and I really like that about you. Good luck and hopefully you’ll place above #6! (“live alive” was very “Break Free” Ariana and a mess, btw!) Lane Boy – “Neon Shadows” Hmm, “By replacing a hand for a knife” is an odd way to word this because it seems like you’re giving up the hand for the knife due to the order of the two (to rhyme with life) when I know you mean it the other way around. Just something to consider. Is this my favourite song of yours? Probably not… but it’s still nice. I think you recycled some lyrics here and there from earlier parts in the song to later parts of the song (something about being electric and having fuses) and that specific repetition felt odd. Otherwise this is a pretty nice entry. I’ve really enjoyed you work probably the most consistently throughout the competition out of anyone and I’m rooting for you! OreGuy – “Why Do We Need To Say Goodbye?” This was short and sweet, and it’s definitely a relatable concept. I think some further expansion would have been nice… is this about death specifically or just about moving on and falling out and not seeing people for a while etc. and a bridge could have really elevated this I think and given it more texture. But this was one of your better entries, not as good as your song for my label though! Good luck in the finale.
Glassmouth Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) Im finally getting positive reviews my broken heart, ha impact Edited July 6, 2017 by Glassmouth
SaintWest Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 4 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: SaintWest – “afterthought | aging” I love how extra this title and formatting is. This kind of reminds me of a (sadly not as good) version of 8thPrince’s song “Erased” from last season. That’s honestly all I have to say about that. Not you rhyming “age” with “aged”. This really didn’t live up to Midsummer or S.A.D. in any way, shape or form and fell a bit flat for me, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t that bad but there wasn’t a lot I loved about it either I’m afraid to say. That 1-2 punch is still one of the best in the competition so I’m rooting for you like crazy, hope you can finish up nicely. You submitted every week which is more Thank you sis
mxtthewdelrey Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 2 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: mxtthewdelrey – “Thinking About Legmeat 3THREE…” Did you just invent a new song section? Pre-pre-chorus? (Post-verse would be better perhaps?) I love it. This was art. “A rat could never look this good” is lyric of the season for me. The “iPad” through “weigh” lyrics were also pretty great. Lucks! If this review was a song, it would be a total 10 from me stunning,i love it
Hug Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 5 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Hug – Fantastrophe / Nostalgia N sis, what is that title? I kinda like it but it sounds like a Fantasia album or something. You’re serving Gabe with that title too. Is he a judge this season? The pandering! Let me start with what I don’t like. The whole prechorus could be deleted. I’ve seen practically the same words written over and over during my tenure as a PH judge, and I don’t really feel like the fancy color names add anything to the song. “Those of a child” just sounds a little awkward to me. Maybe it would work better sung, but it seems awkward on paper. Now to the positives: Nostalgia. Basically the whole song. Honestly, just delete Fantasia and you’ve got a 9+ song. That first verse PUNCHES. “Even if I reprised my former role/I’d rather not go behind the scenes” woo lawd. Whereas Phantasmagoria’s emotion all seems contrived and forced into big words, Nostalgia feels natural and real, all while staying wrapped in a clever metaphor with great execution. Did my long ass explanation not make it to the Google doc? Not like the title matters. I was inspired by Gabe, though I used the gems specifically because they always carried a "fantasy" vibe with them, which is what I wanted for that part, everything was supposed to be magical like a fairy tale. I do know that it's not the most novel idea, though, so point taken! I do agree that Nostalgia was the stronger half, but I feel like what I did with Nostalgia said everything I wanted to, and extending it to a full song would only drag it down. That's what I felt about both of them, actually, so that's why I decided to combine them into one. 3 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Hug – “Fantastrophe / Nostalgia” I like the made up word, it’s awesome. Nostalgia is always a winner, too. This was quite simply magical. “Drowned in Neon” is found floating, washed up in a dirty river somewhere. I’d make a Pulse joke but I feel that would be distasteful. Good luck! Oop, thank you. That's what I was going for so I'm glad it worked for someone, at least!
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted July 6, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted July 6, 2017 3 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Tsareena – “John Hancock” Is this a Joanne outtake? The spoken outro may as well have just been a description, it kinda is messy as a part of the song. It was quite crude but kinda interesting at the same time. The bridge was definitely a no. The rap was a kii. Overall it wasn’t my fave of yours, but it wasn’t bad either. I think you’ve been another great addition to the PH family and I hope you’ll return for PH11, best wishes for the finale. omg thanks. I've learnt so much on here. So glad I participated
beatinglikeadrum Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Well, I submitted every week (we are not talking about quality though)
fountain Posted July 6, 2017 Author Posted July 6, 2017 Just now, Gastrodonatella said: more than you can say too
SaintWest Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 5 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: more than you can say too nn gassy has been waiting for that drag for too long
Glassmouth Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 13 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Glassmouth – Anthony Oh wow. When I judge songs, I look at three things equally; technical writing, imagery/word choice, and emotion. The latter two categories, especially the third, were flawless. I could feel every emotion, it was as though I was in that cab with you. And it was excruciating, in a good way. I may have gotten a chill or two. There were some excellent individual lines. “I’m speaking tongues that the driver won’t know” just hit me for some reason. The whole song was so confessional, but I couldn’t tell if you were confessing to yourself or your crush. I think that’s a great thing. The middle section, the whole “If I was a different guy/If I lied to you” was brilliant as well. Now, the one area I found a bit lacking was the technical aspect of the song. I know English isn’t your first language, and that showed a little. “Songs that were in the #1” was the most blatant example of this. A few other lines, like “the stars suddenly turned into flashing lights” left a lot to be desired. Overall, I loved the song as a reader/potential listener. The song really hit home for me, but I couldn’t quite overlook some of the technical errors. 7 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: Glassmouth – “Anthony” I honestly loved this. Is was simple in an authentic way without it seeming contrived, it was personal while still somewhat relatable, there weren’t any awkward syntaxes or forced rhymes, the titular lyric/metaphor was unique and clever. What a way to finish this season, honestly my favourite song of yours. I hope this serves you well for the finale! Oh my, the fact that this is a song based on my life/heartbreak in every single aspect makes these reviews even more special
Galah Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 4 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: more than you can say too dahsdlkasjldals bitch
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 9 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: RihsusChrist(ATG) – Asian Delight I cringed just typing that title into my word document. Potsticker was better, please ask fefe for advice next time you try to write a racist bop. I kinda envisioned it as Lady Gaga's "Starstruck" meets Macklemore having a good time in Asia...
fountain Posted July 6, 2017 Author Posted July 6, 2017 4 minutes ago, Hug said: Did my long ass explanation not make it to the Google doc? ff yes ofc course, what kinda sabotage if i deleted stuff. if anything im usually helping people because some people send their entries looking like **** with huge gaps that make no sense because of the inbox issues
fountain Posted July 6, 2017 Author Posted July 6, 2017 Temporal's Final Reviews @beatinglikeadrum @funnellegs @Nait Phoenix @Gastrodonatella @Glassmouth@Hug @mxtthewdelrey @FCKNAmbrosia @Tsareena @SaintWest @RihsusChrist(ATG) @UFO @Lane Boy @OreGuy BeatingLikeADrum - Stone To be honest, this was really disappointing. This was sporadic in every sense: the lines didn’t logically flow, there was no rhyme scheme to keep this grounded nor any meter, and there was no movement in this piece; it felt entirely stagnant. You tried to do way too much with too little. - “With the waterfall of your words” would work better as simply “With your waterfall of words” For some reason, I’ve always come to expect a lot from you, though I’ve never scored you very well. I can see that there is a lot going on in your mind, but it never *translates* ( ) very well. Writing in a language that isn’t your own is unbelievably hard (I could never) so although you’re not at the same caliber as some of the other contestants, you probably put in twice as much work, which is hard not to admire. Funnellegs - No Saviour This was cute. Felt more poem-y for sure as a stylistic thing, but nothing was terribly offensive. The rhymes were a bit eh, especially in the first chorus (“Trace/Faith/Face/Place/Grace” was extra), and some more emotional injection would really elevate this as it read very placid-ly. Well, your overarching theme of losing a friend #FLOPPED Overall you’ve been a fairly consistent player, for me you’ve always scored between 5.5-7.5. You’ve displayed all the elements of good songwriting at one point or another, just never in the same piece at the same time The biggest thing for you going forward would be to not only use your more creative concepts, but also combining that with a lyrical style that shows more than tells. Nait Phoenix This was another one of your entries that reads like it would work *far* better as an actual song. Just reading this without any idea of what’s going on in your head melodically or whatnot doesn’t do this piece any favors. The bridge was really cliché (especially the first four lines), the language was overly simple, and I don’t see this as much of a finale song. Though this entry was a bit more uncharacteristically off for you, you’ve actually been one of the most polished players this season I think. I think you’ve reached the phase of *actually* writing for the music and not the charts as a PH veteran, but even then you’ve done that quite successfully. Though I encourage you to keep experimenting, your really conceptualized pieces have been the most successful, so I would love to see you keep toying with those. Gastrodonatella - Uprooted “That your seed grew from my tears” I was already irked by this being the third usage of the word “seed” in like, five lines, but “your seed” just struck me the wrong way So I was confused a little bit the first time I read, but by the second time I think it came together nicely. I really liked this concept, though I wasn’t wild about the seed metaphor and some the word choices. I thought the narrative had a nice pace to it though it could be read as somewhat predictable. I think you peaked at exactly the right time. I think you’re still working out how to play the game, but you’re definitely more on the right track than you were when you began. I think you should continue to play it a bit safe conceptually and stylistically (like this and Moonbeam Bridge), while making minor adjustments each round to figure what does and doesn’t work for you. Then, you can dive into the deep end and take more risks. Glassmouth - Anthony Awwww :( This was gut wrenching to read honestly. You kept the emotional punches coming; you didn’t hold back and I felt all of your desperation. I’ll fully disclaim that I might’ve felt totally different if I didn’t relate to this, but ****, I did, and I imagine a lot of other people will too. - “I only saw the blank space in between our lips” this was confusing, I didn’t know if this meant y’all kissed or if you didn’t. - “My mouth is filled with broken glass” LOVED this line. Okay now you saved the best for last, I have to wonder what you’ll do next. You’ve had really conceptual entries like last week, really simple entries, all with varying levels of success. This week you proved you have the potential, now you just have to harness it so that it’s not a fluke. The mixture of imagery and narration this week was masterful, I think it would serve you well to continue with that balance. Hug - Fantastrophe / Nostalgia This was a really, really interesting approach. I will say that Fantastrophe is definitely the superior half, and even with the written transition the shift was still jarring. I think a combined chorus with both “songs” at the end would’ve been a killer finale assuming you could’ve made it work. What is there to say about you at this point in your PH career? You're perfect, you're beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista, you're a model everything about you is perfect! Did you stone those tights? Just keep doing what you’re doing, I love it and it’s obviously been working out for you very well. Mxtthewdelrey ………. Wow. 10. Going off of Nait’s season blurb, I think you’ve truly been the most “idgaf” contestant ever, and probably the most… unique as well. Slay. FCKNAmbrosia - Weekdays Faded Star, Weekend Cheap Pornstar – She and the Other She Well, this was certainly an interesting title, though the actual song was far less intriguing. The structure of the song was one of the more confusing aspects since the first verse had a really nice flow to it while the second was just a large block of text that didn’t have a lyrical flow to it at all. The second verse definitely needed to be watered down a bit. Some of the actual prose itself went a bit above my head as well, especially in the beginning. You’ve been a really creative writer this season. I can definitely see an alternative-pop influence on your style and concepts, and it’s really cool to be able to see that. You’ve actually been one of my favorite writers this season, always bringing something new and innovative to the table with generally solid success. I think going down the line it may be helpful for you to focus on your prose instead of your concepts, as that’s where your songs get bogged down; I don’t feel like all of your thoughts are coming across there. Tsareena - John Hancock Well, this was quite the entry! I really wanted to like it more than I did, but the meter/flow was just so clunky it made the whole piece come up short. I liked how this was both a clever metaphor and salacious but both aspects felt fully realized. But yeah, the meter was hard to overlook. The outdo should’ve been the intro actually. I think for you, you’re very much like FCKNAmbrosia in that your concepts seem to outpace your prose and style. There’s often awkward word/rhyme choice, and meter is generally inconsistent. I think focusing on technical grounding will benefit you the most in the future. SaintWest - Afterthought / Aging Well this was cayute. Aging was definitely the best section; though the entire piece was /very/ poem-y, Afterthought was a bit too ARTPOP for me. There were so many images going on in that section that I felt thrashed around from stanza to stanza. Aging was quite nice though, I can forgive the lack of song-ness because the style was just so on point. You’ve really moved mountains since you first began this game, whew. I’ve really enjoyed your entries this season, and you’ve really come into your own. I think your style is great, and you’ve started moving to more conceptual pieces, which is awesome. Your Jorcrux I think is that your entries are often too short! They feel underdeveloped most of the time when if you finished them, you would be delivering 8s like Adele delivers Diamond albums. I’m really excited to see what you do in the future! RihsusChristATG - Asian Delight Mkay… Your Starlord era has arrived. You’ve been an… interesting writer this season. Your Round 4 and Round 5 entries were rather good, while the rest were so sporadic and *unique*. I’m not sure what you’re going for in this game, whether it’s to really improve your writing or have fun (both approaches are perfectly acceptable), but if you want the former, your Round 4 and 5 entries are what you should be focusing on more for sure. UFO - Dear Whoever is Listening Whomever* you incompetent slut. Good lord though this was a chore to read, SO many words. You could’ve cut the weakest stanza from each section and ended up with a much stronger song, though even then each line could use some trimming as well. I think you bit off a lot to chew, with varying levels of success. Overall I did like this stylistically and conceptually, but there was just so much going on. I feel like I never noticed before how verbose you are That’s got to be your biggest challenge. You’ve obviously been quite successful in this game, but generally, a bit sporadic, as that really lengthy style is often hit or miss. My challenge to you for sure would be to do more with less. Lane Boy - Neon Shadows Love the artwork! I have mixed feelings about this song. There was so much potential in it, but the lines just missed the mark time and time again. The flow was choppy, with so many different images being brought in for only one line or another with seemingly no relation to each other, and the lines were often too whimsical or stiff to be lyrical. Contractions are your friend! I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve been a huge judges’ favorite in the 10.5 chat. I’ll be honest in admitting that I’ve probably been your harshest scorer, but looking back, you’ve been pretty middle of the pack at your worst for me. While I appreciated that you tried to have a cohesive season, the darkness themes got a bit overbearing after a while. I also think you should scale back on the size of your songs, as you try to do too much with too little it seems. OreGuy - Why Do We Need to Say Goodbye? I completely agree with Jackson, this entire song ended up just boiling down to the title without the repetitions really. The lines were *fine* by themselves if they had something else to support them, but for them to carry the entire song it all just fell very very flat. I will say that structurally this is one of your better entries, and there weren’t any egregious () grammatical errors this go around.
Galah Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 2 minutes ago, Glassmouth said: Oh my, the fact that this is a song based on my life/heartbreak in every single aspect makes these reviews even more special This type of real emotion channelled correctly often makes for some of the best songs. Definitely keep that in mind!
SaintWest Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) Thanks @Temporal! Your comments are always super helpful and I appreciate you. ? 5 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: im glad you can accept a clock without writing essays to me about it asfghjk Edited July 6, 2017 by SaintWest
Glassmouth Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: Glassmouth - Anthony Awwww :( This was gut wrenching to read honestly. You kept the emotional punches coming; you didn’t hold back and I felt all of your desperation. I’ll fully disclaim that I might’ve felt totally different if I didn’t relate to this, but ****, I did, and I imagine a lot of other people will too. - “I only saw the blank space in between our lips” this was confusing, I didn’t know if this meant y’all kissed or if you didn’t. - “My mouth is filled with broken glass” LOVED this line. Okay now you saved the best for last, I have to wonder what you’ll do next. You’ve had really conceptual entries like last week, really simple entries, all with varying levels of success. This week you proved you have the potential, now you just have to harness it so that it’s not a fluke. The mixture of imagery and narration this week was masterful, I think it would serve you well to continue with that balance. oh god, thank u
mxtthewdelrey Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: Mxtthewdelrey ………. Wow. 10. Going off of Nait’s season blurb, I think you’ve truly been the most “idgaf” contestant ever, and probably the most… unique as well. Slay. This is the happiest I have been in my life
SaintWest Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 3 minutes ago, Aurora said: of COURSE @Temporal interprets "seed" in a sexual way no i literally told gastro the same thing when he showed me his song earlier on
Galah Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 3 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: im glad you can accept a clock without writing essays to me about it i mean writing reviews for PH vs. organising flights and accommodation to meet Katy Perry, was kinda a hard decision
SaintWest Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Corsola said: Your Jorcrux Huh? sounds like a harry potter kii Edited July 6, 2017 by SaintWest
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted July 6, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted July 6, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: Tsareena - John Hancock Well, this was quite the entry! I really wanted to like it more than I did, but the meter/flow was just so clunky it made the whole piece come up short. I liked how this was both a clever metaphor and salacious but both aspects felt fully realized. But yeah, the meter was hard to overlook. The outdo should’ve been the intro actually. I think for you, you’re very much like FCKNAmbrosia in that your concepts seem to outpace your prose and style. There’s often awkward word/rhyme choice, and meter is generally inconsistent. I think focusing on technical grounding will benefit you the most in the future. temporal I don't understand half of the things you mentioned here lol but you're right. I kind of ignore the meter/ rhyming since it's not something I know how to do and I try to write songs the way I write essays so i have a concept down before writing the lyrics which ends up not flowing nicely but thanks so much for the review
Glassmouth Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 1 minute ago, Aurora said: This type of real emotion channelled correctly often makes for some of the best songs. Definitely keep that in mind! I will, I guess it was important for me to truly explore a lot of concepts to see what really 'worked' for me and I think I found what works for my songs, thank you
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