UFO Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 4 hours ago, Witch Privilege said: Oh ****. I should really start writing. I have a couple ideas, so I'm just going to run with a couple of them, and whichever one pans out better, I'll send in. I did psychic last time, but I really want to do it again. It's my favorite type. I did psychic last time too! It's so fun to write tbh I think my concept was wanting to feel/understand someone else's energy through vibrations
Hug Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 1 minute ago, keshaspearsxo said: /me uses Future Sight to see who will win All you had to do was look in the mirror, because YOU win in the end <3 But seriously I find it interesting how you saw me LOL
fountain Posted May 27, 2017 Author Posted May 27, 2017 A little over 24 hours @Auburn @Lucky#17 @Cupid @ICEY @Speezy @OreGuy @ONIKACRAZY@Lane Boy @Tsareena@Pecinta Mariah @Witch Privilege @8thPrince @FCKNAmbrosia @ceremonials@UFO @SaintWest @funnellegs @EmojiClothes @Corsola @DripDrip @mxtthewdelrey
UFO Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 (edited) LET THE WATER FALL And I let the water fall... fall into me. Edited May 27, 2017 by UFO
fountain Posted May 27, 2017 Author Posted May 27, 2017 36 minutes ago, UFO said: LET THE WATER FALL And I let the water fall... fall into me. Cute
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted May 27, 2017 ATRL Moderator Posted May 27, 2017 wait we need a cover again?
UFO Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Tsareena said: wait we need a cover again? aljfsjlg No I just did it for the aesthetic and for fun Edited May 27, 2017 by UFO
fountain Posted May 27, 2017 Author Posted May 27, 2017 9 minutes ago, Tsareena said: wait we need a cover again? No that's all optional. People have always made them just for fun
Hug Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 My covers are never good. But I figured since I had one for round 1, I'd just be consistent and use one throughout.
Speezy Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 I scrapped a Fairy Anthem, Steel Sex/Impregnation bop and an Electric writers-block mess
Bandito Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 It's always fun to scrap your idea the day of the deadline and come up with a new concept! Imagery challenges will be the death of me!
DripDrip Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 3 hours ago, keshaspearsxo said: A little over 24 hours @Auburn @Lucky#17 @Cupid @ICEY @Speezy @OreGuy @ONIKACRAZY@Lane Boy @Tsareena@Pecinta Mariah @Witch Privilege @8thPrince @FCKNAmbrosia @ceremonials@UFO @SaintWest @funnellegs @EmojiClothes @Corsola @DripDrip @mxtthewdelrey Sending soooon. I actually worked on it
SaintWest Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 (edited) On 5/23/2017 at 5:11 PM, Temporal said: 13. Tsareena - Nutty Butter This was okay. You stuck with your theme and your artwork matched the song, but it wasn’t terribly clever, and there were so many instructions like *EDM drop* that it just felt corny, and the rhymes were rather predictable, which is something that you don’t want from a song like this. - The rhyme scheme in the verses - AAAA - is a hard to one to follow and it led to forced rhymes. - “Kids love it” this was a yikes lyric since the song is, ya know, about really nasty sex. - The repitition in the chorus was unnecessary. This IS a lyric writing competition, so you should use your words carefully and sparingly. - “Only matters that it ends with his nut / Slather it all over me and my butt” was funny although you rhymed nut with nut in the lyric before. 14. Pecinta Mariah - Imperfect Being My biggest issue was that this felt rushed; it was quite short, and on top of that, you repeated “an imperfect being” at the end of every stanza too, so this piece just boiled down to very little. The lyrics themselves felt elementary too, there were no images, motifs, or words even to really latch on to. It was just all vanilla. - “I'm so blessed of your presence / Feel cursed when you're away” so cliché. 15. Witch - Overthinking The biggest problem with this entry I believe was the flow. I could see you reaching for the poetic style, but it was held back by syllable counts and rhymes. For instance, the pre-chorus was 10 - 4 - 11 - 10. The chorus also needed more meat; I think it was outshined by the verses which isn’t something you want to have happen. - “You're going to inevitably catch me” I wasn’t a fan of “inevitably” in general, but it should’ve gone before “going” instead of after “going to” 16. 8thPrince - Capsize The artwork is but it looks a bit bland for a single artwork (why was it not square?). There was also collusion between you and Hug for your entries this week it seems Anyways, this was good, you had some really nice lyrics here, but I struggled to get a grip on the flow of the peace, and the quoted section felt clunky. - “Three seconds until we capsize / “Two seconds until we capsize” it was weird to have the other sections interrupted between the counts and then for you to go straight from three to two. - The 1st verse was a slay - “Stumped by your buttons, Velcro-straps, and metal zips” this line was too long, and read slam poem-y. Just take out one of the items in the list. 17. FCKNAmbrosia - Codes Ellie will c u in court! I thought this was generally good, but there were some significant issues that held this back: the flow was pretty wild - which can especially be seen in the bridge - and I felt like this kept shifting from cute lovesong with cute motifs to something much more dark and sinister when it should’ve been just one or the other. The use of stretch marks to be read as code was really interesting, but then leaving that open rhyme to “dick” was jarring. - “Of not kissing me behind your manor’s willow.” This lyric was a REACH - “As my eyes record you at every blink” I think the song should’ve focused more on this. 18. RihsusChrist(ATG) - 1997 This was way too repetitive when it could’ve been something much cooler. You could’ve turned this into a conversation between your younger self and your present self, or had sections of the song coming from different perspectives, but instead, it just felt like you were listing things about how ignorant you were as a child and how badly you want to be numb. There wasn’t a story being told to give this motion. There is potential here, but you need to think critically about the work you’re creating. As for the artwork, I liked the concept, but the actual picture was a tad cluttered for me. - “I wanna go back to 1997 / 1997, I wanna go” I get that you were going for ACTUAL song lyrics, but in a lyric writing contest, it’s best to avoid blatant pop hooks since those don’t have excellent lyrics per say. Same goes for “Dreams didn't become regret / (Sigh)...regret...regretting…” 19. Ceremonials - Pussypear Swish Swish Bush. Another flop in the basket. 20. UFO - Two Strangers Use your words carefully! A lot of the words here felt necessary and actually did more to hurt the song than help it. I really liked the concept and the artwork, but the flow within each line and stanza was really awkward, with a lot of word choices being unusual. Don’t stick in an adjective just because you need one! - “Somehow everything hurts more vividly in the dark” “vivid” describes something you see, not feel - “The night-time stared at my eyes, so swollen” Your eyes being swollen felt like a weird thing to describe. I get that it’s from crying, but within the stanza it was an odd image. - “You led me blindfolded into a wonderland” “blindfolded” was clunky and a weird addition - The flow in the verses with commas splitting lines up drove me a bit crazy. If you need commas like that in your lines, you’re probably doing something wrong! 21. SaintWest - House Lights Really interesting concept and pretty artwork (though for ****s sake it should’ve been square). I loved the flow and rhymes of this, it was the easiest entry to read at this point by far. My biggest complaint was probably that it ended so soon, you had such a fascinating concept that I wanted to see more of the thinking behind it, which I didn’t get to. - “I'll masquerade through friendships” I didn’t get how this related to the rest of the song. 22. Funnellegs - No Sanctuary From Us Girl WHERE are the rhymes? ABCD is not a rhyme scheme Also, label ya song structures. I like the artwork a lot, but the song’s lyrics and what you describe feel distant from each other. Being lost in an empty building while trying to represent a lost friendship is a bit of a stretch. For next week, I would recommend toning down the ARTPOP a biT, as there is a lot of potential here. - “feels like I’m so lost I’ll never be found.” kinda cliché 23. EmojiClothes - 770 I like the artwork Like Aurora/Swish Swish/Sam/Lynx/Sam93t672butte****662, I actually liked the “Nose/Clothes” rhyme. The concept was cool and very songlike, though a bit short. The second verse was the weakest section of the song, with the first verse being the best. - “Let's keep it casual / Cause I don't wanna touch a nerve” do more of this stuff, two line punches are the best. 24. Corsola - Petals This was well written, with the cover being decent but I think the concept was potentially on the melodramatic side. I was so confused by how you fit into the story though. At one point you’re a cloud “leaving trails of rain” but at another point it steers you to the suns rays? I’m overall confused as to exactly what was happening with the song, though I do get the gist of it I suppose. I really liked the flow of the piece as well as the technical elements of it. 25. DripDrip - Bloom I really liked the artwork, but I think it only connects to half of the song. The first verse was (bluntly) messy, with the repetition of “simple” so many times when it doesn’t fit with the bloom or flower motif at all. I think you tried to do too much with too little. - “She's been torn but now she's born” why was this line all by itself? “Now she’s born” doesn’t make sense either. - “Bloom/Night/Sun/Bloom” was clunky. 26. Mxtthewdelrey - WET I’ll just refer you to Aurora’s review since he can say what I’m thinking in a much nicer tone. I definitely got PC music vibes from this, but that genre does not translate lyrically at all. You’re going to do what you want regardless of what I tell you, so have at it I suppose. - wtf is verse four 27. Auburn - Wooden Eyes This was a really interesting angle to take. I would’ve liked there to have been more dimensions to this, as opposed to a story about household chores basically. As a song I don’t see it being too practical, but I really liked the darkness of it combined with the artwork regardless. - “for love that is never flowing” “flowing” was part of a forced rhyme - “finally the truth will be known” what is the truth? You don’t elaborate on it. 28. Lucky#17 - Intimate Aurora’s review is right on point. I think the addition of the echoes and repeated words were so unnecessary here, and the rhyme scheme was really inconsistent and hard to grasp. For a lyric writing competition, a really standard song about the club probably isn’t the best way to go either. The artwork was cool. - The product naming felt really trite and unnecessary. I just saw this. @Temporal Thanks sis. ♡ The idea was that his flaw was pretending to be someone he wasn't, and maintaining that image through every relationship. The masquerade line could've been executed better; I was trying to give the idea that the facade was deceiving like a masquerade mask/ball. Edited May 27, 2017 by SaintWest
Temporal Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 54 minutes ago, SaintWest said: I just saw this. @Temporal Thanks sis. ♡ The idea was that his flaw was pretending to be someone he wasn't, and maintaining that image through every relationship. The masquerade line could've been executed better; I was trying to give the idea that the facade was deceiving like a masquerade mask/ball. I'm too drunk to read this, hi
ceremonials Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 7 minutes ago, Temporal said: I'm too drunk to read this, hi Mess
UFO Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 4 hours ago, Speezy said: I scrapped a Fairy Anthem, Steel Sex/Impregnation bop and an Electric writers-block mess For some reason this gives me major anxiety
Aurora Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 7 hours ago, Hug said: I meant to tell you how much this moved me, but I've spent the last 22 hours crying because this was beautiful. 7 hours ago, UFO said: wait bitch I just saw this Wooden Branches (Where We Begin) her impact screaming @ riverbed. beautiful song tho my creative peak tbh
SaintWest Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 5 hours ago, Corsola said: Snippet! I'm a warrior Battling my bullies But they can't break through my armor It's thick as steel Poor Demi. Poor me. Snatching away the title of Sia wannabe from me.
Speezy Posted May 27, 2017 Posted May 27, 2017 11 hours ago, Gastrodonatella said: what the **** 6 hours ago, UFO said: For some reason this gives me major anxiety absnsks I mean it was the first thing that game to mind when I thought of steel
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